Harry Potter may have started as a childhood favorite, but let’s be honest—fans grew up, and so did their sense of humor. Between wands, broomsticks, and magical spells, there’s plenty of room for some ahem creative interpretations. That’s where Dirty Harry Potter Jokes come in, adding a little mischief to the magic.
Hogwarts may have strict rules, but that never stopped a little spellcasting fun. Whether it’s double meanings in spells or cheeky takes on magical creatures, these jokes prove that even the wizarding world isn’t safe from a little adult humor. Mischief definitely managed!
Adult Harry Potter Jokes
What kind of shoes does Voldemort force his prostitutes to wear?
Whore Crocs.
Why didn’t Harry Potter want to date Hermione?
Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch.
Boyfriend: “When you come over this weekend, bring Harry Potter and a bathing suit.”
Girlfriend: “I don’t think I’ve read that one.”
What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog’s penis have in common?
Hogwarts.
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
“Are you f*cking serious?!” asks Ron.
“Yeah…that too,” says Harry.
Yo mama such a ho, she gives more rides than the Hogwarts Express.
If you want to flirt with a Harry Potter fan…
just Slytherin to their DMs.
Why don’t female quidditch players wear underwear?
Extra grip.
Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade.
Since school had started back up in September, Hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.
There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione’s Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.
Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry and Hermione wandered down Hogsmeade together, walking past Scrivenshaft’s and Zonko’s. Effortlessly ignoring Madame Puddifoot before entering the bookstore.
Harry was buying the latest defense book as Hermione finished her browsing and came up to the counter.
Harry laid out a few galleons for the book and began counting out knuts for the remainder. As Harry counted out the equal of 40 sickles in the small bronze currency, Hermione came up behind him and asked what he was doing. “I’m trying to get rid of all this change, Hermione”, he said.
“But why, Harry? You’re taking too long to finish” Hermione asked.
Harry just peers at her over his glasses, gave her a firm look, and said, “Come on Hermione, you should know this. It’s no-knut November”.
Recommended: Harry Potter Jokes
What’s Harry Potter’s favorite boy band to masturbate to?
Wand Erection.
What do Harry Potter and Batman have in common?
Their parents are dead.
Why does Dumbledore give the best BJs at Hogwarts?
Because he’s the headmaster.
What spell did Harry Potter use when he worked at Planned Parenthood?
“Fetus Deletus!”
What’s the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?
Harry gets to take the train back.
Hogwarts is sexist, they never allowed female visitors to be shown around campus….
They only had dementors.
He pulled Harry’s wand from his pocket and began to trace it through the air, writing three shimmering words:
tom marvolo riddle
Then he waved the wand once, and the letters of his name rearranged themselves:
Mr. Tom, a Dildo Lover
“Wait, shit, no,” said Riddle.
How does Lord Voldemort like his pu$$y?
(whisper) HHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY.
Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts
They never saw him coming.
Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.
But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him, “Shirley, you can’t be Sirius.”
What do you call sending an owl to Harry Potter’s godfather?
Blackmail.
Why did Harry Potter buy so many golden snitches?
Because they were only a quideach.
Harry says to Hermione: “Hey Hermione, guess how I got my dick to be 12 inches?”
Hermione sarcastically responds: “I don’t know Harry… Magic?”
Harry: “I folded it in half.”
What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?
Expellianus.
The Harry Potter stories are totally unrealistic.
None of the characters were sexually abused despite it being set in a British boarding school.
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, “Son, where were you today during school hours?”
“At school.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I went to the movies!”
The father asks, “Which one?”
“Harry Potter.” The robot slaps the son again. “Okay, I was watching porn!”
The father replies, “What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father.
The mom chimes in, “Haha! After all, he is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.
What do you call a Harry Potter fan who is also a sex worker?
A whorecrux.
What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?
Expellianus.
How do they call a tentacle porn in a Harry Potter universe?
Squidditch.
What’s the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?
Harry made it out of the chamber.
What does Harry Potter and Elton John have in common?
Both of them have spent a portion of their lives in a closet.
Snape glares at Harry as he arrives late to class.
“Late again, our we Mr. Potter?” he snarls, “One hundred points from Gryffindor.”
Harry balks, “One hundred points?! Are you f*cking serious?!”
Snape grows even paler than usual as he looks down and says, “Albus told you, didn’t he?”
Why would Harry Potter be a great hoodrat?
Cause the pasty mutherfucker is great at catchin’ snitches.
What did Hermione do when she was horny?
Cauldron.
Why did Harry Potter have his mother’s eyes?
She didn’t need them anymore.
What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?
“RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!”
Do you have a dirty Harry Potter Joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
