Horse talk gets a lot more interesting when adults gather, because everyone suddenly remembers that these towering animals have a way of turning any stable into a stage for accidental comedy. One minute you’re watching a proud creature with three legs flick its tail like royalty, and the next you’re wondering how it manages to create chaos without even trying.
That same wild energy carries over when people swap Dirty Horse Jokes, turning ordinary barn stories into mischievous tales that make everyone laugh while pretending to be shocked. The fun comes from how quickly a harmless moment becomes the start of something scandalous, proving that humor about horses has its own special spark.
Adult Horse Jokes
What’s brown, heavy, and hurts when it hits you in the face?
A horse with no legs.
“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.
Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?
A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rect*m.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.
If your uncle Jack helped you off a horse….
In return, would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?!
What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaaaaaaaayyyyy.
What is a horse’s favourite erotic novel?
50 Shades of Hay.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender turns the horse and asks, “Why the long face?”
The horse bursts into tears. “It all started with the miscarriage.”
What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse’s a$$?
A mechanic.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The shooting range.
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they’ll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks for a minute, then says, “I wish to say goodbye to my horse, then to set him free.” So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear, then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request, and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. “Is this your last request?” the chief asks. “Uh, no,” says the cowboy. “My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more.” “Ok…” says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horse’s ear and hisses, “You idiot! I said ‘Posse! Posse!”
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What do you call a winged horse that helps people shove stuff up their butt?
A Peg-assist.
A horse walks into a bar.
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender… The horse replies, “I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from S*x in the City.”
What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?
Whoreshoes.
What animal has a c*nt halfway up its back?
A police horse.
A guy walks into a bar. He sees a jar full of twenty-dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it’s for.
“I have a horse in the stable behind the bar. You put in twenty bucks and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, the whole jar is yours but if you fail, then you’re out twenty bucks.”
So the guy puts in twenty, goes to the stable, and a minute later, the horse is laughing hysterically. Guy walks back to the bar and, without saying a word to the bartender, who has a stupefied look on his face, takes the jar of twenties and leaves.
A year later, the same guy comes back to the bar and sees another jar full of twenties. He asks the bartender what it’s for this time.
“Well, ever since you came in here last year, my damn horse hasn’t stopped laughing. You put in twenty bucks, and if you can make him stop laughing, the jar is yours.”
The guy puts in another twenty and goes to the stable. A minute later, dead silence. Not a sound from the horse. Guy walks back and picks up the jar. As he’s about to leave, the bartender says, “Hey, wait a minute. You gotta tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when everyone else couldn’t do either.”
The guy says, “The first time I told your horse that my d*ck is bigger than his. The second time I proved it.”
What’s the hardest thing about being a weed farmer?
Getting off your high horse.
If I owned a racehorse, I would name it My Face.
Just to hear the crowd chant “COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!”
“…and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!”
What did the horse say to the nude child?
Neigh kid.
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, “What was that for?”
She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it.” He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.” She shrugs and walks away. Three days later, he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, “What was that for?”
She answers, “Your horse called.”
Where do horses stay during their honeymoon?
A hotels bridle suite.
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud.
What is it called when you talk about something s*xually for way longer than necessary?
Beating off a dead horse.
Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his dad.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Little Johnny asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father says, “I have to make sure that he’s healthy and in good shape before I buy him.”
And Little Johnny says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom.”
What did the h*rny horse say to the donkey?
“Yo! Can I get some a$$?”
My love making life is like The Godfather.
I often wake up with a horse in my bed.
Why do you never want to follow an equine to the gallows pole?
Because you’ll be hung like a horse.
One day, a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is stuck. She throws a rope around the horse’s neck and slams on the accelerator, saving the horse from sinking in the puddle.
A few days go by, and they are playing in the field again. This time, the hen gets stuck.
Hen says, “Help, go get the car like I did for you and help me out!”
The horse, realizing there isn’t much time since the hen is much smaller than he, stretches out over the length of the puddle.
Horse says, “Reach up and grab hold of my ‘thing’.”
The hen obliges, and the horse starts to stand straight up to pull his friend out of the puddle.
The moral of this story is: If you’re hung like a horse, then you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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Say what you will about people who f*ck horses,
But at least they’re in a stable relationship.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
The horse replies, “I have cancer.”
What do hippy horses eat?
Hay man.
A mother and her daughter are driving through the country when they pass a stallion standing on the side of the road very obviously demonstrating that he is truly a stud. The daughter sees this and asks, “Mom? What’s that hanging down from that horse?”
Mom shrugs and replies, “It’s nothing, dear.”
A week later, the daughter is riding with her father when they past the same stallion in the same condition. The daughter asks, “Dad? What’s that hanging down from that horse?”
“Why, that would be the horse’s p*nis,” says Dad.
“Hm, when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing.”
Dad shrugs, smiles, and replies, “I know, dear. That’s because your Mom is spoiled.”
Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?
The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.
Equestrian Events are known for Wild Rough-Housing.
In other words, there’s a lot of horsing around in Equestrian events.
What do you get when you mix a goat with a horse?
Banned from the petting zoo.
What animal has 2 massive d*cks?
A police horse.
Recommended: Dirty Chicken Jokes
A little person arrives at a horse ranch. “Excuse me,” said the little person trying to get the attention of one of the horse caretakers. “I’m intewested in buying a howse.”
The horse caretaker, a little busy cleaning off the hooves of one of the horses, says, “I’m a little busy at the moment, do you think we could arrange an appointment?”
The little person shakes his head and says, “No, I afwaid this is vewy impowtant and I need to buy a howse uwgently. Is this howse fow sale?”
The horse caretaker, a little annoyed at the insistence of his attention, begrudgingly sighs and replies, “Yes, this horse is for sale. Can I answer any of your questions?”
The little person thinks for a moment and says, “I need you to lift me up. Can I see hew teeth”? The horse caretaker lifts up the little person so that he can get a good look in the horse’s mouth. “Anything else?”
“Yes, can I see the howth’s mane?” The horse caretaker, again a little annoyed at the request, once again lifts him up so he can touch the back of the horse.
The little person nods pleased. The caretaker slightly irritated asks, “Would you like to see anything else?”
The little person, not picking up on the irritation then asks, “Yes, can I see hew twat?” The caretaker, now thoroughly annoyed at the insistence of this little person preventing him from finishing his daily tasks, picks up the little person and sticks his head into the rear end of the horse. After a few seconds, he takes out the little person and puts him back on the ground.
The little person says, “Allow me to rephwase. Can I see hew wun awound?”
Winged horses are illegal in most US states.
But in Alabama, it’s perfectly fine to peg-a-sis.
What did one unicorn say to another?
“Your mother is a horse!”
Roses are red,
I f*cked a horse.
My wife says I cheated,
And she wants a divorce.
What do you call a race horse that’s been having an@l s*x for month?
Red Bum.
What’s the difference between men and horses?
Horses give you a better ride.
A farmer’s young son ran into the house and said: “Mommy! Mommy! The bull is f*cking one of the cows!”
The son’s Mother replied, “You shouldn’t use language like that. You must be polite. You have to say the bull is ‘surprising the cow’”.
Twenty minutes later, the boy ran in again. Mommy! Mommy! The bull is surprising all of the cows!”
“He can’t be surprising all the cows,” replies his mom.
The son replies, “But he is! The bull is f*cking the horse!”
Did you know the Vatican has a ranch?
It’s like a regular ranch, except instead of riding horses, they ride little boys.
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Why do mounted police think their horses are all female?
They keep hearing people yelling, “Hey, look at the c*nt on that horse”.
What do you call a telegraph class for dead Scandinavian ponies?
A Morse course for Norse horse corpses.
What do you call a skeleton riding on a horse carrying buckets?
Death on a pail horse.
Do you have a Dirty Horse joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
If Jennifer Lawrence was Pakistani, her name would be Jennifer Lahorance.