Lawyers are the masters of twisting words and bending the truth just enough to keep things legal. They charge by the hour, yet somehow every conversation feels like they’re billing you by the second. Whether they’re defending the innocent or making the guilty look like angels, their ability to dance around the truth makes them perfect targets for dirty lawyer jokes. After all, who else can argue their way out of a speeding ticket while holding the radar gun.
And that’s where dirty lawyer jokes come in, adding a spicy twist to the already shady reputation of attorneys. These jokes take courtroom antics to a whole new level, blending sharp wit with a hint of naughtiness. Whether you’ve been on the receiving end of a hefty legal bill or just enjoy some lawyer-bashing humor, these jokes will have you questioning whether attorneys pass the bar or just hop over it.
Adult Lawyer Jokes
A divorcing couple agreed with the lawyer that who got most of the estate would keep the kids.
Now the lawyer has to fill the adoption papers.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
Why does the law society prohibit s*x between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What happens when lawyers take Viagra?
They grow taller.
Did you hear about the lawyer with erectile dysfunction who got fired?
He’s looking for a firm.
Which profession really lets people know that you’re great at s*x?
A Lawyer, they screw everyone AND they get lots of people off.
Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:
“You son-of-a-b*tch, you wrecked my Jag! I’m a lawyer, I’m going to sue you for everything you have!”
Other man responds, “You Lawyers only care about money, you don’t even realize you just lost an arm.”
The Lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells “Where’s my f*cking Rolex!”
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates.
A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.
The man loudly proclaims, “All lawyers are assholes!”
A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, “Take that back.”
“Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
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Why are pr*stitutes more moral than lawyers?
Because they won’t f*ck you when you are dead.
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
According to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
How can you tell if a lawyer is Emo?
They slash their Writs.
Two lawyers were walking down the street when the most beautiful redhead either of them have ever saw walks past them.
One says to the other, “Wow, I’d sure like to f*ck her!”
“Oh yeah?” says the other, “Outta what?”
Do you know why lawyers are always popular at Gay bars?
Because they’re experts at getting men off.
A lawyer was walking down the street.
When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them. “No way!” She exclaimed, “What about for $1000?” He persisted, “No, certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?” “You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked. The woman was astounded. “You’ll pay me $10,000 if I let you bite my breasts?” “That’s correct.” “Okay, let’s go over to that alley.”
Once in the alley she took off her blouse and the lawyer felt them, kissed them, and sucked them. She was beginning to get impatient. “Are you gonna bite them or what?” she snapped. “No,” he said, “too expensive.”
What’s the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?
A bad lawyer will f*ck you, but a good lawyer will get you off.
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
They keep the foreskin from rolling up over their face.
There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute, he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says, “I’m sorry father, I don’t know what came over me!”
The priest replies, “Don’t worry, I got him with the door!”
Why does the bar association’s code of ethics prevent s*x between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
Lipstick.
A wealthy art dealer is having a drink by his pool when his lawyer calls him…
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, the lawyer tells him.
“Well, I could use some good news, so let’s start with that”, says the dealer.
“Your wife has spent ten thousand dollars to purchase two pictures. She thinks she can get anywhere from ten to twenty million for the pair”, says the lawyer.
“That’s wonderful”! That kind of profit margin is unheard of!”, exclaims the dealer. “What could the bad news possibly be?”.
The lawyer takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. “The bad news is they’re pictures of you with your mistress!”.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a p*rnstar?
Nothing, they both spend their careers f*cking people.
What do lawyers and condoms have in common?
They both give you a false sense of security while you’re being screwed.
A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.
People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.
When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine car and asked the conductor what had happened. The conductor replied “We hit a lawyer.” The man couldn’t believe it. “You mean hitting a person cause that?!” The conductor looked at him and explained “Well he was in the ditch, but we got him anyways.”
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road?
There’s skid marks in front of the skunk.
Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer.
The lawyer tells him, “Mickey I’m sorry, but you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazy!”
Mickey says, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy!
There are four kinds of s*x.
HOUSE S*X – When you are newly married and have s*x all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM S*X – After you have been married for a while, you only have s*x in the bedroom.
HALL S*X – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “F*CK YOU”
COURTROOM S*X – When your wife and her lawyer f*ck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
Did you hear about the all lawyer orgy?
Prosecutors will be violated.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”
Not one’s hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Why couldn’t the alcoholic become a lawyer?
He couldn’t pass the bar.
Driving home from a dinner out one night.
A wife says to her husband, “Harry I want a divorce, I’ve been f*cking your brother and he’s got a much bigger c*ck than you.”
The husband doesn’t respond. Just speeds up a little.
“I’ve spoken to a lawyer, and he says that I’ll get everything. Custody of the kids, the house and all the savings.”
Again, he puts his foot on the accelerator. And swerves just a little bit.
“WELL. HAVEN’T YOU GOT ANYTHING TO SAY? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
He steers toward a brick wall and says, “I’ve got everything I need… Our only airbag!”
Name an occupation where you can get two people off at the same time.
A lawyer. Get your mind out of the gutter.
A shady lawyer get sentenced to a prison term after his actions are revealed. When he gets put on his cell, he sees that his cellmate is a massive 300 lb southerner. He says hello.
“You gonna be the husband, or you gonna be the wife?” His cellmate asks.
“Umm, no thank you,” responds the lawyer.
“You gonna be the husband or you gonna be the wife?” Is asked again.
“Listen, I don’t wanna be either, I just want to do my time man.” says the lawyer.
Now his cellmate starts to look really angry. “I’m gonna ask you one more time motha f*cka, you gonna be the husband or you gonna be the wife!?”
“Sh*t sh*t sh*t” the lawyer thinks in a panic, “husband or wife, give it or take it, f*ck!”
“I’ll be the husband!” he yells.
“Good, now that we have that out of the way, get over here and suck your wife’s d*ck.”
What’s a lawyer’s favorite love-making position?
Prone-bono.
Why did they bury the lawyer 12 feet deep?
Because deep down, they really are good people.
A woman on a date tells her date that she has a weird fetish.
Woman: “For some reason, I like going around my house and collecting anything that looks like the number one, putting everything into a pile, and then having s*x on top of it!” Date: “Oh, you must be a lawyer!” Woman: “How did you know?” Date: “Because you like f*cking over everyone!”
The uncircumcised lawyer did some pro-bono work.
He didn’t get a cut.
What does a 14 year old girl and a 60 year old lawyer have in common?
Jeffrey Epstein.
“I don’t understand.” The man said.
“They played ‘Do the Hustle’. I did the Hustle…
They played ‘Paint It Black’. I did that too…
They played ‘Come On Eileen’. Now I’m here with you.”
“I see,” said the lawyer.
Why aren’t there many Irish lawyers?
Most of them have trouble passing the bar.
What do you call the work done by lawyers to help male clients with Erectile Dysfunction without payment?
Pro Boner.
Do you have a dirty Lawyer joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
