Parrots are the drama kings and queens of the animal world, always ready to steal attention with their smart mouths and louder opinions. They can copy your voice, gossip without guilt, and act like they own the room. Basically, the kind of roommate who never stops talking and always knows your secrets. Their bright feathers might scream “cute,” but their personalities say “I run this house.”
Dirty Parrot Jokes take that bold personality and turn it up a notch with humor that’s a little cheeky and a lot of fun. These jokes show what happens when parrots grow up and start hanging around the adult table, where the laughs get spicier and the feathers get ruffled. It’s playful mischief mixed with just enough sass to make you blush and burst out laughing at the same time.
Adult Parrot Jokes
Little Johnny’s obese parrot died recently.
It’s been really sad, but it’s a huge weight off his shoulders.
What did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?
He got a woodpecker.
How many people can make love to a parrot?
Toucan.
A woman goes to buy a parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks, “Why is the last one so cheap?”
“Because he used to live in a brothel,” says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home, the parrot says, “F*ck me, a new brothel!” The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home, the parrot says, “F*ck me, 2 new prozzies!” The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home, the parrot says, “F*ck me, Pete, haven’t seen you for weeks!”
Did you hear about the haunted house full of parrots?
It was macaw-bre.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?” The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”
“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!” “I got every word,” says the parrot. “Ask me anything, I’ll answer whatever you want.”
“Okay,” the guy says. “How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?” “Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.” “Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English, can’t you?” “Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.” “Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!” The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted. One day, the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, “Pssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing.
“I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.” “What are you talking about?” asks the guy. “When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.” “WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?” “Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot. “NO!” he exclaims. “And she let him?” “Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…” Then the frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”
“Damned if I know… I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”
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A black guy with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar.
The Bartender says, “Hey, that is really something. Where’d you get it?” “Africa,” says the parrot.
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later, when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. “How come you are sweating?” he asks.
The parrot replies, “Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”
Why can’t you take Tylenol to the jungle?
Because parrots eat em all (paracetamol).
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: “I have tried everything, I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked.”
The American agrees: “I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won’t speak!”.
The Mexican confirms: “I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!”
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: “You lying motherf*cker!”
What did the r@cist parrot say when he was adopted by a Somali pirate?
“Polly wants a cracker.”
My slutty Australian sister raises parrots.
… She’s seen a cockatoo.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” The woman said, embarrassed.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.” The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
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Did you know that parrots die after making love?
Well, the one I… did.
What’s the difference between a parrot named Polly and a pr*stitute from Thailand?
One is lacking a cracker, the other one is jacking a cracker.
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off, and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.
“Hey, bitch,” says the parrot, “bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!”
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again, “Goddammit, you lazy whore, where’s my whiskey? Hurry it up!”
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot’s drink.
Impressed with the parrot’s technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
“Hey, slut,” says the man, “get me a dry martini. And don’t drag your sorry a$$, I want it right now!”
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment, she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, “Ya know, for someone who can’t fly, you got a lotta balls.”
What do you call a parrot in Antarctica?
A brrrrrd.
What do you call a drunk parrot that makes fun of everyone?
Tequila mockingbird.
A plumber is called to a house with nobody home.
When he arrived, there was a note that read “Sorry, we can’t be home, but here’s a key to let yourself in. Beware of Spike the dog, and whatever you do, DO NOT talk to the parrot.”
The guy walks into the house and sees a big doberman, but it seems calm, so he goes about his business.
While he’s working, the parrot shouts a torrent of abuse at him, while the dog seems really chilled out. The parrot keeps saying things like “you won’t find any food down there, chubs,” and “try not to have a heart attack, you fat f*ck”.
Eventually, he finishes the job, and the parrot says, “Thank f*ck you put that a$$ crack away,” and the plumber snaps. He says to the parrot, “You’re a f*cking ar$eh0le,” and the parrot replies, “Spike, attack!”
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What do you call a partially paralyzed parrot?
A parrotpalegic.
Why did the parrot go to prison?
He was a repeat offender.
A man walked into a pet store looking to adopt an animal. He came upon a parrot that caught his interest. The bird’s nametag read “Chet”.
The shop owner showed him a cool trick the bird was able to do.
“If you take a lighter to his left foot, he will sing a Christmas carol,” he said, handing him a lighter.
So the man lit a flame under his left foot and Chet sang “Jingle Bells”.
The shop owner told him, “Okay, try the right foot now. He will sing a different Christmas carol.”
The man lit a flame under the parrot’s right foot, and he sang “The Little Drummer Boy.”
“What happens when you light a flame between his two feet?” asked the man.
“I’m not actually sure,” said the shop owner. “Try it.”
The man lit a flame between his two feet, and the parrot burst out singing, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire!”
What did the math teacher say when the parrot died?
Polygon.
The mother-in-law bought a talking parrot but returned it a week later.
“This parrot hasn’t spoken a single word.” She complained.
“I haven’t had a damn chance to!” Replied the parrot.
There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up.
On a light post nearby, a parrot is hanging around. As he watches, he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients.”
This is bad for business, so one of the hookers gets mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning, a nun is walking and sees the parrot. She picks him up and takes him back to the cathedral to fix him up. A couple of days later, the parrot had fully healed. He flies out of a window and up onto the top of the church.
He looks out at all of the nuns gathered in the yard, and he excitedly says, “New hookers!” He looks at the priest and bishops and says, “Same old clients.”
Where do parrots go when they die?
The parrotise.
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What happens when you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk your ear off!
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally, the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase. The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.” That didn’t work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.” Still no success. So, he said, “Look. Let’s both get on top.”
At that point, the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, “Zoo or no zoo. I just gotta see this.”
Do you have a Dirty Parrot joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
