Ah, the hooker – not the profession you might first think of when you hear “noble careers,” unless you’re thinking of rugby (because yes, there’s a position called a ‘hooker’ in rugby – and no, they don’t wear stilettos). But for our purposes, let’s talk about the more… titillating definition. Hookers, ladies of the night, streetwalkers, women of negotiable affection – they’ve got more names than a con artist on the run. Historically, they’ve played a myriad of roles, from muses for artists to secret spies during wartime. And while their job might not be as mundane as accounting, it’s certainly one of the oldest professions around.
But why, you ask, do these gals (and sometimes guys) and their customers become the butt of so many jokes? Like a moth to a flame, comedians can’t resist! It’s partly because, in society, there’s this taboo around anything hush-hush and naughty. And what’s naughtier than a midnight rendezvous for a little bit of cash? Humor often emerges from the unexpected, the uncomfortable, or the unconventional. By cracking hooker jokes, people are both acknowledging the discomfort of the topic while also distancing themselves from it, like saying, “Hey, I know about this, but I’m definitely not involved… just knowledgeable for… joke purposes!” Also, let’s admit, there’s just something intrinsically funny about professions that involve fishnet stockings.
Dirty Hooker Jokes
Have you heard that hookers don’t fart?
They do little prosti-toots.
What’s the difference between a politician and a hooker?
A hooker will stop f*cking you once you run out of money.
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
Yo mama such a sl*t, she got her tubes tied and still got pregnant.
A man takes a hooker out to dinner. He gives her his peas.
She gives him herpes.
What’s the difference between an Immortal Goddess and a Hooker?
The letter ‘t’.
What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?
Qualify of life.
Why do Jews watch p*rn backwards?
Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.
What’s the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits. The other f*cks between sh*ts.
How does a castle hooker describe her job?
“I work most knights.”
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver’s seat, and stared out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”
What do you call a hooker that likes to take it in the rear?
A back ho.
Recommended: Hoe Jokes
What’s the difference between an actress and a hooker?
“That’s not a very good defense Mr Weinstein.”
What do you call a Russian hooker?
Onya Bakyabicz.
Kid: Dad, what is the difference between realistically and hypothetically speaking?
Father: Well son, go and ask your mom and sister if they would have sex with a stranger for 1 million dollars
Kid: But why dad, how is this going to answer my question?
Father: Just do it!
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
What do a bungee jumper and hooker have in common?
They are fast, cheap and if the rubber snaps your f*cked.
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, “I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free.”
“I’m coming with you,” the man replies. “I want to see you live on $800 a year.”
Two hookers were standing on the corner and one asks the other “Do you smoke after sex?”
The other replied, “I don’t know, I never looked.”
After a few minutes, the son returns to his dad.
Kid: Hey dad, both said they would accept the 1 million dollars offer for sex
Father: Therefore son, hypothetically speaking we could have 2 million dollars, but realistically speaking we only have two hookers in the house.
What do you call an Italian hooker?
A Pasta-tute.
Recommended: Prostitute Jokes
What did the Leper say to the Hooker?
Keep the tip.
When is the best time to go pick up a hooker?
Right before sex o’c*ck.
A 70-year-old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, and they go up to her room, strip down, and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she’ll give him one for free.
He says “Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20-minute nap, and while I’m asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.” She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.
The girl is amazed at the old man’s stamina and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he’ll need a 20-minute nap and she’ll have to hold his dick while he’s asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man “I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you’re sleeping?”
The old man replies “Oh, that’s just so you don’t steal my wallet.”
What do you call a hooker laying down?
Whorizontal.
What do you get when you cross a hooker and a genius?
A f*cking know it all.
A dude picks up a girl hitchhiking down the road.
“Are you a prostitute?” he asks.
“No,” she replies. “I’m a magician”….she rubs him on the leg and he turns into a motel.
What do you call a hooker wearing knee pads?
Prepared.
Why do hookers like Christmas morning?
Because that’s when Santa finally comes.
What’s the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?
Hooker says, “Are you done yet?”
Your girlfriend says, “You’re done already?”
And your wife says, “Beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige.”
What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A lazy Susan.
How do you compliment a hooker?
“Thank you for your cervix.”
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
What do a hooker and a coal miner have in common?
They both work the shafts for pay.
What does a hooker say after being paid?
“Business doing pleasure with you.”
Hooker: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed.
Man: I’ll pay $50.
Hooker: You’re a man of class.
Man: Class my ass, I want it five times on grass.
What do you call a cake baked by a hooker?
Hoemade.
What do you call the money a hooker makes?
Incum.
A married guy is complaining to his friend, “I’ve been having sex with my wife lately, but she’s been making me pay for it like a hooker!”
“How much is she charging you?”
“$50 each time!”
“Damn, that’s a great deal! She’s been charging me $200!!”
What did the hooker buy from the furniture shop?
One night stand.
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full.
A hooker is working outside a motel and sees an old man walking by at least in his late 70’s.
She needs the business and yells out, “Hey old timer, would you like to have some fun with me?”
The old man says, “Sounds like a good time but I won’t be able to…”
She says, “C’mon, man…. give it a try…”
The old man nods and goes into the hotel room.
To her surprise, he performs exceedingly well and goes nonstop for a solid half hour.
When he’s finished the hooker is completely exhausted and confused asking, “But you said you couldn’t…”
The old man says, “…couldn’t pay you.”
Why did the hooker start a reward points program?
More bang for your buck.
What do you call a hooker that gives out sandwiches?
A substitute.
A virgin goes to a brothel.
He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He’s never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.
The man does as he’s told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues.
Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience.
Finally, he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up.
“Miss, are you sick?”
“No, but the last guy was.”
Recommended: Virgin Jokes
What do you call a male hooker?
A prostatute.
What do you call a hooker who runs a greenhouse?
A wh*re-ticulturalist.
There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up.
On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”
This is bad for business so one of the hookers gets mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. She picks him up and takes him back to the cathedral to fix him up. A couple of days later the parrot has fully healed. He flies out of a window and up onto the top of the church. He looks out at all of the nuns gathered in the yard and he excitedly says, “New hookers!” He looks at the priest and bishops and says, “Same old clients.”
Why was the hooker angry?
Because she was WH*REmonal.
What does a grill and a hooker have in common?
Their rack needs a good wiping down after use.
A man got a call from his health insurance company.
“Sir, I’m calling to tell you that your claim has been rejected.”
“But why?” Asked the man.
“I’ll be blunt. We do not reimburse people for sleeping with prostitutes.”
“But it was ordered by my doctor, I swear!”
“Sir, I have worked here many years and I have never seen a primary care physician prescribe sex with a hooker.”
“But he did. He told me that I needed Wh*re Moan therapy…”
Did you hear the one about the Amish hooker?
She could do ten Mennanite.
What do you call the child of a mathematician and a hooker?
A sum of a bitch.
A man goes on a business trip to Japan.
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting, “Hasimota! Hasimota!”
Since the man obviously didn’t know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of excitement noise. The following day he meets with a few Japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole-in-one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts, “Hasimota!”
The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion and asks, “What do you mean ‘Wrong hole!’?”
What do you call a Mexican hooker?
A street taco.
Why was the lawyer so effective as a hooker?
She mastered the art of getting her clients off on technicalities.
A government official spent all night with a hooker.
As he was leaving, the Senator put $2000 on her bedside table.
She said, “Thanks, but I only charge $200.”
“$200 for the whole night? How can you make a living on that?”
“Oh, don’t worry,” she purred. “I do a little blackmail, too.”
What do you call a hooker on a submarine?
A substitute.
What does a hooker take for that minty clean bl*w job fresh breath?
A predicament.
A mother and her young daughter were visiting NYC.
The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked, “Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”
The mother replies, “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work.”
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, “Ah, c’mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud! They’re hookers!”
A brief silence follows, and the daughter asks, “Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?”
The mother replies, “Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?”
What do hookers always say?
Love doesn’t make cents.
A guy f*cks a $5 hooker and gets crabs. The next day he goes back to complain, demanding a refund.
The hooker laughs and says, “What did you expect for $5 … lobster?!
A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.
“Do I know you?” he asks.
She says, “Aren’t you the dad of one of my kids?”
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, “Were you the hooker I f*cked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my ass?”
She stares at him and says, “No, I’m your daughter’s teacher!”
A guy drives by a retirement home and sees some old ladies naked out front.
He walks in and asks why there are naked ladies out front and the worker says “They’re retired hookers and they’re having a yard sale.”
What’s the difference between a clever midget and a traveling hooker?
One’s a cunning runt.
Three hookers are at a bar.
They take shots until one talks about how she can take the biggest c*ck. She says, “I can by far take the largest c*ck, I can fit a whole remote in my vag.”
The second hooker says, “That’s nothing I can fit a whole wine bottle in my vag and not even feel it.”
The third hooker sits there silently as she slides down the bar stool.
Did you hear about the procrastinating hooker at Frankenstein’s bachelor party?
She had a monster to do list.
Did you hear the song about the hooker?
Absolute banger.
An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm.
So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks.
The oldest son comes back an hour later and says, “I got 10 dollars for my duck dad” to which the father replies, “Not bad.”
The second oldest son comes back 5 hours later and says, “Well dad, I got 5 dollars, a basket of apples, and a basket of oranges.” To which the dad replies, “Very good son!”
The youngest son is having trouble selling his duck so he decides to just give it away to the first person he sees. He’s walking past a brothel and sees a nice-looking hooker and asks her, “You want a free duck?” She is confused but says yes and then asks him if he wants a free session for it, and he accepts. After they get done she says that he was so good she wants to go again, and he says sure but only if he can have his duck back. She agrees they go again, and he walks out with his duck. On his way home a car coming down the road startles the duck, it flies into the road and gets hit. The man driving the car hops out and starts freaking out and says “I’m so sorry! Here’s 20 bucks for your duck!” the boy takes the money and heads home leaving the duck on the side of the road. When he gets home the father says, “Wow you’ve been gone a long time! What did you get for your duck?”
The son says, “A f*ck for a duck, a duck for a f*ck, and 20 bucks for a f*cked up duck.”
What do you pay to get into hooker school?
Prostituition.
What is a Japanese hooker’s favorite food?
Miso horny soup.
An employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil.
Boss: How was your trip?
Employee: It was fine but I don’t like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and hookers.
Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?
Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?
How is getting a hooker like going to Subway?
Both could have been avoided if your wife just did her God damn job.
What’s red, slimy, and crawls up a hooker’s leg?
A homesick abortion.
A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
After sex, he suddenly ran to the window, took a deep breath, dived under the bed, climbed out the other side, and started screwing her again. This happened four times.
During the fifth encore, the hooker was so impressed by his stamina that she decided to try his routine for herself. So when he had finished, she ran to the window, took a deep breath, dived under the bed, and found four Chinese men.
What does a hooker’s son get for his birthday?
A Family Discount.
What’s the difference between a hooker and Jesus?
The look on their face when you’re nailing them.
What’s the best part about having a hooker die on you?
The second hour is free.
Do you have a funny hooker joke? Write down your own hooker puns in the comment section below!
I asked a hooker for a blowjob.
She said, “It would cost $50.”
I said, “I only have $5 what can I get for that?”
She said, “A bus pass.”
I said, “What am I supposed to do with a bus pass?”
She said, “I don’t know but you’re not getting off here.”