60 Funny Virgin Jokes for First-Time Giggles

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Jessica Amlee

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Virginity, in the grand scheme of things, is like that new phone you’re too scared to take out of the box because you might drop it – it’s all about being unexplored territory. It’s a state of innocence, like a new video game character that hasn’t been played yet, waiting to embark on the grand adventure of ‘Life.’

Virginity is often treated like a big deal, wrapped up in cultural and personal values, and sometimes even seen as a badge of honor or, humorously, a sign of a social life that’s quieter than a library on a Monday morning. It’s a topic that’s been the center of countless high school comedies where the main goal is to ‘level up’ romantically speaking. But let’s be real, being a virgin is just a part of growing up, like learning to drive or figuring out how to do taxes – it’s a phase, not a personality trait. It’s in this lighthearted phase of life that virgin jokes find their playful and sometimes awkward home.

Virgin jokes, much like the topic itself, can be a delicate dance of humor and sensitivity. They’re the kind of jokes you might whisper at a sleepover or giggle about in the back of a classroom. These jokes aren’t about making fun of someone’s life choices; they’re about the universal experience of growing up, the curiosity, the blunders, and the misconceptions that come with it.

Think of virgin jokes as the comic relief in the coming-of-age movie of adolescence, where every experience is new, and every mistake is a potential plot twist. They’re a way to lighten the mood, to laugh at the awkwardness and innocence of youth. Virgin jokes are like the inside jokes of the journey to adulthood, shared with a wink and a nudge, reminding us not to take everything so seriously. So, let’s tiptoe into the amusing world of virgin jokes, where the punchlines are as harmless and playful as a first crush.

Best Virginity Jokes

Son: Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.
Mother: Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop.

Did you hear that Jeffery Epstein once visited the Virgin Islands?
They are now called the Islands.

How is virginity like a car?
Once you’ve had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either.

Don’t you wish the name of a business would describe what it sells?
Curry’s doesn’t sell curries, Domino doesn’t sell dominoes, and the Virgin Megastore, what a disappointment.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.

What do you call a museum filled with virgins?
The Guggenhymen.

Did you know there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?
Same as with the Virgin Islands. No canaries there either.

What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake.

Why are virgins so chill?
Zero f*cks given.

Little Johnny just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old.
He is finally above average for something.

Did you hear about the man who lost his virginity to a girl with Down syndrome?
He wanted his first time to be special.

What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A cherry float.

How much of a virgin can one be?
Even when one flips a coin it wouldn’t give him head.

What do you call a meeting of 72 virgins?
A scientific conference.

Chuck Norris’s daughter lost her virginity.
He found the guy. And he got it back.

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.
Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom’s mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do that but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back again and asks what to do now?
She says that they should take off their clothes, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
They follow her advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother again. By the time she is getting frustrated, and says, “Listen dumbass! Just take the biggest thing you’ve got and stick it in her hairiest spot!”
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, “Okay, so I’ve got my nose in her armpit — now what?”

You can accuse virgins of a lot of things.
But when it comes to relationships, they ain’t f*cking around.

Why tennis-playing couples are always virgins?
Love means no score.

What do you call an English virgin?

Why is it impossible for birds to be virgins?
They were all laid at birth.

A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor, “What’s going on?”
The mayor replies, “We’ve got a monster nearby that’s taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?”
The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.

How do you make virgin olive oil?
You boil the f*ck out of it.

Why was Popeye first attracted to Olive Oyl?
He heard she was extra virgin.

Did you hear about the all-virgin female Olympic 100 yd dash?
It’s a tight race.

At what age did Chuck Norris lose his virginity?
Trick question, Chick Norris never loses!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”

What would Ed Sheeran be if he wasn’t a musician?
A Virgin.

What do you call two female virgins fighting?
Clash of the ‘tight-uns.’

How do you say Virgin in German?

Did you hear the one about the virgin’s hymen?
It was tearable.

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says, “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel.”
Mario asks, “And what do I do with these things, doc?”
The doctor replies, “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.”
If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’, you hit her with the Shovel.”

What would you name an anime about a girl losing her virginity?
Initial D.

What is virgin wool?
Wool taken from a sheep that can run faster than the sheep herder.

Where did Lil Bo Peep lose her virginity?
Between the sheeps.

A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says, “Wait, honey, there’s somethin’ I need you to know. I’m a virgin.”
“What the f*ck?” The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy’s house, where he dumps her in the yard. Then the man drives to his daddy’s house and goes inside. The dad sees his son, and says, “What the hell you doin’ here, boy? Ain’t you supposed to be with your new bride?”
“Well, pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”
“Well holy dog-shit,” says the dad. “What’d you do then?”
“I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her up in the sheets, drug her down the stairs and out the door, threw her in the back of my pick up, and then drove on to her daddy’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”
The dad starts laughing, and, patting his son on the back, he says, “Good job, son. If she ain’t good enough for her family, I say she ain’t good enough for ours neither.”

Recommended: Redneck Jokes

What airline doesn’t have any mile high club members?

What do you call Rumpelstiltskin after they lose their virginity?

Why are virgins the sacrificial choice of man-eating monsters?
They’re boneless.

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter.
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her v*gina that would chop off anything inserted into it.
He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her.
When he returned, he called the 3 knights in.
He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.
He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.
He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place!
The king said, “Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!”
The knight said, “Eywanmytonbac!”

Do you know that Virgins are really tough?
No one f*cks with them.

What do a subtraction expert and a virgin have in common?
Neither of which can get sum.

A virgin goes to a brothel.
He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He’s never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.
The man does as he’s told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues.
Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience.
Finally, he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up.
“Miss, are you sick?”
“No, but the last guy was.”

What’s the place that’s full of holy virgins?

Why does a virgin want to be a bass player?
So he can pop his G-string.

A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs into bed and tries to gently reassure her.
“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I’ll give you anything you want, I’ll do anything you want. What do you want?”
“I would like number 69,” she replies shyly.
He says, “You want beef with broccoli?”

Where is the best place to lose your virginity?
Your genitals.

How did the virgin wish other virgins Happy New Year?
“Happy New Tear.”

A suicide bomber went to heaven.
The Angel at the front desk greeted him. “Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!”
“I knew it! said the bomber. “Bring me the women!”
The Angel smiled and said, “Who mentioned women?”

If 2 virgins have sex, they take each other’s virginity. Isn’t?
So technically they still have virginity, that’s just not theirs.

Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died

Kid 1: Hey I bet you’re still a virgin!
Kid 2: Yeah I was a virgin until last night.
Kid 1: As if.
Kid 2: Yeah, just ask your sister.
Kid 1: I don’t have a sister.
Kid 2: You will in about nine months.

What do you call a camel with no humps?
A virgin.

Do you know that Virginity is like a soap bubble?
One prick and it’s gone.

A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she’s going on her first date.
The grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.
Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don’t let him do that; it will disgrace our family.”
Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterward can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it.
“It went just like you said!” she says. “But I didn’t let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family.”

What do you call a virgin who lives in Alabama?
An orphan.

Recommended: Alabama Jokes

What do you call an Alabama girl who can run faster than her brothers?
A virgin.

A fellow talking to his friend says, “How can I know that my girl is a virgin ?”
The friend tells him, “You have to wait till your wedding night, you show it to her and ask what is it. If she calls it a penis, she’s a virgin. If she says it’s a c*ck, she’s been around.”
So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her and says “What is this?”
“That’s a penis!” she replies.
“Great,” he sighs, “I thought you were going to call it a c*ck.”
“Of course not! A c*ck is twice as big!!”

Why did the virgin avoid pistachios?
He had never busted a nut before.

What does a drunk with a key and a virgin have in common?
They both can’t get it in.

Johnny comes home from school excited
He says, “Guess what mom I had sex at school today.”
The mother is really upset. “That’s terrible news, Johnny, you’re only 12 years old. You go up to your room and your father will deal with you when he gets home.”
The father comes home and the mother says “I’m so upset. Johnny came home and said he had sex at school today. Go talk to him about what he did.”
The father goes up, closes the door, and gleefully says “Johnny you had sex today? Wow, that’s amazing. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18. I’m so proud of you. To show you how proud I am, we’re going to go out and get you a new bike.”
Johnny says “Thank’s dad. But can we go out tomorrow? My bum is still sore.”

How did the computer game player quit smoking?
He only smoked after sex.

Do you have a funny Virgin joke? Write down your own Virgin puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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