Horses have a way of acting like they own every field they walk into, trotting around with that proud tail flip as if they’re the CEOs of the countryside. One minute they’re calmly munching grass, and the next they’re giving you a look that says they’ve judged your entire life choices. Their drama, speed, and strange sense of royalty make them the perfect stars of almost any silly story.
Horse jokes grow naturally from all that attitude, as if the animals themselves are silently daring people to try and keep a straight face around them. When writers talk about these jokes, they turn the world of stables and fields into a stage where horses steal the spotlight without even trying. It feels like the stories keep galloping forward on their own, making readers smile just by following that playful spirit.
Best Horse Jokes
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
What does it mean when you find horseshoes?
It means a horse is walking around in its socks!
Man: “This is my horse, Mayo.”
Friend: “Why did you call him that? He’s not even a white horse?”
Mayo: [neighs]
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What is a horse’s favorite store?
Old Neeeeiiiiighvy.
Just dreamt about a horse last night.
It turned out to be a night mare.
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone has a car, and only the rich have horses.
Oh, how the stables have turned.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can’t handle the stakes.
There is a horse. The horse says, “I don’t think,” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote “I think, therefore I am.”
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Do you know why the horse stalls at a racetrack are labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
It’s so depressing working on a horse ranch.
Just surrounded by neigh-sayers.
Why don’t horses play card games together?
Because they have no hands.
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs, and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside, he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat, and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks, “Hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”
So, feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”. The man can’t believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
Don’t order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they’ll ask for your feed back.
Horses have been found to be the fastest animals in the world.
According to a recent Gallup poll.
A horse walks into a bar.
“Hey”, the Bartender says.
“Sure”, the horse replies.
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk a$$ off the carousel.
What’s the difference between the modern worker and a guy who shovels horse poo for a living?
They both deal with a lot of crap, but at least one of them has a stable job!
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Joe replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.”
Joe said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with it?”
Joe said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t flog a dead horse!”
Joe said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Joe said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2,495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Joe said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.”
Teacher: “Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.”
Charlie: “When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.”
What’s a horse’s primary concern when voting?
A stable economy.
Yo mama so fat, her polo shirt got a real horse on it.
What’s a horse’s favorite Beatles song?
Hay chewed.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
Tom Swifty: “I’m gonna get revenge on the mad scientist who turned me into a horse”
Tom said, balefully.
Recommended: Adult Horse Jokes
Do you know why horses sell their hair?
It’s their mane income.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
The horse, not understanding English, shits on the floor and leaves.
You can lead a horse to water,
but in Flint the water will be lead.
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy doesn’t move.
“Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy doesn’t budge.
“Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer says, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. “Buddy’s blind,” said the farmer. “And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”
What goes “clopclopclop-clop-clop-clop-clopclopclop?”
Horse code.
Where do horses go when they break a leg?
The Horse-pital!
Just kidding, they get shot.
A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water…
But can’t make him drink.
A poor cowboy needs a horse.
He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.
“He’ll go when you say ‘whoa!’ and stop when you say ‘giddy up!'” instructs the seller.
The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying ‘whoa’. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He commands the horse to stop by saying ‘whoa,’ but the horse only picks up speed.
Panicking, the cowboy screams, “WHOA!” but the horse only goes into a full gallop. Then the cowboy remembers and tries saying “giddy up!”
The horse comes to a complete stop mere inches from the edge of the cliff.
The cowboy brushes the sweat from his forehead and says, “Whoa, that was close.”
The horse, possessing survival instincts, knew better than to run off a cliff, and the cowboy did not face any repercussions for his poor choice of words.
Recommended: Crocodile Jokes
Why can’t horses serve in Congress?
Because they always vote Nay.
A recovering alcoholic Swedish horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Can I get you a drink?”
The horse says, “Nej.”
Yo mama so stupid, she tried playing water polo and the horse drowned.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.
And giraffes were born.
What do you call a class about Viking horses with sore throats?
A Norse hoarse horse course, of course.
An owner had a racehorse that had never won a race.
Finally, the owner lost patience and warned the horse: “Either you win this afternoon or you’ll be pulling a milk wagon tomorrow morning.”
That afternoon, the horse was lined up with the others in the starting gate. As the stalls opened, the rest of the field raced away, but as the gate was removed, the owner saw his horse fast asleep on the track.
Angrily, he ran over, kicked the horse, and yelled: “Why are you sleeping?”
The horse wearily lifted its head and replied, “I have to get up at three in the morning.”
A horse walks into a bar, bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.”
Why don’t horses pay full price at the movies?
Because they go to the matineigh.
Recommended: Panda Jokes
“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”
“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”
“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”
“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”
What do you call a horse and a bee that live in the same neighborhood?
Neigh-buzz.
Why is a pregnant horse faster than a regular horse?
Because the pregnant one has two horsepower.
If you see an animation of a horse..
.. don’t look at its teeth.. You should know you don’t look a GIF horse in the mouth.
A horse walked into a unicorn bar.
and felt really left out, because he was the only one without a horn. Their horns were beautiful, and he wanted to make friends, so the next week he booked an appointment with a plastic surgeon to get one too.
Next time he went to the bar, now sporting his new horn, he was devastated when many of the unicorns were rolling their eyes at him, looking at him quizzically.
He asked the bartender, “Why is everyone looking at me like this? I look just like you now!”
The bartender replied, “Nah, sorry mate, you really don’t. That isn’t a horn, just some silly cone.”
Whaddya call a cowboy who has never fallen off a horse?
A liar.
It’s incredibly easy to make a slow horse fast…
You just stop feeding it.
What do you call it when the quantity of horses matches the quantity of hay?
Stable equilibrium.
Recommended: Sloth Jokes
A horse walks into a bar and does a somersault, a cartwheel, and finally backflips onto a barstool. The bartender asks him: “Wow! How did you do that?” The horse answers: “Well, I’ve worked in the circus for all my life, so that’s how.” The barman nods approvingly and gives the horse a free drink.
A couple of minutes later, another horse walks in and he does a frontflip, a pirouette, and finally sideflips onto the barstool. The barman asks him, “Well, have I ever! Did you also work in the circus?”
The horse answers: “No, I just tripped over the doornat.”
What do you call a horse who lives in the stable next door?
It’s neeeeighbor!
Why are horses never overweight?
They’re on a stable diet.
Why don’t horses eat spicy food?
It gives them the trots.
A horse walks into a bar.
He approaches the bartender and says, “If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?”
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, “Y, the long face.”
What do you call a camel that has no humps?
A horse.
Did you hear the joke about the 3 legged horse?
It was lame.
A guy walks into a bar and freezes when he sees a horse behind the counter.
Suddenly, the horse actually talks and says, “You seem surprised?”
And the guy says, “I am. Did the cow sell the place?”
Recommended: Cat Jokes
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little horse.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a coke.
The bartender asks, “Straw?”
The horse replies, “No thanks, I already ate.”
What did the horse say after it tripped?
“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up!”
What kind of cheese can hide a horse?
Mascarponé.
A horse limps into a bar.
It looks terrible; wobbling at the knees, cuts and grazes all over it.
Eyes pointing in different directions, frothing at the mouth, it drags himself over to the bar.
The barman looks him up and down and asks what it’s after. The horse wickers, takes a deep breath and says, “I’ll have a pint of Guinness, a whiskey chaser and half a Stella. And a vodka and coke. And a black Sambuca. And a flute of your best champagne.”
The barman puffs out his cheeks, raises an eyebrow and starts to pour. He’s halfway through when the horse says under his breath: “I probably shouldn’t have all this with what I’ve got…”
“Why, what have you got?”
“About three quid and a carrot.”
Why did the retired German soldier become a horse doctor?
Because he was a Veteran Aryan.
How do you hide a horse in the desert?
With camelflage!
Did you hear about the investment banker who became a horse breeder?
He was always looking for the most stable returns.
Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.
Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.
This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning to find that the rubber bands have slipped off the horse’s tails. They stand by the gate scratching their heads for a while, until eventually one of the farmers comes up with a neat solution:
“Hey, Fred, tell you what: you have the black one, and I’ll have the white one.”
Recommended: Dog Jokes
What do you call a foul-mouthed Scandinavian equine?
A coarse Norse horse, of course.
What do alcoholic horses drink?
Chardonhay.
What do you call a story about a small horse?
A pony tale!
What do you call a race ran by female horses?
A mare-a-thon.
A lawman strode into a saloon. “What can I do for you, Marshall?” asked the barkeep. “Lookin’ for the Paper Bag Kid,” said the Marshall.
“Maybe I seen him. What’s he look like?” asked the barkeep.
“He wears a paper bag hat, paper bag chaps, paper bag boots, and he rides a paper bag horse.”
“Well, what’s he wanted for?”
“Rustlin’.”
What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo?
“Use the horse, Luke!”
Did you vote for the authoritarian horse even though he had no government experience?
You really fell for a colt of personality.
What do you call a wedding between two female horses?
A mare-age.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
Recommended: Cow Jokes
Did you hear about the horse-themed wedding?
First, the groom arrived, then his fiance in her bridle dress. The room was full and the guests had to jockey for seats. Everyone was chomping at the bit to get the mane event underway but the priest saddled with the job of marrying the couple waited for a stable atmosphere before he began. The couple, for their part, were giddy up in front of everyone. Both families were there, as well as all their friends and even the neigh-bours. Organising it all had been a night-mare but it was worth it in the end.
What do you call a community of horses?
A neigh-borhood.
Why didn’t I take the horse drawn carriage?
Because that horse was a terrible artist.
What does a Jamaican horse eat?
Reghay.
Two horses are standing in a field.
They see a third horse being loaded into a trailer. Horse 1 says, “Poor bastard. He’s headed to the glue factory.”
To which the other horse counters, “You never know, he might stick around.”
What would horses use against each other if they started a world war?
Neighpalm.
What do you call a dubious horse from Heaven?
A Pega-SUS.
The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident.
He’s been bacon by ambience to the near us horse piddle.
What do you call horses in Japan?
Japonies.
Recommended: Wildlife Jokes
Why aren’t horses allowed in King Arthur’s court?
Because they only have a Camelot.
Did you hear that horses running in a V formation can cross large bodies of water?
It’s the neigh-v.
What’s a good name for a horse?
Neighthan.
What do you call a pig that sounds like a horse?
A neigh-boar.
Do you have a funny Horse Joke? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!
I once had a pessimistic horse.
He was a real neigh sayer.