Crocodiles are the action movie stars of the animal world, with a rep for being the tough cookies of every riverbank. These scaly bad boys, armed with killer jaws and a suit of armor that even knights would envy, are like the aquatic version of James Bond – minus the martini, of course. Picture them in shades, lounging in rivers across Africa, Asia, the Americas, and Australia, looking like they own the place. You can often catch them sunbathing with their mouths agape – maybe they’re just trying to show off their pearly whites or hinting for a toothbrush? By night, they’re stealthy predators, the ninjas of the water world, ruling their watery domains with a mix of grace and grit. In the crocodile world, every day is an adventure – just with more teeth and fewer car chases.
Crocodile jokes are like giving these toothy titans of the river a comedy roast. They’re cheesy, they’re punny, and they’re guaranteed to elicit either a groan or a giggle (sometimes both). So, next time you see a crocodile lurking in a documentary, don’t just be scared. Remember, behind those snapping jaws lies a treasure trove of cheesy puns and dad jokes just waiting to be unleashed. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write a joke about a croc who walks into a bar… gosh!
Funny Crocodile Jokes
Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?
You will lose every hand.
If someone says “see you later alligator” you must respond with “in a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
A crocodile and a dog meet.
The croc looks at the dog with disdain and says, “Hey, flea bag!”
The dog looks back at the croc and says, “Hey, hand bag!”
Although Steve Irwin was known as the crocodile hunter,
He will always have soft spot in his heart for stingrays.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Croco.
(Croco who?)
Croco-dial my number, I’ve got a funny joke to share!
Why is handling a Karen like handling a crocodile?
They’re only dangerous if you let them open their mouths.
Did you hear about the crocodiles who got together to write parody songs?
It’s a pun croc band.
Yo mama so ugly, crocodiles give her compliments.
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
A Sherlockodile.
A father is called into school by his son’s teacher.
“Sir, you must know that your son drew a fly on his bench that looked so realistic I almost broke my hand trying to swat it!”
“Ha, that’s nothing. This morning I went into the bathroom and he had painted a crocodile in the bathtub. You should have seen me run away through the painted door”…
What do you call a cold crocodile?
A refrigergator.
What fo you call a rich crocodile?
Lacoste.
What do you call a crocidile that has a platypus as its arch nemesis?
An alligator-inator
A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A minister once gave a wrong opinion that the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said, “I served you loyally for 10 years and you do this..?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded, “Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs.” The king agreed.
In those 10 days, the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.
The guard was baffled but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
So when the 10 days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister and licking his feet.
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
It depends on whether you’ll see them later or in a while.
Recommended: Funny Alligator Jokes
Did you know that you can tell the difference between a caiman, crocodile, and an alligator by their head shape?
Alligator – like a stumpy U.
Crocodile – like a long V.
Caiman – like a wrecking ball.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile?
A funeral.
Why did the alligator think he was a crocodile?
He was in de Nile.
Traffic Cop: Sir, why’s there a crocodile buckled into your front passenger seat?
Man: (offended) Jagger isn’t a crocodile! He’s my Navi-Gator… I’d be lost without him!
MI5, CIA, and KGB are having a competition.
Three small parties from all three agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of an Egyptian forest.
For the competition, they decide that each party should catch a rabbit using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest wins.
First, the MI5 team heads into the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage. “We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us its hideout. We then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall into our trap. Neat and simple.”
Next, it’s the CIA’s turn. They go into the forest and come back four hours later, holding a rabbit that appears to have been shot and beaten several times. “We used satellite surveillance to acquire our target, but during tracking with four inconspicuous vans, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts,” they explain. Nobody objects.
Finally, it’s the KGB’s turn. The four agents disappear into the forest and return after only an hour. But instead of carrying a rabbit, they are holding a crocodile between two agents. The crocodile is badly bruised, has a limp, and keeps its gaze to the ground. Absently, it mumbles, “I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits.”
What time is it when you see a crocodile?
Time to run.
What do you call a crocodile that loves guacamole?
A guacodile!
A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says, “Help, a crocodile took my leg off!”
The EMT asks, “Oh my God, which one?”
“I don’t know,” the zookeeper replies, “those bastards all look the same!”
What has 100 eyes and 2 teeth?
A bus full of old people.
What has 2 eyes and 100 teeth?
A crocodile.
What do you get if you cross a river with tap shoes?
Riverdance.
What do you get if you cross a river with crocs?
Eaten.
Recommended: Funny Alligator Puns
A teacher asks one of her students “Kyle, how do you spell crocodile?”
“K-R-O-K-A-D-I-A-L,” Kyle says.
“No, I’m sorry, that’s not right,” the teacher says. “It’s C-R-O-C-O-D-I-L-E.”
“Well,” Kyle says, “you asked me how do I spell it?”
What do you call a crocodile that suffers from Kleptomania?
A crookodile.
The king was baffled at what he saw. “What happened to the dogs?!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service… Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”…
The king quickly realized his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
Did you hear about that crocodile that got into a fight?
He was the instigator.
If a crocodile is the owner of a telephone company, what will be the name of the company?
Croco-dial.
A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up, and says, “Hey man, can I hit that?”
Koala says, “Hell yeah man come on up and get you some”
Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long the effects are taking hold. The lizard, having cottonmouth says to the koala, “Man I really need something to drink!”
Koala says, “Head on down the road a bit and you’ll get to a river, get you a drink, and come back!”
Lizard scurries down the tree, heads down the road, gets to the river, and starts drinking his fill. He’s so stoned, though, that he loses balance and falls into the water.
A passing crocodile sees the lizard, scoops him up, and puts him back on the shore. The croc says, “Dude you look stoned as shit, you good?”
Lizard says, “Yeah man down the road the koala has some of the best weed I’ve ever come across. Go up there and see if he’ll let you hit the blunt”
Croc starts heading up the road and soon he’s at the base of the tree.
Koala looks down, sees the croc, and says, “DAMN DUDE HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!?!?”
Do you know that some crocodiles can grow 18-20ft?
But most have 4.
An elephant, an ostrich, and a crocodile stop a guy in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, “We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of a hallucinogenic nature, Sir.”
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge?
A snapshot.
An Australian walks into a US bar.
He brings a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, “Hey! You can’t bring that dangerous animal in here!”
“Dangerous? That ridiculous!” the Aussie proclaims. “Watch this!”
He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc’s jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his d*ck lays it over the crocodile’s teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes its mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin.
“Anyone else wanna try it?” the Australian asks.
A blonde woman raises her hand and says, “I will…if you don’t hit me with the paper.”
Which has the most vicious bite, alligators or crocodiles?
They’re both chompians.
Where does the crocodile organize his finances?
At the riverbank.
A guy finds a crocodile in his backyard.
So, he calls up an animal control center and asks, “I found a crocodile in my yard, and I managed to get it in my truck… what should I do with it?” The person from the animal control center responds, “Well, your best bet now would be to take it to the zoo.”
The following day, the animal control center employee decides to call and check back with the guy to see what happened to the crocodile. He asks, “So, what did you do with the crocodile?” The guy responds, “Well, I took it to the zoo yesterday like you suggested… and tonight I’m taking it to a movie.”
How do you get a crocodile drunk?
Schnapps.
Everyone knows about Kangaroo Courts, but what happens in Crocodile Courts?
A whole lot of alligat-ions.
Three blondes are lost in the desert.
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it’s swarming with crocodiles.
Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: “Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish.”
The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the genie’s fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly.
The second blonde had to rethink and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option. Without hesitation, a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten.
The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.)After a while, she exclaimed: “You know, I always wanted to try a different hair color.” As soon as she was finished talking, her hair color changed to brown.
“OH!” she then said, “Look over there, a bridge.”
What do you call a Muslim crocodile?
An Allahgator!
What do you call a crocodilian attorney?
A litigator!
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids—I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big croc, “what have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small croc.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”
“On the other side of the river, near the Parliament car park in Pretoria.”
“Same here. Hmm… How do you catch them?” asked the big croc.
“Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW, or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a politician, there’s nothing much left but an a*sehole with a briefcase.”
What do you call crocodile HIV?
GatorAIDS.
Why did the hospital name the local Crocodile ‘Vegan’?
Because they only feed him vegetables.
What’s the only animal unaffected by climate change?
Egyptian Crocodiles. Because they live in the Nile.
Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a crocodile that m*sturbates a lot?
A m*sturbator.
Do you have a funny joke about Crocodiles? Write down the puns in the comment section below!
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!