Every May, the horses in Kentucky suddenly become celebrities. The Kentucky Derby is a fancy horse race where everyone wears big hats, sips on drinks they can’t pronounce, and pretends to know anything about racing. The 151st Kentucky Derby was held on May 3, 2025, at Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky. With all the excitement, it’s no wonder Kentucky Derby Jokes are racing their way into the spotlight.
Even the horses probably roll their eyes at the dad jokes flying around during Derby season. One minute you’re cheering, the next you’re giggling because someone made a pun about saddles. Kentucky Derby Jokes aren’t just for the racetrack—they’re for anyone who likes their humor fast, funny, and a little off-track.
Best Kentucky Derby Jokes
It appears my parents were right:
Journalism doesn’t pay.
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.
I’m looking out the window at them now……….. and they’re off…..
What do the Kentucky Derby and a wedding have in common?
They both have months of build up for 2 minutes of action.
Kentucky Derby winner Sovereignty, turned down a meet and greet with Donald Trump.
He said, “If I wanted to see a horse’s a$$ I would have come in second.”
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Derby.
(Derby who?)
Derby a lot of people here to watch this horse race.
If you had a horse in the Kentucky Derby, what would you name it?
Lettuce, because lettuce is always a head.
What do you call a race run by female horses?
A mare-a-thon.
One day, a traveling salesman knocked on his door. While waiting for the farmer to answer, he noticed the horses racing around their pen. After giving his sales pitch, he said to the farmer, “You know, those two horses are pretty quick. Have you ever thought about racing them?”
The farmer thought about it and eventually decided to take them down to a local derby. As soon as the announcer said “GO,” the gates opened and his two horses were fighting for the lead—Razzle, then Dazzle. Razzle, then Dazzle. Razzle wins by a nose. The farmer wins some cash and starts to think this could be kinda fun.
Every weekend, he races them. It’s always the same thing. The announcer says “GO,” the gates open, and Razzle and Dazzle are neck and neck. Razzle, then Dazzle. Razzle, then Dazzle. Razzle wins by a nose.
Life is good. The farmer buys a new truck and trailer with his winnings. He enters the horses in the Kentucky Derby. The announcer says “GO,” gates open, Razzle and Dazzle are off again. Razzle, then Dazzle. Razzle, then Dazzle. Razzle wins by a nose.
Years pass. Razzle and Dazzle are getting older, so the farmer retires them. One day, while sitting in their pen, Dazzle turns to Razzle and says, “I know I can beat you. What do you say? One last race?”
Razzle nods. “Okay. But it’s not official unless someone says ‘GO’. Hey dog, will you say go for us?”
The dog nods.
Razzle and Dazzle line up. The dog says, “GO!” Razzle and Dazzle are fighting for the lead. Razzle, then Dazzle. Razzle, then Dazzle. Razzle wins by a nose.
After the race, Razzle looks at Dazzle and says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”
Did you hear about the donkey who won the Kentucky Derby?
He was a real burrobread.
Why did the waitress like going to the horse racing track?
The tips were good.
What did one racehorse say to the other?
“The pace is familiar but I can’t remember the mane.”
Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.
One of the guys, Jeff, is bragging at a local meetup about how his dog is so fast it could almost beat a racehorse. Full of confidence, he bets everyone $300 that no pet can outrun his dog. Then comes Steve, wearing a long trench coat and a quiet smile. He steps up and takes the bet without hesitation.
After the race, the group heads to Jeff’s backyard with a small crowd tagging along, curious to see what happens next. Jeff sets up a 10-meter track, brings out his dog, and waits. Steve? He reaches into his trench coat and pulls out… a turtle.
The crowd chuckles, but the race starts. Steve hurls the turtle like a football across the track—and it wins.
Jeff is shocked. But not one to back down, he bets $600 that his dog will win a 100-meter race. Steve agrees. This time, Steve pulls out a potato gun from his coat, loads up the turtle, and launches it straight past the finish line. Another win.
Now $900 down, Jeff raises the stakes to $1800 and demands a 400-meter race—four full laps. No tricks. Steve accepts. Both animals line up. The race begins. The turtle zips ahead and finishes a full ten seconds before the dog.
The crowd gasps. Jeff is stunned. Everyone wants to know: why didn’t the turtle run that fast the first time? Steve grins and says, “I had to keep the con going somehow.”
Kentucky Derby.
NASCAR for the Amish.
What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
Sherbet.
How do you make a small fortune in Thoroughbred horse racing?
Start with a large fortune.
A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.
He calls out to the captain and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, “Why not? Might be fun,” and gives the horse a bat as it walks onto the pitch for the opener.
The horse catches the first ball solidly for a six. He does the same for the second and third balls. Every ball that comes to him: Six! Six! Six! The over finally ends, and the horse’s partner, the captain, gets his chance to bat.
The bowler runs in from the other end, and the captain manages to only hit a one. As he starts running for the other end, the horse just stands there.
The captain starts yelling, “Run!”
The players on the sidelines start yelling, “Run!”
Some of the spectators even start yelling, “Run!”
The horse looks up and says, “Run? Do me a favor! If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby!”
Why did the vampire attend the Kentucky Derby?
He heard the race was going to be neck and neck.
Why do race horses like to fart when they buck?
Because they can’t achieve full horse power without gas.
How does a horse from Kentucky greet another horse?
With Southern Horspitality!
Billy leans on the fence and asks, “Your mare—what breed is it?”
Jack shrugs. “No clue, but it beat the winner of this year’s Kentucky Derby.”
Billy’s eyes widen. “Then why wasn’t it entered in the Triple Crown?”
Jack sighs. “Problem is, it only gallops at night. Snoozes all day.”
Billy shakes his head and mutters, “Tsk tsk tsk… a nightmare.”
Are you guys watching the Kentucky Derby?
Yay or neigh?
What type of computer does a race horse like to eat?
A Macintosh.
A horse is in the pub having a few drinks when he spots a donkey sitting in the corner. Curious, he trots over for a chat.
The donkey asks, “What did you do for a living?”
The horse replies, “I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter.”
“Nice,” says the donkey. “I worked with kids on Blackpool Beach. Did you ever win anything?”
“Oh yes,” says the horse. “On the flat, I won the Oaks, the St. Leger, and the Derby. Over the jumps, I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”
Impressed, they agree to meet at the donkey’s house the following week. Wanting to make a good impression, the donkey thinks, “This guy’s done everything. I need to impress him.”
So, he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
When the horse arrives, he says, “Lovely place you have here. And who’s that in the picture on the wall?”
The donkey proudly replies, “That’s me when I played for Juventus.”
Why don’t female jockeys shave their pu$$ies?
They like their fur long!
My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.
I also considered putting money on the derby.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse.
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It’s 7:07 AM.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs, and glances at his calendar. It says it’s July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside, he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop, orders a coffee and a bite to eat, and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks, “Hmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”
Feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man decides to cut out early from work and heads to the racetrack. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race, horse #7 is called “Lucky Universe.” The man can’t believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.
However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it’s no fun beating a dead horse!
If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face.
Just to hear the crowd chant “COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!”
“…and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!”
What do race horses eat?
Fast Food.
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race.
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning a$$.
She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best a$$ in town.
The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her a$$.
The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her a$$ for £50.
The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her a$$.
A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun’s a$$.
The priest faints.
I think we can win the race, but my horse doubts it.
He’s a neighsayer.
What did the bra say to the Derby hat?
“You go on a head while I give these two a lift.”
A blonde and a brunette decide to go to the movies together.
The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says, “I’ll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins.” The blonde says, “OK, you’re on!”
The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess: “I have to admit that I saw this movie last week.”
The blonde replies, “So did I, but I didn’t think that black horse could possibly win a second time!”
My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it.
No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.
What do you call racing royalty?
A Triple Crown Prince.
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him around the head with a frying pan. “What was that for?” the man asked.
The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.”
The man then said, “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.” The wife apologized and went back to her housework.
Three days later, the man was watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked, “Why did you hit me again?” The wife replied, “Your horse phoned.”
What did the waiter say to the race horse?
“I can’t take your order. That’s not my stable.”
Recommended: Racing Jokes
A horse named “Needle and Thread” is running away with the horse race. What did the announcer say?
“I think he’s got this race all sewn up.”
The owner of a racehorse is angry because the horse he paid so much money for has yet to win a race.
“Listen to me,” the man says, grabbing the horse by the harness. “You’d better win this race or you’ll be working the farm tomorrow.”
The horses line up in the gates, the starting gun sounds, and the gate is removed. All of the horses take off for the finish line, except the owner’s horse. He is fast asleep in his starting pen.
“What the heck do you think you’re doing?” the owner yells at the horse.
“I’m grabbing some rest,” says the horse. “I’ve got to work the farm early tomorrow morning.”
What do you say to a jockey whose horse is stoned and refuses to race before m@sturbating?
Get off your high horse.
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington race course, to watch horse racing.
When it was time to take the children to the ‘bathroom’, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, “You must be in Grade 3?”
“No ma’am”, he replied. “I am the jockey riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.”
I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did!
Unfortunately, all the others came in at 12.30.
Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey?
In case he takes o-ffence.
A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend. “What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”
Recommended: Marathon Jokes
Why did the farmer name his horse Mayo?
Because Mayo neighs.
A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.
It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties. Sadly, one day the champion dies, and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.
He approaches the local Anglican minister, who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls. He then approaches the Catholic priest, who tells him the same thing. As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi, who gives him the same sermon.
As he is about to leave, he says that he is going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue. “Hold on,” says the Rabbi, “you never told me it was a Jewish horse.”
What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?
At the track you really mean it!
Do you have a Kentucky Derby Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
Horse racing grand national winner injured today. He’s in the hospital, and in stable condition.