Sailors have been riding the waves for centuries, and with all that water, you bet they’ve soaked up a good sense of humor. Maritime jokes come from the world of ships, oceans, and everything that floats without flipping over. From captains shouting commands no one understands to sailors cooking in a kitchen that won’t stop rocking, the sea turns simple things into comedy. Life on a ship might be serious business, but it leaves room for Maritime Jokes to drop anchor in our funny bones.
Out at sea, strange things happen, someone loses a sock, the parrot learns bad words, and nobody knows where the captain’s hat went. That’s where Maritime Jokes shine. They’re born from long nights, salty air, and trying to stay sane while chasing flying fish off the deck. Sailors tell them to stay cheerful, and landlubbers love them because laughing at a ship in a swimming pool never gets old.
Best Maritime Jokes
Did you hear about the cargo ship carrying red paint that collided with a cargo ship carrying purple paint?
Both crews were marooned.
What do you call a sea Captain’s hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons?
A novel naval navel novel.
How do you cut an ocean in two?
With a sea-saw.
How did the pirate get his ship so cheap?
It was on sail…
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
I recently subscribed to Asian Maritime History Monthly…
But haven’t received a single issue. Then I remembered I had “No junk mail” on my door.
Recommended: Marine Jokes
What is the nickname of the naval basketball team?
The dribbling seamen.
Why does Norway’s Navy have barcodes on their ships?
It’s to Scandinavian.
Did you hear the one about the Honor Roll students at the maritime academy?
They were all above C level.
What do you call a chapel in a naval dockyard?
A place of warship.
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Don’t let him drive that cargo freighter,
Don’t let him steer that cargo freighter,
Don’t let him near that cargo freighter,
Early in the morning.
What does Joseph say to his wife when they go on a cruise?
“It’s marytime!”
What do you call a cruise ship filled with skilled artisans?
Great Craftsman Ship.
Recommended: Pirate Jokes
How did the college student cross the ocean?
On a scholar-ship.
Did you hear about the cargo ship carrying yo-yos that got caught in a typhoon?
It sank 23 times.
I don’t like Maritime jokes.
They serve no porpoise.
3.14% of sailors are…
Π-rates.
When God was integrating Planet Earth, he suddenly recalled his Calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
What do you call a boat for couples?
A relation-ship.
What happens to a jury on a high-profile maritime murder case?
They get sea-questered.
Recommended: Cruise Jokes
I once tried to break a maritime speed record by pulling a sailboat by a three ropes tied for better grip
But I was only able to reach two knots.
Where do sailors go to get a new car?
The dealerSHIP.
Why won’t the germophobe use the maritime journalist’s toilet?
Because he’s afraid of ship articles.
What should you do if you are addicted to Sea Weed?
Sea Kelp.
What do you call the killer whales sinking ships?
Orcanized Crime.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck.
What rules do cabbage boats follow?
Maritime Slaw.
Maritime History Professor: So, what do you think is the most important sea in Europe?
Student: Undoubtedly, the one in Amsterdam Canal Experience.
Recommended: Fish Jokes
What STD do sailors get the most?
Merm-aids.
What do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailor.
What did the sea monster say to the comedian?
“You’re kraken me up.”
What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.
Why are maritime and shipping jokes so funny?
It’s all in the delivery.
Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships carrying potatoes?
Because you can’t eat just one potato ship.
What vegetable to sailors hate the most?
Leeks.
What do you call a ship full of male cats?
Tom Cruise.
When do you buy a ship?
When it’s on sale.
Why is the sea salty?
Because no matter how much it waves, no-one ever waves back.
What did the retired sailor say?
“Long time, no sea.”
What shivers at the bottom of the sea?
A nervous wreck.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
What’s the most famous fish in the sea?
A starfish.
How do you milk a ship?
Squeeze her rudders, of course!
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel.
Do you have a funny Maritime Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
Why are fast yachts like popular furniture stores?
Both always seem to have a sail on.