Marines are the superheroes of the military world, decked out not in capes but in camouflage. They’re the ones who can do push-ups with one hand while eating a sandwich with the other. Imagine a group so tough, they use sandpaper as napkins and consider a 10-mile run as a warm-up exercise. But it’s not all about flexing muscles and winning arm-wrestling contests with statues. These tough cookies have a lighter side too, hidden under their helmets like a secret treasure. It’s their sense of humor, as robust and surprising as finding a whoopee cushion on a tank seat. And that’s where Marine jokes come into play, a little-known but hilarious part of military life.
Marine jokes are like a secret handshake in this world of disciplined seriousness. They’re the kind of jokes that make you laugh out loud, even if you’re trying really hard to keep a straight face during a drill. These jokes are not your regular knock-knock jokes; they’re more like, “knock-knock, who’s there? A Marine, now drop and give me 20 laughs!” So, buckle up your laughter belts, we’re about to dive into the world of Marine jokes where the only thing serious is the amount of fun.
Best Marine Jokes
What do you call an IQ of 160 in the Marines?
What do you call someone who is being mean to a Marine?
Rotten to the corps!
What do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist?
A marine biologist.
How does a Marine like his eggs?
Yo mama so fat, the Marines used her pants for a parachute.
Where do peanuts go if they want to join the Marines?
One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.
During training, he just can’t keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he’s called upon as a reserve.
35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.
Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of control and crashes into the lake.
Fishermen from around the lake start diving in, trying to rescue the driver, but the car has descended too far into the deep water.
The man steps up, and without a second thought, jumps in.
The fishermen watch as 30 seconds pass…
“He’s gone,” think the fishermen, “There’s no way he can survive this long under water.”
After 20 minutes, the emergency services finally arrive and the fishermen direct them to where the car went down.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, something bobs up to the surface… not one, but two people! The man had saved the driver!
As they pull themselves ashore, everyone gathers around in amazement. “How the hell did you manage to survive so long underwater and dive so deep?”
“Well, I’m retired now, but I have a lot of experience,” replies the man, “I spent 35 long years as a sub-marine!”
Did you hear about the man who tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements?
So they put him in the Navy since he was a sub-marine.
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Why don’t Swedish people need to worry about security in marine events?
Because they scan the navy in.
Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport.
They put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower, and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl, unlike anything you’ve ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exclaims, “That’s the shortest damn runway I’ve ever seen.” The co-pilot looks to the left, then looks to the right and says, “Yeah, but it sure is wide!”
Why did the marine join a pottery class?
Because his Sargeant said he should learn about the claymore.
How did Cap’n Crunch end up winning first place in the Dog Show?
He was a fine-looking wee mariner.
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
What is a whale zombie’s favorite branch of the military?
The Marine Corpse.
What do you call an American soldier who fell over board?
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A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar.
The bartender – also a former serviceman – spots the guy’s SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.
“This one is on the house bro”, he says.
“Thanks, man,” said the patron.
“Look,” he says… “would you mind holding the glass up to my mouth?”
“Sure,” said the bartender, and he patiently held it while the vet sipped back the frosty nectar.
“If,” says the armless man, “you’d reach in my right-hand pocket, you’ll find my smokes, could you please…”
The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.
“You’ve been very kind,” said the customer. “Just one thing more.”…
“Where is the men’s room?”
The bartender’s face suddenly turns flush…
“Out the door, turn left, walk two blocks – there’s a gas station on the corner.”
What would Marines be called if they wore all brown?
What do you call an Asian Marine’s son who’s failing school?
A dishonorable discharge.
A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”
What did the marine say when he spotted a bee?
What does MARINES stand for?
Marines Are Respected Individuals Needed Everywhere Serving OooooRah!
How do you know when you can tell a Marine is standing on level ground?
There is drool coming out of both sides of his mouth!
A marine comes back from Vietnam after fighting for a year.
He is sent to the Pentagon. The Pentagon asks him, “Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?”
The marine says, “I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my p*nis to my balls.”
The Pentagon says, “You sure you don’t want something else?”
The marine says, “No sir.”
One of the generals takes a ruler and starts to measure. But he does not find the balls.
The general asks, “Where are your balls marine?”
The Marine replies, “In Vietnam.”
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Why are the Japanese Marine Corps so good at fractions?
Because they always remember to semper fi it.
What is similar between marines and submarines?
Navy goes down on them.
These Marines are in a bar. Every time a buddy comes in he high-fives this Marine and yells, “Two weeks!”
They keep doing this until the bartender asks, “What’s all this two weeks stuff?” A Marine tells him their friend finished a puzzle in two weeks.
The bartender says, “So, what’s so great about that?”
The Marine replies, “It said on the side of the box 4 to 6 years.
How do you knock out a marine?
Throw sand at the wall and tell him to hit the beach!
Why does the Navy have Marines on their ships?
Sheep are to obvious.
A sailor walks into the bathroom to go pee.
As he walks in, he sees a kid standing there. The kid looks up and asks, “Mister, are you a sailor?” The sailor says that he is and asks the kid if he wants to wear his hat. The kid nods his head and puts it on.
A minute later, a Marine walks in and goes over to the urinal. The kid looks up and asks, “Mister, are you a Marine?” The Marine says, “Yeah, why? You wanna hold my d*ck or something?”
The kid says, “Oh no, I’m not a sailor, I’m just wearing his hat.”
Why was the Marine bad at basketball?
Because his drill sergeant said he couldn’t shoot!
Three boys are playing Marines outside.
A man walks up to them and asks what they’re up to. The first boy doing air squats says, “I’m rock climbing.” The second boy running in place says, “I’m on tour right now running through the desert.”
The third boy doing push-ups says, “I’m friends with these two and while they’re on tour I’m sleeping with their wives.”
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How many Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
“F*ck it, we’ll drink in the dark.”
Why do people residing on foreign coasts fear Marines?
Because they can commit a littoral invasion.
A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went.
“Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!”
“Ooh! Nice!” another girl says. “How’d it go?”
“Well, I told him it was $50 for a f*ck. He said he didn’t have that much. So I told him it’s $25 for a bl*wjob. He didn’t have that much either. So I said it’s $10 for a handjob. He agreed. So I unzipped him and pulled his dick out. Oh my God, it was huge! I wrapped one hand around the base, and a second hand above that, and then I put my first hand above the second hand and there was still more dick!”
“Oh my God! What happened next?” the other girl says.
“I loaned him $40.”
Why do Marines travel with the Navy to their deployments?
Because donkeys would be too obvious.
Why do Navy men have tattoos on their backs?
Give the Marines something to read.
An old nearly blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar.
He sits down at the bar, squints through his old eyes, sees a woman at the end of the bar, and gives her a wave.
She sees the old man, lifts her arm, and gives him a big wave back, revealing a very hairy armpit.
The old marine says to the bartender “I’ll take a shot of whiskey, and send a shot to the dancer at the end of the bar.”
The bartender asks “How do you know she’s a dancer?”
The old marine says “Well who the hell else could lift their leg that high?”
Why did the male stripper join the navy?
Because the marines don’t take s*men.
Why are Marines like bananas?
They come in green, turn yellow, and die in bunches on the beach.
Do you have a funny joke about Marines? Write down the puns in the comment section below!