99 Funny Painting Jokes That Will Surely Portray A Smile

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Jessica Amlee

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Painting, the grand old art of splattering, dabbing, and brushing colors onto a surface, is like a silent comedy show where the punchlines are the unpredictable strokes and blends. It’s an art form where your canvas can go from a blank slate to a chaotic blend of a toddler’s dinner plate in mere minutes. Artists often say they express their feelings through their art, but let’s be honest, sometimes it feels like they’re just playing a high-stakes game of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’ with paint. From the graceful swirls of a renaissance masterpiece to the abstract blobs that make you go, “My dog could do that!”, painting is a kaleidoscope of creativity and surprises. And speaking of surprises, let’s dive into the colorful world of painting jokes.

Now, painting jokes are a curious breed. They’re like dad jokes, but instead of a dad, you have a beret-wearing artist with paint stains on their overalls, delivering the punchlines with a dramatic flourish of their brush. These jokes don’t just tickle your funny bone; they also give your imagination a rainbow-colored wig and a pair of those wacky glasses with the springy eyeballs. They’re the kind of jokes that make you pause, think, and then chuckle, much like when you’re trying to figure out if that painting is a deep metaphor for life or just a bunch of squiggles. The beauty of painting jokes lies in their ability to add a stroke of humor to the canvas of our daily lives, proving that art isn’t just about being serious and introspective. It’s also about having a good laugh, preferably while wearing an outrageously splattered apron.

Best Painting Jokes 

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
50 sailors were marooned.

Why did the painting go to jail?
It was framed.

A man was arrested for spray painting graffiti and he tried to deny it.
But…the writing was on the wall.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

What do you call a ghost in a painting?
A portrait-geist.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite painting?
The Sha-Mona Lisa.

A priest is painting the outside of his church.
He realizes he won’t have enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does. When he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice calls out, “Repaint, and thin no more.”

What do you call a pirate who paints?
An arrrtist!

Why did Van Gogh become a painter?
Because he didn’t have an ear for music.

What do you call the world’s most famous oil painting?
The Gulf Of Mexico.

What do you call a painter with gas?
A fartist.

A struggling artist gets his first painting into an art gallery.
An art critic approaches him, “Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?”
“It’s pretty much worthless.”
“I don’t mind, you can tell me anyway.”

What do you call a printer that takes up painting?
The Artist, formally known as Prints.

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.
The police still can’t see the full picture.

What type of fuel do painters prefer?
Whatever makes the van gogh.

What fun device allows you to hop up and down while appreciating depressed painters and writers?
A Poe-Gogh stick.

A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. “Wow!” he says. “You did eight miles today! That’s amazing!”
The second day, the blonde’s production is down to four miles. “Still pretty darn good,” the supervisor says.
On the third day, the blonde only does two miles. The supervisor calls her into the office. “What’s going on?” he asks. “The first day you did great with eight miles, then yesterday you were down to four, and today you only managed two. What’s the problem?”
The blonde rolls her eyes and says “Duh! The paint bucket keeps getting farther away!”

Did you hear about the new paint called “blonde” paint?
It’s not very bright but it spreads easily.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.

What’s the difference between watching baseball and paint dry?
Watching paint dry does not take as long as watching a baseball game and you may even see more runs.

Why can’t the painter find a date?
His poor traits!

An art thief broke into the Louvre.
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.
He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
Without a moment’s hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police.
“I don’t understand”, Said the police officer. “How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?”
To which the thief replied: “But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!”

Why did the snail paint an S on his car?
So when he sped past people they would say “look at that S car go”!

How much paint does it take to paint a tropical birdhouse?
Two cans.

What’s the reason you shouldn’t drink paint?
Cause it’s gonna be paintful when you are full.

The painters finished the painting in the man’s home.
And they hand him the bill. The man noticed that by the paint it says $0. He says, “You guys did such a good job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”
The head painter looks at him and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

Who is this Rorschach guy?
….and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?!

Why do quiet paintings always ruin your underwear?
Because they’re shhh-art.

What is the name of the guy who paints cars?

Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.
Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, “I am Jesus Christ, hear me!”
The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Michelangelo said, even louder, “I am Jesus Christ, Son of God, obey me!”
Still, the woman did not budge. So, Michelangelo shouted at the top of his lungs, “I am Jesus Christ, hear my word!”
The old woman finally turned to look up, and held up her rosary, saying, “Shut up! I’m talking to your mother!”

What do you call a crab that likes to paint?
Leonardo Da Pinci.

Why did the electric eel take up painting?
He needed an outlet.

What do you get when you paint every car in America pink?
A pink carnation.

A man goes into an antique dealership carrying a violin and a painting. “Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I’ve just bought. I’m interested in having them valued with a view to selling them.” The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.
“Very interesting,” he tells the man on his return. “You realise, you’ve got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here.”
“That’s wonderful- I’m rich!” exclaims the man.
“Not so fast, son.” replies the dealer- “Rembrandt violins are notorious for poor quality and Stradivarius couldn’t paint to save his life.”

Why couldn’t Rembrandt afford more paint?
He was Baroque.

What do you call a Danish cave painting?
A den mark.

Why does God look so ripped on all paintings?
Because he was the body builder.

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.
He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying to come out alive.
The worst of events happens and the police come to bring the news to the now widowed wife. “Miss, we are sorry to tell you but your husband has drowned after he fell into a massive tank at the brewing company that he was painting.” Sobbing, the wife asks, “What a tragedy!. But tell me please, did he suffer?”
The policeman responds, “We do not believe so, he came out 3 times to take a piss before he drowned.”

Why are there no fat painters?
Because they all went to the paint store to get thinner.

Where does a cow hang his paintings?
In a Moo-seum.

Painter: How are my paintings selling?
Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.
Painter: Wow! That’s terrific! What’s the bad news?
Gallery Owner: He was your doctor!

How do artists make paintings standing up?

What do you call an uncomfortable drawing?
A painting.

Why did the painter cross the road?
It was chicken’s day off.

Why was the teacher angry with the student?
Because he was painting the devil on the wall infront of the principal.

What do you call an artist running from a farm?

What do painters call their birthdays?
Red-letter day.

Why did the taggers roam around the city at night?
They wanted to paint the town red.

What cryptocurrency do painters use?

How did the painter die?
By drawing last breathe.

What happened when you asked the artist with Alzheimer’s for his phone number?
He drew a blank.

Where did the painter take out his GF to watch a movie?
To a silver screen.

What did the painter draw first in the morning?
The blinds.

What if two painters engage in presidential debates?
They would have drawn blood from each other.

Which is said to be a ‘cursed book’ among painters?
The art of failure.

What do you call a painter who is colorblind?
A sketch artist.

What do you call a drawing made by aquatic animals?
Watercolor paintings.

What problem did Alexander the great face when drawing a self-portrait?
He can’t draw back.

Which is the favorite movie of an artist?
Stroke of Luck.

Why if Muhammad Ali was a painter?
He must be good at drawing first blood.

How did the therapist help the painter with his emotions?
He drew them out.

How do painters swim?
They use breaststroke.

What do painters do on weekends?
They paint the town.

What did the water colors tell the graphite pencil?
Don’t use that tone with me.

Why did the painter lose the elections?
He couldn’t draw enough support.

Which is the favorite TV show of a painter?
Art attack.

Which is the most serious illness for artists?

Why did the female painter apply white liner to her eyes before the event?
She wanted to draw attention.

Why was the artist working more than 48 hours a week?
He couldn’t draw a line, could he?

What do you call a painting made in Saudi Arabia?
Oil painting.

Where did the painter sell his works?
Black market.

How did the painter help his friend in winters?
He helped him with another coat.

What if you told someone that his/her drawing was ugly?
He/she would turn beet red.

How do painters become famous?
By drawing interest.

What do you call the model used for body painting?
Ms Paint.

How do the painters fair in their road test?
Passed with flying colors.

Why was the painter arrested for drawing graffiti on court walls?
Because he had a brush with the law.

What do you call a drawing made by a dog?

Why did the old painter avoid eating fried foods?
He had too many strokes.

What do you call an artist running from a town?

How can an artist increase the value of his paintings?
By dying.

Yo mama so fat, she uses a house paintbrush for makeup.

What happened to the painter who was charged with reckless driving?
He was blacklisted.

Why can’t painters win at chess?
Because they draw.

Did you hear about the man going around painting people’s houses illegally?
They caught him red-handed.

How did Leonardo da Vinci become one of the most famous painters of all time?
He brushed aside others.

What did Michelangelo tell his son who failed in Maths?
Brush up on your skills.

Why did Torrigiano punch Michelangelo?
He was not in the right frame of mind.

Vincent Van Gogh feverishly cut off his own ear and went to the doctor.
Doctor looking puzzled: Can you explain why have you mentioned your condition as half-blind in the form?
Vincent: My hat would fall down over my eyes.

What’s the difference between women and toys?
Pablo Picasso: None.

What did Salvador Dali say when the barber asked about trimming his mustache?
Let it grow, I won’t hold it back anymore.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Raphael who?)
Your rap ails me.

What is the difference between Monalisa and Crucifixion?
It takes one nail to hang Monalisa.

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?”
“Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other, and then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.”
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice t*ts! Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

What were the painting’s final words?
“First they frame me, then they hang me.”

Did you hear they found a painter dead at his home?
The details are sketchy.

What does a painter do in the desert?

A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her.
He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.
“I want you to paint me in the nude,” she said, “Do you have any objections?”
“Not for $7,000 I don’t. But I would have to keep my socks on. I must have somewhere to put my brushes.”

The Dicatator could’ve been better with his paintings.
Too bad he didn’t believe in mixing colors.

Did you hear about the man who did his first nude painting?
He said that the neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

Did you know it’s now politically incorrect to say ‘black paint’?
Now you have to say “Jerome can you please paint the fence”.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

We hope you enjoyed the painting jokes presented above. Please share your thoughts in the comments box below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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