Retirement is that golden phase of life when the daily grind becomes a thing of the past, and Monday mornings no longer ignite a sense of dread. It’s the time when alarm clocks can finally be set aside and working attire swapped for those comfy pajamas you’ve always wanted to wear all day. Retirees bid adieu to the 9-to-5 life, embracing a horizon filled with new adventures, hobby exploration, and perhaps an occasional afternoon nap. But far from being just a long, unending weekend, retirement offers a chance to reinvent oneself, discover new passions, and truly take hold of the reins of one’s own time.
Retirement jokes are a humorous nod to the quirks and perks of leaving the workforce behind. They capture the essence of newfound freedom and the occasional idiosyncrasies that come with it. From puns about unlimited coffee breaks to one-liners about finally being the boss of one’s own agenda, retirement jokes celebrate this well-earned phase of life with a chuckle and a wink. After all, laughter is one job that should never retire!
Best Retirement Jokes
If Christ were alive today, why would he have a huge retirement account?
Because Jesus saves.
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
What are terminators called when they retire?
Exterminators.
Why can’t you tell a good joke about retired people?
Because none of them work!
Yo mama so fat, when someone offered her a dollar for every pound she weighed, she used the money to retire.
The economy in the UK is getting so dire that the elderly aren’t getting to enjoy their retirement.
The BBC interviewed 73-year-old Charles from Windsor: “Despite having a generous government pension, I’ve had to start working today.”
What do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?
Bob.
Why is a Senior year of High School is a lot like a retirement home?
You don’t work anymore, you hate everyone who’s younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Retired.
What do you call a retired miner?
Doug.
What did the old married cassette tape say to his wife in “92?
Now we can retire, It will be nice to relax and rewind
Why did the retired Greek warrior go to the doctor?
For post-spartan depression.
Yo mama smells so bad, she made Old Spice retire.
Did you hear about the city’s top donut baker who announced retirement?
Apparently, he’d grown tired of the hole business.
Why can’t drummers come back from retirement?
Because there will be repercussions.
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Why is the retired paleontologist so lonely?
He’s always dating himself.
One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.
During training, he just can’t keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he’s called upon as a reserve.
35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.
Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flies past him out of control and crashes into the lake.
Fishermen from around the lake start diving in, trying to rescue the driver, but the car has descended too far into the deep water.
The man steps up, and without a second thought, jumps in.
The fishermen watch as 30 seconds pass…
1 minute…
2 minutes…
3 minutes…
“He’s gone”, think the fishermen, “there’s no way he can survive this long underwater.”
After 20 minutes, the emergency services finally arrive and the fishermen direct them to where the car went down.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, something bobs up to the surface… not one, but two people! The man had saved the driver!
As they pull themselves ashore, everyone gathers around in amazement. “How the hell did you manage to survive so long underwater and dive so deep?”
“Well, I’m retired now, but I have a lot of experience,” replies the man, “I spent 35 long years as a sub-marine.”
What would Peter Parker do if he were to retire from crime fighting?
He could always go into web design.
Why couldn’t anyone understand the retired perfume maker?
Because he no longer made scents.
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
What did the retired power tool take for its allergies?
Benadryl.
Two retired businessmen sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I’m a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I’m a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, “How do you start a flood?”
What country do fish move to when they retire?
Finland.
Did you hear about the retired Sheriff who started a landscaping business?
He called it Lawn Order.
What do you call Postman Pat when he retires?
Pat.
Why do most firefighters retire early?
Burnout.
A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.
One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.
They did this the following day and the day after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Would you do me a favor? I would give you each a dollar if you promise to come around and do your thing.”
The boys were more than happy to accept this and continued to bang the bins.
After a few days, the man came out to meet them with a sad smile, and said, “This recession really is putting a dent in my income. From now on, I will pay you each 50 cents to continue.”
The boys were unimpressed by this but continued to do the same afternoon activities.
A few days later, the man approached them again and said, “Look, the recession has again reduced my income, so from now on, I am afraid I can only pay you 25 cents each.”
The leader then exclaims angrily, “That’s it? If you really think we are going to waste our time banging the bins for 25 cents each, you must be a fool. No way that’s going to happen. We quit.”
The man then enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Which country did Usain Bolt move to after his retirement?
Iran.
Do you know what’s not funny anymore?
Retired Clowns.
Why did the retired doctor get easily upset?
Because he has no patients.
Why did the archivist retire?
He had back issues.
A hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.
He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down for generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them 3 days to clean up the retirement home. He wasn’t invited back.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
“Long time no sea!”
What do you call a retired German soldier?
A veterinarian.
What sound does a seal make when he reaches retirement?
“AARP AARP!”
What did the potato do after retiring from sports?
He became a common-tater.
A man goes to fill in his retirement documents. He comes home really happy.
His wife asks, “Hey, why such a smile on your face?”
The husband replied, “Can you imagine? They refused to believe that I am old enough to get a pension. In the end, I opened my shirt and showed them the white hair on my chest, only then did they believe me.”
The wife said, “Silly, had you taken off your pants, they would have signed you up for a disability benefit as well.”
Why is retirement like an exhaust pipe?
Because it’s a career end.
What do you call a boxer that retires and plays video games?
Xboxer.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Farewell.
(Farewell who?)
Farewell to alarm clocks and hello to endless mornings of blissful sleep!
What do you do if an old car gets a flat?
Retire.
What song does the retirement home play on Single’s night?
“All the Single Eighties!”
The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.
He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.
Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave him an envelope with a card and/or a gift.
When he walked onto the porch of one house, the door opened and a young woman in a sheer nightgown invited him in. She took his hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom where she undressed him and they had wild sex. Afterwards, she led him back downstairs to the dining room where there was a sumptuous lunch laid out.
As he was leaving, she handed him a five-dollar bill. “Why are you doing this for me?” he asked.
“I’ve never even seen you look out the window when I was delivering your mail.”
“When I got your note, I wasn’t sure what I should do”, she replied.
“My husband is older than I and knows more about how things should be done so I asked him.
He said, ‘Fuck him, give him 5 bucks.’ The lunch was entirely my idea.”
Why does every retired basketball player open a brewery?
Because they’ve got hops.
Where did the smallest Tellytubby go to retire?
Poland.
What happened when the main police officer of Typewriter County retired?
They were sans sheriff.
Why did the turtle retire and move to the South Pole?
He couldn’t handle any more hare-racing adventures.
Where do Volkswagens go when they retire?
The Old Volks Home.
Why was the glass-blower forced to retire?
He sucked.
Why did the calculator retire?
Its days are numbered.
A co-worker found out his friend is ‘semi-retired.’
“What’s that like?” he asked.
“It’s like being semi-erect. It ain’t too hard, but you still can’t do what you want.”
What did the retiring dominatrix say to her replacement?
“I’ll show you the ropes.”
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Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Ben!
(Ben who?)
Ben retired for years, and I’ve never been happier!
Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors?
Because they’re all Veteran Aryans.
What kind of music do retired p*rnstars make?
Post-hardcore.
Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was going to retire?
Well, he changed his mind. He decided to stick it out for one more year.
Do you have a funny retirement joke? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!
After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means…
…and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.
If Sting retires, is he gonna change his name to Stung?