Insurance is that all-important safety net that promises to catch us when life’s unpredictable acrobatics go awry. It’s a complex world of policies and premiums, where terms like ‘deductibles’ and ‘coverage’ are tossed around like confetti in a parade of protection against the what-ifs. From health to auto, and home to life, insurance is the adult version of ‘crossing your fingers,’ a tangible hedge against the myriad of mishaps that life generously serves up. It’s often viewed with a mix of dread and gratitude, as no one enjoys paying the premiums but everyone appreciates a parachute when the time comes. The inherent complexities and the sometimes-baffling bureaucracy make insurance a prime candidate for some good-natured ribbing.
Insurance jokes, then, take these dry and dusty documents and turn them into a playground of puns and laughter. They play on the paradox of betting against ourselves, investing in a future we hope never unfolds. It’s the humor found in the irony of buying something you hope to never use and dealing with agents who are part cheerleaders, part doomsayers. These jokes provide a light-hearted commentary on the universal dance with uncertainty, poking fun at the discomfort and offering a wry smile in the face of life’s inevitable spills. After all, laughter might just be the best policy.
Best Insurance Joke
Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?
Nether. They’re immigrants in America.
How do you save a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching?
To reverse and leaving the scene
Grandkid: Why you don’t have life insurance?
Grandfather: Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone.
How do you know that your wife is amazing?
If she buys you a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic.
Why don’t Arab women need Insurance?
Because they are already covered.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the buffet they gotta take out an insurance claim.
What’s a Canadian?
An unarmed citizen with health insurance.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
HIPAA!
HIPAA who?
I can’t tell you that!
“Are you sure you want to convert to Islam?” a Christian dad asked his son.
“Yes,” he replied, “unless you can give me a good reason not to that isn’t the usual rhetoric.”
“How about the insurance premiums for your van,” the dad answered.
Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one jumped off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said
“We don’t accept your insurance.”
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What do you call an adjuster who’s caught up on their work?
Make believe.
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, “Coverage from the cradle to the grave.”
The Second one tries to improve on that with, “Coverage from the womb to the tomb.”
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, “From the sperm to the worm.”
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, “From the erection to the Resurrection.”
Did you hear about the church that had trouble getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage?
The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Doctor.
(Doctor who?)
Doctor who’s going to want to see your insurance details before they treat you!
Why is NATO is like health insurance?
You want to have it before sh*t happens, but they wouldn’t let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.
Mattress insurance is the best insurance.
And people are sleeping on that.
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financial crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
Why did Elon Musk go broke?
Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.
Have you checked your home insurance policy?
Apparently, if your blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, you’re not covered.
What’s the difference between a new puppy and an insurance agent?
After a few weeks that puppy will quit whining.
Goku gets into a car accident and has to be rushed to the E.R. He has a piece of shrapnel stuck in his arm and is in extreme pain. He gets to the front desk and yells at the nurse “Help! I’m in extreme pain! I have shrapnel in my arm!”
The nurse looks at him calmly and says, “Sure, but first you have to fill out this insurance information.” and she hands Goku a five-page packet.
Goku, disgruntled by the inconvenience, takes a seat and completes the paperwork. He returns to the desk and asks the lady if he can be treated now.
“Not yet,” she tells him, handing him a ten-page packet of personal information he must complete.
Goku is in a lot of pain and very annoyed by this, but he decides the quicker he completes the paperwork the sooner he can be treated, so he sits down and does it. Upon completion, he returns to the desk, ready to be treated.
“Not so fast,” says the nurse, handing him a twenty-page packet.
At this point Goku is infuriated.
“Listen here!” Goku shouts at the nurse. “I’ve been in this E.R. for almost three hours now! I have shrapnel in my arm that needs to be taken out! I’m not filling out another piece of damn paperwork!”
“You fool!” Laughs the nurse. “This isn’t even my final form!”
Have you seen the price of insurance these days?
Actually, it’s cheaper to just get robbed.
Yo mama so stupid, she sold her house for home insurance.
How do you find the extroverted actuary?
They’re the ones staring at someone else’s shoes.
An insurance agent was riding in a hot air balloon when he was pushed off course by the wind. He started getting low to the ground and saw a man walking along a beach. The agent said, “Excuse me, sir, do you know where I am?”
The man looked up at the agent and said, “Sure do. You’re about 15 feet in the air in a hot air balloon.”
The insurance agent annoyingly said to the man, “You must be a claims adjuster.”
The man replied, “I am! How did you know that?”
“Because,” said the agent, “Your answer, while correct, does nothing to solve my predicament and is wasting my time.”
The man replies, “Hmmm, you must be an insurance agent.”
The insurance agent says, “I am, how did you know?”
The man replies, “Because your predicament caused by you that has absolutely nothing to do with me, is suddenly my fault.”
Why can’t politicians get insurance?
Too much lie-ability.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Guy.
(Guy who?)
Geico, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more.
A broker, an underwriter, and an actuary go on a road trip.
The broker has his foot on the accelerator, the underwriter is slamming the brakes, and the actuary is looking out of the back window and telling them where to go.
Why did the actuary want to be buried in Jerusalem?
Higher rate of resurrection.
A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.
Because of the cost, most soldiers didn’t buy life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.
His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies sold, the captain got a call from the general. He was so impressed he decided he wanted to meet the young soldier and learn the secret of his sales success.
The general and the captain went to the personnel office and asked the soldier his secret.
“I don’t know, I just sell them the insurance,” he shrugged.
“Well, let’s see you in action,” the general said.
They called in a recruit and sat in as the young soldier went through his pitch.
“Now, there’s a great life insurance plan,” he began.
“Uh, I don’t think so,” the recruit said. “It costs a lot.”
“I know, but if you buy the insurance and get killed in battle, the army has to pay your survivors $200,000,” he said. “But, if you don’t have insurance, they pay your survivors $6,000.”
“Yeah? So?” the recruit said.
“So,” he said, nodding at the general. “Who do you think this idiot is going to send into battle first?”
Did you hear they’re remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?
It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it’s just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.
Yo mama so fat, she needs group insurance.
Want to save 15% or more on car insurance?
Just leave the scene of the accident.
An old man wants to get life insurance.
The employee working at the insurance company asks, “How old are you, sir?’
“I’m 102.”
“102?! And you wanna get life insurance at your age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow ain’t good. We’ll be celebrating my dad’s birthday.”
“Your dad’s birthday?! How old is he?”
“He’s 139.”
“Okay, come back next week then.”
“Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We’re gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather’s wedding.”
“Your grandfather’s wedding?! How old is he?”
“He’s 164.”
“And he wants to get married at his age?”
“Nah, he doesn’t, it’s just that his parents are forcing him…”
Why doesn’t the United States have universal healthcare?
Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Why should we raise insurance rates for drivers who have never crashed their cars?
They’re driving wrecklessly.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
“Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”
“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
Have you heard about Mexican car insurance?
It’s called get out and run.
Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because it can’t drive a car without making it all denty.
Did you hear about a Slovenian woman who has been accused of cutting off her own hand with a circular saw to make a £340k insurance claim?
Doesn’t look like the insurance will be stumping up any cash now.
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, “I used to run a successful business in the Midwest. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here.”
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, “Similar story here. I used to run a jewelry store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break-in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewelry and moved down here to settle.”
They look at the third guy. He says, “I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here.”
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, “How do you start a hurricane?”
How is Life insurance gambling?
You: I bet you $100 I will die this year.
Insurance: We’ll bet you $50,000 that you won’t.
How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You’re never covered as much as you think you are.
Insurance clerk: Where were you born, Sir?
Man: In the States.
Insurance clerk: OK, and which part?
Man: My entire body.
Why do insurance companies hate earthquakes?
Because everyone involved is at fault.
Three people arrive at the gates of heaven.
St Peter is processing them in. “Name and occupation, please?”
The first one says “Andrea Smith, I was a doctor.”
“Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?”
The second one says “Megan Jones, I was a nurse.”
“Of course. Nurses who care for the sick and wounded are allowed. Come in. Next?”
The third one says “Michael Davis. I was a hospital administrator and then a health insurance CEO and I supervised hundreds of doctors and nurses and in my hospitals, there were thousands of people getting well.”
St Peter pulls out a large book and starts referencing long tables and figures. Finally, he said, “Okay, we can approve you for a one-week stay.”
Why couldn’t the snake afford insurance?
It cost an arm and a leg.
What’s the best health insurance in America?
Go Fund Me.
A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.
The man said, “I don’t have health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, “I don’t.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a sister, who’s a spinster nun.”
The nun sternly replied, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
What are Batman’s insurance policies called?
Dark Knight Returns.
What if your insurance doesn’t cover your colonoscopy?
It should totally clean you out!
A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.
Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.
“Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very long. First, she’ll need years of physical therapy, costing $2,000 per month.”
The husband starts to get worried. “Then, she’ll likely need more surgeries in the future, but they won’t be covered by insurance and could amount to $100,000 to $150,000.”
The man starts to break into a cold sweat. “And in reality, she’ll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $30,000, you should manage.”
The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate. The doctor then pats him on the back and says, “Don’t worry dude, I was just kidding. She’s dead!”
Which insurance company offers full coverage to frat houses?
Brogessive.
What does the insurance man say when he puts his kids to bed?
“I’ve got you covered.”
A man is being released from a US hospital.
As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is m*sturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “What the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “You see, this man has a serious condition where if he does not m*sturbate profusely every 2 hours, a blood clot would form and he would surely die.”
“Oh, I guess I can understand that,” says the man.
So they keep walking, and in the next room, he finds a male patient receiving a blo*wjob from a nurse. So the man turns to the nurse escorting him and proclaims, “Ok, now you have some explaining to do.”
The nurse shrugs, and then replies, “Same problem, better insurance.”
Why was the painter told he was uninsurable?
Due to his history of multiple strokes.
Why doesn’t Santa have to provide health insurance for his workers?
They’re technically Elf employed.
A couple, both aged 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse”, and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!”
Why does a Tyrannosaurus need car insurance?
Because Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Do you know what they call cheese insurance?
Just in queso.
A man got a call from his health insurance company.
“Sir, I’m calling to tell you that your claim has been rejected.”
“But why?” Asked the man.
“I’ll be blunt. We do not reimburse people for sleeping with prostitutes.”
“But it was ordered by my doctor, I swear!”
“Sir, I have worked here many years and I have never seen a primary care physician prescribe sex with a h**ker.”
“But he did. He told me that I needed WhoreMoan therapy…”
Why don’t deer have good insurance?
They only have a buck or two.
What’s the difference between an insurance salesman on a motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Girl: I want us to be just friends.
Boy: Can we be friends with benefits?
Girl: So, you just want sex?
Boy: No, I want you to add me to your health insurance.
What kind of car insurance does a rat have?
Road Dent Insurance.
Why can’t chefs get quality health insurance?
Because of the whisk factor.
Why did the goose call his insurance agent?
He wanted to reduce his de-DUCK-tible.
A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance.
He reluctantly goes and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, “Just place your hand on the scanner here” and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand, followed shortly thereafter by a slip of paper that slides out of a slot. The doctor reads the paper and says, “Ah, nearly perfect health! You just have a bit of tennis elbow, nothing too serious!” The man laughs and says “That is ridiculous! You are a quack and your machine here is a fraud! I don’t even play tennis!” The doctor looks puzzled and replies “Well, it has never been wrong before, but… I tell you what. We can provide a more thorough analysis using morning urine. Return tomorrow with this sample container filled with the first urine of the day and we’ll re-check the diagnosis.” The man, annoyed by now, reluctantly agrees.
The next morning he is flat-out irritated with the process and decides to have a bit of fun. He lets the dog out and as the pooch lifts his leg the man catches a little of the dog’s urine. He then asks his daughter and his wife to help out and they help fill the container a bit as well. After some thought he drains a few drops of oil from the car, and tops it all off by m*sturbating and adding that to the mixture as well. He then heads to the doctor’s office, giggling all the way. Upon arrival, the doctor looks puzzled at the odd-colored sample but then places it into a tray that slides out from the computer wall. With the man still giggling in the background, the computer buzzes and beeps, seeming to take a bit longer this time. Finally, a paper slips out, and the doctor takes it and reads it, with a frown on his face. “Well, um… I am sorry to have to tell you, but… your dog has fleas, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has gonorrhea, your car needs an oil change and if you don’t stop jerking off so much your tennis elbow will never get better.”
What kind of insurance do candle companies get?
Waxident insurance.
What is the best car insurance a snake can get?
Fully cobrahensive.
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A man trying to act smart in front of an insurance agent asks him, “Do you provide penis insurance ?”
The Agent said, “Yes, sir, we do provide penis insurance!”
The man was surprised and asked, “You replace it with a new one when it stops working?”
The agent replied, “No, sir, Once it stops to work, we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your Life!”
Did you hear about a man’s fantasy who asked his girlfriend to dress up as a nurse?
To satisfy his fetish of having health insurance.
Why did the stripper need more insurance?
She had little to no coverage.
How are condoms and insurance the same?
You think you’re covered, but 9 months later, they come looking for money.
Do you have a funny joke about Insurance? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!
When Lightning McQueen gets in an accident does he claim it on his Auto Insurance or his Health Insurance?