Old ladies, the unsung warriors of the knitting realm and the champions of hard candies tucked deep within handbags. With their intricate crochet patterns and a penchant for doling out unsolicited advice, they’ve been around the block (literally and figuratively) more times than we can count.
Their world is one of early bird specials, intense bridge games, and sometimes confusing technological conundrums, like the perpetual battle with the smartphone that refuses to obey, or the enigmatic workings of the “cloud” (Is it a weather thing? A pillow? Nobody knows!).
But why, amidst the cyber age of memes and trending hashtags, do we find a steady stream of old lady jokes? Simply put, they’re a celebration of life’s ironies. These silver sirens, with their decades of wisdom, find themselves hilariously juxtaposed against an ever-evolving, tech-savvy world. It’s less about poking fun at them and more about the endearing collisions between age-old wisdom and modern quirks. Imagine a techno dance beat backed by the comforting clicks of knitting needles. That’s the vibe.
So, when we chuckle at an old lady pun, we’re not just laughing at the situation, but with it. For in the dance of time, whether you’re shuffling in orthopedic shoes or moonwalking in sneakers, humor keeps the beat going strong.
Best Old Lady Jokes
How do you make an old lady say the F word?
Have another one say “Bingo!”
What do call an old lady wearing camo?
Gramouflage.
Yo mama so old, her birthday candles weigh more than the cake.
Why did the old lady fall into the waterhole?
She couldn’t see that well.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Little old lady.
(Little old lady who?)
Ah, I didn’t know you could yodel.
The little old lady didn’t always live in a shoe. She once had a house, but when she couldn’t pay the mortgage,
The bank gave her the boot.
An old lady walks into her bank and asks the teller “Hey sonny, can you check my balance?”
So he pushed her over.
Why did the old lady cross the road?
To take a poop in the road.
A 55-year-old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple.
Everyone was curious and asked her, “Why the change in your interest in swimming nowadays?”
The lady, with a look of helplessness, replied, “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son, “If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first? And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!”
A few days later husband and wife were quarreling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked, “Now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?”
The Husband replied, “I don’t have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you.”
The Wife refused to relent, “No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us. Whom will you save?”
The husband finally replied, “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”
What did an old lady say after Frozone helped her across the street?
“Such an ice young man!”
Yo mama so old, her birth certificate expired.
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A deaf old lady in a nursing home did nothing but complain about her family members who never came to visit her.
One day during dinner, between bites of crab sticks, a nurse asked her if the reason her family didn’t visit was because they were selfish.
“What?” she replied.
“Are they selfish?” the nurse repeated.
“EH?!” she shouted.
Raising her voice, for the third time the nurse asked, “ARE THEY SELFISH?”
“NO,” bellowed the old lady, “THE’RE CRAB STICKS.”
The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner.
There were strings attached.
An old lady decides to check on her three sons-in-laws.
She wanted to see who respects/cares for her the most. She goes to the lake near the eldest son-in-law’s place and jumps. The son-in-law dives in and rescues her. The next day, he sees a toyota corolla parked in front of his house with a letter — Thanks from your Mother-in-law.
Then she goes to her second son-in-law’s place and jumps in a lake near his house. The second son-in-law also saves her. The next day he too gets a Toyota corolla as a gift with a letter — Thanks from your Mother-in-law
Now the old lady goes to her third son-in-law’s place and jumps in the lake. He does not save her and she drowns. The next day he sees a Ferrari parked in front of his house with a letter — Thanks from your Father-in-law.
Did you hear about an old lady who swallowed a horse?
Her condition is stable.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much. My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.”
The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”
The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”
The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”
What do you call an old white lady?
Gram cracker.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Why did the skeleton help the old lady cross the road?
It was no skin off his back.
A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.
At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, “Your Honor, my husband and I don’t have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger.”
The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”
“6,” the old lady responded.
“Then,” the judge said, “you will spend one day in jail for each peach, for a total of 6 days.”
“Your Honor,” spoke her husband, “she also stole a can of peas!”
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Three old ladies are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”
Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”
The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a beer.”
Yo mama so old, she walked out a museum and the alarm went off.
A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.
“What’s the secret to your longevity?” he asked.
“Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”
The reporter laughed. “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”
The old lady smiled and nodded. “You’re probably right.”
If you’re driving and an old lady and a child cross the road, what do you hit first?
Hopefully the brakes.
A shaggy-looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller.
“Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?” while handing over her debit card.
The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady, “Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10.”
The old lady then says, “Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account.”
The teller, now a little bit incredulous, takes the old lady’s debit card, checks her account, and sees that she has over $500k on deposit. She apologizes, informs the manager, and begins counting the money.
After a few minutes, the teller hands over the $10k in $100 bills to the old lady and asks, “Is there anything else I can help you with?”
The old lady replies, “Yes, I want to deposit $9,990.” And handed the $10k back to the teller.
A little old lady went to see a psychic and the psychic excitedly exclaimed, “Oh WOW! You’re a medium, too!”
The little old lady frowned and yelled back, “NO! I am clearly a petite!”
Yo mama so old, her chiropractor is a paleontologist.
One day, a little old lady answered a knock on the door.
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A reporter interviewed a 103-year-old woman: “And what is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
In a small town, there was a poor Christian old lady.
She was always asking God to bring her groceries. One day her not Christian neighbor went out and secretly bought the lady groceries.
As the lady saw the groceries she rejoiced and thanked the lord. The neighbor was fed up and told the old lady that God did not bring her groceries he did. She yelled, “Thank you Lord for bringing me groceries and making the devil pay for them.”
What did the old woman who lived in a shoe do after she won the lottery?
She moved to Beverly Heels.
An old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab.
As she hops in, the driver asks her where she’s going. She gives him an address, as she’s just arrived in town to visit family.
They keep going for a bit when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.
“So what is that thing for?” she asks the driver.
The driver sees this as a chance to prank the old woman for some laughs.
“That’s a sight that I had installed so I can aim my targets better,” he answers.
“What do you mean by targets?” she asks
“Well, you see that cyclist over there cycling along the road? Well, I hate those cyclists so I’m going to run over him!”
As the woman gasps, he proceeds to accelerate and drive directly toward the unaware cyclist, but at the last moment, he turns the wheel to dodge the cyclist. But there’s a loud sound that surprises the driver.
“What was that sound?” he asks.
“Well, you can say whatever you want about that fancy sight of yours, but if I hadn’t opened the car’s door, we wouldn’t have hit that goddamm cyclist!”
What do you call an old woman who use to model for Playboy?
A Dust Bunny.
An 80-year-old lady was marrying for the 4th time.
A newspaper asked if she wouldn’t mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.
She smiled and said, “My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher, and now in my 80’s, a funeral director.”
When asked why the 4 men had such diverse careers, she explained, “I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go.”
What did the scary old woman say when she found a gold cauldron?
“I’m gonna be witch.”
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An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened. After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was, and demanded, “What is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, and has four grown children and several grandchildren! And you told her she was pregnant?”
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
An old woman flew overseas for the first time.
She said that it was an uplifting experience.
An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.
“It’s obscene!” she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, “Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.”
Now she’s really mad. “Is that so! IS THAT SO?! Get on that table and take a look!”
How did the old woman gain hulk power?
Gramma Radiation.
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.
As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.
The genie says, “I have seen your plights and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman astounded, thinks for a moment and says, “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”
BAM! In a sudden flash, the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says, “Genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”
BAM! With a snap of the genie’s fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once-broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress and shining heels.
While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said, “You have one wish left.”
The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building’s transformation.
The woman looked up at the genie and said, “This cat has been faithful to me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash, the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man.
Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered, “Too bad you had me neutered.”
What does old ladies’ underwear smell like?
Depends.
An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.
The Dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.”
“I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
What’s it called when a 52 year old woman puts a stop to her online transactions?
Venmopause.
A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them. Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
To which the old lady replies, “I don’t have any teeth, look” So the driver looking confused then asks, “So why do you buy them then?”
The old lady gives a nice smile and responds, “I just enjoy the chocolate coating around them.”
Yo mama so old, she preordered the Bible.
An 80-year-old woman comes home from the doctor and her husband asks her how the exam went.
The woman says, “The doctor said I have acute angina.” To which the husband replies, “I know you do but what does that have to do with a heart exam?”
Yo mama so old, her vagina has a second entrance for black guys.
Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first spinster says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.”
With a bang, she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna.”
She also disappears immediately.
The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St Peter looks perplexed, “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster.
St Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.’”
What does a 50-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 20-year-old woman doesn’t?
A belly button.
A grumpy old lady goes up to her husband and starts throwing a tantrum.
She says, “I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is wrinkled skin, saggy boobs, and a sad body. Please give me some kind of compliment to make me feel good!”
The husband replies, “Sounds like you still have perfect vision!”
What does going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?
You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get the meaty bit.
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit!”
What do a werewolf and a 50-year-old woman have in common?
Nipple hair.
An old woman goes into a sex shop, shaking.
“Sir,” she says in a shaky voice, “do you sell vibrators?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And are they this big around and this long?” she asks in a shaky voice.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And they’re $22.95?” she asks in a shaky voice.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“How do you turn them off?”
How do you make an old woman breath fire?
Ignite her oxygen tank.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn, it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer. “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘Why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., mate! Give me £20, or off it comes.”
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.
What’s the best part about marrying a 90-year-old Jewish woman?
She has some experience with the oven.
An old lady takes her husband to the doctor. The doctor asks, “What’s wrong?”
“What did he say?” says the old man. “He asked what’s wrong,” says the old lady.
She tells the doctor about the old man’s problems, he keeps asking what was said, and she repeats it all to him in a loud voice. In the end, the doctor tells her he will need a Urine Sample and a Fecal sample. The old man asks, “What did he say?”
The old lady tells him, “He wants to see your underpants!”
What do you call a woman that’s old, fat, and ugly?
Your mom.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.”
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams “Oh my God,” says the old lady, “now what is happening?”
“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.”
“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m going to hell.”
“You can’t go there,” says St. Peter. “You’ll be raped and sodomized.”
“Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.
What’s blue and f*cks old ladies?
Hypothermia.
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and says that she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.
“Do you even own a bike?” he asks.
“I do. It’s parked right outside.”
“Do you swear?”
“More than a fucking sailor,” she says.
“Do you drink?”
“Like a fish.”
The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question, “Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The old lady thinks for a minute and then says, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the nipples before.”
Why couldn’t the old lady have sex?
Have you ever tried opening a grilled cheese?!
A little old lady is late for church.
And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying “And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up.” Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. “He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up,” the boy replied mischievously.
The old lady unsteadily gets to her feet, much to the priest’s horror. “At your age?” He exclaims, “You should be ashamed!” The old lady swiftly retorts, “Just because I don’t have any teeth left doesn’t mean I can’t suck on something from time to time!”
What is the similarity between tight rope walking and an old lady giving you head?
You don’t want to look down.
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher revealed himself to them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third old lady couldn’t reach far enough.
An elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
”How did it go?” the doctor asked.
”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
”Did it not work?”
”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
Two old ladies met at the park.
The first old lady asked, “Did you come on the bus?”
The second old lady replied, “Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack.”
Yo mama so old, the Bible makes her nostalgic.
A 60-year-old lady was standing next to the railing of a cruise ship. She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn’t blow away.
A gentleman approached the lady and said, “Ma’am, I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up.”
The lady replied, “Sir if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away.”
“I understand ma’am but you aren’t wearing any panties,” replied the gentleman.
The lady looked down then back up at the gentleman and said, “Sir, anything you see down that is 60 years old. I bought this hat yesterday.”
What do you call an old Russian lady with giant tits?
A baboobska.
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain.
One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, “Hey, that’s a good idea. What’s that called?”
The lady responded, “It’s a condom.”
The other lady said, “Where can I get one of those?”
She said, “Oh, just about any grocery or drug store.”
So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, “I need to get some condoms.”
The cashier looked at her puzzled, because of her age, and said, “Um, what size?”
The lady responded, “Hmm, one that would fit a Camel.”
What do yodeling cannibals eat?
Little old lady stew.
Do you have a cranky old lady joke? Write down your own old lady puns in the comment section below!
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I’m assuming she’s poor, she only had $1 in her purse.