60 Funny Train Jokes And Puns on the Right Track for Laughs

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Jessica Amlee

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Trains have been the arteries of commerce and adventure since the early 19th century, chugging their way through landscapes and across the annals of history. These powerful locomotives and the networks of track they traverse have shrunk vast continents, connected remote communities, and have been the backdrop for countless stories of intrigue, romance, and mystery. The romance of the rails, the rhythm of the tracks, and the allure of destinations unknown make trains much more than just a mode of transport—they’re a setting for life’s great journeys and a playground for the imagination.

Now, train jokes are a unique carriage of humor in the world of travel-related wit. They pull into the station of comedy with their own set of humorous scenarios—think of the dining car’s quirky menu, the conductor’s punchy ticket routine, or the sleeper car’s bunk bed gymnastics. There’s comedy gold in the idiosyncrasies of train travel, from the trackside animals giving chase to the bewildering announcements that leave passengers scratching their heads. These puns tap into the shared experiences of delays, station mishaps, and the joys of the railway commute, proving that while the journey might be long, there’s always room for laughter on the way.

Best Train Jokes

How does a train hear another train coming?
With its engineers.

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives.

Yo mama so fat, it takes 2 trains and a bus to get on her good side.

What do you call it when a dying cancer patient busts out some sick rhymes at a train station?
Terminally ill.

What do you get if you cross a train with a dog?
A choo-choohuahua.

A cat is walking across a train track.
The cat just makes it across the second rail as a train comes speeding past, cutting off the tip of the cat’s tail. The cat at once jumps up and around, and its head is run over.
The moral is, don’t lose your head over a little tail.

What kind of train eats too much?
A chew chew train.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Chooch who?)
Choo Choo! We are trains.

Boss: You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?
Driver: I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.

Yo mama so fat, gangs in her neighborhood need a high speed train just to do a drive by shooting.

Did you know that they built a temporary train station in NYC before they built Pen Station?
It was called Pencil Station. It was sketchy. It’s been completely erased from the map.

What do you call an electrician who drives trains part-time?
A semi-conductor.

What was the New Year’s Resolution for the broken down train?
To get his life back on track.

What does a sick train say?
“Achoo Achoo!”

Where do cats stand when they want to buy a train ticket?
In the FEE-line.

Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam.

A man steals a train and kills 5 people.
When the time comes for his last meal request, he asks for a single banana, nothing else. The prison guards oblige. The next morning, he’s strapped to the electric chair. Guards flip the switch, and nothing happens!
Since you only get one shot at the death penalty, the man is released. He goes right back out, steals another train, kills 6 more people, and gets sentenced to death AGAIN.
The night before his execution, the guards ask him for his last meal and he orders only a single banana. The oblige. The next morning, electric chair, NOTHING. They have no choice but to release him again.
Being clearly obsessed with trains, the man goes out, steals a train for the third time, and kills 4 more people. Death sentence.
The night before his execution, the guards approach him and say “NO! We’re not giving you a banana. You’re getting the standard steak and potato.”
The next morning, they strap the man to the electric chair and flip the switch. Nothing happens. Furious, the guards ask the man what the hell is going on.
The man says, “Well, I think I’m just a bad conductor!”

Did you hear about the Indian who’s gotten hit by a train 5 times?
Reincarnation is a bitch.

Why did the train go to the dentist?
It had problems choo-chewing.

Yo mama so fat, she stopped the train in GTA 5.

How can you tell if a train has gone by recently?
It leaves its tracks.

Why was the train going backwards?
Just doing a little reverse engineering.

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.
People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.
When they reached the next stop, the man went forward to the engine car and asked the conductor what had happened. The conductor replied, “We hit a lawyer.” The man couldn’t believe it. “You mean hitting a person cause that?!” The conductor looked at him and explained “Well he was in the ditch, but we got him anyways.”

What’s the most important part of becoming a train?
The training.

Which US state has state-of-the-art trains?

Yo mama so fat, it took me two buses and a train to get to her good side.

Why was the train operator so happy after getting hit by lightning?
He was a positive conductor.

What do you call a grateful train?
Thomas the Thank Engine.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son yell ‘All you sons of b*tches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop! All of you sons of b*tches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving.’ The mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.” Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don’t want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, ‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’
‘For those of you who are pissed off with the two-hour delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen.’

Does a train have teeth?
Then how can it choo choo?!

What do you call a winter train full of teeth?
The Molar Express.

Yo mama so fat, she stood in front of a railroad track and the train said you win.

Why was the policeman also a good train driver?
Because copper is a good conductor.

What did one ancient Egyptian train say to the other when they realized they had the same train whistle sound?
“Hey, we have a toot-in-common.”

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment.
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman’s poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat..”
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. “Please, Ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.” She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!” This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!” An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
“Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

The toilet on the train was out of order, so this man had to sit there and hold it for half an hour.
A woman who was sat opposite, looked at him in disgust and asked, “Is that a f*cking poo in your hand?”

What kind of locomotive do ghosts use?
A fright train!

Yo mama so stupid, she went to the Subway sandwich place to catch a train.

If one train is leaving London at 145 km/h and another train leaves Paris at 210 km/h one hour later, when do they meet?
Never. Train drivers in France are always on strike.

Why did the pioneers use covered wagons to move out west?
They didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a train car on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thought, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thought, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thought, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thought, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.

What’s a train’s favorite number?
Two! Two!

How do trains drink?
They chug.

What’s the difference between a train and a blanket?
You’ll know when you lay under it.

There was an accident at this train station and 20 people were dead or badly wounded after a train hit them. Surprisingly all victims were blonde. However, there was one blonde who was intact.
A TV reporter asks the blonde, “It was a very unfortunate accident. What do you think was the cause?”
Blonde replies with excitement and anger, “It happened because of the wrong announcement at the station when the train arrived!”
TV Reporter is surprised, “Wrong announcement?”
Blonde says, “Yeah! The announcer said the train was coming on the platform no. 2. All these people waiting for the train on platform number 2 rushed off the platform and came on the tracks.”
TV Reporter is speechless, “Ummm… well… fortunately you stayed at the platform and now you are safe.”
Blonde replies, “What, fortunately? I came here to commit suicide!”

What do you call it when a train full of hookers goes missing?
Losing a train of thot.

What form of transportation spreads allergies?
Achoo-choo train.

How do you greet a Korean woman getting off of a train?
“Hey, Seoul Sister.”

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice. He asked the coach attendant if some ice could be arranged.
The attendant explained train didn’t have a kitchen since the food that was served was prepared elsewhere and loaded onto the train before departure.
The guy was adamant that he needed ice, he needed it now and price wasn’t an issue. He shoved a few big bills of cash into the hands of the coach attendant. The large sum he was holding in his hand really motivated the attendant and he said, “Let me see what I can do”.
20 minutes later, he comes back with a small plastic tub full of ice. The guy congratulated him for his resourcefulness, got his bottle of whiskey and started making his drink in the plastic cup also provided by the attendant.
Two hours later, the guy came back to the attendant, slightly drunk and asked him to get some more ice.
The attendant says, “I’m sorry I can’t do that”.
The guy presses on, “But why not? You got it a couple of hours ago.”
The attendant confesses, “The thing is, the dead body was taken off the train at the last station.”

Why don’t big trains have little trains?
They pull out on time.

What did the pissed-off train driver do?
He went off the rails.

Why didn’t the barber catch the train?
Because he was one hair late.

A blind and elderly German man is on a train.
When the train approaches the station of his destination, he gets up from his seat, tries to make for the door, but almost walks into a pole.
Another passenger yells,” Careful, there’s a pole in front of you!”
The old man breathes in, stands tall with all the vitality of his youth, and swings with all his might at the pole.
“Untermensch!” He yells. “When did those twats become so hard?”

What did one train car say to the other train car?
“Do you want to hook up later?”

What sound does the train to Auschwitz make?
Jew jew!

Why was the H*locaust so effective?
Jews could not resist free train rides, free showers, and free summer camp.

A boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track.
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. The driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy, “Do you realize that if I had not seen you, this would have been your last f…!!!
The boy says, “Listen, dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realized only you have Brakes.”

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Why isn’t James Bond popular in India?
Because they already ride atop trains, it isn’t impressive when he does it.

What’s the difference between model trains and t*tties?
Nothing, both are intended for children but it’s the dads who are playing with them.

What’s the sexiest train route in France?

What do you call a train full of Jews?
Doesn’t matter they’re not coming back.

Do you have a funny train joke? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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