Vegans: the modern-day superheroes who rescue animals, one plate at a time. They’ve taken a stand against animal products, opting for tofu over turkey, and almond milk over the moo juice. Their commitment is unparalleled; while some of us can’t resist a cheesy pizza, vegans are busy creating masterpieces with cashew cheese and gluten-free crusts. It’s a lifestyle that involves reading food labels like mystery novels and hunting for hidden animal products like they’re Easter eggs.
But, why does this noble pursuit become the butt of so many jokes? For starters, any deviation from the ‘norm’ often invites giggles. There’s also that stereotypical vegan who enters a room and announces their veganism before their name – talk about making an entrance! It’s almost as if there’s a punchline waiting to happen when someone passionately explains the horrors of gelatin in gummy bears at a party. After all, at the end of the day, what’s a salad without a sprinkle of laughter?!
Best Vegan Jokes
Vegan: People who sell meat are gross!
Non Vegetarian: People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
Why is Veganism like Communism?
They are both fine, unless you like food.
What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Lettuce.
(Lettuce who?)
Lettuce eat veggies, I’m vegan!
What’s the toughest part of being a vegan?
Apparently keeping it to yourself.
Why do vegans lose their eyesight earlier than meat-eaters?
From reading all those tiny ingredient labels.
Yo mama so vegan and fat, she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?
One if nobody’s looking.
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef.
What’s the hardest part about being a vegan?
It is getting up at 4.30am to milk the almonds.
What’s the most common religious belief among vegans?
Laveyan Seitanism.
Did you hear about that vegan who was condemning some random guy for drinking milk?
How dairy!
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar.
How did the others know?
Because they won’t shut the f*ck up about it.
What’s the only thing a vegan kills?
A conversation.
Why is almond milk called “almond milk”?
Because nobody could call it “nut juice” and keep a straight face.
Did you hear about the man whose girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan?
It’s like he has never seen herbivore.
Why do vegans often look miserable in photos?
They don’t like to say ‘cheese’.
Two cannibals sat by a fire.
The first one says, “I’m going to become a vegan.”
The other one says, “Me too!”
The first one says, “You do realize we have totally f*cked up this joke now it won’t be funny.”
The other one says, “Yeah well that’s vegans for you!”
Recommended: Cannibal Jokes
Why did the cannibal only eat people in comas?
He was going Vegan.
How do you know aliens are not vegan?
Because they haven’t contacted us to say it.
What is the most effective way to quit being vegan?
Cold turkey.
Did you hear that vegans will be the first to invent intergalactic travel?
Imagine living in the Milky Way.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought it was vegan to eat someone in a vegetative state
Why do people make such a big deal about vegans?
Don’t get it, never had a beef with one.
A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan.
He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.
“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”
Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
He’s called Broco Lee.
What does an introverted vegan want for dinner?
Peas and quiet.
Why are vegan pick-up lines of higher quality than non-vegan pick-up lines?
Because they can’t be cheesy!
What’s the first rule of the Vegan club?
You tell everyone about the Vegan club.
How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.
How many vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger?
One if nobody’s looking.
What do gun owners and vegans have in common?
They’re both in your face about how they’re not murderers.
Yo mama so toxic, she convinced Dracula to go vegan.
A non-vegetarian was asked If he were to be stranded on an island with anyone whom would he prefer.
“A vegan,” he said. “Mostly because it’s healthier to eat grass-fed meat.”
A policeman arrives at the crime scene.
“Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?”
“Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn’t see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.”
“How do you know that?”
“He told me as he was running off.”
What’s a vegan’s favorite animal?
A high horse.
Two cows walk into a vegan bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone he was a vegan.
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
“Nice to meat — ew!”
What do you call a vegan burger?
A misteak.
What do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAAAINS…
Why don’t vegans take risks?
Because their life could be at steak.
What do you call a vegan-friendly jacket?
A Peta Parka.
An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
“You just made it!” she says. “Do you have your boarding pass?”
“Oh, this isn’t my flight,” the man says. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m vegan.”
What do you call a vegan lion?
Dead.
What do rappers and vegans have in common?
Fake beef.
What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
A Salad Shooter.
How do you kill a vegan vampire?
Drive a steak through it’s heart.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam.
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
What did the Vegan DJ say to the crowd?
“Lettuce turnip the beet!”
What do you call a vegan meatball?
Vegetaball.
What do you call an on and off vegan?
Vegemight.
A man went to his doctor.
After several tests, the doctor returned to the exam room and told him “I’m terribly sorry sir but according to our tests you have barely a year left to live.”
“That’s horrible!” said the man. “Is there nothing I can do?!”
The doctor replied, “Well, my advice is to become a vegan, marry an economist, and move to Iowa.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man
“No,” said the doctor “but it’ll make that year feel a LOT longer!”
What do you call a vegan dinosaur?
Falafel Raptor.
Why are there no vegan DC heroes?
Because they are afraid of rotten tomatoes.
Why do vegans insist on telling you they are vegan?
They can’t bite their tongues.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it’s super natural.
Did you know that vegans don’t live longer?
It just feels like they do.
What do Christian vegans hunt?
Lettuce prey.
Two vegans bump into each other at a BBQ.
“We must stop meating like this.”
What was Aladdin called after he went Vegan?
Saladdin.
What do you call an Australian guy who is a vegan?
Vegemate.
A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal.
He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.
It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What do vegans get instead of bird flu?
Toflu.
What’s the worse job you can get as a vegan in England?
Beefeater.
What do you call a vegan chicken strip?
A chicken pretender.
Why do vegans avoid tense situations?
They’re afraid they’ll be walking on eggshells.
What’s the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?
Skinning the vegan.
Did you hear about the serial killer who kidnapped a couple of vegans in his basement?
At least he thinks they’re vegan. They keep shouting, “lettuce leaf!”
Did you hear about the vegan transgender?
He was a herbefore.
What do you call a vegan man who likes to pleasure himself?
Non dairy creamer.
What does a vegan molester eat?
Gropefruit.
Have you heard that saying ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’?
Unless he’s a vegan. Then you can get there through his v*gina.
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
What do you call a vegan who’s into BDSM?
Biodegradable.
What do vegans call jerking off?
Beating their wheat.
What if two vegans get pissed at each other, is it still called beef?
No, because it’s beyond meat.
Why is veganism like being a registered sex offender?
You have to inform everyone when you first meet them.
What do a vegan and a sexual deviant have in common?
They both get excited when they see a chickpea.
What’s the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?
A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves “ooh mommy”.
What do you call a vegan prostitute?
A herbiwhore.
What’s the hardest part of eating vegetables?
The wheelchair.
Recommended: Wheelchair Jokes
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker.
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.
Why don’t vegans moan during sex?
They don’t want anyone to know they are satisfied with a piece of meat.
Did you hear that the cl*toris has over 8000 nerve endings?
But it’s still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media.
Where did the vegan go to get a job?
The tempehgency.
Did you hear about the post apocalyptic vegan warrior woman?
Her name was Tofuriosa.
What’s the difference between a bot and a vegan?
A bot tells you a lot of other shit before telling you it is a bot.
What is the most ironic name for a vegan?
Hunter.
Do you have a funny Vegan joke? Write down your own vegan puns in the comment section below!
Jessica, I have a podcast, Vegan podcast, and I would like permission to use your Vegan jokes as an icebreaker. Let me know if that works for you. Of course, your website and name would be in my show notes. You can find
Healthy Vegan Living Podcast
on all the platforms, and I am also on Apple.
Sincerely
Gary Boutin