60 Funny World War II Jokes That Are Old But Gold

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Jessica Amlee

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World War II, a major historical event filled with stories of courage, sacrifice, and survival, also lends itself to a particular brand of humor. Our collection of WWII jokes reflects this unique sense of humor, offering a light-hearted perspective on a significant period in our global history.

These jokes on WW2 offer a chuckle while reminding us of the resilience and spirit that marked this era. They delve into playful puns about generals, soldiers, and various countries involved in the war. So, take a humorous trip back in time with these WWII jokes, and find amusement in the unexpected corners of history.

Best WW2 Jokes

Did you hear about Little Jimmy’s grandpa destroying 12 German planes during WW2?
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe.

What did the French WW2 rifle for sale listing say?
“Never been fired, only dropped once.”

What two planes did the Germans fear most in WW2?
Thunderbolt and Lightning. Very, very frightening.

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2?
They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Die Wehrmacht!

Why did Germany lose WW2?
Three Reichs and you’re out.

Yo mama so stupid, she thought Old Navy, was a gathering for World War 2 veterans.

Why did it take so long for Americans to beat Germany in WW2?
They weren’t Russian.

What do you call a crocodile who fought against Germany in World War II?
An Ally-gator.

Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren’t bold.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
[Slap the person in the face]

Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier.
“How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?”
“Half a million within two days.”
“And if we invade with a million troops?”
“We shoot twice and go home.”

A soldier in WW2 was shot in the chest and the bullet was stopped by a stack of quarters in his pocket.
He said that it was his life savings.

What Christmas Carol was sung outside of German psychiatric hospitals during the second World War?
“God Rest You Jerry Mental Men!”

Apparently, the tanks used by the French army during WW2 had 12 gears.
All reverse.

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. “Are we living in a police state”, they shouted, “where we cannot call the PM a fool?”
Churchill’s reply was truly disarming, “The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool,” he said, “but for letting out a state secret at a time of war.”

What do you call a blind German man in WW2?
A not see.

Why did America drop crates of combs for Germany during WW2?
To get rid of the knotsies.

Why didn’t the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941?
They were using Stalin-tactics.

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting England after World War II.
British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.
“A few hundred thousand,” answered Ehrnrooth.
“Where in Finland are they stationed?” The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered, “Two meters underground around the border.”

What do you call a German involved in WW2 who went undercover after the war?
A veteranaryan.

What do you call a German candy maker in WW2?
A confectionaryan.

A WW2 pilot visited a girls’ school.
He was talking to the pupils about his time in the battle, and he said, “I was flying in formation when three f*ckers came up behind me”.
The teacher quickly interjects, “Young ladies, you must understand the ‘Fokker’ is a type of German aeroplane.”
The pilot replies, “Yes, but these f*ckers were flying Messerschmidts.”

What were German children called during WW2?
German infantry.

Why did the monarchies disapprove of the idea of Central Banks after WW2?
Because Central Banks played a big role in the ban-king system.

There was a high school assignment 
to ask a veteran about World War II. Since the kid’s father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
he chose him. After a few basic questions, the kid very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
His dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

Recommended: Military Jokes

How did Germany raise its GDP percentage during WW2?
Reduce the capita.

How did the man know that his grandfather was an electrician during the second world war?
In the picture of him wearing his uniform, his army cap has two bolts of lightning on it.

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one was an Italian soldier.
The men were to be held for questioning. On the first day, the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit him in a chair and tie his arm behind him so he can’t move. They pressed and pressed but after hours of interrogation, he finally cracks and gives away some key troop positioning. The intel is confirmed good and he is thrown back in the cell only a little worse for ware.
The next day they decide to take in the second German officer. In the same manner as the first they sit him down, tie him up and begin the interrogation. They spend hours trying to get him to crack but with some physical convincing, he gives up the cipher key he knows. The guards then toss him back into the cell, a little beaten but nothing too bad.
On the third day, the guards take away the Italian. They take the entire day trying to get him to crack but no amount of convincing or torture will even get a word from his lips. At the end of the day with nothing to show they toss the nearly beaten-to-death Italian back in the cell. The guard says “You WILL talk tomorrow.”
Thoroughly impressed by the Italian’s devotion to the cause the Germans ask how he kept his secrets. The Italian says, “How do they expect me to talk with my hands tied behind my back?”

How CoD WW2 is so realistic?
Even the servers are from 1941.

If you have unknown troops in front of you in WW2 and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.
If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they’re German.
If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.
If they surrender, they’re Italian.
If there is a mass wave of infantry and tanks, they’re Russian.
If there is a bayonet and sword charge, they’re Japanese.
If everything is quiet for a minute or two, and suddenly you are in the middle of a massive artillery barrage and air strikes, they are American.

How did the Scandinavian countries communicate during WW2?
Norse code.

What’s the best part of WW2 and a math problem?
The Final Solution

During WW2, in Germany, a Jewish man was walking down the street. As ordered by the Nazis, he was forced to wear a star on his lapel, to signify that he was a Jew.
Meanwhile, Hitler had recently bought a new Mercedes and was cruising around in his sleek new car. As he went down the street he decided to put his new car through its paces and pushed the pedal to the floor. He was going faster than any other car on the road, and his protection detail had given up trying to follow him. All of a sudden, his car hit a puddle, and Hitler lost control. As he careened off the road, he narrowly missed hitting the Jewish man and instead ran into a building.
The Jewish man, seeing the car crash ran to the scene, and quickly freed Hitler, who had been trapped under his car. The instant he saw who it was, he gasped and took a step back.
Hitler, seeing the man who rescued him quickly went over and said “Thank you so much for saving my life! I don’t care if you are a Jew, you have rescued me and can have anything that you want, just name it!”
The man thought for a little while, and after a long pause said “Please, don’t tell anyone…”

Recommended: Hitler Jokes

Did you know that there were only 25 letters in the alphabet during World War 2?
There were not Z’s.

Did you know that hand sanitizer is much more effective than the Allies in WW2?
A hand sanitizer kills 99.9% of the germs in only 15 seconds.

Did you hear about Little Timmy’s grandfather who lost his tongue during WW2?
He never talks about it.

A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out, and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, “Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?”
The captain turned around, bowed deeply, and replied, “You make one velly impoltant mistake!”

What’s long and hard and full of seamen?
The Pacific theatre of WW2.

In a Military history class, students were discussing the planes used in WW2.
Professor: So what planes did we have during that time?
Student 1: Well we had the Cobra and Mustang
Professor: Ok and what did the Japanese have?
Student 2: Japanese had zeros
Professor: And what was the main difference between us and them?
Quiet kid: We didn’t crash as much.

WW1: Because someone shot an Austrian
WW2: Because someone didn’t shoot an Austrian

What was the difference between conscription in World War One and conscription in World War Two?
The year.

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn’t be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
“Do you want to belong to the Soviets or Germany?” they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered, “I’d like to belong to Germany.”
“Why is that?”
“Oh, I’ve heard the Russian winters are very cold.”

Recommended: Polish Jokes

What does an American WW2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea?
Sherman tanks!

What was the main cause of Jewish migration in WW2?
The wind.

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite servicemen over to their house for an evening to forget about the war and to enjoy a home-cooked meal.
A woman calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they cannot be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hung up.
On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The woman is in shock and asks the men, “Is this a mistake? Surely this has to be a mistake!”
One of the men replies, “No ma’am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake.”

Why did Germany lose WW2?
They caught Hitler with his panzers down.

Two Germans are visiting Paris in the early 50s. They want to order drinks, but they don’t want to be thought of as Germans, since it’s post-WW2. So they practice their English accent for their order. Once it’s ready, they go to the bar.
“Hello barman, may we have two martinis ?” asked one of the Germans.
“Dry?” asked the barman.

What do you call a story about a WW2 shipyard?
A riveting tale.

Where was the most money spent in World War 2?
Hitler’s gas bill.

When Norway was occupied by the Germans during WW2, there lived a man there who had a parrot, but all it could say was “Down with Hitler!”
Over and over again. It was impossible to stop it.
One day, the man heard through the grapevine that the Germans were coming to arrest him for owning such a rebellious bird.
So he swapped parrots with the local pastor, who had a much more docile avian.
When the Gestapo arrived, they started watching the parrot in order to get the treasonous tendencies confirmed.
The pastoral bird, however, just sat there, seemingly in quiet contemplation.
So the Germans decided they ought to give it a prompt.
One of them went up to the parrot and said: “Down.”
The bird said nothing. The German tried: “Down with.”The bird said nothing.
“Come on, bird, you know this: Down with.”
Still nothing.
The Germans looked at each other. They couldn’t arrest this man without knowing if the allegations were true. Or, they could, but it’d be rather bad manners. They needed to be sure. So they decided to say the whole line and see if the parrot repeated it.
One of them, a bit nervous, stated: “Down with Hitler.”
The parrot immediately perked up, and sang out: “Lord, hear our prayer!”

What would ‘Jurassic Park’ be called if it was filmed during WW2?
Jewrassic Park.

Why did the time traveler invent Starbucks?
To hire failed artists so they dont start another world war again.

An Italian went to church to admit his sins.
When the father opened the confessional’s window, the man stated talking, “Father, I have done sin. During ww2 in my neighborhood lived a very beautiful Jewish girl, who asked if I could hide her from the Germans.
The Father answered, “Well, that’s bravery and not sin.
The man continued, “But it wasn’t just that. I started to collect ‘rent’ in the form of sex. First once a week, but ended up every day and twice on Sundays.
The Father said, “That time many people surely did the same. Thus your sins are forgiven and you are free to go home.”
The man still continued, “Father, I still have one question. Should I tell the woman, that the war is over?”

How is Polio a lot like Japan in World War 2?
2 drops and you’ll be able to get rid of it.

What do you call a German barber during WW2?
Herr styler.

During WW2 a German soldier based in France is proceeding home on leave in a fully loaded passenger train.
He shares a compartment with a decrepit lady, a beautiful young French woman, and a young Frenchman. The train enters a tunnel, and no one can see anything.
A kiss is heard, then a hollow slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the German has a horrible black eye.
“So unlucky,” thinks the German soldier. “The Frenchman gets the kiss and I get the blame!”
“Well done, my girl!” thinks the old lady. “You stood up to that brute!”
The beautiful woman is puzzled, “Why would that German kiss that old lady?”
The Frenchman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I kiss the back of my hand, then smack that bloody German again!”

What do you call a WW2 German Comedy troupe?
The Laffwaffe.

What was the fastest mean of transport during World War II?
A jew on a bike through Germany.

During World War 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation.
So one London hospital started trying to use animal parts instead.
A man who had lost his eye, arm, and his manhood in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment.
Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle. Instead of his lost arm, they gave him an arm from a gorilla and instead of his lost manhood, they gave him an elephant trunk.
A month after surgery, he had a checkup to see if there was any rejection or whatnot. And since this was a medical science breakthrough, there were a lot of interested doctors that had come to see what had happened.
The surgeon who performed the transplant asked the man how his eye had worked.
The man says, “Oh, it’s great! My vision has improved a lot. I can spot people miles away, and I find anything I’m looking for without any problems.”
“How has the gorilla arm worked for you?”
“It’s great! It really helps me at work lifting heavy things, and I am more popular; When the guys want to arm wrestle, I win every time, and it also seems to attract the ladies as well!”
“Alright, how has the elephant trunk worked out for you then?”
“Well, I don’t want to complain or anything, but it keeps trying to stuff grass into my arse…”

What does World War II and Pedophilia have in common?
Both of them end up with a little boy and a fat man.

What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer in World War 2?

What was the biggest dick measuring contest in World War II?
Battle of the Bulge.

Got a historical sense of humor? We’d love to read your own WWII jokes in the comments below. Let’s continue exploring the lighter side of history together!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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