80 Funny Military Jokes You Cannot Share With A Veteran

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Jessica Amlee

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In the rigorous world of military service, humor often emerges as an essential coping mechanism, helping to lighten the mood during intense situations and to foster camaraderie among the ranks. This blog is dedicated to celebrating that resilience and the lighter side of military life through a collection of military jokes and humorous anecdotes.

Be it Veteran’s Day, Armed Forces Day, 4th of July, and or any other observances, these jokes work too well. From the hilarity of boot camp blunders to the absurdity of mess hall mishaps, we’ve got jokes that encompass all branches and ranks. These jokes not only aim to bring a smile to your face but also to honor the brave men and women who serve in our armed forces. So, whether you’re a veteran, an active service member, or a civilian who appreciates good humor, we hope these jokes will bring a chuckle to your day.

Best Military Jokes

Can someone please tell that what the lowest rank in the military is?
Every time one asks, someone they say, “It’s private.”

Why doesn’t America parade its new military hardware and tanks down the main street like other countries?
Because they prefer to parade it down the main street in other countries.

Why would the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.

Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?
To minimize casual tees.

Yo mama will go down in history in the military as General E. obese.

Why did the sergeant assault his recruits with pepper spray and mustard gas?
He wanted them to become seasoned veterans.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Tank who?)
You’re welcome!

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?
So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?
The infantry.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?
A flat major.

Did you hear about the German military’s new Cyber Force?
It’s called the Softwehr.

Did you hear that the military is considering bringing in emotional support dogs for people deployed on extended submarine tours?
They think installing subwoofers will be good for morale.

Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn’t open?
Sergeant: Bring it back and we’ll give you a new one.

Why are military tests the easiest to pass?
They rely on your ‘general’ knowledge.

What is the military’s favorite month?

Yo mama so fat, the US military wanted to give her freedom.

What do you call a remedial military unit?
Special Forces.

Recommended: Dirty Military Jokes

What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use?

Why the drill sergeant got physically violent with his subordinates, but only behind closed doors?
You shouldn’t touch your privates in public.

The CIA, the FBI, and the Army decide to make a little bet. They will release a white rabbit into the wood and see who can get it.
First up is the CIA. They go into the woods and come out two days later and say, “The white rabbit has been neutralized. Trust us.”
Next up is the FBI. They go in and after a two-week standoff, they burn half the woods down and say, “That probably got him.”
Finally, it’s the army’s turn. They go in and don’t come back out for 8 years and when they do they are holding a cage and say, “We got it! We got the raccoon!”

What do you call an intelligent military machine?
A Think Tank.

Why does the military search DELL PCs?
There’s Intel inside.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Camouflage who?)
Can’t see me, can you? That’s good camouflage!

What if chickens took over a country’s armed forces?
It will be a chicken coup.

Sergeant: I didn’t see you at camouflage training.
Private: Thank you, sir!

Why are they called the armed forces?
Because it’s hard to fight a war with just your legs.

What’s a pirate’s favorite school subject?
What’s a pirate’s favorite body part?
The arrrrrm.
What’s a pirate’s favorite branch of the military?
No. The Navy you idiot.

Recommended: Army Jokes

What does a pacifist werewolf do in the military?

What do military cows wear?

Who is the healthiest person in the Armed Forces?
General Well-being.

What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military?
An arms dealer.

Two pals were strolling through a military graveyard to pay their respect to fallen heroes. They came across a peculiar gravestone that had an inscription saying, “Here lies John Avare, a miser till the very end.”
Pal 1: That’s a very weird inscription to put on someone’s grave, I wonder how he died?
Pal 2: My dad mentioned him once, apparently he wouldn’t give anything away, money, possessions, not even a live hand grenade.

Why are military officers’ orders vague?
Because they always talk in General terms.

Why did the chicken avoid the military draft?
To avoid being placed in the same unit as Colonel Sanders.

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?

Why should you never tell military secrets to a duck?
Ducks will always quack under interrogation.

Recommended: Best Marine Jokes

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper
He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military.
He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said “Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!”

What are the two best things about being in the US Military?
The 1st and the 15th.

What branch of the military do horses join?
The neigh-vy.

What do you call a mammal in the military?
G.I raffe.

Did you hear about the Latino boy whose father works happily on a military vessel?
He has a feliz navy dad.

What color are military submarines?
Deep navy.

What is the military’s favorite type of cured meat?

What do you call Thailand’s military?
Thai fighters.

A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
“You’ll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout ‘Bangity bang-bang’. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ‘Stabbity stab-stab’. Now get moving.”
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts “Bangity bang-bang!” the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts “Stabbity stab-stab!” and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock battlefield, shouting “Bangity bang-bang” and occasionally “Stabbity-stab-stab”, until eventually he realizes he’s the last man standing.
He’s feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, “Bangity-bang-bang!”
But the other soldier doesn’t go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts his grip on his stick, and hollers, “Bangity bang-bang!”
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, “Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!”
But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin, and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
“Tankity tank-tank.”

What do the US military and a fart have in common?
Air Force.

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?
Because electricity flows in the path of least resistance.

What do you call a Japanese military dictator with an open-carry license?
A show gun!

What does preparing for a military mission and taking a shower have in common?
You should be debriefed before beginning either one.

Why was a British military officer denied his lease application?
He was a lieutenant and the landlord was looking for the right tenant.

What part of the military is the most religious?
The warships.

What do you call corn in the military?

What does ‘Secure the Building’ mean to veterans?
If you’re a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase “secure the building.”
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means going from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.

Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the front lines.

How does a military fanatic season their food?
With a salt rifle and pepper spray.

What do you call an English military officer who skipped out on paying the rent?
A left tenant.

What do you call a larger military coup?
A military sedan.

Why do all soldiers in the military need to wear deodorant?
Because they all have some type of rank.

What do you call a garbage can that’s part of the military?
General Waste.

Where do botanists go when they first join the military?
They go to Root Camp.

A fox, a rabbit, and a bear are about to be drafted into the military.
The fox says, “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?” The bear and the rabbit agree. The fox, quickly thinking, suggests, “I’ll cut off my own tail. A fox without a tail is useless, right?” The rabbit follows and says, “Well, I may not have much of a tail, but I’ll cut my ears off, nobody would want a rabbit without ears!” The bear, scratching his head, mumbles, “Well, I don’t have much of either, so I’ll just take this rock and smash my teeth out.”
Three days later the day of recruitment comes. The fox is inspected first, the other two wait outside. A few moments later the fox triumphantly walks out of the booth and says, “They said a fox without a tail wasn’t fit, so I’m not getting drafted!” Excited, the rabbit goes next, and after a couple of minutes, he too appears and exclaims: “Whoo! The ears really did it! They have no military use for me!” Encouraged, the bear goes next. After a few moments, he also comes out. “So?” The rabbit and fox ask. “Did you get away too?” The bear replies: “Fey faid I waf too fat for duty.”

What do people in the military call their jokes?
G. I. Jokes.

Who do you get when you mix a crown, a pair of military vehicles, and a tasty noodle dish?
King Twotankramen.

What do you call a military shipment full of T Rexes?
Small arms.

Why do sergeants have such scrawny legs?
Because they focus too much on strengthening their privates.

Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?
Because they are strict no-fly zones.

How do military people show their appreciation?
They say, “Tank you!”

Why did the military general refuse to use social media?
It was his personal creed to never surrender or retweet.

Who’s the most relaxed military leader?
General Lee Chill.

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That’s no way to address an officer!
Now let’s try it again!
Officer: Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

Did you know North Korea’s military marches to the left?
They have no rights.

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they’re US AF.

What do you call a depot where the armed forces store their camouflage?
A wherehouse.

Do you know the above jokes are military grade?
Cheap and overused.

Do you know that homing pigeons were frequently used by the armed forces?
That’s where we get the phrase military coo.

A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job.
For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake IDs and made an appointment for the next day.
After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided to hit up some bars and have some fun with the local girls. Unfortunately, he spent a bit more money than he had planned and came up a bit short for the doctor the next day. When he tried to explain to the doctor that he’d pay the rest later, the doctor looked at him, scowled, and told him, “You no have enough. You gyp me? I gyp you” right before putting the Major under.
When the Major awoke, he looked at the bedside table and saw the ID of a girl named Lye Innit. Unsure whose ID it was, he looked in the mirror and saw that he now had boobs and looked like a woman. When he protested, the doctor first pointed to the before picture, then pointed to his new ID and said, “You Major Bed. Now you Lye Innit.”

Recommended: Navy Jokes

What do you call a boring soldier?
A drill sergeant.

Did you hear about the military officer who was caught stealing electrons?
His superiors immediately had him discharged.

What is the nickname of the military officers who are in charge of the military’s marching band?
The top brass.

What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?
The Colonel of Truth.

Do you have another funny Military joke? Post your own Military one-liners in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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