70 Funny Polish Jokes That Should Be Banned in Poland

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Jessica Amlee


Polish humor offers a delightful blend of wit and cultural insight, a window into the heart and soul of this vibrant European nation. Our blog dives deep into the wealth of Polish jokes, encompassing everything from traditional puns to amusing one-liners (slightly offensive) that have been passed down through generations.

These jokes provoke laughter and offer a taste of Poland’s history and unique worldview. Whether you’re of Polish descent, a lover of international humor, or simply someone searching for a good laugh, this collection of Polish jokes offers a joyful exploration of a culture where laughter is genuinely cherished. So, get ready to smile, chuckle, and even guffaw as you discover the humor tucked away in every corner of Polish life.

Best Polish Jokes

What do Polish women get that’s long and hard, after their wedding?
A new last name.

What do you call a Polish ape?

Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can’t spell toboggan.

When did the Polish man wake up?
At the Kraków dawn.

First Pole: Knock-Knock!
Second Pole: Come in!

What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.

Przychodzi facet do okulisty i mówi.
“Dzień dobry, poproszę okulary.”
“Do czego?”
“Do widzenia.”
“Do widzenia.”

Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?
The first telephone Pole.

What do you call a locksmith of Polish descent?

What do you call a Polish guy living on top of you?
A north pole.

Yo mama so Polish, she stirs her coffee with a sausage.

What’s the cleanest language in the world?

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Polish burglar.

Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.

How did the Germans invade Poland so easily?
They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

An American, a Russian, and a Pole are on a plane. The American takes out his wallet, pulls out a thick wad of cash, and throws it out the window. “We Americans are rich, we have so much money we can just throw it away.”
The Russian reaches into his bag, pulls out a mink coat, and throws it out the window. “In Russia, we have so many mink coats, we can just throw them away.”
The Pole picks up the Russian and throws him out the window. “In Poland, we have plenty of Russians!”

Have you heard about the curator of the Slavic History exhibit?
He’s forever Russian around, Czeching that everything gets Polished.

How do you stop the Polish army on horseback?
You turn off the carousel.

Did you know that all frogs descended from a small colony in Poland?
Even now they are all born a tad-polish.

A Polish kid comes home from school and says, “Mom! Mom! Today the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who knew the answer!”
The mother’s eyes light up and she asks, “What was the question?”
Kid goes, “Who farted?”

Don’t you know how to say orchard in Polish?
It’s sad.

Yo mama so Polish, her favorite animal is Polish Cow.

Where does the red Teletubby come from?

How many polish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
100, one to hold the bulb and ninety nine to spin the house.

A Polish man immigrated to the United States and married an American woman. They got along well despite his English being far from excellent. He hurried into a lawyer’s office one day and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer stated that obtaining a divorce would be contingent on the circumstances, and he asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Polish: Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.
Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Polish: It is made of concrete.
Lawyer: I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
Polish: No we have a carport, and do not need one.
Lawyer: I mean, What are your relations like?
Polish: All my relations are still in Poland.
Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Polish: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Polish: No, I always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Polish: No, she is white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Polish: She going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that? Have you got any proof?
Polish: Yes. She is going to poison me. She buys a bottle at the drugstore and put it on a shelf in the bathroom. I can read it, and it says: ‘Polish Remover.’

What’s Santa’s nationality?
North Polish.

Why are there so many janitors from Poland?
They know how to Polish better than anyone.

Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear.
hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read “BEAR
LEFT” so they went home.

How do you sink a Polish battleship?
Put it in water.

What happens to a Polish man after he takes a shower?
He turns into a pair of shoes.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters.
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
“Can you read this”’ the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?’” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”

How do you break a Polack’s finger?
Punch him in the nose.

What do you call a pale Polish man?
A lightpole.

Why does the polish navy have glass bottoms on their ships?
To see the old Polish navy.

A Polish man is in the bread line.
A guy pops his head out and says, “Sorry, but we are out of bread.” The Pole in line begins shouting, “I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!”
Suddenly, a big fellow in a trench coat puts his arm around the man and says, “Comrade, comrade, please, do not go on so. Remember in the old days, what would happen to someone who said such things?” And he puts his finger to his head like it’s a gun.
The old Pole goes back home, and when he opens the door, his wife says, “What’s the matter? Are they out of bread?”
“Worse,” says the man. “They’re out of bullets.”

Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?
Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

What do you call a short Polish person?
A Tadpole.

What is a Polish triathlon?
On foot to the swimming pool and riding home on a bicycle.

During the Cold War, the Soviet authorities approached a well-known Polish painter.
They wanted him to create a work named “Stalin in Poland,” and he agreed after some negotiating if he was guaranteed complete artistic freedom.
When the painting’s presentation day arrived, there was a big celebration. When the occasion arose, a minister lifted the drape from the easel, revealing an image of a man and woman kissing, with the Kremlin visible through a window in the backdrop.
Furious, the authorities brought the painter backstage. “Who is that man?”
“Trotsky,” the painter replied.
“And who,” they continued, “is the woman?”
“Stalin’s wife,” the painter replied.
“So where,” they demanded, “is Stalin?”
The painter grinned. “Stalin’s in Poland.”

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Did you hear the joke about the Polish audio engineer?
That’s ok if you didn’t, theirs a Czech one two.

What do you call a serrated weapon that Polish people once used in battle?
A Warsaw.

A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”
The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Well then because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Ace Hardware.”

What do you call a Polish Sea-Doo?

What do you call the border of South Poland?
A Czechpoint.

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, “That’s a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it.”
To which the first replies, “Old country, I’m from the old country. Let me buy you another!”
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, “What part of the old country are you from?”
“Krakow,” replies the other. “This is weird,” says the first, “I, too, am from Krakow! Let’s get another shot.”
After the new round arrives, the first asks, “So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?’
“Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in ’81.”
“This is eerie,” replies the other, “I’m Welesa Tech, ’81. Let’s get another shot.” But the bartender says, “Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call.”
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he’ll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, “Oh, the friggin’ Liszjewski twins are here again.”

How did the Polish win at the athletics meet?
They stole the Poland ran away.

Which country likes surveys the most?

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What’s the similarity between Polish women and ice hockey goalies?
Both change their pads after three periods.

Why are there no lamp posts in Poland?
Because all of the Poles are in Auschwitz.

Why does Poland have a low variety of raw food?
Because there is always an oven nearby.

One Day, a medieval Polish farmer is out working in his fields one day and digs up an old magic lamp.
He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at the market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes. So the man says to the genie, “I want a horde of Mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.”
The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The Mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home.
The man then, as his second wish, wishes for a horde of Mongolians to come to Poland to kill and pillage.
The genie, who clearly does not comprehend this man, snaps his fingers, and another horde arrives, this time to the first village on Polish territory, kills and pillages, and then returns home.
After fulfilling his previous two wishes, the Polish man tells the genie, “Genie, I wish for a horde of Mongolians to come to Poland to kill and pillage.”
The genie, completely taken aback, agrees. This time, the horde arrives in the first large city, kills and pillages, and then returns home.
After this, the genie asks, “Why would you want a Mongolian horde to come to your land three separate times to kill and pillage?”
The pole responds, “If they came to Poland three times, it means they went through Russia 6.”

What language do they speak in Poland?
Depends on the year, sometimes it’s German and sometimes it’s Russian.

What is it when the rich control Poland?
A Poligarchy.

How do you lose the cops in Poland?
Just ditch your cash and coins, they can’t smell you anymore and they get distracted.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky to be seated beside an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”

Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
The scientist who understood the formula died.

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How did the Polish rabbi take his tea?
In a blast furnace.

How do you know if you’ve been robbed by a Polish man?
Your trash is gone and the dog is pregnant.

Bill Gates wakes up one morning and goes downstairs and is shocked to see his two Polish housekeepers are nowhere to be seen.
He yells for his wife, “Honey, where the hell have the maids gone?”
“Oh, Steve Jobs knocked on the door this morning,” replied his wife. “He offered both the housekeepers twice what you’re paying them to come and work for him, they couldn’t pass the offer up!”
Furious, Bill slams his fists down on the table, “Fucking Jobs!” he screams. “Coming over here and taking our immigrants!”

How do you get a one-armed polack out of a tree?

What do Germans use to clean their shoes?

How can you tell if a Polish woman is on the rag?
She’s missing a sock.

Why was the Polish guy jacking off in the restaurant
He thought the sign said, “first cum first served.”

An Italian and a Polish man are wearing Speedos as they go down the beach. While walking, they attract a lot of female attention, but it appears like all of the female attention is focused on the Italian guy!
The guys are hanging around after the day is done, and the Polish guy asks, “Ok, you have to tell me what’s going on, I’m not bad looking, I’m athletic and physically fit…. what’s your secret?” “Why are they all interested in you?” “OK, tomorrow when we walk on the beach, put a potato in your speedo,” the Italian adds. The Polish nod his head in agreement.
The next day they walk the beach again, but strangely it happens again! All the women are only interested in the Italian guy. That evening the Polish guy ask him again, “Man, I did what you said and nothing/ What is really your secret!?!”
The Italian guy says, “Ok bro, tomorrow, put the potato in the front…”

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What does a Polish lady do after she sucks cock?
She spits out the feathers.

What do you call a Polish stripper?
A dancing pole.

Why does Hitler like acetone?
It’s a Polish Remover.

What do you call a Polish sex technique?
The pole position.

Why shouldn’t you go to a soccer game in Poland?
Almost ever seat is behind a pole.

Do you have another funny Polish joke? Post your own racist jokes on Polish in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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