Cruise ships are like floating cities where the buildings can’t exceed a few decks and the population is temporarily united by a mutual love of buffet lines and questionable karaoke choices. These nautical behemoths whisk away passengers to exotic destinations, offering a smorgasbord of activities that you probably wouldn’t try at home—like salsa dancing with someone who can’t find the beat, or art auctions where you pretend to understand the difference between a Monet and a mojito. It’s a place where you can wake up to the sound of waves, the sight of an endless horizon, and the gentle reminder that yes, you did indeed sing “My Heart Will Go On” last night… and there’s video proof.
Delving into the briny depths of cruise ship jokes, we find a treasure trove of humor as vast as the ocean itself. Here, you might encounter quips about the eternal quest to locate your stateroom in the labyrinthine corridors that all look suspiciously identical—rumor has it that even the captain uses breadcrumbs. Or jests about the poolside loungers, who stake their claim at dawn with towels and a determination that would impress a conquistador. From the perils of a rogue wave splashing your formal wear to the joy of discovering that “all-inclusive” extends to the soft-serve ice cream machine, cruise ship comedy is about navigating the choppy waters of vacation quirks with a lifejacket of laughter snugly fastened.
Best Cruise Jokes
What do you call a cruise full of college graduates?
A Scholar-ship.
Yo mama so old, her first cruise was on Noah’s Ark.
Did you hear about the husband and wife who are banned from cruise ships?
After that whole poop deck misunderstanding they had.
What does Joseph say to his wife when they go on a cruise?
“It’s marytime!”
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
What do you call a ship full of male cats?
Tom Cruise.
What do you call a cruise ship filled with skilled artisans?
Great Craftsman Ship.
Where do sick cruise ships go to get healthy?
The dock.
Did you hear about the woman who fell off the cruise ship?
She has been named Eileen Dover.
Yo mama so old, she once cold called Christopher Columbus and sold him a cruise to America
Mr.Rogers once was on a cruise ship, and fell overboard into the ocean.
He was then carried safely to shore by a family of sharks.
What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?
A Freudian ship.
Did you hear that the flat-earth cruise to Antarctica is canceled?
It’s disappointing, but not the end of the world.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Did you hear about the comedian who performs exclusively on this cruise ship?
He specializes in one-liners.
What do you call family reunion on a cruise??
A relation-ship!
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
Did you hear about the red cruise ship and blue cruise ship that collided in the Caribbean?
The survivors were marooned.
What do you call a cruise ship full of chicken?
All Hens on deck!
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
What’s it like working on a cruise ship?
It has it’s ups and downs.
What do you call a boat of partying zombies?
An ooze cruise.
A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea.
The people on the ship manage to escape on lifeboats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him, “How far is the closest land?”The captain answers, “3 km.” The woman says after, “In which direction?”
To which the captain replied, “Down!”
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool?
A broad abroad on a board aboard.
What do you call a cruise director with a broken arm?
A shore thing.
A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES – $100.
He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him into the river. Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign, and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him into the river.
Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?” The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”
Why don’t secrets ever stay secret on a cruise ship?
Because even the waves spill the beans!
What’s a cruise ship’s favorite meal?
Ship and dip!
What kind of music do cruise ships like?
Anything with a good anchor beat.
Why did the cruise ship start a diet?
It had too much cargo on board!
Two Jewish bankers escaped from that sinking Italian cruise ship
They were both clinging to a life preserver. One guy, knowing the other can’t swim, says, ” I’m going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?”
The second Jewish banker says, “How could you talk business at a time like this?”
Why don’t cruise ships get lonely?
Because they’re always full of buoys and gulls!
Why did the cruise ship feel stressed?
It was under a lot of pier pressure.
How do you make a cruise ship smile?
Give it a little berth.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite thing about a luxury cruise?
No plank walking!
A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship when it starts to sink.
As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.
The rabbi says, “We must save the children!”
The lawyer says, “No, screw the children!”
Then the priest says, “Do we really have time to screw the children?”
What do you call a cruise ship where the crew won’t stop masturbating in front of passengers?
A tugboat.
What do you call a gay cruise?
A hardship.
Why was the computer cold on the cruise?
It left its Windows open.
An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives?
The flambuoyants.
Recommended: Train Jokes
What does a cannibal say to a waiter on a cruise ship?
“Please bring me the passenger list.”
Why was the cruise full of penises and potatoes not popular?
It was actually a dick tater ship.
Why don’t black people go on cruise ships?
Because they’re not falling for that one again.
Do you have a funny cruise ship joke? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
I knew everyone on my cruise,
guess it was a pretty good relation-ship!
What do you call an AV company specializing in Christian cruises?
Cruise-effects.