Football has always given grown adults a reason to yell at the TV, drop snacks everywhere, and complain about referees like the whole match depends on their opinion. One rainy night, a group of friends squeezed around a small screen watching a tense game, all shouting instructions at players who clearly could not hear them while their team somehow missed yet another easy goal.
Dirty football jokes usually start popping up after a rough tackle or two and right around the time the halftime food begins to disappear. After that, every comment about passes, injuries, or the locker room suddenly sounds wrong in the funniest possible way. Before long, the room is filled with louder laughter than the match commentary itself.
Adult Football Jokes
Boy: “Wanna go out?”
Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”
Boy: “It’s just like soccer, just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score.”
FIFA recently announced that, in fact, Gaius Julius Caesar, not Pelé nor Diego Maradona nor Lionel Messi nor Cristiano Ronaldo, is the Greatest Footballer of All Time.
Because Caesar scored Gauls left and right back in his days.
Why did the football team sack the hairy goalkeeper?
Because he rarely shaved the balls.
Did you hear that someone robbed a mafia-sponsored soccer game?
Took balls.
There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.
Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and F*cking Manchester United.
Why is it hard to date a female football player?
Because if you piss them off, they make a living by kicking balls.
What are the 3 best things you can say during lovemaking and a soccer match?
“Has to be the quickest finish ever.”
“He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!”
“I think the grass is a little bit too long.”
What’s the worst part about rupturing your t*sticles during soccer practice?
Picking up the ball bag afterwards.
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I’ve decided to start calling my manhood ‘Ronaldinho’…
…because it can lob Seaman over forty yards.
How is Soccer like a high school date?
It’s 90 minutes of scoreless action, and somehow everyone is proud of themselves.
Cristiano Ronaldo has his first parenting lesson with his new son. “Right,” says the midwife, “what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?” “Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f**king floor,” replies the baby.
Who holds the record for the longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team?
It’s a Thai.
Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
An English, American, and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.
The American says, “I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!”
The English says, “I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football (“soccer”) team!”
The Arab guy says, “I have 17 wives. One more, and I can make a golf course!”
What soccer team do most male g@y couples support?
Man United.
Why won’t Demi Lovato play soccer?
She cant seem to kick anything.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
“Gracias.”
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A football player once asked his wife if she had ever cheated on him. She answered with “Yes, three times.”
He then asked, “Ok, tell me about the first time.” She said, “Do you remember when the coach didn’t play you and then all of a sudden he started to play you?” He then asked, “Okay, what about the second time?” She told him, “Do you recall when your teammates didn’t pass you the ball and then they started to all of a sudden?” He angrily asked her, “ What about the third time?”
She told him, “Sooo do you remember when the fans were booing you and then they started cheering for you..”
What’s a s*xually confused weebs’ favorite sport?
Soccer… Or as they call it in Japan… Futaball.
Did you hear about the football player who got injured from receiving oral?
He can’t play for a while due to the injury. It was a season-ending blow.
Why did the emo kid try out for the football team?
He knew he could make the cut.
Women are like balls.
At 20, they are a Soccer Ball with 22 men running after them.
At 30, they are a Basketball with 10 men running after them.
At 40, they are a Golf Ball with just 1 man running after them.
At 50, they are a Ping-Pong Ball with men pushing them to other men.
Why did Shakira marry a soccer player?
For his stamina mina eh eh!
Why do you never see any Asian soccer players?
Because when they get a corner they build a shop.
Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank.
The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them “I’ll take a sample from the fastest runner.”
This is alarming to the two Germans, both of them being completely exhausted from the previous day’s game. After discussing it for a while, they decide to inform the nurse
“I don’t think we’re ready to compete for the cup…”
Professional women’s soccer is so boring.
Why am I even j*rking off to this?!
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A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.
After his son fails at shooting, passing, and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, “Are you sure your son is cut out for this?”
The father replies, “You haven’t seen his best attribute yet.”
“What’s that?”
“Dribbling.”
Which soccer team has the most pube$?
Man Chest hair united.
What is the KKK’s favorite football club?
Blackburn.
Did you hear a man was killed at a footballer’s house party?
Murder on Zidane’s floor.
Do you have a Dirty Football joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
