Astronaut training sounds like a dream at first, until you realize it means spinning around in machines, floating everywhere, and trying to eat food that won’t stay on your spoon. Getting to space isn’t all big heroic moments. A lot of it is just trying not to crash into walls while drifting around. It’s serious work, but at the same time, it feels a bit silly, like your body just can’t decide which way is up.
That’s exactly where astronaut jokes come from. When nothing behaves the way it normally should, things naturally start to feel funny. The quiet of space, the slow movement, and the unusual routines turn everyday thoughts into something amusing. Even the simplest actions start to feel like part of a lighthearted story that makes people smile without even trying.

Best Astronaut Jokes

On my first day of astronaut training, Johnny vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”
He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

Why are Astronauts always so calm?
There’s no pressure in space.

How do astronauts make sure their mission goes smoothly?
They planet.

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, “I can’t find any milk for my coffee.”
The second astronaut replies, “In space no one can, here use cream.”

A woman astronaut calls her base.
“Houston, we have a problem.”
“What is it?”
“Nothing…”

Why do all astronauts use a Mac?
Because its dangerous to open windows in space.

An astronaut stepped in gum on the moon
He’s stuck in orbit.

What chores do astronauts do?
Satellite Dishes!

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to send to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip
Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.
“One million dollars,” replied the engineer, “and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University.”
The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question.
“Two million dollars,” answered the doctor, “and I want to give one million to my family and leave the other million to medical research.”
The third candidate, a lawyer, was asked the same question.
“Three million dollars!” replied the lawyer.
“Why so much?” the interviewer inquired.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me three million, I’ll keep a million, give you a million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The sky is the limit.”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

What did the Astronaut say when he reached orbit for the first time?
Finally, the weight is over!

Yo mama so fat, astronauts found water on Mars when she took a dip in the pool.

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.

What were the first words from the astronaut who landed on the Sun?
“OHHHH! OWWW! HOT!! OUCH!”

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “Just around the corner!”
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It’s labelled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
The bouncer replies, “The boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” The astronaut says.
“I do.” The bartender gurgles back.
“Why is it called the Keyboard?” The man asks.
“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming, I updated the name!”
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat…
“The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because… It’s a space bar.”

Why do Astronauts only eat popsicles?
Because in space, no one can hear the ice scream.

Why were the astronauts quiet?
Because they spaced out.

The astronaut was accidentally sent to the wrong planet.
The intern defended himself by pointing out that Mercury and Mars both start with “M”.

Communication between NASA and the stuck astronauts on the ISS has been leaked
NASA:
“So we got two options for you. Option A is you get on a spacecraft by The Boeing Company or …”
Astronauts: “B!!! Oh god B!!! Please B.”

The year is 2040. The first astronauts have landed on Mars. And in a cave, they find a cave with a human skeleton and 4 words inscribed on the ship beside him.
“British East India Company.”

Why do Otters make good astronauts?
Because they are from Otter Space.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.

Why are astronauts so humbled after they return from space?
Because they are down-to-earth.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:
“What are these guys in the big suits doing?”
One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
“Watch out for these a$$holes! They’ve come to steal your land.”

What do you call a Mexican in space?
An astronaut, you idiot.

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet.
The view was breathtaking.

Oliver’s wife left him to become an astronaut…
She needed Space.

Yo mama so ugly, she inspires others to become astronauts so they can fly to space to avoid her.

What’s a specimen?
An Italian astronaut.

What did the astronaut say after he failed his mission?
He said, “I Apollogize.”

So two astronauts walk into a club on the moon.
One says to the other, “Let’s bounce, this place has no atmosphere.”

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking about where they would go if they were astronauts.
The brunette says, “The Moon.
The Redhead says, “Mars”.
The Blonde says, “The Sun.” When the other two girls say she can’t go to the sun as she’d get incinerated, she replies with, “I’d go at night, duh!”

What do women astronauts and your 14-year-old daughter have in common?
“I have nothing to wear!”

Why don’t ethnic and gender studies majors become astronauts?
Because there’s no such thing as safe space.

FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio.
Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.

How does an astronaut say sorry?
It APOLLOgizes.

What do they tell people who flunk out of the astronaut academy?
“The sky’s the limit for you”.

What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon?
1/6 G.

What award does NASA give the astronauts who board their spacecraft particularly quickly?
The starship -enter-prize.

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then, when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer, NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!”
At that, the first monkey started typing like mad, and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited, and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later, NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!”
At that, the second monkey started typing like mad, and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later, mission control announced, “This is mission control to the astronaut…”
At this, the astronaut responded, “I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”

Why is being an astronaut such an easy job?
No pressure.

Why are there not more dog astronauts?
They’re afraid of the vacuum.

What kind of currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.

I’ve been an Olympic Athlete, an Astronaut, a doctor and a scientist, and in a couple of months, there’s a good chance I’m going to be the president.
I love halloween.

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.

Why are astronauts lazy?
Because when they’re in space, they don’t carry their own weight.

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off, and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians, and reporters all ask the same question: “Is there life on Mars?”
“It’s a dead, stupid planet,” answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed, and accepting defeat.
When he’s back at his house, his kid asks again, “Dad, is there really no life on Mars?”
“Okay, so all the stores close at 2 pm, and they don’t have whiskey, would you call it a life?”

How do you tie your spaceship to the dock?
With an astronaut.

Why do Astronauts go into space?
Because some men just wanna watch the world turn.

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?
They bring a space heater.

Yo mama so fat, astronauts use her silhouette to practice lunar landings.

Why couldn’t the astronaut land on the moon?
It was full.

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.
I just wish they’d give those guys some space.

What do you call a crazy female astronaut?
A lunachick.

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Have you seen the video where an astronaut takes off his helmet in space?
It was breathtaking.

What is an astronaut’s favorite candy bar?
Milky way.

There are two astronauts on a rocket.
One says to the other, “Get Ready, it’s almost time for launch.”
To which the other says, “Launch?! I haven’t even had breakfast yet!”

What do you call an astronaut who lifts weights?
Neil Armstrong.

Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?
He wanted something meteor.

How does an astronaut cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

What is an astronaut’s favorite tea?
Gravitea.

How do astronauts serve tea?
On flying saucers!

Why did the man fall in love with the astronaut?
Because she was out of this world.

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The astronaut had bad arthritis, so he went to the doctor.
The doctor prescribed asteroid.

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?
One to screw the lightbulb and several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

How do astronauts get to sleep?
They just drift off.

Why don’t astronauts have to clean up after themselves?
Cause space is a vaccum.

Where do astronauts go to drink?
The bar.

What kind of gum do astronauts chew?
Hubble Bubble.

Why do astronauts think they are better than others?
Cause they’re always looking down on us.

What do you call an Australian in space?
An Austronaut.

What is it called when a man dies in space?
Unfortunaut.

Why do astronauts on the ISS never spend much time in queues?
Because they weightless.

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What’s the difference between an astronaut and a cosmonaut?
Astronauts take it slow, cosmonauts are always rushin’.

What do astronauts use to keep their pants up?
Asteroid belts.

Why do the ISS astronauts wear suspenders?
Because their pants are constantly falling down.