By 2040, Americans intend to vote in a presidential election. Japan promises to phase out nuclear power. Prince George of the UK will turn 27 and return the Koh-i-Noor to India. And, the world is likely to encounter alien life. It could come even sooner, depending on how many civilizations there are to be discovered in space. In anticipation, we have created an exceptional list of Alien jokes for you.
To be honest, we are fascinated with aliens. Everybody absolutely loves aliens. If you’re watching a terrible film that turns out to be an Alien film? It’s instantly a million times better. We’re always curious about what’s going on in the world beyond our own, even if it’s usually not based on fact. UFO reports can be frightening, ridiculous, loud, and devious. They’re also entertaining and fun, offering a comprehensible means to investigate powers and concepts beyond human experience through the familiar structure and beats of human-crafted stories.
Funny Alien Jokes
Why haven’t we found aliens yet?
because they are searching for intelligent life too.
How do you know aliens are not vegan?
Because they haven’t contacted us to say it.
Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?
It’s obviously a pyramid scheme.
Do you remember that when the US went to the moon, they planted the American Flag?
After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.
What if aliens are responsible for global warming?
And this is just their way of breaking the ice.
Just how many aliens do you know?
How do aliens pay for their coffee?
What would you call a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship?
“Alien vs Predator.”
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Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews and it has just one star.
What do you call an Alien with three eyes?
What solution Donald Trump has for aliens?
A man applies for a job interview.
Interviewer: So, tell me, what was your previous job?
Man: I was an Alien Hunter.
Interviewer: but Aliens don’t exist!
Man: you’re goddamn welcome.
Did you hear about Chuck Norris being abducted by aliens?
The aliens were never seen again.
Aliens: We’ve come to destroy the Earth.
Greta: It’s a bit late, right?
What is an alien’s favorite keyboard key?
The space key.
What do Donald Trump and Lex Luthor have in common?
They hate illegal aliens.
Did you hear about those aliens that abduct cows?
They must be gamblers as they are always raising the steaks.
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An alien enters a human brain shop.
Vendor: Welcome, sadly we are quite short on brains right now and only have two available.
Alien: I’d like to know more about them.
Vendor: Well, here’s Albert Einstein’s brain. He was extremely clever and was the driving force for most of human science. This item costs $2. This is the mind of someone who has seen every single episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” ever. It is priced at $200.
Alien: You’re attempting to take advantage of me. Why is the brain of someone so stupid so valuable?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn’t been used before.
How can you get aliens to destroy their own kind?
Split them into groups and teach them different religions.
What do you give an angry Alien?
What do you call an alien you can’t get rid of?
The young alien didn’t understand why we call them “dad jokes.”
Until one day it became apparent.
How do you get to be friends with an alien?
Have a down to earth conversation with them.
Did you know that the number of legs in the air of a horse statue indicates how its rider died?
If there are no legs in the air, the rider survived the war.
If there is one leg in the air, the rider was mortally wounded and died after a battle.
If there are two legs in the air, the rider was killed in battle.
If there are three legs in the air, the rider died in a tragic circus accident.
If there are four legs in the air, the rider was abducted by aliens and died in space.
Why were the aliens watching the cows?
They were on a steak-out.
What did the alien paramedic say when he first arrived on Earth?
“Take me to your bleeder.”
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
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Did you hear about the boy who was abducted by aliens?
They made him wash his hands, clean his room, and eat his vegetables. Turns out he was on the mothership.
Where does an alien put his teacup?
On a flying saucer.
Two aliens are chatting in space.
“The dominating life form on the Earth planet have created satellite-based nuclear weapons,” says the first alien.
The second alien asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have aimed at themselves.”
What did the alien say to the pitcher of water?
Take me to your liter.
What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
An ill eagle alien.
What do you call a shopping alien?
What is an alien’s favorite show?
“How I meteor mother,”
A scientist discovers the wreckage of an alien spaceship.
An alien is still alive, and the scientist assists him in repairing the spaceship so that the alien can return home.
As a token of appreciation, the extraterrestrial tells the scientist that he will answer a single question, whatever it is or how it is phrased. The scientist finally asks a question as the extraterrestrial prepares to take off.
“What is the best question that I could possibly ask you in this situation and what is the answer to it?” the scientist asked.
“The best question is the one you just asked, and the answer to it is the one I just gave you,” says the alien and flies away.
Where does alien visiting earth get their hair cut?
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What’s it called when you have too many aliens?
How do you tie up an alien?
With an astroknot.
Humans: Fuck off, Aliens!
An astronaut is the first person to set foot on an alien world. The aliens are so ecstatic that they change all of their signs to English and even rename some of their places and landmarks after human places and landmarks.
The astronaut thinks that the first location he should visit is a tavern. He notices a neighboring alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien replies with a gurgle, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real-time. “Just around the corner!” answers the alien.
The astronaut turns around and notices it! “The Keyboard,” it’s labeled, and he inquires of the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
“The boss likes all things human and changed his name to reflect that,” the bouncer responds, “ask him, he’s the bartender.”
As a result, the astronaut enters the Keyboard and walks over to the alien bartender.
“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” inquires the astronaut.
“I do,” the bartender responds.
“How come it’s named the Keyboard?” the astronaut wonders.
“Well, because I knew you humans were coming,” the alien responds, “I updated the name!”
“The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because… it’s a space bar.”
Why are groups of alien spaceships sometimes called pods?
Because they come in peas.
How do you throw a party for an alien?
You have to plan-et.
How do aliens spell words?
They use the ALFabet.
Aliens land their spaceship in a farmer’s field.
They visit the property and explain that they are interplanetary swingers to the farmer and his wife. He asks if they are willing to spend the night and then return to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife discuss it and come to an agreement.
The male alien enters the bard with the farmer’s wife and drops his pants. He has a pencil-thin green penis that is about an inch long and erect. The farmer’s wife laughs briefly before the extraterrestrial bends his left ear. His penis is 13 inches long. The extraterrestrial then bends his right ear, and his penis expands to the size of a Red Bull container.
The aliens leave after breakfast the next morning, and the husband asks his wife how it went. “Wonderful,” she said, “I’m glad we agreed.” “And what about you?”
The farmer describes it as “extremely odd” and “quite different from human sex.” “How so?” inquired the wife.
“Well, all she did was play with my ears the whole time…”
Who among us are aliens on Earth?
What do you call a baked alien playing Legend of Zelda?
What kind of mayonnaise do aliens use?
What do you call an alien who was exiled from the Amish?
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What do you call an alien that can’t control what he says?
One day, aliens come to Earth. They arrive in peace and, surprisingly, speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to talk with the aliens, so a meeting with our new visitors is scheduled. When it is time for the Pope to speak, he asks, “Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”
“You mean JC?” the alien asks. “Yeah, we know him! He’s the best, isn’t he? He comes by every year to make sure we’re all right.”
“He arrives every year?! It’s been nearly two millennia and we’re still waiting for his Second coming!” says the pope, surprised.
When the alien notices that the pope has been enraged by this reality, he begins to rationalize. “Perhaps he prefers our chocolate to yours?”
“Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?” says the Pope.
The alien says, “Yea when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates!” “Why? What did you guys do?”
What did the pirate say when abducted by aliens?
What did the Ikea bookshelf say to the alien?
“I come in pieces.”
What do you call an extraterrestrial who only drinks beer?
Where do aliens get their milk?
From the Milky Way.
One day, a farmer’s son is returning from the market.
As he goes by farmer Jon’s house, he notices the barn on fire. He rushes home to tell his father, eager to impress him with the news. “Pa, pa! You’ll never guess what I saw today passing farmer Jon’s house!” the son exclaims. “His barn burned down. Heard it on my radio.” disappointed, the kid retires to bed to prepare for the following early morning.
On this particular day, as he drives past the home of poor farmer Jon, he witnesses a flying saucer tear the sky apart and kidnaps some of the farmer’s cows. He hurries home to inform his father once more. He was sure this would impress him. “Pa, pa! You won’t believe what I saw passing farmer Jon’s house today!” The old farmer responds, “Aliens abducted farmer Jon’s cows. Heard about it on my radio.” Annoyed and unhappy that he can’t impress his father with his story, he goes to bed to prepare for another early day on the farm.
The following day, as the son is coming home from the store, the kid enters the house beaming broadly and saying, “Pa, Pa! You’ll never guess what! I lost my virginity today!”
The old farmer skeptical says, “In a pigs arse you did!”
The son says, “Goddamn it! Is there anything that damn radio doesn’t tell you!”
What do you call a fat alien?
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If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?
Purple. Because aliens don’t wear hats.
What’s an alien’s favorite shape?
What do you call a sick bird who has secretly migrated to Earth?
An ill-eagle alien.
Why are Vulcans the most erotic alien species?
They’re always coming to conclusions.
Two aliens landed in the desert near a closed-for-the-night gas station. They approached one of the pumps, thinking it was an earthling, and the younger alien said, “Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your commander.”
Of course, the pump did not respond.
The younger alien was perplexed. “I’d calm down if I were you,” replied the older alien, but the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. There was no reaction once more. Shocked and angered by the pump’s arrogant attitude, he pulled his ray gun and remarked hastily, “Greetings, Earthling. We arrive in peace. Do not neglect us in this manner! I’ll fire you if you don’t take us to your leader!” The older alien cautioned his colleague once more, adding, “You probably don’t want to do that! I don’t think you should irritate him.”
“Rubbish,” said the arrogant young alien. He pointed his weapon at the pump and fired. A massive explosion occurred. A large flame rushed at them, knocking the younger alien off his feet and depositing him in a cactus patch some 200 yards away as a charred, smoking heap.
A half-hour had passed. When he came to, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and stared dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him, shaking his large, green head.
“What a ferocious beast!” the young, fried alien exclaimed. “He almost killed me! What made you think he was so dangerous?” The older alien leaned forward, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy companion, and answered, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”
What do you call a company that sells sex toys to aliens?
Heard about an alien masturbating in a guy’s freezer?
The guy asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, “I cum in peas.”
Why are there no aliens sighted in Africa?
Cause all the people are men in black.
What do you call an alien in the attic?
Anne Frank if she was Mexican.
A small alien sits behind a couple on the bus.
The alien takes a step forward and taps the woman on the shoulder. The man gets up and turns around. “I’ll kick you in the balls if you don’t stop!”
“We don’t have that,” the alien laughs, tapping the woman’s shoulders again.
“Stop or I’ll rip off your dick!”
The alien laughs again, “We don’t have it either,” and taps on the woman’s shoulders once more.
“Yeah, and how do you get your women pregnant?”
The alien taps the woman on the shoulder once again. “Just like that.”
If you cummed in outer space and it just kept floating away and somehow you gave an alien a facial, what would it be called?
Why do aliens wear condoms?
They don’t want to get ayyds.
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Did you hear that the Aliens are probably monitoring our media?
98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they’re not giving us anal probes. They’re just trying to speak our language.
What do you call an alien with three balls?
How do redneck aliens abduct people?
What do you call an alien that’s also a pedophile?
Why do aliens avoid having sex in public?
They prefer to come in peace.
Have a better joke about aliens? Post your alien puns in the comments below.