60 Bald Jokes For Those Who Are Bald As Coot

Bald Jokes on People
Best Bald Jokes

Losing your hair is like being in a relationship with someone who is leaving very slowly. You try to talk to them about the growing distance between you. But they are adamant that it was a good run. Turning bald is slow but a steady process and amidst, you start having a deep connection with other bald people. In some time, Pitbull becomes your favorite rapper and Dwayne Johnson is someone whom you admire the most.

For such moments, we have aggregated this list of the best bald jokes on the Internet for you. 

Funny Bald Jokes 

Why are there holes in the pockets of bald men?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

What do you call a plane filled with bald people?

Receding airlines.

I was fed-up with people laughing at me for being bald, so I went out and bought a hairpiece.

It was a small price toupee.

What do you call a barber that only works on bald people?

An air stylist.

Bald men are meant to be more virile.

The problem is they never get the chance to prove it.

Daughter: Mommy, why is daddy bald?

Mother: It’s because he thinks a lot sweetheart.

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked: Is that why you have a lot of hair?

How is it playing with bald men in a park?

You’ll love it but it’s hard to find 32 of them.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

“Thanks, I’ll never part with it.”

Recommended: Hairline Jokes

What do you call a bald man who has rabbits tattooed on to his head?

From a distance, they looked like hares.

What do you call a bald porcupine?


What do you call a bald man on a windy day?


What happens when two bald men put their heads together?

They make an ass of themselves.

A bald man goes to a trichologist. “Doc, is there anything you can do to help me get my hair back?” says a bald man to his doctor. “Here, take this jar of pu*sy juice and apply some on your head every night for a month,” the doctor advises. He’s tried everything else so far, so he decides he’ll give it a shot. After one month, he has a magnificent head of hair! He returns to thank the doctor. He claims, “Thank you so much, Doc! I simply have one question: how did you know that rubbing pu*sy juice on my head would work?”

The doctor looks at the man, smiles and says, “Have you ever seen a beard this thick?”

What do you call a Bald Irishman?

Al O’Peesha.

What do you call lice that live in a bald man’s head?


How many Bald Men does it take to fix a light bulb?


Why did Harry Potter suddenly go bald in his teens?

He lost his Hedwig.

Recommended: No Legs & No Arms Jokes

Why are people really worried about this recession?

They fear that they may go bald.

The bald, old, cruel king had three sons. The youngest son had his characteristics, but the two elder sons were not bad. To ensure that his youngest son succeeded him, the king kidnapped a fairy and promised it freedom in exchange for a wish.

“I wish for my youngest son to be my heir,” said the king.

The son disappeared and the king was no longer bald.

Why was there a lot of controversy about the bald man’s will?

Turns out he didn’t have any heirs.

Why are all the dead sinners bald?

Because they have hell toupee.

When do you notice that you are going bald?

When it takes longer and longer to wash your face.

How do you call making fun of Jada Smith in front of Will?

A bald move.

Little Johnny is out shopping with his mother when he notices a bald man. “Mum, why doesn’t that man have any hair on his head?” he wonders.

When his mother glances up, she notices the man has classic male-pattern baldness. His hormones most likely,” she says.

Little Johnny asks, “Can’t he ask her to stop?”

What happened between a bald person and their hair?

They had a falling out.

What not to say in an argument against a bald person?

Hair me out.

A guy with three hairs goes to the barbers. He says, “I want a trim then one to the left, one to the right and one down the middle.” The barber gets busy with comb and scissors but one of the hairs falls out. “OK,” says the guy, “finish the trim and I’ll have one to the left and one to the right.”

The barber sets to again and another hair falls out.

“Fuck it,” says the guy, “just leave it messy.”

What is the best thing about being tall and having a bald patch?

People think you’re just tall.

Recommended: Tall People Jokes

Men who are bald on top are great thinkers and men who are bald on the back of their heads are great lovers.

Men who are bald on the top and the back think they are great lovers.

What’s worse than finding hair in your food?

Finding out the chef is bald.

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.

“Won’t you give me something to keep it in?” he begged.

“Take this,” the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.

What does a balding magician have in his hat?


An old man lived near a forest. As he grew older, he began to lose his hair, until he was entirely bald on his deathbed. He summoned his children to a meeting that day.

He stated, “Take a look at my hair. It was once magnificent, but it is now completely gone. My hair is beyond repair. However, take a look outside at the forest. It’s a beautiful forest with a lot of trees, but sooner or later, they’ll all be taken down, and this forest will be as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do…” said the man. “Is to plant a new tree in my memory every time a tree is cut down or dies. Tell your heirs to do the same. It will be our family’s legacy to maintain this forest strong.”

That is exactly what they did.

Whenever the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, as did their children, their children’s children, and so on.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

What are bald sea captains afraid of?

Cap sizes.

Why doesn’t the husband mind when his wife is leaving him due to his baldness?

Because it’s hair loss.

Recommended: Big Forehead Jokes

Why do bald men like teepees?

It keeps their wigwam.

A barber, a bald man, and an absent-minded professor embark on a voyage. Because they must camp overnight, they decide to take turns safeguarding the bags. When it’s the barber’s turn, he gets bored and entertains himself by shaving the professor’s head.

When the professor is roused up for his shift, he feels his head, and says “How foolish is that barber? He’s awakened the bald man rather than me.”

What do you give a bald Guinea Pig?

A Guinea wig.

Why do bald people always look forward to sunny days?

That’s their time to shine.

What do diarrhea and baldness have in common?

They both run in your genes.

Invited to a Halloween party is a man with a wooden leg who is also bald. He is unsure of what costume to wear to conceal his head and leg, so he writes to a costume company to describe his situation. A few days later, he got a package containing the following note:

Mr Sir, Please find an outfit for a pirate enclosed. The spotted handkerchief will conceal your bald head, and the wooden leg will complete your pirate look.

Very Truly Yours, Acme Costume Co

The man feels this is terrible because they have only highlighted his wooden leg, so he sends a protest letter. After a week, he receives another package with a message that reads:

Mr. Sir, Please find a monk’s habit enclosed. The long robe will conceal your wooden leg, and your bald head will complete the look.

Very Truly Yours, Acme Costume Co

The man is now quite irritated because they have switched from emphasising his wooden leg to stressing his bald head. So he sends the corporation another venomous letter of protest. The following week, he receives a little package with a message that reads:

Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your rear and go as a caramel apple.

What sort of gun is a bald guy’s favourite?

One with a hair-trigger.

What do you call a chicken without feathers?


Recommended: Chicken Jokes

What do you call a bald heron?


Upon his death, a very rich man bequeathed his wealth to the building of a luxury train service only for bald men. The man himself was bald and even with all his wealth, he felt something was missing in his life and thus wanted to do one nice thing for his follicly challenged fellows. So the train service is started and they are top of the line. Private booths, cushy seats, WIFI, the works. All for the price of a regular train ticket. Bald people finally felt like even if they have nothing in life at least they have one thing no one else has.

It just so happened that one day a man had to go into the city and was running very late for his appointment. He didn’t have enough money for a cab only enough for a regular train ticket. The man knew that this was a “bald-only” train but due to his circumstances decided to risk it. He snuck on and found himself a private booth all for himself and settled in for the ride.

In due time the conductor started to come around to both verify that the men were indeed bald and to check/sell tickets. In this instance, the conductor was a blind man, and he would verify the passengers’ baldness by feeling their scalp. The man heard the knock on his booth from the conductor. “I’m here for verification, sir.” The man, not wanting to get thrown off the train, did the only thing he could think of and pulled his trousers down and presented his bare ass to the conductor. The conductor felt the butt for a second and remarked: “Allow me to say, sir, what a magnificent bald head you have. It even has a part in the middle.”

Recommended: Butt Jokes

What do you call a bald girl whose bunny and parents just died?

A hairless hareless heiress.

What’s the difference between a bald man and an egg?

Eggs get laid.

What do you call a bald pirate?


A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are crossing a bridge. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge when a bald old witch appears out of nowhere.

“This bridge is guarded by me. You may only pass if you provide me with a challenge that I cannot meet.”

The Englishman takes the lead first: “In my hometown, I was the best footballer. I’m sure you can’t kick a football as far as I can.”

So the Englishman kicks a football into the distance, about 5 football fields distant. The bald witch, on the other hand, steps up and easily kicks the football twice as far. The Scotsman is the next to confront the witch.

“I was nearly chosen for the Olympic swimming team. You can’t possibly swim to the opposite side of the river and back faster than I can.”

So the witch and the Scotsman leap in the river, but the bald witch easily defeats the Scotsman to the other side and back.

The Irishman is the last person to confront the witch. He stops for a while before pulling a comb from his jacket pocket, looking the witch in the eyes, and beginning to comb his hair back.

“I’m sure you can’t do it.”

What kind of bird doesn’t need haircuts?

A bald eagle!

Why do the disciples of the Church of Luck shave their heads?

Because Fortune favours the bald.

What do you call a balding web developer?

A 404-head.

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start. So they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend, “5 bucks if I go smash his head ?” The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes the bald guy on the head and says to him, “Hey Mike, long time no see man.” The bald guy clearly surprised responds ”I believe you made a mistake sir” so the guy replies, “I’m so so sorry sir”, and walks away. The two friends laugh and the man gives the 5 bucks to his rather bold friend.

After 5 minutes the guy tells his friend again, “10 bucks if I do it again?” The friend agrees and so the man goes and smashes the bald guy’s head again and says, “Hey mike how have you been man?” The bald guy now clearly irritated tells him. “Hey man listen, I’ve already told you I’m not Mike.” the guy responds. “A thousand apologies sir, won’t happen again,” and goes back to his friend who is now dying of laughter while the bald guy in the front row switches seats and sits now in the corner.

After receiving his money he tells his friend again, “50 bucks if I do it one last time?” So his friend who is dying of curiosity agrees. Once again the man goes down to the bald guy who is now sitting in the corner and smashes his head while shouting, “Oh come on Mike, you’ve been sitting here all along and I’ve been smashing that pour guy’s head for 15 minutes?”

What is the difference between a prince, a bald-headed man, a monkey and an orphan?

The first is an heir apparent, the second has no apparent hair, the third has a hairy parent and the last has nary a parent.

Recommended: Orphan Jokes

What do you call a bald Italian guy who’s really into dragons?


Why did the bald man put fish oil on his head? 

Because he thought it would make his herring grease.

What do you call a bald chair?

a ‘c’.

An elderly woman enters a bank.

The bank has the highest reputation in the little town.

“May I assist you, madam?” says the clerk.

“I’d like to open an account and deposit $1,000,000,” says the woman.

Because it was a large sum of money, the clerk directed the woman to the manager’s office.

Manager: “Please forgive me for asking, but how did you come to have such a significant sum of money?”

“I win bets for a living,” says the woman.

“I’m perplexed,” says the manager.

“I’m sure you’re bald and wearing a wig,” says the woman.

Manager (concerned): “Well, they are real hair, you can verify it yourself.”

Woman: How about a thousand-dollar bet? I’ll come by tomorrow with my lawyer to inspect your hair.

The manager nodded, confident that he would win.

The next day, a woman arrived with a lawyer. When the manager stated that he was ready, the woman began pulling his hair. When he saw this, the lawyer passed out. The shocked  Manager said, “What happened to him?

The old woman said,” Nothing, I had bet with him that I would pull the hair of the manager of this town’s most prestigious bank, and he agreed to let me. He just blew half a million bucks.”

When do you know you’re going bald?

When you use more toothpaste than shampoo.

If the bald guy were a pen, what kind would he be?

A bald point.

How do you know every Zodiac sign has a signature hairstyle?

They do, for instance, people with cancer are bald.

Hope you loved these jokes about baldness! Hope these hilarious puns and one-liners could make your day more enjoyable.

What do you think?

Written by Jessica Amlee

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Known for her sharp wit and clever wordplay, Jessica has authored several popular joke books. A regular at stand-up comedy clubs, she never fails to leave her audience in stitches. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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