80 Funny Bald Jokes For The Smooth Headed People

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Jessica Amlee

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Baldness, or hair loss, is a common phenomenon, especially among men, but it can affect anyone. It’s often a natural part of aging, though it can also result from various medical conditions, genetics, or lifestyle factors. While some embrace their baldness as a part of their identity, for others, it can be a source of sensitivity or self-consciousness. Over the years, baldness has also been associated with wisdom and maturity in various cultures. In recent times, the trend of shaving one’s head completely has even become a style statement, embraced by celebrities and public figures, making baldness less of a concern and more of a fashion choice.

Bald jokes, in a light-hearted context, play on the experiences and stereotypes associated with being bald. These jokes are often self-deprecating or poke fun at the practicalities and perceptions of losing hair. They are a way of humorously embracing the balding process, turning something that might be a sore point for some into a source of laughter and shared camaraderie. The key to these jokes is a spirit of fun and self-acceptance, ensuring they are taken in good humor and contribute to a positive and lighthearted view of baldness. After all, as the saying goes, a smooth head often reflects a lot of bright ideas!

Best Bald People Jokes 

Why are there holes in the pockets of bald men?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.

A man walks into a dermatologist’s clinic.
“Have you noticed any patterns with your balding?” asked the doctor.
“Yes,” the man replied, “whenever it happens I look in the mirror and have a little cry.”

What do you call a plane filled with bald people?
Receding airlines.

Yo mama so bald, whenever she showers she gets brainwashed.

How many bald South Americans are there?
About a Brazilian of them.

What do you call a barber that only works on bald people?
An air stylist.

Bald men are meant to be more virile.
The problem is they never get the chance to prove it.

Daughter: Mommy, why is daddy bald?
Mother: It’s because he thinks a lot sweetheart.
The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked: Is that why you have a lot of hair?

How is it playing with bald men in a park?
You’ll love it but it’s hard to find 32 of them.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
“Thanks, I’ll never part with it.”

Recommended: Hairline Jokes

In spite of the barber’s mistakes, the man contented himself with his near-bald look.
“It’ll grow on me,” he thought to himself.

A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there’s so little of it?”
“Well,” said the barber, “I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”

What would you call it when a bald man finally removes his ponytail?
A hipsterectomy.

A woman answers her house phone and hears a deep voice with heavy breathing say, “Have you got a tight, bald c*nt?”
The woman answers, “Hang on and I’ll get him, he’s on the couch watching TV.”

This man turned 70, was looking in a mirror, and said, “Look at me, mom. I am old, fat, and bald. Can you please compliment me?”
“Well, you have terrific eyesight.”

Worried he is losing his hearing, a man makes a doctor visit.
The doctor asked, “Please describe the symptoms.”
“Well, he’s bald and overweight and she’s tall with blue hair.”

What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes.

What do you call a bald man who has rabbits tattooed on to his head?
From a distance, they looked like hares.

A balding, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, then I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said “Sir…there’s no money in your account.”
”I know,” said the old man…”But let me tell you about my weekend.”

Bald guy: Hey, bro, I’m new in town. Do you know where I can buy a toupee?
Stranger: Not off the top of my head.

What is the favorite game of balding people?

Kratos may be bald…
But Freya’s son is balder.

Yo mama so bald, Mr clean got jealous.

What do you call a bald porcupine?

What do you call a bald man on a windy day?

What happens when two bald men put their heads together?
They make an a** of themselves.

A bald man goes to a trichologist. “Doc, is there anything you can do to help me get my hair back?” says a bald man to his doctor. “Here, take this jar of pu**y juice and apply some on your head every night for a month,” the doctor advises. He’s tried everything else so far, so he decides he’ll give it a shot. After one month, he has a magnificent head of hair! He returns to thank the doctor. He claims, “Thank you so much, Doc! I simply have one question: how did you know that rubbing pu**y juice on my head would work?”
The doctor looks at the man, smiles, and says, “Have you ever seen a beard this thick?”

What do you call a Bald Irishman?
Al O’Peesha.

What do you call lice that live in a bald man’s head?

Yo mama so bald, Earth feels like Tattooine when she’s around.

How many Bald Men does it take to fix a light bulb?

Why did Harry Potter suddenly go bald in his teens?
He lost his Hedwig.

Recommended: No Legs & No Arms Jokes

Why are people really worried about this recession?
They fear that they may go bald.

The bald, old, cruel king had three sons. The youngest son had his characteristics, but the two elder sons were not bad. To ensure that his youngest son succeeded him, the king kidnapped a fairy and promised it freedom in exchange for a wish.
“I wish for my youngest son to be my heir,” said the king.
The son disappeared and the king was no longer bald.

Why was there a lot of controversy about the bald man’s will?
Turns out he didn’t have any heirs.

Why are all the dead sinners bald?
Because they have hell toupee.

Yo mama so bald, whoever talks about her hair gets smacked in the face by Will Smith.

When do you notice that you are going bald?
The moment it takes longer and longer to wash your face.

How do you call making fun of Jada Smith in front of Will?
A bald move.

Little Johnny is out shopping with his mother when he notices a bald man. “Mum, why doesn’t that man have any hair on his head?” he wonders.
When his mother glances up, she notices the man has classic male-pattern baldness. His hormones most likely,” she says.
Little Johnny asks, “Can’t he ask her to stop?”

What happened between a bald person and their hair?
They had a falling out.

What not to say in an argument against a bald person?
“Hair me out.”

A guy with three hairs goes to the barbers. He says, “I want a trim then one to the left, one to the right and one down the middle.” The barber gets busy with comb and scissors but one of the hairs falls out. “OK,” says the guy, “finish the trim and I’ll have one to the left and one to the right.”
The barber sets to again and another hair falls out.
“F*ck it,” says the guy, “just leave it messy.”

What is the best thing about being tall and having a bald patch?
People think you’re just tall.

Recommended: Tall People Jokes

Men who are bald on top are great thinkers and men who are bald on the back of their heads are great lovers.
Men who are bald on the top and the back think they are great lovers.

What’s worse than finding hair in your food?
Finding out the chef is bald.

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
“Won’t you give me something to keep it in?” he begged.
“Take this,” the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.

What does a balding magician have in his hat?

An old man lived near a forest. As he grew older, he began to lose his hair, until he was entirely bald on his deathbed. He summoned his children to a meeting that day.
He stated, “Take a look at my hair. It was once magnificent, but it is now completely gone. My hair is beyond repair. However, take a look outside at the forest. It’s a beautiful forest with a lot of trees, but sooner or later, they’ll all be taken down, and this forest will be as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do…” said the man. “Is to plant a new tree in my memory every time a tree is cut down or dies. Tell your heirs to do the same. It will be our family’s legacy to maintain this forest strong.”
That is exactly what they did.
Whenever the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, as did their children, their children’s children, and so on.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

What are bald sea captains afraid of?
Cap sizes.

Why doesn’t the husband mind when his wife is leaving him due to his baldness?
Because it’s hair loss.

Recommended: Big Forehead Jokes

Why do bald men like teepees?
It keeps their wigwam.

A barber, a bald man, and an absent-minded professor embark on a voyage. Because they must camp overnight, they decide to take turns safeguarding the bags. When it’s the barber’s turn, he gets bored and entertains himself by shaving the professor’s head.
When the professor is roused up for his shift, he feels his head, and says “How foolish is that barber? He’s awakened the bald man rather than me.”

What do you give a bald Guinea Pig?
A Guinea wig.

Why do bald people always look forward to sunny days?
That’s their time to shine.

What do diarrhea and baldness have in common?
They both run in your genes.

Invited to a Halloween party is a man with a wooden leg who is also bald. He is unsure of what costume to wear to conceal his head and leg, so he writes to a costume company to describe his situation. A few days later, he got a package containing the following note:

Mr Sir, Please find an outfit for a pirate enclosed. The spotted handkerchief will conceal your bald head, and the wooden leg will complete your pirate look.
Very Truly Yours, Acme Costume Co

The man feels this is terrible because they have only highlighted his wooden leg, so he sends a protest letter. After a week, he receives another package with a message that reads:

Mr. Sir, Please find a monk’s habit enclosed. The long robe will conceal your wooden leg, and your bald head will complete the look.

Very Truly Yours, Acme Costume Co

The man is now quite irritated because they have switched from emphasising his wooden leg to stressing his bald head. So he sends the corporation another venomous letter of protest. The following week, he receives a little package with a message that reads:

Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your rear and go as a caramel apple.

What sort of gun is a bald guy’s favorite?
One with a hair-trigger.

What do you call a chicken without feathers?

Recommended: Chicken Jokes

What do you call a bald heron?

Upon his death, a very rich man bequeathed his wealth to the building of a luxury train service only for bald men. The man himself was bald and even with all his wealth, he felt something was missing in his life and thus wanted to do one nice thing for his follicly challenged fellows. So the train service is started and they are top of the line. Private booths, cushy seats, WIFI, the works. All for the price of a regular train ticket. Bald people finally felt like even if they have nothing in life at least they have one thing no one else has.
It just so happened that one day a man had to go into the city and was running very late for his appointment. He didn’t have enough money for a cab only enough for a regular train ticket. The man knew that this was a “bald-only” train but due to his circumstances decided to risk it. He snuck on and found himself a private booth all for himself and settled in for the ride.
In due time the conductor started to come around to both verify that the men were indeed bald and to check/sell tickets. In this instance, the conductor was a blind man, and he would verify the passengers’ baldness by feeling their scalp. The man heard the knock on his booth from the conductor. “I’m here for verification, sir.” The man, not wanting to get thrown off the train, did the only thing he could think of and pulled his trousers down and presented his bare a** to the conductor. The conductor felt the butt for a second and remarked: “Allow me to say, sir, what a magnificent bald head you have. It even has a part in the middle.”

She didn’t start losing her hair until she began using Simplicity designs to sew together men’s clothing.
It was male pattern baldness.

What do you call a bald midget?
A make a wish kid.

Yo mama so bald, her lice have to wear sunscreen.
Her heads so pointy too, the ones at the top call it the Summit.
And when they yodel, there’s avalanches of dandruff.
The lice down at base camp guard the wall and holler “Winter is Coming.”

What do you call a bald f1 driver?
Chemo Perez.

Recommended: Butt Jokes

What do you call a bald girl whose bunny and parents just died?
A hairless hareless heiress.

What’s the difference between a bald man and an egg?
Eggs get laid.

What do you call a bald pirate?

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are crossing a bridge. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge when a bald old witch appears out of nowhere.
“This bridge is guarded by me. You may only pass if you provide me with a challenge that I cannot meet.”
The Englishman takes the lead first: “In my hometown, I was the best footballer. I’m sure you can’t kick a football as far as I can.”
So the Englishman kicks a football into the distance, about 5 football fields distant. The bald witch, on the other hand, steps up and easily kicks the football twice as far. The Scotsman is the next to confront the witch.
“I was nearly chosen for the Olympic swimming team. You can’t possibly swim to the opposite side of the river and back faster than I can.”
So the witch and the Scotsman leap in the river, but the bald witch easily defeats the Scotsman to the other side and back.
The Irishman is the last person to confront the witch. He stops for a while before pulling a comb from his jacket pocket, looking the witch in the eyes, and beginning to comb his hair back.
“I’m sure you can’t do it.”

What kind of bird doesn’t need haircuts?
A bald eagle!

Why do the disciples of the Church of Luck shave their heads?
Because Fortune favors the bald.

What do you call a balding web developer?
A 404-head.

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start. So they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend, “5 bucks if I go smash his head ?” The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes the bald guy on the head and says to him, “Hey Mike, long time no see man.” The bald guy clearly surprised responds ”I believe you made a mistake sir” so the guy replies, “I’m so so sorry sir”, and walks away. The two friends laugh and the man gives the 5 bucks to his rather bold friend.
After 5 minutes the guy tells his friend again, “10 bucks if I do it again?” The friend agrees and so the man goes and smashes the bald guy’s head again and says, “Hey mike how have you been man?” The bald guy now clearly irritated tells him. “Hey man listen, I’ve already told you I’m not Mike.” the guy responds. “A thousand apologies sir, won’t happen again,” and goes back to his friend who is now dying of laughter while the bald guy in the front row switches seats and sits now in the corner.
After receiving his money he tells his friend again, “50 bucks if I do it one last time?” So his friend who is dying of curiosity agrees. Once again the man goes down to the bald guy who is now sitting in the corner and smashes his head while shouting, “Oh come on Mike, you’ve been sitting here all along and I’ve been smashing that pour guy’s head for 15 minutes?”

What is the difference between a prince, a bald-headed man, a monkey and an orphan?
The first is an heir apparent, the second has no apparent hair, the third has a hairy parent and the last has nary a parent.

Recommended: Orphan Jokes

What do you call a bald Italian guy who’s really into dragons?

Why did the bald man put fish oil on his head?
Because he thought it would make his herring grease.

What do you call a bald chair?
a ‘c’.

An elderly woman enters a bank. The bank has the highest reputation in the little town.
“May I assist you, madam?” asks the clerk.
“I’d like to open an account and deposit $1,000,000,” says the woman.
Because it was a large sum of money, the clerk directed the woman to the manager’s office.
The Manager says, “Please forgive me for asking, but how did you come to have such a significant sum of money?”
“I win bets for a living,” says the woman.
“I’m perplexed,” says the manager.
“I’m sure you’re bald and wearing a wig,” says the woman.
The Manager (concerned) says, “Well, they are real hair, you can verify it yourself.”
The woman says, How about a thousand-dollar bet? I’ll come by tomorrow with my lawyer to inspect your hair.
The manager nodded, confident that he would win.
The next day, a woman arrived with a lawyer. When the manager stated that he was ready, the woman began pulling his hair. When he saw this, the lawyer passed out. The shocked Manager said, “What happened to him?
The old woman said,” Nothing, I had bet with him that I would pull the hair of the manager of this town’s most prestigious bank, and he agreed to let me. He just blew half a million bucks.”

When do you know you’re going bald?
You use more toothpaste than shampoo.

If the bald guy were a pen, what kind would he be?
A bald point.

A bald guy is minding his own business.
An obnoxious drunk comes up to him, rubs his head, and says, “Your head feels just like my wife’s a**”.
The bald guy feels his own head and says, “Hey, you’re right!”

How do you know every Zodiac sign has a signature hairstyle?
They do, for instance, people with cancer are bald.

Three bald men are shopping for hotdogs. Which one used to be blonde?
The one in the pet store.

Hope you loved these jokes about baldness! Hope these hilarious puns and one-liners could make your day more enjoyable.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

1 thought on “80 Funny Bald Jokes For The Smooth Headed People”

  1. My friend has recently become completely bald, so he had rabbits tattooed on his scalp…
    …because in the distance they may look like hares.


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