Best Man Speech is a rite of passage where you stand before a captive audience and try not to ruin your buddy’s biggest day. It’s like walking a tightrope with a pint in each hand; one false move, and you’re going to be the subject of family gossip for decades. For centuries, the best man has been saddled with this grand responsibility. It’s your Oscar moment; you need to thank the Academy, aka the bride and groom, while subtly reminding everyone why you and the groom are soulmates—no, not in that way, Aunt Karen.
Now, what would a Best Man Speech be without jokes? They’re the croutons in the Caesar salad of matrimonial oration. You see, jokes are essential for diffusing the tension of an emotionally charged event. It’s like being a stand-up comedian, but your audience is in formal wear and half of them are sobbing.
A good one-liner can bring the house down, or at least prevent the groom’s mother from fainting due to wedding-induced stress. Plus, everyone expects the best man to be the life of the party; a few chuckles can go a long way to secure your spot as the legendary best man, as opposed to the guy who reads Bible verses for 10 minutes. So, let the Best Man Speech Jokes fly, because if you can’t make fun of a guy at his own wedding, when can you?!
Best Man Jokes
Let us now read the funniest Best Man Speech jokes ever:
- Someone suggested to include audience participation. So [Bride], put your hand on the table. [Groom] put your hand on top of [bride’s]. Don’t they look lovely ladies and gentlemen? (Wait for “aaaaaah” from the guests to die down) Enjoy this moment [groom]. It’s the last time you’ll ever have the upper hand.”
- Marriage is supposed to be pure and simple. And that is what we have here today. [Bride] is pure and [groom] is…..(Wait for laughs).
- Good evening, everyone. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m [Your Name], the younger, better-looking, and more charming brother of [Groom’s Name].
- Hello everyone, for those who don’t know me, I’m the Best Man, which is like being the groom but without the life sentence. Just kidding!
- You know, they say loyalty is sticking with someone through thick and thin. With [Groom’s Name], it was mostly sticking with him through thick-headed and thin-skinned.”
- I’m sure they will enjoy their honeymoon in Wales! (They are not going to Wales and so everyone looks at you confused, and then you turn to the groom) What? You said you were going to bang ‘er for a week?!
- I have to say, [Groom’s Name] and I are more than just cousins; we’re also friends. Which is a polite way of saying our parents forced us to hang out until we actually started to like each other.
- I’ve been told that being a Best Man is like being a journalist. You gather facts, say a few lies, and try to make it entertaining. Oh, and you can never reveal your sources.
- I have to say, [Bride’s Name], you look absolutely stunning today. I asked [Groom’s Name] how he managed to win the heart of someone so out of his league. He said, ‘I asked her to marry me before she could see me in my bowling outfit.’
- Now, [Groom’s Name] and I have been best friends since we were kids. And as kids, we made a pact to be each other’s Best Man. I still can’t believe he held me to a promise I made when I still believed in the Tooth Fairy.
- Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give a big hand to the bridesmaids who look absolutely stunning tonight, and have done an excellent job pretending to laugh at my jokes for the past five minutes.
- And now that you’re a married man, I think we should make an agreement. I’ll stop hitting on your sister if you’ll stop hitting on my mom.
- They say a great marriage is founded on strong communication. So, I’ve prepared some flashcards for [Groom’s Name]—they read: ‘Yes, dear,’ ‘You’re absolutely right,’ and ‘I couldn’t agree more.’
- They say a dog is a man’s best friend due to loyalty, but [Groom’s Name], even a golden retriever would question following you on some of your bachelor night escapades.
- So, [Groom’s Name] and I have had some time to bond as brothers-in-law. I’ve taught him important things like how to dodge family gatherings and how to pretend you’re good at DIY stuff. In return, he’s promised to always bring the good beer to family picnics.
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- People often ask, ‘What’s it like being the older brother?’ Well, you have to be a role model, a mentor, and then get out of the way when he starts beating you at everything.
- I was honored to be asked as Best Man today. But then [Groom’s Name] told me that I was the ‘best man’ he could get on such short notice. I’ll take it.
- When [Groom’s Name] asked me to be his Best Man, he gave me some advice about this speech. ‘Just be yourself,’ he said. But if I were being myself, I’d be sitting there enjoying someone else stumbling through this speech. So here’s to pretending!
- Ladies and gentlemen. We are gathered here today to recognize something magical. Something that has seemingly disappeared in our society. Something so rare and beautiful, we have come together to partake and share in the joy it gives off. I am of course talking about the open bar.
- When it comes to loyalty, [Groom’s Name], you’re second to none. You’ve been rooting for the same losing sports team year after year. If you can bring even half that level of blind faith to your marriage, [Bride’s Name], you’re a lucky woman!
- Being best friends with [Groom’s Name] is like having a personal life coach, financial advisor, and therapist, all rolled into one. The only difference is he’s unqualified for all those positions, but that’s never stopped us before!
- [Bride’s Name], you have truly made [Groom’s Name] the happiest man in the world tonight. You’ve agreed to spend the rest of your life with him, which really takes the pressure off the rest of us.
- In all seriousness, gaining [Groom’s Name] as a brother-in-law has been like finding a rare, valuable treasure. And by that, I mean he actually volunteers to help with the dishes at family gatherings.
- My cousin here has always had big dreams. He dreamed of being an astronaut, then a firefighter, and then a rock star. Today, he’s settling down with [Bride’s Name], and that’s the first dream we all actually believe he can handle.
- [Groom’s Name], we’ve been best friends for so long, I’ve seen you go through phases. From your ‘boy band member’ phase to your ‘maybe I can pull off a goatee’ phase. Thankfully, you’ve finally entered your ‘happily married man’ phase, and I think it suits you best.
- He’s always been protective of me. I remember he used to scare away the bullies when we were kids. Of course, the bullies were usually his friends, but hey, it’s the thought that counts.
- They say loyalty is the best measure of friendship. Well, [Groom’s Name] has been using the same cologne since high school, so if that’s not loyalty, or at least a case for a new Christmas gift, I don’t know what is.
- I’ve always thought that bridesmaids are like the Secret Service of weddings. They surround the bride, ready to take action in case of emergencies like a mascara meltdown or a groom getting cold feet.
- [Groom’s Name], marriage isn’t like a Twenty20 match; it’s more like a Test series. It’s long, there will be some difficult phases, but it’s all worth it in the end. Plus, you both get to wear white!
- To [Bride’s Name], who has successfully turned [Groom’s Name] from a bachelor into a one-woman man. It’s like taming a wild animal, but without the use of snacks… or maybe with snacks, I don’t know what you guys are into.
- The most unforgettable moment in life is when you meet the person who makes you feel complete. The person who makes the world a beautiful place. The person with whom you share a bond so special that it transcends normal relationships and becomes something so pure, so wonderful, that you can’t imagine spending another day of your life without them… For [Groom], that moment happened freshman year of college when he met me. But a few years later he met [Bride] and eh – she’s, you know, she’s alright too.
- I was chatting with some of the bridesmaids earlier, and they shared some marriage advice for [Groom’s Name]. They said the key to a happy marriage is to nod your head and say, ‘Yes, dear.’ That’s not just marriage advice; that’s a survival tactic!
- [Groom’s Name], you’ve come a long way from the kid who used to trade me his dessert for my broccoli at family dinners. Today, you’ve hit the jackpot with [Bride’s Name]. No take-backs!
- [Groom’s Name] is such an NBA fan, he tried to convince [Bride’s Name] to let him wear a jersey to the wedding. And [Bride’s Name], you’re the real MVP for saying no.
- If [Groom’s Name] applies the same strategy to marriage as he does to fantasy football, [Bride’s Name], prepare to be meticulously analyzed, obsessively managed, and cheered on every Sunday.
- They say that marriage is about finding the person you want to grow old with. For [Groom’s Name], that was easy. He’s been practicing by growing up with me!
- When [Groom] decided to get married he called up the smartest friend he had and asked him to be the best man. But that fellow declined. He then called up the most fun friend he had. But he too declined. Then he decided to call up the most handsome friend of his and I told him to stop calling dammit. This is the 3rd time. I’ll be your best man!
- [Groom], in challenging times, say this poem: Roses are red, violets are blue, I am sorry, It’s all my fault.
- As cousins, we’ve been through many ‘firsts’ together: first bike ride, first camping trip, first detention. And now, his first marriage. So if you mess this up, man, I won’t be there for the second. Just kidding… or am I?
- Ah, yes, my older brother—living proof that ‘elder’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘wiser.’ But, it does mean ‘first to get married,’ so hats off to him.
- [Groom’s Name] has been waiting for this day for a long time. In fact, he’s been planning his wedding since he was a little kid. I remember him marrying off his G.I. Joes to Barbie dolls just to get some practice.
- You know, they say a good hockey player plays where the puck is, but a great one plays where the puck is going to be. [Groom’s Name], you’ve found someone who’ll skate by your side, no matter where the puck lands.
- Ladies and gentlemen, for those who don’t know me, I’m [Your Name]. I’d like to think of myself as the Best Man today, or as [Groom’s Name] calls me during a cricket match, his ‘opening partner’ in the game of life.
- Ladies and gentlemen, for those who don’t know me, I’m [Your Name], the original version. This is [Groom’s Name], the ‘sequel.’ And as we all know, the sequel is never quite as good as the original.
- Look, I have to admit, I was surprised when [Groom’s Name] asked me to be his Best Man. Not because we’re not close, but because he’s so competitive, I thought he’d take both roles himself!
- Marriage is a lot like football. It requires teamwork, you gain a few yards at a time, and occasionally you get a time-out. But just like football, the goal is to keep pushing forward until you score!
- I’ve always been told that marriage is about compromise. Kind of like when [Groom’s Name] insists he landed on the green, but we all saw it go in the water.
- It’s been said that the best man’s speech should only be as long as it takes for the groom to orgasm during sex. So, have a great night everybody. (And you sit down).
- I’ve requested a picture of the happy couple on their honeymoon. Preferably mounted but at the very least holding hands.
- OK, so I thought I’d start with ‘I will now do my best to give [Groom] the six most uncomfortable minutes of his life, and the six most uncomfortable minutes of [Bride]’s life will be coming up this evening, courtesy of [Groom].
Do you have a funny best man’s speech joke? Write down your own funny speech puns in the comment section below!