50 Funny Groom Speech Jokes to Win Over Wedding Guests

The groom speech: that time-honored tradition where the groom grabs a microphone, clears his throat nervously, and tries not to humiliate himself in front of family, friends, and that one weird uncle everyone warned him about. It’s the verbal equivalent of a high-wire act. Too sappy, and you’ll hear groans. Too short, and people will think you didn’t even try. This is not just another toast; it’s the emotional climax of the wedding reception. If movies have taught us anything, it’s that a groom’s speech should be written by an Oscar-winning screenwriter, delivered like Denzel, and revered like the halftime pep talk in every sports movie ever.

That’s where Groom Speech Jokes come in! Because let’s be honest, weddings can be long affairs. By the time you stand up to speak, folks have been through appetizers, entrées, and maybe even a slide show set to a Kenny G soundtrack. People need a pick-me-up. And nothing wakes up a room faster than a well-timed joke. These groom speech jokes include everyone – from you and your bride’s sisters, brother, and parents to the rest of the lot including the best man and the bridesmaids.

Humor adds sparkle to your words and keeps the audience on their toes. You don’t want your love story to sound like a quarterly report on dishwasher sales, do you? So, toss in a joke or three. Make ’em laugh. Trust us, it’s the best way to ensure that your wedding day will be remembered for all the right reasons—and not because Uncle Bob dozed off and snored through your declarations of eternal love.

Best Groom Jokes for Speech

Add these one-liners and puns in your groom speech to woo your wedding guest:

1. I remember the first time I met [Father of the Bride’s Name], he took me aside and gave me some advice. He said, ‘Son, marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.’ Don’t worry, sir, I got the message—loud and clear!”
2. Let’s give it up for our ushers! Those are the guys you saw on your way in, showing you to your seats—kind of like the flight attendants of the wedding world, but without the peanuts and tiny cans of soda.
3. The first time I ever set eyes on the [Bride’s Name], I was awestruck by her looks – to me she was ‘drop dead gorgeous’, I said to her ‘you’re gorgeous’, she said ‘drop dead!’
4. I learned very early on just how close [Bride’s Name] and her mother are. During one of our first dates, she told me to hold on because she had to call her mom. I thought she was joking. Three hours later, they’re still talking, and I’ve memorized the entire menu of the restaurant. Thank you, [Mother of the Bride’s Name], for finally hanging up so I could learn if I was getting a second date!”
5. [Bride’s Name] says she loves me more every day. I told her that at this rate, she’ll soon reach a point where she can’t stand to be without me for even a second. She said she’s already there but will give me five minutes today to talk to my buddies.
6. I want to thank my parents, who have been married for [number of years] years and have set an incredible example. I asked them for their secret to a long-lasting marriage. They handed me earplugs and a blindfold. Love you, Mom and Dad.
7. [Younger Brother’s Name] has been so welcoming since day one. He gave me the most heartfelt advice on joining the family. He said, ‘Bro, you’re cool and all, but if you make my sister cry, I have a black belt in remote control throwing.’ Duly noted, my man, duly noted.
8. I want to thank everyone for coming to what I like to call ‘The Sequel.’ You know, sequels are always a bit controversial—some people think they can never be as good as the original, but others think they’re a chance to correct the mistakes of the first one. I’m just glad there’s no option for a reboot!
9. They say practice makes perfect, and after last night’s rehearsal dinner, I can confidently say we’ve mastered the art of pretending to know how to cut a wedding cake.
10. Now, I want to give a shoutout to my Best Man, [Best Man’s Name]. He’s been my confidant, my wingman, and my therapist. And after tonight, he will also be my debt collector because have you seen the bar tab?
11. I know the bridesmaids have put in a lot of effort into looking good today, but I’m here to tell you, ladies, it was all in vain. Nobody could ever outshine my beautiful bride. But hey, second place is still good
12. If I’ve learned anything from being with [Bride’s Name], it’s that she’s always right. Even when she’s wrong, she’s ’emotionally right,’ which I’ve learned is a completely different category of being right that men know nothing about.
13. Let’s not forget [Older Sister’s Name], the original role model for [Bride’s Name]. She taught her so many important life skills—like how to expertly dodge chores and blame it on the sibling. Thanks to her, I now have a wife who can ‘disappear’ every time the garbage needs taking out.
14. To my friends who couldn’t make it, thanks for sending your well wishes and apologies. By the way, your portions of the cake will be mailed to you. Expect a very squished box in 5-7 business days.
15. My parents are incredible people. They’ve always been there for me. Literally. They even followed me on my first date with [Bride’s Name]. We thought we were being tailed by the FBI, but it was just Mom and Dad in oversized sunglasses and a baseball cap.
16. I have to thank [Younger Sister’s Name] for helping me survive my first ‘Meet the Parents’ dinner. She sent me a text under the table that read: ‘If you want to impress them, mention your 401(k) and pretend you like dad’s jokes.’ Worked like a charm.
17. Getting to know [Bride’s Name] meant getting to know [Twin Brother’s Name] too. It’s like studying for two exams at once. The good news is, I think I’ve passed. The bad news is, I still can’t tell their childhood photos apart. I just nod and say, ‘Wow, you both look so cute!’
18. They say that bridesmaids are like the GPS of the wedding—always there to point you in the right direction, especially when it comes to avoiding disastrous hairstyle choices and horrific dance moves. Thanks for keeping us all on the right track.
19. Dad taught me some valuable lessons about love. For instance, the words ‘Yes, Dear’ are the key to marital bliss. And if you forget your anniversary, the doghouse isn’t as uncomfortable as you’d think.
20. I’ve got to say, the wedding feels a little different the second time around. The first time, I was nervous about the little things, like tripping over my vows. This time, I’m just glad I remembered where the church is!

Recommended: Best Man Speech Jokes

21. I owe a lot to my Best Man. In fact, if it weren’t for [Best Man’s Name], I might not be standing here today. He’s the one who taught me the secret to a happy relationship: Always have the last word, and make sure that last word is ‘Sorry.’
22. [Bride’s Name] is so punctual; she’s never late for anything. She even starts worrying about being late while she’s still early. I think our future is going to be meticulously planned and extremely punctual. Our first child will probably be born saying, ‘Am I late?’
23. If the wedding is anything like the rehearsal dinner, we’re in for a good time. The food, the drinks, the awkward speeches—it’s like a family holiday, but with better table settings.
24. “Let’s all give it up for [Elder Brother’s Name], the original ‘Gatekeeper.’ I had to answer three riddles and beat him at arm wrestling just to be granted an audience with his sister. Thankfully, he didn’t ask me to climb a tower or slay a dragon—those are in the advanced tests, I hear.
25. [Father of the Bride’s Name], you’ve been like a second father to me. Or rather, a financial advisor, mechanic, DIY expert, and occasional golf buddy all rolled into one. So, if I make any mistakes, just remember—you’re partially to blame!
26. Some of our dearest friends couldn’t be here tonight, but they sent their love and some truly unforgettable text messages—most of which are better read when not standing next to my new in-laws.
27. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a very emotional day. Even the cake’s in tiers…!
28. [Bride’s Name] is a firm believer in ‘retail therapy.’ And by that, I mean she goes to therapy, finds out it’s my fault, and then goes shopping to feel better.”
29. [Younger Sister’s Name] has been practicing for months to catch the bouquet tonight. So, ladies, consider this your fair warning: you’re competing against someone who’s been doing wrist exercises and has studied the aerodynamics of flower-throwing. May the odds be ever in your favor.
30. The bridesmaids have been like the secret service agents of this wedding. They’ve guarded [Bride’s Name] from stress, shielded her from bad advice, and screened all her calls. I’m considering hiring you all full-time.
31. When we first started dating, [Bride’s Name] told me that communication is key. So now, we have a very open dialogue about how I’m always wrong. It’s quite enlightening.
32. I want to thank [Mother of the Bride’s Name] for raising such a wonderful daughter. She taught her everything: how to be kind, how to be thoughtful, and how to be patient. And let’s not forget, how to dissect every single word a man says. I’m pretty sure that when I said ‘I do,’ [Bride’s Name] heard ‘I do… promise to never leave my socks on the floor, take out the trash without being asked, and always, always agree that your mother is right.’
33. [Best Man’s Name] is so trustworthy, I even let him plan my bachelor party. Of course, that was before I found out it would involve bungee jumping and a petting zoo. Let’s just say it was a wild ride in more ways than one.
34. A big shout-out to [Older Sister’s Name]. She’s the one who’s been vetting me from day one. Our first meeting felt like a job interview. There were background checks, personality quizzes, and a lie detector test—or at least it felt that way. Happy to report, I got the job!
35. [Bride’s Name] is great with directions; she can find her way anywhere. Except for the laundry room—somehow, that place remains a mystery to her.
36. A big thank you to all the bridesmaids for planning such a memorable bachelorette party for [Bride’s Name]. I wasn’t there, of course, but I did see some interesting props lying around the house. I’m looking forward to the explanation.
37. They say that when you marry someone, you marry their family too. Well, if that’s the case, I hit the jackpot twice. I got a beautiful, loving wife and in-laws who are already showing me how to up my BBQ game and Pinterest-worthy home decor. What more could a guy ask for?
38. When I asked [Elder Brother’s Name] for his sister’s hand in marriage, he said, ‘Are you sure you can handle her?’ I thought it was a cautionary statement until he handed me a survival kit with earplugs and a bottle of aspirin. So far, so good!
39. I asked [Bride’s Name] what her dream destination was for our honeymoon. She said, ‘Anywhere, as long as you’re there.’ I told her that’s sweet because my dream destination is anywhere with free Wi-Fi. We’re still negotiating.
40. When [Younger Brother’s Name] found out his sister was getting married, he had only one concern: ‘Does this mean I get her room?’ Well, buddy, you might have to negotiate that with your parents, but if it helps, you can have all my old baseball cards.
41. Let’s hear it for [Twin Brother’s Name], the man who knows [Bride’s Name] so well, they literally shared a womb. I’ve been told they even had a secret language as kids. I’ve tried learning it, but it turns out, ‘Don’t mess this up, bro,’ sounds the same in every language.
42. I learned very quickly that ‘Do you want to watch a romantic comedy?’ is [Bride’s Name]’s code for ‘We are watching a romantic comedy.’ Now, I not only know who Hugh Grant is, but I also have strong opinions on his best roles.
43. You know you’re part of the family when the older sister starts asking you for tech support. [Older Sister’s Name], I promise to keep helping you with your computer problems, as long as you promise to keep telling [Bride’s Name] how amazing her choice in husband is. Deal?!
44. [Younger Sister’s Name] told me the quickest way to her sister’s heart was through her stomach. So, I tried cooking dinner for [Bride’s Name] one night. After that culinary disaster, [Younger Sister’s Name] handed me a stack of takeout menus and said, ‘Let’s keep this our little secret.’
45. [Bride’s Name] once said that marriage is all about compromise. For instance, she wanted a cat, and I wanted a dog. So we compromised, and now we have a cat.
46. I’ll never forget the time [Twin Sister’s Name] and [Bride’s Name] decided to switch places to test if I could tell the difference. I panicked and accidentally said, ‘Wow, honey, you look different today, did you do something new with your hair?’ Never making that mistake again!
47. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. [Bride’s Name] took that literally and first won me over with her amazing ability to order the best thing on any takeout menu. It’s a talent, really.
48. [Bride’s Mom’s Name] and [Bride’s Dad’s Name], you’ve raised a wonderful daughter, and for that, I owe you everything. Literally. Have you seen the cost of weddings these days? I think we’ll be paying this off until our golden anniversary!
49. I asked [Bride’s Name] what she loved most about me. She said, ‘Your ability to listen.’ I’m not sure what she said after that; I was too busy celebrating the compliment.
50. Our ushers have done a great job seating everyone today. And don’t worry, they’ll also be available after the ceremony to help you find your cars. No, seriously, they’ve got maps and everything.

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Do you have a funny Groom Speech Joke? Write down your own Groom jokes for speech in the comment section below!