Cats are like tiny comedians with fur coats. One moment they’re staring at you like they’ve uncovered your deepest secrets, and the next, they’re stuck inside a paper bag they thought was a portal to another dimension. Whether they’re chasing invisible enemies or knocking things off the counter just to watch you react, cats always bring a mix of chaos and laughter. And what’s better than a cat’s antics? Cat jokes, of course!
Cat jokes capture all the quirks of our feline friends and turn them into hilarious little stories. Whether it’s about their mysterious stares or their obsession with boxes, these jokes remind us why we adore their mischievous ways. So, grab a cup of milk (or tea) and let’s dive into the purr-fect world of cat jokes that are guaranteed to tickle your funny bone!
Best Cat Jokes
Why don’t cats make good burglars?
They can’t get past the laser defenses.
Did you know that dogs can’t operate an MRI machine?
But cats can.
How do you know that your cat might be a communist?
If he won’t shut up about Mao.
An American cat named “One Two Three” and a French cat named “Un Deux Trois” are having a swimming race. Which cat won?
The One Two Three cat, because the Un Deux Trois cat sank.
A wife asked her husband, “Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Well, big mistake saying, “No, it’s just you.”
What does a chemist say when his cat jumps into a pile of sand?
“Oh, you silicate!”
What kind of car does a cat drive?
Mazda Meowda.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
Why does everyone say that Cats(the movie) was bad?
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
If cats started a communist revolution, what would their leader be called?
Meow Zedong.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Cat.
(Cat who?)
Catch up!
What do libertarians and house cats have in common?
They both act like they are independent and self-sufficient but in reality, are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.
What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?
Himalayan.
Why should everybody have a cat in their house?
You can’t spell “homeowner” without “meow”.
The teacher asks, “If I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two cats, how many would you have?”
Johnny replies, “Seven.”
The teacher says, “No, listen carefully. If I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny insists, “Seven.”
The teacher tries again, “Let me make it simpler. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples, and another two apples, how many would you have?”
Johnny confidently answers, “Six.”
The teacher nods, “Good. Now, if I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny shouts, “Seven!”
The teacher throws her hands up, “Johnny, where on earth are you getting seven from?!”
Johnny grins, “Because I already have a freaking cat!”
What’s the worst thing about being a German cat?
Having no lives.
If all dogs go to heaven, where do all cats go?
Purr-gatory.
Yo mama so stupid, when she adopted a cat, she came home with a crane.
Why did the casino refuse entry to the big cat?
Because he was a cheetah!
Have you heard about a band called Missing Cat?
You’ve probably seen their posters.
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.
And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.
The cop says “You were doing 55 in a 35.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Scientists have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars!
But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and Curiosity killed the cat.
What do you call a Frenchman who has been attacked by a cat?
Claude.
What do you call a creepy cat?
A puuuur-vert.
How do you know the earth isn’t flat?
If the earth was flat, cats would knock everything off the edge.
A woman’s on vacation and calls home.
She asks her husband, “How’s my cat doing?”
The husband says, “The cat’s dead.”
The woman’s upset and says, “Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down.”
“Okay, I’m sorry,” says the husband, “I’ll remember that.”
The woman says, “Anyway, how’s my mother doing?”
The husband says, “Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.”
Did you see the wanted poster for Schrödinger’s cat?
Says it’s wanted both dead and alive.
What’s a cat’s favorite kitchen utensil?
A whisker!
What do you get when you give Schrödinger’s cat a ball of yarn?
Quantum entanglement.
Why did the chemistry student add a page containing a lion, tiger, cheetah, jaguar, lynx and leopard to speed up the reaction in their experiment?
They added a cat list.
That morning, as John was in the bathroom, he heard a knock on the door. His wife’s voice came through, sounding urgent.
“Hey, you need to hurry up. I’ve got a mountain cat situation out here!”
John, puzzled, called back, “What does that mean?”
She replied with a grin, “I’m a puma pants.”
Where does a cat go when he has lost his tail?
A retail store.
Tim’s nephew excitedly told him there were hot dogs on the table.
Without missing a beat, Tim replied, “Well, there are also cold cats.”
If a cat wanted to beat an egg, how would they do it?
With their whiskers.
A kindergarten student told his teacher that he found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked him.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” he replied innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed.
“You know”, explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move.”
Where do cats learn to clean themselves?
At a Cat Lick school.
What did the cat get charged with in court?
Purrrrrjury.
A friend said to another friend, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
The other one replied, “Cats. Cats love fish.”
What did the bilingual cat say?
“Woof.”
While trimming the hedges in his yard, John didn’t notice the outdoor neighborhood cat hiding in the bushes. As he clipped away, he accidentally cut the cat’s tail clean off. In a panic, he grabbed the cat and its severed tail, rushing to his car. He drove frantically to Walmart, hoping to find help. When he arrived, the greeter stared at him, puzzled, and asked, “Why did you bring the cat?”
John, without missing a beat, replied, “Because you’re the largest re-tailer in the world!”
Why was the cat arrested?
Littering.
What do cats do to a movie remote during a movie when one of them needs to get something?
They paws it.
A Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar…
and it doesn’t.
What did the husband say when the wife said, “Our cat was pregnant.”
“You’ve gotta be kitten me!”
It’s been found that Shakespeare had a cat.
But the breed isn’t certain.
Tabby or not tabby: that is the question.
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap.
“Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”
“France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”
Who delivers a cat’s mail?
The USPSPSPSPS.
If Matthew McConaughey had a cat, what color would it be?
All white, all white, all white.
What do you call a ship full of male cats?
Tom Cruise.
What do you give an angry cat?
A pawsifier.
Where are cats from?
Purrsia.
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”
The cat says, “A shot of rum.”
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table. “Another.”
What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
Mice cream cones.
Recommended: Cat Jokes for Adults
What did the Vet say to the cat?
“How are you feline?”
What if the Earth was flat?
Cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Cats are like territorial witches.
To make you theirs, they’ll put a smell on you.
What cats like playing golf?
Tiger Woods.
What do you call a cat with eight legs?
An octo-puss.
A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. “That’s Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe,” they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, “Where on Earth did you get those names?”
“Oh, those are their last names,” the owner said. “Their first names are Cat.”
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn’t legal, obviously.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
Pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male.
What do you call a cat that’s not allowed in the house?
Purr-sona non grata.
What did the tiger get when it graduated?
A certifi-cat.
What do you call a cat that writes code?
A purr-ogrammer.
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
“My cat is very fat,” she says.
“Alright,” says the vet. “I will look at him.”
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I’m very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down.”
“Oh no! Because he’s so fat?”
“Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired.”
What does a French cat say?
“LMAO.”
Dog: My owner takes care of me, feeds me and pets me. He must be a god.
Cat: My owner takes care of me, feeds me and pets me. I must be a god.
Recommended: Black Cat Jokes
Johnny had two cats in his lap and was petting both.
Both his hands were occupied, so he was at maximum CatPatcity.
What did the golden cat say?
“MeAu!”
What is a kitten’s most reliable news source?
Cat 6 Cable.
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, “You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a minute and replied, “All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, all our lives we’ve had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we’d never have to run again.” God said, “It is done!” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”
The cat replied, “Oh, I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you’ve been sending over here are delicious!”
What do you call a feline that is in a stupor?
Cat-atonic.
What do you call a boat made of cat shit?
A caturdamaran.
What does ‘Cat’s got your tongue’ mean?
You go Mewt.
Yo mama so ugly, even Hello Kitty said good bye.
What sound do Finnish cats make?
Purr-kele.
A man called Animal Welfare today and said, “I’ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens.”
“That’s terrible,” she replied, “Are they moving?”
“I’m not sure, to be honest,” the man said, “But if they were that would explain the suitcase!”
What brand of mouthwash do cats prefer?
Hissterine.
How do you call eight cats?
Octopuss.
What does an impressed kitten say?
“Mewow!”
Recommended: Christmas Cat Jokes
Where do kittens get milk?
Catnips.
A Yorkshireman walks into a vet and says “Ey up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It’s not bin its sen lately.”
“Sure.” says the vet. “First things first, Is it a Tom?”
“Nah,” he replies “I’ve got it ‘ere wi me”
Wanted: Schrodinger’s Cat.
Dead and Alive.
What do you call a large cat that you pay?
A fee-lion.
What do you call a cat from outer space?
An extrapurrestrial.
Do you have a funny cat joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
