Long ago in ancient China, there was a wise man named Confucius who shared deep thoughts about life, family, and how to be a good human. His sayings were serious and full of wisdom, but of course, the internet had other plans. Somewhere along the way, people started adding silly twists to his name, creating what we now call Confucius Say Jokes, and let’s just say, Confucius probably didn’t see that coming.

These jokes pretend to be wise like Confucius, but then take a wild turn into pure nonsense. It’s like dressing a chicken in a scholar’s robe; it starts smart, then flaps around in madness. That’s the charm! Confucius Say Jokes have become a sneaky way to make people laugh while pretending you’re dropping knowledge bombs.

Best Confucius Say Jokes

Confucius say, “Man who run behind car get exhausted Man who run in front of car get tired.”
Confucius say, “Man who not poop for many days must take care of back log.”
Confucius say, “Two bald men who sit next to each other… make an a$$ of themselves.”
Confucius say, “Woman who put man in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.”
Confucius say, “Man who take girl on camping trip has one intent.”
Confucius say, “Many man bite but Fu Manchu.”
Confucius say, “He who makes a mistake in an elevator is wrong on many levels.”
Confucius say, “Man who hurts another gets charged with battery. Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.”
Confucius say, “Man drunk in cemetery make grave mistakes.”
Confucius say, “It’s better to be knocked down and held up… than held down and knocked up.”
Confucius say, “To quiet the herd, one must shut the flock up.”
Confucius say, “Man who sleep in middle of the road might wake up feeling a little rundown.”
Confucius say, “Fool stuck on broken escalator gets a lot of stairs.”
Confucius say, “What does a man low on patience need? Wait training.”
Confucius say, “Man who leap from cliff… jump to conclusion.”
Confucius say, “He who run under birdie get pooped.”
Confucius say, “Man with Hard problem, give it to Women.”
Confucius say, “War doesn’t determine who is right. War determines who is left.”
Confucius say, “It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.”
Confucius say, “Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.”
Confucius say, “It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.”
Confucius say, “Baseball wrong! Man with 4 balls cannot walk.”
Confucius say, “Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have sh*tty time.”
Confucius say, “Woman who put dish soap on top shelf jump for Joy.”
Confucius say, “Man with fly on testicles, learn violence not always answer.”

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Confucius say, “Man who throws clock, watches time fly.”
Confucius say, “Man who wants beautiful nurse, needs to be patient.”
Confucius say, “Man who eat cookies in bed have a crummy night.”
Confucius say, “Man who drive like Hell bound to get there.”
Confucius say, “Confucius say, is good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl.”
Confucius say, “Man who fart in church, sit in own pew.”
Confucius say, “Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.”
Confucius say, “Confucius say man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.”
Confucius say, “Man who run fast into turnstile at airport going to Bangkok.”
Confucius say, “Man with skirt up runs faster than man with pants down.”
Confucius say, “Man who cut self too often while shaving lose face.”
Confucius say, “Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.”
Confucius say, “Man who put head in drink get punch in face.”
Confucius say, “A man who catches fish in other man’s hole, catches crab.”
Confucius say, “Confucius say man with d*ck in peanut butter is f*cking nuts.”
Confucius say, “He who wear corduroy underwear to bed wake up feeling groovy.”
Confucius say, “Buy a man an airplane ticket and he flies once. Throw a man out of an airplane and he flies for the rest of his life.”
Confucius say, “Man with hands in pockets feel silly, but man with holes in pockets feel nuts.”
Confucius say, “Man who move back to Asia get reoriented.”
Confucius say, “Better to have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
Confucius say, “Man filling tart with cream, not necessarily baker.”
Confucius say, “Early bird gets worm, But second mouse gets cheese.”
Confucius say, “Man who dream of sailing wake up with hand on mast and foam on chest.”
Confucius say, “Good woman do 70 chores around house: cooking, and 69.”
Confucius say, “In house made of glass, use bathroom in basement.”

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Confucius say, “Man who make love on grass has peace on earth.”
Confucius say, “Man with no front garden look forlorn.”
Confucius say, “If all about you lose their head, you be tallest in room.”
Confucius say, “Man who j*zz in bank vault come into a lot of money.”
Confucius say, “It take square a$$ to sh*t a brick.”
Confucius say, “To make eggroll, push with finger.”
Confucius say, “He who sit on tack is better off.”
Confucius say, “Man who hang onto top of car get winded.”
Confucius say, “Place to look for helping hand is at end of one’s own arm.”
Confucius say, “Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.”
Confucius say, “Bad breath better than no breath at all.”
Confucius say, “Woman who sits on general’s lap, get honorable discharge…”
Confucius say, “Who say all those things they say I say?”
Confucius say, “Squirrel who run up woman’s skirt will not find nuts.”
Confucius say, “Man with hand up woman’s skirt during period will get caught red-handed.”
Confucius say, “Man who go to sleep with question of s*x on mind, wakes up with solution in hand.”
Confucius say, “Two wrongs don’t make right. Two rights make U-turn.”
Confucius say, “Just because she swallows, doesn’t mean she’s hungry.”
Confucius say, “Crowded elevator smell much different to midget.”
Confucius say, “Prostitute who like bondage is usually strapped for cash.”
Confucius say, “Woman who dances in jock strap has imaginary ball room.”
Confucius say, “Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.”
Confucius say, “Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.”
Confucius say, “Man who piss into the wind wear yellow shoes.”
Confucius say, “Man with good hindsight make good proctologist.”

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Confucius say, “Man who takes viagra and laxatives at the same time, not know if going or coming.”
Confucius say, “Oral s*x make your day; an@l s*x make your hole weak.”
Confucius say, “Flowers on your piano not as good as tulips on your organ.”
Confucius say, “Difference between camping and being homeless is intent.”
Confucius say, “Man who go up hill with young lady, not on level.”
Confucius say, “Masturbation is very useful; may come in handy.”
Confucius say, “Female acrobat pilot who flies upside down will have crack up.”
Confucius say, “Naked man doing pushups in long grass very suspicious.”
Confucius say, “Man who shave nut sack with straight razor will not have a ball.”
Confucius say, “V*rginity like giant bubble, one prick, all gone.”
If a man shaves his a$$h0le, is he gay? Confucius say, “Man who cleans house expects a visitor.”
Confucius say, “He who wear mask alone in car also wear condom alone in bed.”
Confucius say, “Man who stick d*ck in biscuit tin is f*cking crackers.”
Confucius say, “Wife not part of furniture until screwed on bed.”
Confucius say, “Man who put p*nis in potato is dictator.”
Confucius say, “Man who date Dynamite women get Big Bang out of her.”
Confucius say, “Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night.”
Confucius say, “Man who lay women on ground, get piece at night.”
Confucius say, “Man with athletic finger, Make broad Jump.”
Confucius say, “Man with a hole in head, absent minded.”

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Confucius say, “With great power, comes great electricity bill.”
Confucius say, “A p*nis is the only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.”
Confucius say, “To prevent hangover stay drunk!”
Confucius say, “People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.”
Confucius say, “Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.”
Confucius say, “Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.”
Confucius say, “Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.”
Confucius say, “Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.”
Confucius say, “Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.”
Confucius say, “Electrician get much angry when find shorts in wife’s bedroom.”

Do you have a funny Confucius Say Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!