99 Funny Jesus Jokes And Puns About Christ

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Jessica Amlee


Jesus Christ stands at the heart of Christianity, a figure of immense religious significance and a symbol of peace, love, and salvation for billions around the world. His teachings, parables, and life story have been passed down through millennia, forming the bedrock of faith for countless followers. He’s known not just for his spiritual guidance but for his acts of compassion and miracles that have been recounted in churches, books, and around dinner tables in every corner of the globe. His enduring influence has crossed over from the sacred texts to become a part of cultural discussions, art, and yes, even humor, where the lighter side of spirituality finds its expression.

Jokes about Jesus Christ tread a very delicate line, blending reverence with a touch of playfulness. They’re often crafted not to offend but to bring a human touch to the divine, adding a wink and a nod to the characters and stories that are so well-known. Such humor can serve to remind us of the joy and humanity in the teachings of Jesus, finding a common ground where laughter joins believers and non-believers alike. The key is a gentle approach, one that highlights the universality of his message with a chuckle that even St. Peter might crack a smile at.

Best Jesus Christ Jokes

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won’t leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won’t reject you (John 6:37), and won’t leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
So in essence, Jesus is…never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

If a pro-lifer asks, “What if Mary aborted Jesus”?
Replying, “It would have sped things along” isn’t the answer they were looking for.

Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday, and rose on Easter.
What are the odds?!?!

Jesus died for your sins.
But did He stay dead?
At most, He lost a weekend for your sins.

There’s a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.
Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figured he might want to try putting out a YouTube video to drum up some business.
He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson’s company. He tells Johnson to come back the next week.
The next week rolls around, and Johnson goes back to see what kind of ad Jim has put together for him. Jim has Johnson sit down and pops in a USB drive.
A scene of the crucifixion of Jesus comes on. He’s screaming in agony as a Roman centurion hammers away at his wrists. The Roman stops, turns to the camera, smiles, and says, “You always know you’re doing the job right when you use Johnson nails!”
Johnson is irate. He yells at Jim, accusing him of trying to run him out of business. Jim manages to calm Johnson down and begs for another chance. Reluctantly, Johnson agrees, and they set up a meeting for next week.
Johnson shows up to the meeting expecting to be disappointed, despite Jim’s assurances that this time everything will be fine. Jim pops in a USB drive and the scene begins. It’s a beautiful desert scene, the blue sky merging perfectly with the rolling dunes. Suddenly, a naked, bearded man comes running from off-screen, being followed closely by a pack of Roman centurions. The camera pans in on the group, and one of them, sweating and panting says sadly, “I guess we should have used Johnson nails.”

Last night a local church was robbed. Miraculously the golden Jesus on the cross was left behind.
They took everything that wasn’t nailed down.

What’s the difference between Jesus and Bono?
Jesus doesn’t think he’s Bono.

Yo mama so fat, Jesus couldn’t lift her spirit.

Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses are all playing golf.
Mohammed tees up first, hits it nice, and straight onto the green. Moses tees up with a nice clean shot, and his ball also lands a few yards from the hole.
Jesus tees up and completely whiffs it. The ball rolls a few inches off the tee.
Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, grabs the ball in its mouth, and takes off toward the hole. When it’s about halfway there, a hawk swoops down out of the sky, grabs the gopher in its talons, and starts flying toward the hole.
Just as the hawk flies over the green, a lightning bolt blazes down from the sky and strikes it. As it falls to the ground, it drops the gopher, who drops the ball. The ball hits the ground and rolls right into the hole.
Jesus starts swearing, then looks up at the sky and shouts, “Dad! It’s only a game!”

Jesus walks into an inn carrying three nails.
He says to the innkeeper, “Can you put me up for the night?”

If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion,
They would call it crucifact.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
This pregnant virgin, her husband, a magical star and three kings.
(Oh, uh, awkward – we’re kinda busy, but try that barn over there.)

Jesus may have walked on water,
But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.

Why does Jesus Look so sad?
Because he high-fived with both hands and his disciples left him hanging.

A 16-year-old boy passes his driver’s test and gets his license.
He says to his father, “Dad, I’ve got my license now, and I want the keys to the car.”
“You’re not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church again.”
The boy doesn’t like any of this, but he complies because he really wants those keys.
Then one Sunday morning, on their way home from church, he says to his father, “Dad, Jesus had long hair, and he had loser friends!”
“Yeah. And everywhere he went, he walked!”

What happened to the computer file that didn’t believe in Jesus?
It wasn’t saved.

How did Jesus maintain his killer abs?
Cross Fit.

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?
“I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”

Yo mama so old, she knew Jesus’s great great great great grandma when she was a baby.

Why did Jesus cross the road?
He came back from the other side.

A man is playing golf but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the Lord’s name in vain.
“Jesus’s Christ! Missed again!” The golfer shouts in anger. “You mustn’t swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you.” The priest explains. But the man doesn’t listen.
His next shot is even further off. “Jesus Christ! Missed again.” The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, how the man mustn’t use the Lord’s name in vain.
“Jesus Christ! Missed again!” The man yells, until a massive storm cloud appears, and a lightning bolt shoots down and zaps the priest, turning him into a pile of dust. The man hears a loud voice come from the sky, “Jesus Christ! Missed again!”

What’s Jesus’ Myers-Briggs personality type?

Why is Jesus not in a relationship?
Because he is still hung up on his X.

Why was the night Jesus was born so quiet?
Mary was giving Joseph the silent treatment for not booking a room in advance.

What sport did Jesus play?

Do you know why the gates of heaven are always left open?
Cause Jesus was born in a barn.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Jesus Christ, I’m come here to save you.
(Save me from what?)
From whatever I’m gonna to do you if you don’t let me in.

Did you know that the Black Panther movie is talked about in the Bible?
Yes. When Jesus was able to Wakanda water.

Yo mama so tall, she did a backflip and kicked Jesus in the eye.

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?
“I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”

What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A Christler. Oh no. He drove a Honda. But he didn’t like talking about it.
John 12:49:
For I did not speak of my own Accord.

Did you know that Jesus was actually crucified for starting fires everywhere?
He died for arsons.

Why did Jesus call so many fishermen to become apostles?
He was always looking for a net prophet.

Recommended: Angel Jokes

Why was Jesus so pale?
Cos tan is a sin.

Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?
Jesus: The what?
Judas: The supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?

Yo mama so old, she owes Jesus £5.

If Christ were alive today, how do you know he’d have a huge retirement account?
Because Jesus saves.

What do Jesus, Columbus, Washington, Lincoln, and MLK have in common?
They were all born on holidays.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Jesus who?)
Jesus Christ open the door.

Why can’t Jesus work in a kitchen?
Because of cross contamination.

Did you know that Mary became rich after giving birth to Jesus?
She made a prophet!

Jesus and the Devil have a competition.
The Devil had had enough of Jesus being in the spotlight for so long. He challenged Jesus to compose the longest tale on Microsoft Word and win. Jesus agrees, and they begin.
After hours and hours of feverish typing, the power goes out. The Devil is enraged, but Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power is restored, he restarts his computer and loses all of his work, only to see Jesus calmly typing from where he left off. Lucifer is furious, accusing Jesus of being a liar, before God intervenes and declares Jesus the victor.
What is the moral of the story? Jesus saves.

Recommended: Devil Jokes

Why doesn’t Jesus trust mankind?
He’s afraid he’ll get double crossed.

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?
It’s a non-prophet organization.

What was the name of the place Jesus went to exercise?
Jehova’s Fitness.

Yo mama so fat, when Jesus said let there be light he asked her to move out of the way!

What was Jesus’ favorite type of ham?

Why is Jesus not so great at video games?
He takes 3 days to respawn.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: A table for 26, please.
Headwaiter: But there’s only . . . um, 13 of you.
Jesus: Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?
Jesus can make them both wine.

Do you know how we know Jesus was Jewish?
He lived with his parents until he was 30. He worked for his father. His mother treated him like a god. And he still thinks his mother was a virgin.

Jesus opened a brewery. Do you know what he called it?

Yo mama so old, she sat beside Jesus in the third grade.

Why didn’t Jesus walk on water after his resurrection?
It’s a hell of a lot harder to with holes in your feet.

What do floppy disks and Jesus have in common?
They both died to become the icons of saving.

Why do we color Easter eggs?
Because Jesus dyed for your sins.

Recommended: Easter Jokes

What direction did Jesus go when he rose?
Gotta assume East, otherwise we would be celebrating Wester.

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools!

Aliens come to Earth. They arrive in peace and, surprisingly, speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to talk with the aliens, so a meeting with our new visitors is scheduled. When it is time for the Pope to speak, he asks, “Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”
“You mean JC?” the alien asks. “Of course, we are familiar with him. Isn’t he the greatest ever? Every year, he pays us a visit to see that we are doing well “.
Surprised, the Pope responds: “He comes every year?! We’ve been waiting for his SECOND coming for nearly two millennia!”
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize, “Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”
The pope retorts, “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”
The alien says, “Yea when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?”

Why do Japanese Christians offer rice wine to Jesus?
For christ’s sake.

Have you heard about the Baby Jesus phone plan?
It has immaculate reception.

How do you exclude a Christian?
Include everybody like Jesus would do.

Yo mama so fat, Jesus could only forgive half her sins.

Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because they’re not self-centered.

Why was Jesus allowed to join two frats?
Because he’s both Alpha and Omega.

Recommended: Asian Jokes

What were Jesus Christ’s pronouns?

A burglar breaks into a house one night. As he sneaks around the living room looking for things to steal, he hears a voice. “Jesus is watching you.” The burglar stops for a second, then tells himself it was only his imagination. He starts putting items in his bag, then he hears the voice again. “Jesus is watching you.” Now he is becoming suspicious but continues going through drawers looking for valuables. Then he hears the voice a third time. “Jesus is watching you.”
“Who said that?” The burglar shines his flashlight around the room and sees a parrot in the corner of the room. “It’s me, Moses,” the parrot says. The burglar breathes a sigh of relief and says “What kind of idiot names his parrot Moses?” The parrot answers “The same kind of idiot that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”

Why does Jesus rise?
Because his body was made out of bread.

How did Jesus pay for our sins?
He used praypal.

How did Mary and Joseph know baby Jesus was 6 pounds 8 ounces?
A weigh in the manger.

Yo mama so ugly and old, Jesus saw her and said “Oh my Dad!”

Why does Jesus stay on the other side of the road?
He’s afraid to get across.

Why isn’t Jesus kosher for Passover?
Because he’s risen.

What does Jesus call his protein shake?

A man was leaving the grocery store when he tripped and fell into a puddle. “Jesus Christ, God Almighty!” he exclaimed. At the same moment, a priest was nearby and said “What did you say?”
The man responded, “Cheese and rice, got all muddy!”

Where did Jesus go to college?
Bless U.

What’s the difference between Jesus and Mexicans?
Jesus doesn’t have any tattoos of Mexicans.

Recommended: Mexican Jokes

Yo mama so religious, she made Jesus Christ embarrassed.

What happened when Jesus got his first coupon book?
He became Christ the redeemer.

Why does Jesus wash his apostles’ feet?
So he can cleanse their soles.

How did Jesus get over the gap?
He took a leap of faith.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.
In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:
“Who is it?” “It’s Mark” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Mark?” “Marijuana from Colombia” “Very well son, come in.”
Another soft knock is heard. “Who is it?” “It’s Matthew” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Matthew?” “Cocaine from Bolivia” “Very well son, come in.”
At the next knock, Jesus asks, “Who is it?” “It’s John” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring John?” “Crack from New York” “Very well son, come in.”
Someone starts pounding on the door. “Who is it?” “It’s Judas”
Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Judas?” “FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!”

What happened when Christ dropped rice on the floor?
Jesus swept.

Yo mama so ugly, Jesus doesn’t forgive her when she forgets makeup.

What does Jesus smell like?
Heaven Scent.

Recommended: Clean Catholic Jokes

Why did the beauty salon overcharge Jesus?
Because he has extra nails.

Why did Jesus change St Peter’s name?
Because otherwise everyone would listen to what Simon says, and not what Jesus says.

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, “Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know… ‘Your thing’?” Moses then answered, “I don’t know, let me see if I still got it!”
He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and then separated them. As soon as he did it, the lake’s water divided into two and the boat fell to the dry bottom of the lake. Moses happily then said, “Ah ha! I can still do it!!” Then after he closed his arms and the lake came back to normal, with the boat rising on top of it, he asked Jesus, “So, how about you? Can you still do it, ‘your thing’?” Jesus then answered, “Only one way to find out!”
Jesus then stood up and jumped out of the boat, and started walking on the lake. But after a few steps of walking, he then fell into the water and started drowning. Moses seeing this, rushed to save Jesus and get him out of the water. When Jesus was finally saved, Moses, looking confused, then asked him, “Hey, what happened? How did you fall into the water??”
Jesus, still breathing faintly, then answered him, “Ha– Ha– I just remembered– That I still got holes in my feet– From that day–“

How did Mary first notice that she was going into labor with baby Jesus?
Her wine broke.

What is Jesus’ favorite cheese?
Swiss because it’s so holey.

Why does Jesus eat at Japanese restaurants?
Because he loves Miso.

Yo mama so ugly, Jesus wept.

What would happen if Jesus and Poseidon ever fought?
Jesus would walk all over him.

Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter?
Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.

How did Mary and Joseph know how heavy Jesus was when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger.

Can you imagine Jesus doing a crossword puzzle?
And getting stuck on 2 across.

Have a better Jesus joke? Post your religion puns and one-liners in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

4 thoughts on “99 Funny Jesus Jokes And Puns About Christ”

  1. Jesus in heaven looks at someone whom he’ seen before but just can’t place.Then suddenly, he runs over to him and asks,”Tell me,were you a carpenter in your earthly life?”The man answers,”why ,yes.” Jesus then looks at him more closely and asks him if his name on earth just happenned to be Joseph.The man answers,” “,yes,” once more.Jesus then asks, “,did you have a most unusual son? ” The man answers ,”yes.” Jesus then hugs the man and exclaims, “joseph,my father Joseph”.Whereupon the man replies,”My son,my son,”Pinocchio.!”


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