Black Friday isn’t just a day; it’s a full-contact sport where only the bravest shoppers survive, armed with coffee and credit cards at dawn. For adults, it’s the Olympics of retail, a day where you can witness a mild-mannered librarian elbow-drop a bodybuilder for the last half-price toaster. It’s a day that turns shopping malls into wild jungles, and the fittest (or the one with the best discount coupons) will indeed survive.
Transitioning from the savage elegance of bargain hunting, the realm of adult Black Friday jokes provides a different kind of thrill for those who prefer their deals with a side of devilish wit. These are the stories that bring laughter to the lips of those who know that sometimes, the best way to deal with the chaos of consumer combat is to find the funny in the frenzy.
Adult Black Friday Jokes
Not sure what’s more terrifying, the crowds on Black Friday or the black plague.
At least with the plague, you have a chance of survival.
If Black Friday was a girl…
Then it would just be a cheap date.
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority?
Because they don’t like d*cks.
Why it’s called Black Friday?
Because everything is so cheap that you are literally stealing it!
The shopping mall has a piano with a sign saying, “Feel free to tinkle on our ivories.”
So this man p*ssed all over the keyboard.
What’s the big deal about Black Friday?
All Fridays matter.
A woman walked into a s*x shop and asked to buy a vibr@tor.
The shop assistant beckoned with his finger and said, “Can you come this way?”
The woman replied, “If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need a vibr@tor.”
Why do p*rverts always feel the s*x shop prices are too high?
They want everything 100% off.
What’s long and white?
A line at a Black Friday in the 18th century.
How was Black Friday shopping during a pandemic a lot like banging a back alley pr*stitute without a condom?
You know you might catch something, but you can’t beat a great bargain.
What is the most sold product on Black Friday?
Cotton sweaters.
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What’s a Jew’s favorite day?
Black Friday.
Why don’t h**kers do black friday specials?
Because they usually have things half off.
What’s the difference between Black Friday and women?
Discount on goods during Black Friday isn’t available all year round.
A lady buys a magic d*ldo on a Black Friday deal and takes it home to try it out. The instructions simply state “Say the words magic d*ldo to turn it on. Then tell the magic d*ldo where you want it to go and enjoy.” After undressing she lays on the bed and says “Magic d*ldo! Go to my v*gina!” It springs to life, hovers in the air a moment and then goes to work. After about 20 minutes of pure ecstasy she realizes she has no idea how to turn it off. Just then her husband walks in the room. “What the hell’s going on in here!” He asks. “I bought a magic d*ldo and I don’t know how to make it stop!!!”
The husband rolls his eyes and says, “Magic d*ldo my a**!!”
Why do cops love going to Black Friday early?
So they can beat the crowd.
Why are there cops at malls on the day after Thanksgiving?
Because the Friday is Black.
The wife came home after Black Friday shopping and said “I got some ice cream you want some?”
The husband replied, “How hard is it? As I’m not a fan of soft ice cream. She responded, “As hard as your c*ck when you think about me naked!”
The husband thought for a moment and said, “Yeah go on then! Pour us a glass.”
What is this black Friday sale?
After all, sl@very was abolished two centuries ago.
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Did you all hear about the guy who sh0t himself in Walmart on Black Friday?
They’re calling it a self-checkout.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall during the Black Friday madness. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?” The little boy replied, “Jack Daniels and women with big t*ts.
Why is black Friday called black Friday?
Because it is the day the sl@ves went on discount.
A man went into his local pharmacy to purchase c0ndoms.
After ringing his item up the cashier asked, “Would you like a bag?” The man responded, “No, she’s not that ugly.”
A lady walks into a s*x shop during National Deal Week.
She yells, “WHERE ARE ALL YOUR D*LDOS?”
“Lady, they’re on the wall behind me.”
“GIVE ME THE RED ONE!”
“No lady, they’re on the wall NEXT to the fire extinguisher!”
Did you hear about the man shopping online for a tuxedo for his pet rooster on Black Friday?
He was looking for some good “Hen tie”.
A little boy was lost in a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big t*ts.”
Have you heard about the shopping center that uses strobe lights in place of fluorescents?
It’s called Petit Mall.
Why are pr*stitutes so cheap?
They have a hole sale business!
A man out shopping bought a lot of new condoms during Black Friday. When he got home, his wife noticed the brand.
The wife asked, “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?”
The husband replied, “There are three colors. Gold, silver and bronze.”
The wife then asked, “What color are you going to wear tonight?”.
Her husband replies, “Gold! Of course!”
His wife responds, “Really? Why don’t you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!”
Do you know why it’s called Black Friday?
It’s the only time of year black people can afford things.
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Have you heard about the local hospital offering Black Friday specials on circumcisions?
Up to 50% off.
What do Jews call Black Friday?
The Hollow Cost.
What do Black Friday and a black guy have in common?
Pants are half-off.
A s*x shop manager goes on a week off during Black Friday. After all, he left one of his able employees in charge.
While on duty, a young woman comes in and asks for an extra thick d*ldo. “How about this blue one? It’s pretty girthy,” the employee says. “No, I can only be satisfied by something bigger than that.” “Well, okay, we don’t have much that’s bigger than that. How about this pink one?” Not big enough, the woman responds. Finally, after browsing for a minute, the young woman says “Well, what about that plaid one? I think that’s big enough.” The employee names the price and makes the sale.
The manager returns a few days later and asks how Black Friday sales were. “Oh, pretty good. We sold three dozen d*ldos, a dozen buttplugs, some handcuffs, and your Thermos.”
Why do retailers sell things in 6-packs?
Because women do the shopping.
Prince Harry was thinking of the most apt way to introduce his girlfriend to Prince Philip,
“Granddad, ” he said, “look what I got in the Black Friday sale.”
What does a Victoria’s Secret Black Friday sale have in common with a girl about to get a spanking?
Both have panties half-off.
Two blondes on a Black Friday walk up to a perfume counter. The first one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist, smells it, and says, “That’s nice, don’t you think, Tracy?”
Tracy says, “Yeah. What’s it called, Sharon?”
Sharon says, “Viens a moi.”
Tracy says, “Viens a moi? What does that mean?”
The store clerk says, “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘Come to me.'”
Sharon takes another sniff and says,
“That doesn’t smell like come to me. Does it smell like come to you?”
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A man in a polar bear outfit was arrested yesterday for hilariously ripping into people’s tents that were camping out for Black Friday.
He’s lucky he wasn’t a black bear or the police would have shot him.
What is the biggest shoplifting day of the year?
Black Friday.
What’s White Friday?
Prices are so crazy they’ll shoot up your local school.
Picking s*xual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.
People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.
A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop.
He says, “I’m going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam.”
The girl looks him over, and then brings out a fig leaf.
He says, “Not big enough.”
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, “Still not big enough.”
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, “Honey, that’s still a little on the small side…..”
Not impressed, she says, “Listen, Tex, why don’t you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?”
On any normal day, Black Lives Matter…
But on Black Friday, no lives matter.
What can you say in the bedroom or whilst shopping at IKEA?
If there is no screwing involved, I can’t see how it’s going to stay up.
Two Cappa sorority sisters were shopping on Black Friday and run into each other. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all Mike and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her sorority sister. “Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”
What’s the best day to buy sl@ves?
Black Friday.
Why did Michael Jackson go Black Friday shopping?
He heard that boys’ underwear was half off!
Do you have a dirty Black Friday joke? Write down your own racist puns in the comment section below!
Black Friday and I have a lot in common
It always comes too early once a year.
Black Friday is a right con, I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon, and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.