Cats have a way of bringing out our mischievous side. They’re sassy, independent, and can throw shade better than most humans. With their quirky behavior and dramatic flair, it’s no surprise that cats spark humor that’s a little spicier when it comes to adult conversations. For those with a playful sense of humor, their antics pave the way for some Dirty Cat Jokes.
These adult Jokes are like a sly wink in the world of humor. They are playful, unexpected, and often downright clever. They take the relatable puns of cats and mix them with a cheeky twist, creating laughs that might make you blush just a little. Whether it’s their mysterious habits or their unapologetic attitude, these jokes add a fun, risqué edge to the usual feline-inspired humor.
Adult Cat Jokes
Did you hear about the polygamist cat?
He had nine wives!
Which word begins with “C”, ends with “T”, is hairy on the outside and moist on the inside?
Cat.
When our cat died, this woman brought it to a taxidermist.
It looks like a cat-ass-trophy to me.
What do you call a cat that can play piano?
DePussy.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was a kid and was playing in the sandbox, the cat would come and bury her.
What do you call someone who likes p*$$y more than a c*ck?
A cat person.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.
One afternoon in Venice Beach, John stumbled across a homeless man holding a sign that read, “$1 for a dirty joke.” Amused, he thought, Why not? and handed over a dollar.
The man looked at him and said, “Alright, sir, what’s your name?”
John replied, “It’s John.”
The homeless man grinned. “So, Johnny, there’s a black rooster, alright? How many legs does that chicken have?”
John answered, “Two.”
The man nodded. “Right, now how many wings does this black rooster have?”
“Two,” John replied again.
“Correct. Now, how many eyes does this black rooster have?”
John confidently said, “Two.”
The homeless man leaned in. “Alright, now there’s a white cat walking around. How many hairs does that white cat have?”
John hesitated. “I don’t know… A lot?”
With a sly grin, the man said, “Well, Johnny, why do you know so much about black c*ck and not enough about white p*$$y?”
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat.
The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?”
Jimmy replied (crying), “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘Ima eat that p*$$y once Jimmy leaves for school today!'”
My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
What do you call a blind, deaf, mute but adorable fluffy cartoon cat?
Hello Keller.
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A s*dist, a m*sochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
“How about having sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile.
“Let’s have s*x with the cat and then torture it,” says the s*dist. “Let’s have s*x with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.
“Let’s have s*x with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have s*x with it again,” said the necrophile.
“Let’s have s*x with the cat, torture it, kill it, have s*x with it again, and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell. Then everyone turned to the m*sochist and asked, “So, what’s it going to be?”
To which he replied, “Meow.”
A person who likes to be around people is an extrovert. A person who doesn’t like to be around people is an introvert. What if a person likes to be around cats?
A purrvert.
I identify as Schrodinger’s cat
My pronouns are is/isn’t.
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and the Cat in the Hat?
One is black with a white face, wears gloves, and plays with children. The other is a Dr. Seuss character.
A dog sleepwalks into a bar.
He tells the bartender, “ZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says “Yes sir you are.” The sleepwalking dog leaves.
And a patron says “Why did you agree with him? That dog’s not a cat!!”
The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”
What do you call a Jewish cat who lives in Spain and only speaks Japanese?
Ari-gato.
John’s female cat had just been spayed, but the vet insisted on referring to the procedure as “feline ovarian removal.”
John shook his head and thought, Sometimes, you just have to call a spayed a spayed.
Did you hear about the cat who is LGBTQ+ only at meal times?
That’s the only time she comes out of the closet.
A mother and her son are sitting on an airplane, which is ready to take off. The son admires the parked planes through the window.
At one point, he turns to his mother, who was reading a magazine, and pops the question: “Since big dogs have little dogs, and big cats have little cats, how come, big airplanes don’t have little planes?”
The child’s mother, bored to think of a reasonable answer, told him to ask the flight attendant. The little boy then asks the flight attendant. With a smile on her face, the flight attendant replied: “Did your mom tell you to ask me?” The boy said yes. So, she says “Tell your mother, that our company knows better and pulls out on time!”
This neighbor is an animal abuser and won’t admit it.
So I told him it was ok to let the cat out of the bag.
What did the black cat say to the witch and the warlock when they started making out
“Why don’t you two get a broom!”
Why does a dog hate cat?
Because the dog is homosexual and does not want p*$$y.
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A dog and a cat are having an argument on who is the favorite of humans. The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one you know.”
Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.
What’s the difference between a dead cat on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks by the cat.
What do you call a Japanese person that’s attracted to dead cats?
A ‘nekophile’.
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?” “Yes”, the wife answers, “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a b*tch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
What do a cat and a gynecologist with bad vision have in common?
Wet nose.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon?
Now it’s a sour puss.
What’s the difference between a dark joke and a normal joke?
A normal joke is like ten cats in one box. A dark joke is like one cat in ten boxes.
A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.
She says, “I want to be young again.” poof
She’s young again.
“I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion.” poof
She’s now living in a beautiful mansion.
“I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!” poof
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
“Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs, and make mad, passionate love to me!”
The cat says, “Oh darlin’, you should’ve thought about that a long time ago before you had me fixed.”
A cat falls in a pond and a rooster laughs.
The moral of this story? A wet p*$$y makes a c*ck happy.
My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.
I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her p*$$y – and I am beginning to think that I did not get the “f*ck her doggy” part either.
Person: do you like cats or dogs?
Me: I don’t like Chinese food.
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th-grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.
A little girl raises her hand “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher.
“It sure was”, said the little girl.
“My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…. And before he could say ‘f*ck’, the Rottweiler ate him!”
What do cat owners and dyslexic atheists have in common?
Neither are dog people..
What do you call an ocean of cats?
A Puss-Sea.
What happens if you take cat hormones?
You get fur balls.
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
What’s the difference between a cat and a pornstar?
None I photograph them both in different positions to make it more interesting.
What do cats & strippers have in common?
They both want to put the p*$$y in your lap, but won’t allow you to touch it.
What do cats and beavers have in common?
They’re both p*$$ies.
Three rats are at a bar telling stories about how tough they are.
The first rat takes a shot and says, “Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day.” The second rat takes a shot and says, “That’s nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I bench press the bar 20-30 times & then take the cheese.”
The third rat hearing this takes his shot, gets up, & proceeds to walk out the door. The other two rats are dumbfounded & shout out to him, “Where are you going?”
The third rat replies, “I have to get home to f*ck the cat!”
Why do Chinese restaurants require employees to sign a non-disclosure agreement?
Because they don’t want anyone letting the cat out of the bag.
What’s the hairy long thing that immediately moves the moment i touch it and ladies adore very much?
My cat’s tail.
How are people from Alabama like cats?
They like to lick their pa’s.
The husband comes home and is worried because he has a scratch on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens the door sees the cat asleep on the couch, and gives him a tremendous kick. The cat “screams” a loud meow and runs out the door.
The wife comes into the living room and asks what happened and he angrily replies, “This cat seems crazy, I was walking in, and, just like that, he jumped on me and scratched me in the chest. Look at that hell of a scratch!”
The woman replied, “You did very well, today it has bitten my a$$ and gave me one hell of a hickey on my neck.”
What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s p*$$y instead.
Why did they ban cats in the Vatican?
It’s so all those priests aren’t tempted by all that p*$$y!
What does H*tler sing while petting his cat?
Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fuhrer, make the race purer, purer, purer.
What do you call a disabled cat?
A Can’t.
What are an injured cat’s pronouns?
Me/ow.
A married couple is preparing to go to a resort for vacation.
The husband says, “Okay, Terry, here is the deal. The kids are going to live with your mom while we’re away, the dog goes to my sister, your sister, Sarah, takes the canary, my parents take care of the cat…”
The wife replies, “Listen, Martin, I don’t understand. If it’s going to be so quiet here… why would we even need to go anywhere?”
What’s the difference between a cat and an emo?
The cat still has 8 other lives.
What do cigarettes and cats have in common?
Both are harmful to your health if you light them and put them in your mouth.
An elderly woman arrives at the supermarket checkout line with bread, milk, peanut butter, and 21 cans of cat food.
“Got a lot of cats at home?” says the cashier, smiling.
“Cats? Oh no, dear! I’m allergic,” says the woman. “These are for my husband. it’s all he will eat.”
Shocked, the cashier says, “You feed him ONLY cat food? You can’t do that! He’ll die!”
“I’ve been feeding him cat food for 50 years and he’s absolutely fine thank you very much! Mind your own business!” says the woman, and leaves in a huff.
A week later the same elderly woman approaches the same cashier with bread, milk, peanut butter, but no cat food. The cashier notices and says, “No cat food this week?”
“No!” says the woman. “My husband’s dead!”
“I’m sorry,” says the cashier, “But I told you eating nothing but cat food would kill him.”
“For your information, it wasn’t the cat food,” says the woman. “He was licking his balls and fell off the roof.”
What did Michael Jackson name his cat?
Trick question. That guy hated p*$$y.
What do you get when you cross a kitty cat with a bunny rabbit?
A p*$$y hare.
Do you have an adult cat joke? Write down your dirtiest ones in the comment section below!
