Valentine’s Day isn’t just about chocolates and roses, it’s the one day couples go all out to celebrate love, passion, and sometimes a little mischief. While the world sees candlelight dinners and heartfelt cards, adults know there’s another layer to this romantic holiday: cheeky laughs and Dirty Valentine’s Day Jokes that add a spicy twist to the festivities.
But this day isn’t just about being naughty; it’s about embracing humor in the most unexpected ways. Think of it as love with a wink and a laugh because nothing says romance like sharing a joke that’s just a little too bold for the dinner table. After all, laughter is the true language of love.
Adult Valentine’s Day Jokes
Roses are red,
Violets are pretty,
Don’t spend Valentine’s,
With P Diddy.
For Valentine’s Day, I bought Candy for my wife.
She’s a 25-year-old princess and I guess I’m her sugar daddy now.
Wife: Honey I have shaved my pu$$y for Valentine’s night, She winks and says with a $exy grin, you know what that means.
Husband: Yeah, the f*cking drain is blocked again.
Had a great Valentine’s Day! Almost had a threesome!
Just needed two more people!
There was a young woman with a possessive, vain boyfriend.
For Valentine’s Day, she had the best idea – to have his face tattooed on her left br@ast.
The guy is happy, but a bit later he breaks up with her.
Her next boyfriend is jealous and after a while demands she has his face tattooed on her other bre@st.
She gives in, but in the end, he also breaks up with her.
The next boyfriend, she’s afraid of taking her top off. When he finally gets her to show her t*ts, he sees the tattoos of the faces and he starts laughing uncontrollably.
When he calmed down, she asked him what was so funny and why he wasn’t mad.
Says the guy, “I know two dudes who, in a few years, will have some pretty long streched-out faces!”
What was Hilary’s response when Epstein asked her to be his Valentine?
Nothing. She just left him hanging.
Remember to wear a condom today!
Don’t put the VD in Valentine’s Day!
For Valentine’s Day, this man’s wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of his when she dressed up as a nurse.
At last, he got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on Valentine’s Day.
Or you can just take the whole thing.
What’s the best day of the week for Valentine’s Day to be on?
Hump day.
Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he met?
Because he couldn’t resistor.
Which Missouri town is for Valentine’s Day singles?
Lone Jack.
Something on Valentines Day I just don’t get…
Laid.
It was mid-February, but the weather had broken a bit so 4 golf buddies decided to get out for a round. Unfortunately it was Valentines Day.
As they are waiting to tee off Joe says “this is going to be a costly round. To get out today I had to promise my wife I’d take her to that expensive new restaurant downtown.”
Pete says, “I’ve got it worse, not only do I have to take her to a fancy restaurant, I’ve got to take her to see a silly romcom first.”
Mike chimes in, “I’ve got to do the movie, the restaurant, AND that diamond bracelet she’s been wanting. What about you Dave, how’d you get out?”
Dave says, “It didn’t cost me anything. I just rolled over this morning and said ‘Honey, the guys want me to go golfing today, but instead we could just lie in bed all day and make love.’ She said ‘Dress warmly dear it’s still cold out there.’”
If Valentine’s Day is for couples, what day is for single men?
Palm Sunday.
Recommended: Valentine’s Day Dad Jokes
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D on Valentine’s Day,
Happy Alentine’s Ay!
Which Missouri town is for Valentine’s Day singles?
Lone Jack.
Did you hear about the wife who asked her husband for a divorce for Valentine’s Day?
Her husband told her that he wasn’t planning on spending that much.
For this Valentine’s Day I finally worked up the courage to ask my co-worker if she wanted to be friends with benefits…and she said, “Yes!”
So I signed us both up for health insurance, 401k’s, and flexible spending accounts.
If you are not in love on Valentine’s Day, don’t worry.
You don’t have to be dead on Halloween, either.
What is Stalking?
When two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows about it!
There’s Coitus without love, and there’s love without Coitus.
And there’s us, without either.
Did you hear about the restaurant’s Valentine’s Day offer?
25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend. It’s on the house for anyone who shows up with both.
If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?
The Swallow.
Why do witches search for crystal men on Valentine’s Week?
They love rubbing the crystal balls.
What’s the difference between like and love?
Spit and swallow.
This Valentine’s Day, a man asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “S*x! S*x! S*x! Free S*x tonight!”
He said, “Wow!”
Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”
Why is it hard for Liam Neeson to enjoy Valentine’s Day?
Because all the girls are taken.
Recommended: Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes
A boyfriend is getting his girlfriend a d*ldo cast from his own p*nis for Valentine’s Day.
They’re only doing small gifts this year.
Roses are red,
Valentine’s Day is Crap!
I don’t have a girlfriend so FAP FAP FAP!
What do fat women get for Valentine’s Day?
Depressed.
How do you kiss a girl on Valentine’s Day?
You use tulips.
My missus asked me where her Valentine’s day card was.
I said, “Sorry, I had a headache.”
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine’s Day walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I really do need to take a piss.” Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that’s hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, “My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!”
“No, you don’t understand!” she replies. “I changed my mind, I’m taking a crap instead.”
How do single people honor Valentine’s Day?
By Celibating!
What’s the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine’s Day?
The eggs get laid!
What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine’s Day?
Smash Mouth.
What’s the difference between lust, love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
The husband bought his wife a pink vibrator for Valentine’s Day.
She told him that as long as she has him she won’t need it.
He told her, “Actually that’s what I’m here to talk about!”
Recommended: Funny Cupid Jokes
Why you shouldn’t get your period on Valentine’s Day?
Otherwise, it’s going to be a pain in the a**.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Why did the evil man get his girl a box of chocolates and a d*ldo?
If she doesn’t like the chocolates, she can go f*ck herself.
How did the Star Wars fan spend Valentine’s Day?
Solo.
A brunette gets a bouquet for Valentine’s Day.
The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.
She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around, “I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air.”
The blonde then says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
The #1 thing a guy wants for Valentine’s Day is S*x.
And #2 is for his wife to not find out.
A woman received a bunch of flowers for Valentine’s Day, with the heads cut off.
She thinks she is being stalked.
Why do necrophiliacs like Valentine’s Day more than most people?
The flowers have already been delivered.
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine’s Day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says, “I hate Valentine’s Day… what about you, you must be single right?”
“Yeah,” she responds, “How did you know? Was it the stuff I’m buying?”
“Nah, you’re ugly!”
Did you hear about the guy who picked up two hot girls on Valentine’s Day?
The first time he ever had two hot girls at the same time. He loves driving for UBER.
What is the worst part about being a gay guy on Valentine’s Day?
All the guys on Grindr are out with their wives.
What did the verb give the pronoun for Valentine’s Day?
A Her/She Kiss!
Two women are having lunch on Valentine’s Day.
One says to the other, “Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?”
The second scoffs, “Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs.”
The first looks confused, “Don’t you have a vase you could put them in?”
Not having plans for valentines Day isn’t so bad if you have a dental appointment,
At least something will be drilled today.
Why does Valentine’s Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day.
The side chick is you.
What’s better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ!
An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine’s Day evening.
“Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?”
He says, “I long to intimately embrace you and lose ourselves in the depths of passion together.”
Wife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says, “Well… what do you think of me now?”
He says without skipping a beat, “I think I did a fairly good job!”
On a fine Valentine’s night, a married woman cheats on her husband of 9 years and is about to get caught by her husband she prays to God for her not to get caught.
Miraculously a genie appears and grants her the wish but tells her you will die in 10 years by drowning. The woman accepts the deal and the husband does not catch her.
Surely enough 10 years later the married woman is on a mega yacht for a massive hen party and has long forgotten her deal with the genie.
The superyacht hits a massive rock and starts to sink and the genie appears.
The woman spots the genie and remembers her deal with the genie and says, “Genie it can’t be possible that you would kill all these people for me cheating 10 years?”
And the genie replies, “Bitch I want none of your nonsense I’ve been collecting all you hoes here for the last 10 years.”
2 female beans are in love.
Lesbeans.
How can you tell if someone found true love?
If their partner is ugly.
Roses are red,
Chocolate is Brown,
You’re getting neither
so calm the f*ck down.
What’s the pro and cons of doing an*l for Valentine’s Day?
It makes your husband’s day but your hole weak!
Remember proper protection this Valentine’s Day.
Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase, and digits.
What did the French chef give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A hug and a little quiche.
What do you call it when you assault someone with love?
Passion aggression.
If a good romance starts with a good friendship, what does a bad romance start with?
Ra ra ra ah ah.
Tarzan and Jane are going to have s*x for the first time on Valentine’s Day, but Tarzan tells Jane that he doesn’t know how.
Jane says, “Look, it’s very easy.”
Jane then explains to Tarzan the mechanics of making love.
After listening, Tarzan tells Jane, “Tarzan does it in a tree trunk hole.”
Jane replies while motioning to her crotch, “Tarzan! You’ve got it all wrong. You stick it in this hole.”
Tarzan and Jane then get naked, and Jane motions Tarzan to insert his love-making tool into her crotch.
Suddenly, Tarzan kicks Jane very hard in her crotch.
Writhing in pain, Jane asks Tarzan, “What was that for?”
Tarzan replies, “Tarzan checks for squirrels.”
What does Hooker always say on 14th February?
“Love doesn’t make cents.”
What do you call a Roman who loves giving c*nnilingus on Valentine’s Day?
A Gladiator.
To those who are sad because nobody loves them at Valentine’s Day, worry not…
Nobody loves you on any of the other days of the year either.
On Valentine’s Day, an old man is working in his basement.
From upstairs, his wife calls, “Come upstairs, baby, and make love to me.”
The old man grunts, “You’re gonna have to choose one or the other. I can’t do both!”
Recommended: Valentine’s Day Jokes for Kids
She fell in love with an electrician, and she got shocked. She fell in love with an artist, and things got sketchy. She fell in love with a musician, and she got played.
She fell in love with a photographer…
On 14th February, why couldn’t the gunslinger make love to his wife?
Because he kept shooting Blanks!
What a lousy year. First my grandma died,
And then for the first time in forty years I didn’t get a Valentine’s card from my secret admirer.
What do you call a wizard who loves to give hickeys?
A neck-romancer.
Do you have a dirty joke about Valentine’s Day? Write down the funny puns in the comment section below!
