50 Dirty Valentine’s Day Jokes for the Naughty Adults

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Jessica Amlee

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Valentine’s Day isn’t just about sugary sweet love and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates anymore. For adults, it’s an opportunity to spice things up and add a dash of humor to the romance. We’re talking about the side of Valentine’s Day that’s less about roses and more about risqué giggles. After all, who says love can’t be both tender and ticklish? Think of cupid swapping his bow and arrow for a cheeky wink and a nudge, guiding couples to a laughter-filled celebration. This is where naughty Valentine’s Day jokes come into play, adding a zestful twist to the day of love.

As we tiptoe into the realm of dirty Valentine’s Day jokes, it’s like opening a box of mischievous chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get, but you’re pretty sure it’s going to be delectably wicked. These jokes are the saucy whispers shared between lovers or the playful banter at a grown-up’s Valentine’s party. They’re the spice that makes the sweet day of love sizzle with laughter and cheeky grins. So, let’s dive into the world of flirty fun, where every punchline is a flirtatious tickle, and every giggle is a testament to the joyous, adult side of Valentine’s Day. Remember, it’s all in good fun – a chance to laugh, love, and be a little bit bold.

Adult Valentine’s Day Jokes

For Valentine’s Day, this man’s wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of his when she dressed up as a nurse.
At last, he got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

What’s the best day of the week for Valentine’s Day to be on?
Hump day.

If Valentine’s Day is for couples, what day is for single men?
Palm Sunday.

To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D on Valentine’s Day,
Happy Alentine’s Ay!

Which Missouri town is for Valentine’s Day singles?
Lone Jack.

Did you hear about the wife who asked her husband for a divorce for Valentine’s Day?
Her husband told her that he wasn’t planning on spending that much.

If you are not in love on Valentine’s Day, don’t worry.
You don’t have to be dead on Halloween, either.

What is Stalking?
When two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows about it!

There’s Coitus without love, and there’s love without Coitus.
And there’s us, without either.

Did you hear about the restaurant’s Valentine’s Day offer?
25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend. It’s on the house for anyone who shows up with both.

If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?
The Swallow.

Why do witches search for crystal men on Valentine’s Week?
They love rubbing the crystal balls.

This Valentine’s Day, a man asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “S*x! S*x! S*x! Free S*x tonight!”
He said, “Wow!”
Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

Why is it hard for Liam Neeson to enjoy Valentine’s Day?
Because all the girls are taken.

Recommended: Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes

A boyfriend is getting his girlfriend a d*ldo cast from his own p*nis for Valentine’s Day.
They’re only doing small gifts this year.

Roses are red,
Valentine’s Day is Crap!
I don’t have a girlfriend so FAP FAP FAP!

What do fat women get for Valentine’s Day?

How do you kiss a girl on Valentine’s Day?
You use tulips.

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine’s Day walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I really do need to take a piss.” Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that’s hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, “My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!”
“No, you don’t understand!” she replies. “I changed my mind, I’m taking a crap instead.”

How do single people honor Valentine’s Day?
By Celibating!

What’s the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine’s Day?
The eggs get laid!

What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine’s Day?
Smash Mouth.

What’s the difference between lust, love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

The husband bought his wife a pink vibrator for Valentine’s Day.
She told him that as long as she has him she won’t need it.
He told her, “Actually that’s what I’m here to talk about!”

Recommended: Funny Cupid Jokes

Why you shouldn’t get your period on Valentine’s Day?
Otherwise, it’s going to be a pain in the a**.

Why did the evil man get his girl a box of chocolates and a d*ldo?
If she doesn’t like the chocolates, she can go f*ck herself.

How did the Star Wars fan spend Valentine’s Day?

A brunette gets a bouquet for Valentine’s Day.
The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.
She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around, “I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air.”
The blonde then says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

The #1 thing a guy wants for Valentine’s Day is S*x.
And #2 is for his wife to not find out.

A woman received a bunch of flowers for Valentine’s Day, with the heads cut off.
She thinks she is being stalked.

Why do necrophiliacs like Valentine’s Day more than most people?
The flowers have already been delivered.

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine’s Day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says, “I hate Valentine’s Day… what about you, you must be single right?”
“Yeah,” she responds, “How did you know? Was it the stuff I’m buying?”
“Nah, you’re ugly!”

Did you hear about the guy who picked up two hot girls on Valentine’s Day?
The first time he ever had two hot girls at the same time. He loves driving for UBER.

What is the worst part about being a gay guy on Valentine’s Day?
All the guys on Grindr are out with their wives.

What did the verb give the pronoun for Valentine’s Day?
A Her/She Kiss!

Two women are having lunch on Valentine’s Day.
One says to the other, “Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?”
The second scoffs, “Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs.”
The first looks confused, “Don’t you have a vase you could put them in?”

Not having plans for valentines Day isn’t so bad if you have a dental appointment,
At least something will be drilled today.

Why does Valentine’s Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day.
The side chick is you.

What’s better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ!

An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine’s Day evening.
“Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?”

He says, “I long to intimately embrace you and lose ourselves in the depths of passion together.”
Wife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says, “Well… what do you think of me now?”
He says without skipping a beat, “I think I did a fairly good job!”

What’s the pro and cons of doing an*l for Valentine’s Day?
It makes your husband’s day but your hole weak!

Remember proper protection this Valentine’s Day.
Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase, and digits.

What did the French chef give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A hug and a little quiche.

Tarzan and Jane are going to have s*x for the first time on Valentine’s Day, but Tarzan tells Jane that he doesn’t know how.
Jane says, “Look, it’s very easy.”
Jane then explains to Tarzan the mechanics of making love.
After listening, Tarzan tells Jane, “Tarzan does it in a tree trunk hole.”
Jane replies while motioning to her crotch, “Tarzan! You’ve got it all wrong. You stick it in this hole.”
Tarzan and Jane then get naked, and Jane motions Tarzan to insert his love-making tool into her crotch.
Suddenly, Tarzan kicks Jane very hard in her crotch.
Writhing in pain, Jane asks Tarzan, “What was that for?”
Tarzan replies, “Tarzan checks for squirrels.”

What does Hooker always say on 14th February?
“Love doesn’t make cents.”

What do you call a Roman who loves giving c*nnilingus on Valentine’s Day?
A Gladiator.

On Valentine’s Day, an old man is working in his basement.
From upstairs, his wife calls, “Come upstairs, baby, and make love to me.”
The old man grunts, “You’re gonna have to choose one or the other. I can’t do both!”

On 14th February, why couldn’t the gunslinger make love to his wife?
Because he kept shooting Blanks!

Do you have a dirty joke about Valentine’s Day? Write down the funny puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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