80 Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes For Him and Her

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Jessica Amlee

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Valentine’s Day is a carnival of love where cupids are in overdrive, chocolates and roses sell like hotcakes, and dinner reservations are as scarce as hen’s teeth. It’s not just about dreamy-eyed couples or the proud singles; there’s a hidden side to it all, Valentine’s Day jokes.

Diving into the realm of these jokes is like finding a treasure trove of laughter. They’re the secret ingredient that adds a pinch of humor to the day’s love-filled frenzy. Picture a classroom buzzing not with whispers of crushes but with jokes that even the strictest teacher can’t ignore. In this world of chuckles and giggles, Valentine’s Day jokes unite everyone in the universal language of laughter.

Best Valentine’s Day Jokes

Did you hear about the man who made a chart of past relationships for Valentine’s Day?
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

If Valentine’s Day is for couples, what day is it for single men?
Palm Sunday.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Emma who?)
Emma hoping I get lots of cards on Valentine’s Day!

Who is the fish’s valentine?
His Gil-Friend.

Why was the mathematician’s Valentine like the square root of -100?
A 10, but imaginary.

Did you hear about the husband who bought his wife a new belt and bag for Valentine’s day?
The vacuum works just fine now.

Why do some always get Halloween and Valentine’s Day confused?
They’re both about candy and being something you’re not.

What’s the difference between you and a calendar?
A calendar has a date for Valentine’s Day.

The wife said to the husband, “For Valentine’s Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”
So he got her nothing.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Atlas who?)
Atlas, it’s Valentine’s Day!

Did you hear about the wife who asked her husband for a divorce for Valentine’s Day?
He told her that he wasn’t planning on spending that much.

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentine’s card?
“I’m glad I’ve got you Michelle; I didn’t want to be Obamaself.”

To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D on Valentine’s day.
Happy Alentine’s Ay!

After waking up one morning, a woman told her husband, “I had a dream that you presented me with a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you make of it?” “Perhaps you’ll find out tonight…,” he speculated.
That evening, the man returned home with a little package, which he gave to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled: “The Meaning of Dreams.”

A wife called her husband and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine’s Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
The husband replied, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

Why do many hope they don’t get their period on Valentine’s Day?
It’s going to be a pain in the ass.

What do fat women get for Valentine’s day?

If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?
The Swallow.

Did you hear about the man who bought his girlfriend beads for an abacus for Valentine’s day?
It’s the little things that count.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Al who?)
Al be your Valentine if you’ll be mine.

A restaurant offers a 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, a 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriends on Valentine’s Day.
It’s on the house for anyone who shows up with both.

How do single people honor Valentine’s day?
By Celibating.

How do you kiss a girl on Valentine’s day?
You use tulips.

On Valentine’s Day, a man goes to Victoria’s Secret to buy lingerie for his wife.
Looking around, he sees that as the lingerie prices rise, so does the skimpiness and see-through nature of the fabric. The most costly item is $500.
The man decides to buy the most expensive item because he is in a good mood.
He returns home to meet his wife and reveal his surprise.
When he returns home, he wishes his wife a happy Valentine’s Day. “I’ve got something special for you.”
“Ooh, what is it?” she asks, revealing the lingerie. “Oh my goodness, I adore it!”
“How about you go try it on?”
She dashes upstairs to try it on and discovers the price tag as well as the fact that the item is so exposing that she appears to be wearing nothing at all.
So she goes downstairs naked thinking to return the item later, and keep the $500.
“So, honey, what do you think?” she asks when she gets down.
“Hmmm,” he replies. “You’d think for $500 they would’ve at least ironed it.”

Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Valentine’s Day is coming.

Why is it hard for Liam Neeson to enjoy Valentine’s Day?
Because all the girls are taken.

What do single people call Valentine’s Day?
Happy Independence Day.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Eye who?)
Eye want to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day!

What is the worst part about being a gay guy Valentine’s Day?
All the guys on Grindr are out with their wives.

What’s the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine’s day?
The eggs get laid!

What’s the difference between a trick performed by the Valentine’s Day mascot and Putin?
The trick is a Cupid Stunt.

A guy walks into a Hallmark Store.
He asks the attendant, “Do you have a valentine’s card that says: Our love is unique, I love you with all my heart, you are the love of my life.”
Attendant says, “How romantic, Sure, We do have some.”
The guy says, “Can I get 3 of those please.”

What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine’s day?
A hug and a little quiche.

How do Communists celebrate Valentine’s Day?
By seizing the means of reproduction.

What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine’s Day?
Smash Mouth.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Peas who?)
Peas be my Valentine!

How did the Star Wars fan spend Valentine’s Day?

What is the true purpose of Valentine’s Day?
To remind single people that they are single.

Why do necrophiliacs like Valentine’s Day more than most people?
The flowers have already been delivered.

What did the lightbulb say to his Valentine?
“I love you watts and watts.”

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentine’s day.
The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.
She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around, “I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air.”
The blonde then says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

Recommended: Funny Rose Day Jokes

What did the cake say to the frosting on Valentine’s Day?
“Without you I’d be muffin.”

What did the arsonist do on Valentine’s day?
He met his match.

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day?
You’re purr-fect for me!

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Fangs who?)
Fangs for being my Valentine.

What grade did St. Valentine get on his exam?
Be Mine-us (B-).

Why does Valentine’s Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.

Guess who’s going to be spoiled on Valentine’s Day?
The jug of milk in our refrigerator dated 2-14.

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
The husband, typically unromantic, replied, “I am in the toilet. Please advise..”

What do you get a Collie for valentine’s day?
Collie Flowers.

What did the farmer get his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A sprinkler system and it irrigated her.

Recommended: Dirty Valentine’s Day Jokes

What do you call someone who was born on Valentine’s Day?
A love child.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Sherwood who?)
Sherwood like to be your Valentine!

What type of flowers do sailors give on Valentine’s Day?

Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scentimental.

Why is it bad to be a buffet during Valentine’s Day?
Because people always want a-more.

Girl: I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.
Boy: Really?
Girl: Yeah, you make me sick!

What kind of flowers do women not want to receive on Valentine’s Day?

How does the rancher who owns oxen sign his Valentine’s Day card to his wife?

What’s better than taking a bath alone on Valentine’s day?
Taking a bath with a toaster on Valentine’s day.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Cupid who?)
Cupid be my Valentine.

Recommended: Cupid Jokes

What’s the best Valentine’s day programming pickup line?
“I may think in binary, but you’re the only 1.”

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
“You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night,” suggests one. “Pricey, but well worth it.”
“Oh, what’s it called?” the other man happily inquires.
For a few moments, his friend thinks, “Uhm…I…er…”
“What’s that flower, you know, war called after it, given out on Valentine’s Day?” he asks, clearly having a senior moment.
“You mean the rose?” says the other man.
His pal exclaims with delight, “Yes! That’s all there is to it, a rose!”
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife,” Rose! What’s the name of that place we ate at last night?”

Did you hear about the person who used to open so many cards on Valentine’s Day?
Eventually, the post office fired him for it.

Who always has a date on Valentine’s Day?
A calendar.

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table, and orders a beer.
He then takes out hundreds of pink Valentine’s Day cards, writes on the inside, and stamps them with “Love” stamps. He then takes out an expensive perfume bottle and spritzes each package. Finally, the bartender can’t help himself and approaches the man. “You’ve got 500 or more cards there,” the bartender remarks. “I have to say, I’m intrigued by what you’re doing.”
“Oh, every year at Valentine’s Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed ‘Guess Who?” the guy says.
“But why?” the bartender asks.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the guy replies.

There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love.
Then there’s You, without either. Happy Valentines!

Did you hear about the man who did his taxes on Valentine’s Day?
It was the only way he was getting f*cked.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Luke who?)
Luke who got a Valentine!

This Valentine’s day, a man asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!”
He said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

Did you hear about the guy who is getting her girlfriend a d*ldo cast from his own penis for Valentine’s day?
They’re only doing small gifts this year.

Recommended: February Jokes

On Valentine’s Day, a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
“Yes, I do,” she replied, “but go ahead since I’m sure you’re going to ask anyway.”
“Okay,” he said. “How many men have you slept with?”
“That’s my business!” she snapped.
“Oh cool!” he said. “How much?”

Yo mama so stupid, she slapped your ass when you said you had a heart on for her on valentine’s day.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Egg who?)
Egg-cited to be your Valentine.

Have a better Valentine’s Day joke? Post your own romantic jokes to make others laugh out loud.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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