40 Funny Life Insurance Jokes for Every Premium Payment

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Jessica Amlee

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Life insurance is that solemn handshake with the future, a promise to look after loved ones when you’re no longer able to pass the salt across the dinner table. It’s a bit like a financial parachute, something you pack away, hoping it won’t have to be used, but grateful for its existence. Navigating through the maze of term and whole life policies, beneficiaries, and premiums is like trying to whisper a secret in a tornado. Yet, it stands as a testament to human foresight, cushioning the blow of life’s ultimate curtain call with a safety net woven from the fine threads of actuarial tables and legal jargon.

Enter life insurance jokes, the lighter side of an otherwise somber subject. They dare to chuckle in the face of the inevitable, bringing levity to a topic as dark as a suit at a business meeting. These jokes are shared in hushed tones between friends or thrown around like confetti at industry conventions, a way to add a little sparkle to the stark reality of life’s final deadline. They play on the quirks of insurance policies and the lengths we go to secure peace of mind, proving that humor might just be the best policy after all.

Best Life Insurance Jokes

A husband and wife took out life insurance policies on each other.
So now it’s just a waiting game.

What did the man say who didn’t have any Life Insurance?
“I don’t have life insurance because I’m going out of this world the way I came into it… as a burden to my family.”

A man dies in an accident.
He never drank, nor smoked. He never had sex and never indulged in anything unhealthy.
The Life Insurance Company refused the claim on the note “How can someone have died if he had never lived in the first place?”

Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?
Neither because they live in America.

What’s the best thing about life insurance?
It makes you happy knowing that now your life is worth something.

A man is asked by his friends why he doesn’t have a life insurance policy.
“Because I want everybody to be really sad when I die!” He grins.

How much is Hillary Clinton’s life insurance?
Just one bill.

Why should you start selling life insurance for Hamas?
It’s gonna be a booming business.

Why is it too late for emos to get life insurance?
Because they are already dead inside.

Yo mama so fat, she gets group insurance!

How much is the policy for a white supremacist?

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Why do computers need life insurance?
In case their hard drive crashes.

What doesn’t kill you?
Makes your life insurance company happier.

A salesman knocks on a door.
As soon as the door opens he throws a mound of dirt on the floor of the house. The house owner begins to confront the salesman in a state of rage but before he can say anything the salesman pulls out a vacuum and sucks up the dirt with ease. The salesman says “I’m here to sell you this vacuum!” The house owner, amazed at the display, immediately buys the vacuum. Another salesman sees this exchange and goes up to the same house later that day. This salesman knocks on the door, and as soon as the house owner opens the door the salesman shoots him dead. He then proclaims “I’m here to sell you life insurance!”

A hurricane walks into a bar.
The owner doesn’t have life insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.

Why did the calendar buy life insurance?
His days are numbered.

Why couldn’t the 3 speed mixer get insurance?
He was high whisk.

A genie tells a man he gets four things, but his wife gets double it.
The first thing he wants is a million-dollar life insurance policy.
The genie says ok, but your wife gets a two-million-dollar policy.
Then, he asks for a new car.
Ok, but your wife gets two.
Then, he asks for an 8-bedroom house.
Finally, he asks to be beaten half to death.

Did you hear about a hitman working at an insurance company?
Offers life insurance and death assurance.

Do you know that Female spiders eat the male spiders after mating?
They know collecting life insurance is easier than child support.

Why was the high wire artist denied life insurance?
Outstanding balance.

Vandals had set fire to a farmer’s haystack which then spread to his barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $50,000 the amount of insurance on the barn.
“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

Why is arguing with an insurance adjuster like wrestling a pig in the mud?
After a while, you realize that he likes it.

How do you define a Life Insurance policy?
Life insurance is a policy that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Wife: If I become a widow, I will get all the money from insurance.
Husband: I will give my life, but I won’t let it happen.

A 76-year-old walked into an insurance office.
and asks to buy a life insurance policy. The salesman asks him how old he is, and he says that he’s 76. The salesman replies that you can’t buy a policy over the age of 75.
The old man replies “But my 99-year-old father came here last week and bought a new policy”
The salesman replies “Obviously he knows the manager personally – come back on Thursday when the manager is in.”
The old man replies “I’m busy this Thursday – my grandfather is getting remarried.”
The salesman replies “What? How old is he?”
The old man replies “He’ll be 122 next month.”
The salesman replies “Why is he getting remarried?”
The old man replies “He doesn’t really want to – but his parents are pressuring him.”

What do a life insurance policy and a woman have in common?
They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.

What’s the difference between a whole life policy and a man?
A whole life policy eventually matures.

How is needing insurance a lot like needing a parachute?
If it isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing it again.

The military is testing new life insurance policies.
One doctor decided to measure from one point on the body to another and give the recipient 1,000 dollars for each inch. After explaining this to 3 test subjects they ask the first one to come in. It’s a low-ranking private. “Where would you like us to measure?” The doctor asks. “From the top of my head to the tip of my toes,” he says while he stands on his tip toes. “Ok that will get you about 72,000 dollars,” the doctor says. The private smiles and walks out thinking he got the best deal.
Next, a captain walks in. “Where would you like us to measure?” the doctor asks. “From the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes,” says the captain while he stands on his tiptoes and reaches for the ceiling. “Ok that will get you about 105,000 dollars,” the doctor says. The captain walks out knowing there is no way to get a better deal.
Next, a 4-star general walks in. “Where would you like us to measure?” The doctor asks. The general grunts and in a deep voice says, “From the tip of my dick to the back of my balls.” The doctor is shocked. “Are you sure sir? Even if you are well endowed you are only going to get about 8,000 dollars.”
“Just do it,” the general replies. So the doctor starts to measure. He starts at the tip and slowly works his way back to his but exclaims, “Holy shit where are your balls!?”
“Back in Vietnam mother fucker!”

What does life insurance and a bukkake have in common?
They both have you covered.

Does Lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance?
Life insurance for himself and car insurance for his wife because women are objects.

Why are airplane pilots paid so much?
It’s to cover all the life insurance.

How is buying life insurance similar to fixing your roof?
The longer you wait, the more expensive it gets.

Do you have a funny joke about Life Insurance? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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