Los Angeles is getting ready for the 2028 Olympics, and it’s going to be big, like “traffic jam longer than a marathon” big. The city is promising futuristic stadiums, eco-friendly arenas, and enough palm trees to make athletes think they accidentally signed up for a beach vacation. With all the excitement, one thing is for sure that Olympics Jokes will be in full swing. From athletes struggling with LA’s overpriced avocado toast to tourists mistaking a movie set for the actual games, the comedy potential is as high as a pole vaulter.
Of course, the Olympics have always been a gold mine for jokes. Whether it’s a sprinter who starts too early or a gymnast who lands like a sleepy cat, every event has its share of funny moments. Even commentators add to the fun, describing sports like it’s a life-or-death situation. As LA 2028 gets closer, the jokes will only get better, proving once again that while athletes go for gold, the rest of us are just here for the laughs.
Best Olympics Jokes
What would you call a worldwide weight-loss competition?
The Ozempics.
Aren’t you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the LA 2028 Olympic Games?
“I’m head over heels!”
At a dinner party, the Olympics were the topic. The husband mentioned that he loves to see all different nationalities compete, but he just doesn’t like the presence of mixed-races.
His wife kindly reminded him that the correct term is “Triathlons”.
An Olympic runner adopted 3 kids named Seth, Mark, and Onya.
One day there was a fire and he shouted, “ONYA, MARK, GET SETH AND GO.”
Did you know that mining was one of the original Olympic games?
It got cut because it’s a boring sport.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Olympic.
(Olympic who?)
O-limp-ic over the fence to get a better view of the games!
What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the LA Olympics?
So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
At the Olympic Village, a spectator saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, “No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?”
Yo mama so fat, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has voted unanimously to make running around her an Olympic event.
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
You’d come in fourth so you wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.
Why does Africa never win the Olympics?
Because it’s a continent, dumb*ss.
What do athletes do with a camera?
Take Olympics.
Did you hear that the Somalian Olympic team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee?
They realized that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!
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Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport?
Cause you can only get bronze.
After Nigeria was unable to win any Gold medals in the Paris Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who traveled to France.
He said he just needed their bank details and PINs to complete the transaction.
Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?
She didn’t win gold but her execution was flawless.
In the Olympics, we should allow the athletes to take as many drugs as possible.
Most want to see how high they can jump!
What’s in the middle of the Olympic sprinter’s hyphenated last name?
A 100-meter dash.
China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics, but was stripped of the medal after it was revealed that Dong Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16
And they would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those medalling kids.
The next Olympics are expected to have a new event where you drink 10 cups of herbal tea.
It’s called the decaflon.
Olympic Results for Sailing are out:
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
Which Olympic sport generates the most conversation?
Discus.
Why will the athletes sweat a lot less at the 2028 Olympics than at the last one?
There are a lot of fans.
Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?
The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are trying to get into the Olympics with no tickets.
The Englishman found a large wooden pole lying on the ground near him. He picked it up, put it under his arm, walked in the gate, and said, “Bentley, England, pole vaulting,” and they let him in.
The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, put it under his arm, walked in the gate, and said, “McGregor, Scotland, discus,” and they let him in.
The Irishman picked up a roll of barbed wire, put it under his arm, walked in the gate, and said, “Murphy, Ireland, fencing.”
What is the most tragic Olympic story of all?
A gymnast walks into a bar.
If procrastination were an Olympic sport,
You will surely participate in the next one.
Why were the Olympic Games held in Finland only once?
Because sportsmen from other countries didn’t get finish.
After watching the Olympics, a little boy says to his mom, “When I grow up, I want to be like Ryan Lochte!”
She says, “Honey, you can’t have it both ways.”
How can you tell which Russian Olympic spectators are KGB agents?
The ones with food.
What did the people with bad breath play at the LA Olympics?
Bad-mint-on.
2028 Olympic high jump results:
Gold – Mexico
Silver – Mexico
Bronze – Mexico
Yo mama so tall, when she ran in the Olympics she just had to take one step to cross the finish line.
Why was Aladdin disqualified from the LA Olympics?
He was on performance-enhancing rugs.
Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the LA Olympics?
It was dope.
Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal in the LA Olympics?
She was so proud she had it bronzed.
What kind of phone does an Olympic Gymnast use?
A flip phone!
Why wasn’t the Koala allowed to race in the Olympics?
It hadn’t Koala-fied.
An animal illegally entered to compete in the Olympic track and field races.
He won all races by a very big margin but was stripped of all his medals.
Cause he was a Cheetah! He should not have been in the human Olympics anyway!
What do Olympic runners eat before running?
Nothing cause they fast.
Did you hear about the cheese that lost at the Olympics?
It fell over on the final curdle.
A Mexican athlete finally got a medal at the LA Olympics.
The police are still searching for him.
Yo mama so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics.
The Infectious Disease Olympics has been canceled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned.
Turns out Water Polio wasn’t such a good idea.
Did you hear about the stoner who entered the LA Olympics?
He came first in high jump.
What’s the best Olympic sport?
Diving, hands down.
Did you hear about the Olympic hurdler who became a dog breeder?
She had a great pair o’ knees.
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.”
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
The trainer exclaimed, “Oh, so that’s what finished him off?!!”
“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.”
What would happen if a Jedi had to complete an Olympic Marathon?
You get Luke Skyrunner.
Michael Phelps, the legendary Olympic swimmer, once owned a school that taught people to swim the backstroke.
Unfortunately, the school went belly up. It couldn’t stay afloat.
Yo mama so ugly, if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be the dream team.
Why doesn’t Mexico have any star Olympic athletes?
Because any Mexican that can swim swiftly, run fast, or jump high doesn’t live there anymore!
According to state media, one of the Chinese Olympic torchbearers is part Uighur.
Some believe they gave him a spleen or a kidney.
What do Olympic skaters take to improve their skills?
Thigh-Roids!
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
Because they practice at the best schools.
There are a lot of practices in China that raise red flags.
Like winning a gold medal in the Olympics and singing the national anthem.
Regarding the people who jumped off the back of the Titanic while it was sinking,
Are they considered Olympic-class divers?!
Do you have a funny joke about the Olympics? Write down the puns in the comment section below!
Did you hear about the Olympic runner who bought a pair of spikes off a Paris drug dealer?
He doesn’t know what he laced them with, but he’s been tripping ever since.
Do you know how an Olympic athlete steals another teams hoodie?
They jacket!
Do you know why the Olympic athlete left his sponsorship with “Nike”?
He “Just Couldn’t Do It” any longer!