Rugby is a game where men become gods, and gods end up with a mouth full of turf. Ah, the game of rugby—designed by people who thought, “You know what’s missing in football? The opportunity to give another grown man a concussion without all those pesky pads.” For those not in the know, rugby is that sport that’s not quite American football, not quite soccer, and definitely not for the faint of heart. It’s the sport where cauliflower ear is considered a trophy and diving is an activity left to synchronized swimmers.
Now, onto the real kicker—Rugby Jokes. What’s the secret weapon of any self-respecting rugby player? A sense of humour strong enough to withstand a scrum! Because, let’s be real, if you’re willing to spend 80 minutes trying to turn your opponents into human pancake stacks, you need to lighten up sometimes. How many rugby players does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to change it, and five to head to the pub and bask in the glory of the changed bulb. And why did the rugby ball go to school? To get a little “kicker” education! Sure, the jokes might not win any literary prizes, but they’ll help you tackle life with a grin—just like any rugby player on match day!
Best Rugby Jokes
What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets?
You won two, three for five six nations tickets.
How can you tell if a prop is walking, jogging, running or sprinting?
His expression.
Why did the kid give up on playing Rugby in high school?
Because his family were not that supportive, no matter how many points he scored, all that anyone could say was “Nice try!”
Your mama so small she plays rugby with a piece of rice.
How many American rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Both of them.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Scrum.
(Scrum who?)
Scrum on over, it’s time to engage!
Do you know that your favourite sport says a lot about your life?
For example: rugby has a breakdown every ten seconds, and so does you.
Why are Jedi so bad at rugby?
Because there is no try.
Did you hear about Oscar Wilde’s quote about rugby?
“It’s a great way to keep 30 bullies away from the centre of the city.”
What’s a carpet’s favourite sport?
Rugby.
Why can’t a Brit get into American football?
They rugby the wrong way.
They’ve invented a new version of rugby where only people who wear glasses can play it.
It’s a non-contact sport.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Rugby.
(Rugby who?)
Rugby ready, the match is about to start!
Why are music composers so much better at sports than rugby players?
Rugby players can try, but only composers know how to score.
How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?
Ask them if they play league.
What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?
Rebel Scrum.
A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off.
Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good. His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.
One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business. He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, realized that he knew nothing about business. He decided to employ someone to run the shop.
The next day he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. At the end of the interview, the former rugby player asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And the man replied, “Why, yes, I couldn’t help noticing you have no ears.” The rugby player got angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” He got upset again and showed her the door.
The third and last interview was with the best of the three. He was a very young man fresh out of college. He was smart and handsome and seemed to know all about the sportswear business. The rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the young man answered: “Yes, you wear contact lenses.”
The former rugby player was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears!”
Why do referees in professional rugby always give penalties against chickens?
Because they always award against professional fowls.
Do you know that flankers used to be called ‘wing-forwards’?
But that name was changed because it didn’t rhyme with anything!
Why was the ear of corn chosen to play rugby?
They picked him for being husky.
An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The South African was first. He thought for a while, then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.”
This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Australian was next up. After watching the South African’s horror, he said smugly, “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness,” the Kiwi replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish”?
“Tie the Australian to my back.”
What rugby position does Stevie Wonder play?
Blindside flanker.
What do you call a rugby player who took doping to gain an edge against his opponents?
A drugby player.
What’s the difference between a tackle and a high tackle?
A scrum half.
Why did the rugby player go to the bank?
To try and save his tries!
What do you call a rugby player who doesn’t chase the ball?
A referee!
A Scottish rugby player at the end of his high school career is ecstatic to find out he is being considered for a scholarship to Harvard. All he has to do is show up to visit the coach and he’s sure to be a shoe-in.
After a long flight, he finds himself on Harvard’s campus, but without a campus map or guide, he gets lost and has to ask for directions. He spots two students coming his way down the path, approaches them, and asks in his deep Scottish accent, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the rugby field is at?”
The two Harvard students are aghast, “Excuse me,” one says, casting a horrified glance to his friend, “This is Harvard. We are a respectable institution, and as such we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
The rugby player thinks for a moment then looks the student dead in the eye, “Can you tell me where the rugby field is at, asshole?”
Why did God invent beer?
To stop prop forwards from taking over the world!
Why did the rugby player stand just off the pitch wearing a dress?
Because he was in touch with his feminine side!
Why isn’t Master Yoda a fan of rugby?
Because there is no try, only do, or do not.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the rugby team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage, but the man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“New Zealand, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave New Zealand?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.”
“Is that right?” replied the manager. “My wife is from New Zealand!”
“Really?” replied the boy. “Who did she play for!?”
Why didn’t the rugby team that came in first win any matches?
Because they won a cup, why on earth would they win a box of matches?!
Which dinosaur is the best rugby player?
A Try-ceratops.
What do you call people who follow rugby players around?
Backs.
What is a bee’s favourite sport?
Rugbee.
Three middle-aged women are sitting on a park bench discussing their children.
“My son William studied Architecture at Cambridge. He’s 25 years old now and he makes £70,000 a year at Bregmann and Hamann,” the first woman says.
“My son Charlie read Law at Oxford. He’ll be turning 23 in October and he makes £100,000 a year at Shoe Lane Chambers,” says the second woman.
“My son Max didn’t go to uni. He left school at the age of 16, as a matter of fact. He’s 30 now, but he makes half a million a year working as a sports mechanic in London,” the third woman says.
“I’ve heard of car mechanics, plane mechanics, and typewriter mechanics, but not a sports mechanic. What’s that?” the first woman asks.
“Well, you know, he fixes rugby matches, football matches, tennis matches…”
What should you do if you don’t succeed at rugby right away?
Try, try again!
What do you get when you cross rugby and the invisible man?
A game like no-one has ever seen.
Did you hear about the Local team of ghosts who have taken up rugby?
They are excellent at scoring drop ghouls!
A very tall man walks into a bar.
A lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. “What’s that for?” the lady questions. “Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.”
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. ‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again. “Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.”
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis, he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”
The man replies, “No, no…!!! Calm down…!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute.
What is a rugby team consisting of emos called?
A bayonet charge.
Why didn’t the rugby player score?
Because he didn’t try.
Why these new rugby matches in space will never take off?
There’s just no atmosphere!
Recommended: Baseball Jokes
An Aussie and a Kiwi are sitting at a pub, downing a few beers, after a game of rugby.
The Kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, “Bro, if I shagged your wife over a railing and got her pregnant, would it make us related?”
To which the Aussie replies, “Dunno, mate, but I do know it’ll make us even.”
Why is Rugby the most salacious sport?
It is the only sport that has hookers right on the field and involved in every play.
What’s Women’s Rugby?
The only time you’ll see a bunch of lesbians desperate to get their hands on a ball.
Do you have a funny rugby joke? Write down your own rugby puns in the comment section below!
My wife has threatened to leave me if I don’t stop my rugby obsession.
Just let her try.