Welcome to the lighter side of America’s favorite pastime! In this blog, we celebrate the joy and laughter that baseball brings to millions of fans around the world with a collection of hilarious baseball jokes and puns. We’ve scoured the internet and dug deep into the dugout to compile a roster of the most rib-tickling one-liners, clever wordplay, and side-splitting puns that are guaranteed to hit a home run with fans of all ages.
From the casual observer to the die-hard devotee, our collection of baseball humor has something for everyone. So grab your glove, step up to the plate, and let’s swing for the fences as we explore the playful and witty side of baseball. Get ready to laugh until it’s the bottom of the ninth because this blog is a grand slam of baseball hilarity!
Best Baseball Jokes
Did you hear that the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team?
He’s the pitcher.
How do you know that baseball is actually illegal?
Hit and run is a felony.
Yo mama so skinny, she used a needle for a baseball bat.
What is an alcoholic’s least favorite part of a baseball game?
The bottom of the 5th.
Homer you gonna let me in so I can tell you about the amazing game I just played?
Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?
It’s the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.
A rough, hard drinking baseball umpire was upset because he couldn’t get his little boy to sit on his lap and talk to him.
After all, the son never sits on the brutish umpire.
What is the difference between a baseball and Prince William?
One is thrown to the air. The other is heir to the throne.
What do you call a baseball player that holds water?
Yo mama so fat, everyone at the baseball stadium sat on her.
Do you know that turkeys aren’t allowed to play baseball?
No matter how many times they hit, they’ll always hit Fowl balls.
How is Korean boxing like baseball?
They always knock out one of the Parks.
Batter hurry up and open the door, I’ve got a game to win!
What are Pee Wee Herman’s favorite baseball teams?
The Expos and The Yankees.
Why could a Karen never date a baseball player?
Cause they’re out of her league!
A kid walks into the middle of a field with a baseball and a bat.
He tosses the ball up to hit it. He swings, misses, and yells “Strike ONE!” Tosses it up a second time. Swings. Misses. “Strike TWO!” On the third time he tosses it up, he swings, and yet again, misses. “Strike THREE!”
“Wow,” he said. “I didn’t know I was such a good pitcher!”
Who is the most non-acidic Baseball player ever?
Do you know where the Torah mentions baseball?
In the big inning.
What’s the difference between watching baseball and paint dry?
Watching paint dry does not take as long as watching a baseball game and you may even see more runs.
Do you know that the pitcher’s position in baseball is crucial?
But the catcher’s really takes balls.
Why is baseball is America’s greatest lie?
A man with four balls cannot walk.
Did you know that baseballs cost less than volleyballs?
Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game in 1993.
During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent approaches Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill glances up at the agent and adds, “I’m not sure I can do that.” The agent then responds, “Well, sir, it’s the teams’ and fans’ request, and I believe we should give the people what they want.” “Well, if the people want it, the people will have it,” Bill Clinton adds.
Bill turns to Hillary, grabs her by the collar of her shirt and the belt on her waist, and throws her over railing and onto the field. The crowd goes wild, and Bill Clinton waves at the fans as Hillary is face down on the ground.
The secret service agent nods his head and sighs and says, “Sir, what they wanted was for you to throw the first pitch.”
Why do pancakes usually win baseball games?
They have the best batter.
Did you hear about Chewbacca’s first year as a major league baseball player?
It was so successful that they named him wookie of the year.
What is more exciting than baseball?
Why do baseball players shout?
Because they’re all in caps!
Did you hear about the baseball player who can spot a fast food restaurant from miles away?
He leads the league in Arby eyes.
Why did the baseball player get arrested?
He stole a base.
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals.
Why are kleptomaniacs the best baseball players?
They steal all of the bases.
A man walks into a bar with his dog.
The bartender tells him, “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.”
“This is no ordinary dog,” Guy says. “This dog can speak English.”
“Sure…,” says the bartender. If you insist. Please exit now.”
The man responds, “No, I can prove it. Dog, what is on top of this building?”
“Roof,” says the dog.
“Clever,” says the bartender. “Now I’ll ask you once more: “Will you please leave?”
“Oh, no, seriously!” says the guy. “Have a look at this:”Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” “Ruff,” goes the dog.
“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!” says the bartender.
“Wait, please,” pleads the guy. “Dog, who do you think is the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth,” responds the dog.
The Bartender yells, “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!”
Soon, the guy and his dog leave the bar.
Outside dog turns to guy and says, “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
Did you hear about the first baseman who got hit in the face with a baseball?
Now he’s a burst faceman.
Who will be the next baseball player inducted into the Hall of Fame?
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All of the fans left.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She ran away from the ball.
What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.
A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game.
He knows nothing about the game so when the first batter got walked, the Scotsman asked the fans next to him what happened.
“He got four balls, so he gets to go to first base freely,” to which the Scotsman stood, and clapping loudly, shouted, “Walk proud, lad! Walk proud!”
What baseball team tells the best jokes?
What position does a crab play in baseball?
What kind of animal is best at hitting baseballs?
What did the US say when England was up at bat in a baseball game?
Why shouldn’t you let a chicken be the pitcher in baseball?
He tends to balk a lot.
A man was looking for a parking spot at a baseball game and was already missing the first inning, so he prayed to God, saying, “If you find a parking space for me, I vow I’ll never miss church again.”
Just then a car pulled out of a space right in front of him, and the guy said, “Never mind, I just found one.”
Do you know that the ten largest baseball stadiums hold between 46,000 – 56,000 people?
Just some ballpark figures for you.
What do Betty Crocker and Major League Baseball have in common?
Do you know that Bruce Wayne’s parents owned a baseball team?
It’s true, before he was the batman, Bruce was the bat boy!
What do you call a snail holding a baseball bat?
Have you heard of the liquor store that has a baseball team?
They’re not the best, but they’ll definitely give you a rum for your money.
Abe and Sol, two elderly guys, relax on a park bench feeding pigeons and discussing baseball.
“Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?” Abe asks Sol.
Sol pauses for a moment before responding, “I dunno.” But here’s a deal: if I die first, I’ll return to tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake it, and regrettably, Abe dies a few months later. Soon after, Sol is alone in the park feeding the pigeons when he hears a voice mutter, “Sol… Sol… “
“Abe!” answers Sol. Is that you?”
“Yeah, Sol,” Abe’s ghost says quietly.
Sol, still taken aback, inquires, “Well, is there baseball in there?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.” “Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
Why are vampires lousy at baseball?
Because their bats always fly away.
Have you heard that Pornhub has announced they’re sponsoring a baseball team?
They’re called the Yankees.
Why do criminals play baseball?
They can hit, run and steal.
Why can’t baseball umpires have children?
Where do Chicago worms play baseball?
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes it’s.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That’s nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: That’s my dad outside.
Man: How much did you say the baseball was again?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it’s.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: That’s nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.
Man: How much did you say the glove was again?
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”
What do you call it when a woman uses a baseball bat for pleasure?
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
Why does China have the best baseball team?
Because they took out the whole world with one bat
Recommended: Chinese Jokes
What’s the difference between baseball and Chinese martial arts?
In baseball, many men chew, but few men smoke. In Chinese martial arts, many men smoke, but fu manchu.
Why didn’t Jesus play hockey?
Soccer and baseball are much more popular sports in Mexico.
Why don’t they allow lesbians to play baseball?
When they get to third base they think they’ve scored.
What was the score of the Ethiopian baseball game?
Did you hear the one about the baseball pitcher with terrible aim?
“Never mind it’ll fly over your head.”
What is a baseball player’s favorite kind of music?
What’s a cake’s favorite baseball position?
Batter, obviously. But more importantly, it only likes to bundt.
Why do the best baseball players never lock their doors?
Because they’re always safe at home.
Why are bad hitters in baseball excellent bowlers?
Because they always strike out!
Who is the Fonz’s favorite baseball team?
The Oakland Aaaaaayyyyyyyyyyes.
What do Sean Connery, a concrete company, baseball, and folks without technology have in common?
A schwing and Amish!
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is.
Recommended: Orphan Jokes
What do Nazi’s and baseballs have in common?
Everyone cheers when you hit them with a bat.
Did you know that Michael Jackson was a gifted baseball player?
He was big in the minors.
What’s the especially of an ambidextrous, bisexual baseball player?
It swings both ways.
Why do baseball players never have to worry?
Because they cover all their bases.
An American, landing in India: Does anyone here know how to play baseball?
Why did the baseball player go to the bathroom?
Because he had the runs.
Where do baseball players store their shovels?
In the dugout!
How is a baseball field like a sperm bank?
If you build it, they will come.
Do you have another baseball joke or one liner? Post your own baseball puns in the comment section below.
Why do baseball games always seem so rich?
Because they’re always full of “diamonds”!