Politics is the world’s least boring soap opera, where the drama is real and the stakes are high. It’s a realm where promises are made, sometimes kept, and often forgotten, much like a teenager’s promise to clean their room. Politics is like a game of chess, but with more talking and less quiet contemplation. It’s full of big personalities, bigger debates, and the biggest headlines.
From the daily news cycle that spins faster than a carnival ride to the passionate discussions around dinner tables, politics infiltrates every part of life. It’s a rollercoaster of policies, polls, and punditry that can leave your head spinning. And in the midst of this whirlwind of serious affairs, Political Jokes find their perfect place, offering a lighter take on the often heavy world of politics.
Political Jokes are like the secret sauce that makes the tough pill of politics a bit easier to swallow. They’re a way to poke fun at the often absurd theatre of political life without getting too caught up in the seriousness of it all. These jokes are the jesters in the court of political kings, bringing laughter to a field that can often be too grim. They remind us that while politics is important, it’s also okay to step back and laugh at the absurdities. Political Jokes dance around the sensitive edges of political discussions, bringing a chuckle to supporters and critics alike. In a world where politics can divide, these jokes offer a moment of unity in laughter, reminding us that sometimes, you have to laugh to keep from crying. So as the political world turns, let these jokes be your lighthearted guide through the twists and turns of democracy’s never-ending story.
Best Politics Jokes
Why are Political speeches similar to are like steer horns?
A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
What does the recent upheaval in British politics represent in general?
Truss in the system.
What’s the most unfair thing about American politics?
They get 50 choices for Miss America, but only two for the president of America.
Have you heard about the political party that’s using really good weed to promote their political views and opinions?
It’s propaganja.
What is the definition of politics?
Poly meaning many. And ticks meaning blood sucking parasites.
What is wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
How many Just Stop Oil activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn’t matter, they can’t change anything.
Why do political parties hate organized crime?
They don’t like voter competition.
Yo Mama so fat, her ass has its own congressman.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?
Kid: Forget it. There seem to be too many requirements.
Did you know one can forgive many forms of corruption in politics?
But gerrymandering is where one draws the line.
Why is the Z the only politically-correct letter?
Because all the other letters are not-Z’s.
Why did homeless people vote for Obama?
Because he said he’d bring change.
Do you know what elves rely on during political campaigns?
Propagandalf.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.
Remember the guy who was arrested for impersonating a politician?
He was just sitting there doing nothing.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
What does a politician do after he dies?
He lies still.
A child asked his father, “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, “Only when they call each other liars.”
Did you hear that terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians?
They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren’t met.
What are junk food’s political beliefs?
Preservative.
How is life in Politics?
Full of parties.
A cop knocked on a man’s window while he was stuck in traffic.
“Why is there such a traffic jam?” he asked the officer as he rolled down his window.
The officer answered, “Terrorists have kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to drown the politicians in 1000 gallons of gasoline if a $5 million ransom is not paid within an hour. I’m going from car to car collecting donations and would appreciate it if you could assist me.”
The man replied, “Ok. How much are others contributing?”
The officer replied, “On average, about two gallons.”
Recommended: Election Jokes
What is the difference between Elections and Politicians?
Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for.
It is so cold outside, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
How is Vladimir Zelenski a backward politician?
Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
What’s the difference between a politician and an onion?
There are no tears when you chop up a politician.
What’s the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
A thief steals your money and then runs while a politician run and then steals your money.
Did you hear people accidentally installing a program that keeps showing them a picture of a Chinese politician?
Most think it’s maoware.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ below 70?
A politician.
A soldier, a cop, and a politician confront three burglars who have broken into a building.
The politician instructs the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then instructs the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two knock each other out.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says, “I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut.”
Did you know that a politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light?
For support, rather than illumination.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them.
What’s the difference between a catfish and a politician?
One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
What do politicians and diapers have in common?
Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
What do politicians and diapers have in common?
Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
What do you get if you ask a politician to tell “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
3 different answers.
A politician, a liar, and a crooked man enter in a bar.
He sits down and drinks coffee.
A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.
To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.
The examiner asks the first question, “When did the USA gain independence?”
The spy says, “July 4, 1776.”
E: Good. How many continents are there?
S: Easy peasy, seven.
E: Damn, you’re good. Which continent is Turkey in?
S: Technically, Turkey is in two continents; Asia and Europe, since some parts of-
#gets cut off#
E: Woah, you know your geography. Let’s do some history now. Who first discovered America?
S: Most people think Christopher Colombus did, but actually Leif Erikson first discovered the lands of our blessed country, America.
E: Who was the first President of the United States?
S: Peyton Randolph. George Washington was the country’s first elected president. But he was by no means the country’s first president.
The examiner realized this guy was a spy at this point because an actual American doesn’t know shit.
What’s the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians?
Politics
Ukrainians defend their Capitol.
Recommended: Republican and Democrat Jokes
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?
Place a “Welcome to California” sign on every road leading out of Texas. They’ll turn right around.
Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What’s left for straight white men?
The Trump card.
Why are there so few female politicians?
It’s hard to put makeup on two faces.
Where do politicians get their hair cut?
Budget Cuts.
Why does death exist?
To enforce term limits on politicians.
A man parked his car outside the parliament.
“Sir, you can’t park here,” said a cop. “This is where our politicians work.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve locked it.”
What is the real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse?
You cannot post, “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don’t exist.
What’s the best way for politicians to run?
With scissors.
What is the difference between a Politician and a Werewolf?
one of them is an inhuman beast who has thrown away its humanity and has no concern or care for the people it hurt.
Did you hear about the politician with no body?
They say he’s ahead in the polls.
What’s the difference between a fetus in the US and a politician in the US?
The fetus is legally required to become a human being.
A man is sitting on a park bench, reading a newspaper. “All politicians are assholes,” he yells as he throws the paper to the ground.
“I take offense to that!” says a man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit.
“Why?” asks the irritated man. “Are you a politician?”
“No,” he says, “I’m an a$$hole.”
What’s the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road, and a dead politician on the side of the road?
The skid marks infront of the dog.
In a job-swapping exercise, a politician was assigned the job of a math teacher. Guess what did he teach the kids in the class.
Division.
What’s the difference between a bird and a politician?
One sh*ts on people from great heights and the other flies through the air.
What do politicians, drug addicts, and birds have in common?
They all have friends in high places.
A man enters heaven, but the first thing he notices is a wall covered in clocks.
“What are those clocks for?” he asks an angel.
“Each clock represents one human on Earth; every time they lie, the clock moves forward by one minute; for example, this is the Pope’s clock; it has never moved, implying that he has never lied in his life.”
The angel continues on. “This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock, and it’s only moved twice, which means Lincoln only lied twice!”
The man asks, “Are there clocks for other politicians?”
The angel says, “Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices.”
Did you hear about the Math teacher who failed a kid on his square root test?
Many think it was politically motivated as he refused to buy into her radical agenda.
If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?
Joe mama.
Recommended: Joe Biden Jokes
What do US politics have in common with a dry prom?
No punchline.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks “How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?”
“Well,” says the director, “We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible.”
“I see,” says the politician, “and if he’s got any sense he’ll choose the bucket.”
“No,” says the director, “If he’s got any sense he’ll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?”
What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticized, and is known for f*cking people and taking their money?
Politician.
How do politicians wrap presents?
With lots of red tape.
What do you call a politician with a clear conscience?
An Alzheimer’s patient.
A politician paid a visit to a small rural village and asked the residents what the government could do for them.
“We have two major needs,” the village chief explained. “First and foremost, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
“I have sorted it out,” the politician said after pulling out his cellphone and speaking for a few moments. Tomorrow, a doctor will arrive. What else do you require? ”
“Our village has no cellphone reception at all.”
Did you hear about the horse politician?
She ran for mare.
Do you know why you are supposed to bury a politician 100ft down?
Deep down, they are good people.
Which symptom is shared by all the politicians worldwide?
Constipation. They are always full of shit.
An Indian minister is invited to the residence of an American politician.
The American politician shows his Rolls Royce to the Indian minister.
“Isn’t it lovely?” he asks the minister.
“Hmm, yes,” said the Indian minister.
“Wanna know how I was able to afford it?” the American politician asks, pointing to a bridge, “5% of its construction funds went into my pockets.”
The minister simply nods.
A few weeks later, the minister invites the American politician to a party at his home. The American politician was astounded by the minister’s mansion when he arrived. It appeared to be a royal mansion.
“Where did you get the money to buy it?” he asks the minister.
The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says, “You see that bridge over there?”
The American politician replies, “What bridge?”
“Exactly,” replies the Indian minister.
Recommended: Indian Political Jokes
Did you hear that politicians never discuss Indian flatbreads?
They say it’s just a naan issue.
What did the politician say to the brassiere company?
“I’d appreciate your support!”
Why are politicians like bananas?
They go in young and green and come out bent.
A bus carrying politicians crashes in a deserted area.
The accident could only be seen by one man, a farmer. The farmer who owns the nearby house heard the noises and went to investigate, calling the police and an ambulance on the way. A police officer knocks on his door 30 minutes later and asks, “Where are the people involved in the crash?” “Don’t worry officer, they were all dead, so I buried them,” the farmer says. The policeman is perplexed and asks if he is certain, to which the farmer responds, “Yeah, some of them said things like “I’m alive, please stop! But you know the politicians right? They are all f*cking liars.”
Why do corrupt politicians learn to play the harp so easily?
They’re good at pulling strings.
What do a politician and a professional golfer have in common?
Sub-par performance.
What computer code will give you the moves of a politician?
The Al Gore rhythm.
A man and his wife were talking about what they wanted their son to be when he grew up.
“I have an idea,” the father said. On the coffee table, he placed a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible. “If he accepts the money, he will become a banker. If he drinks the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he reads the Bible, he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife go into hiding just as their son walks in the door, and watches from where they’re hiding.
The young man strolls over to the coffee table. He takes up the ten-dollar bill, examines it, and then places it down. He takes the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, and then places it down. Then he takes up the Bible, flips through it, and puts it down.
The boy then stuffs the money into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks away with the Bible under his arm.
“Well how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
Why do Programmers make good politicians?
Their goto is to switch statements.
What type of disease are politicians afraid of?
Pro-state cancer.
Recommended: Trump Jokes
What do you call a failed political campaign?
An electile dysfunction.
Experts from different fields were asked the question: “What is 2+2?”
Physicist: 10.
Cable News Anchor: What is 2+2? let’s debate it with our panel of shrieking experts.
Politician: If you vote for me, I promise to change 2+2 to equal lower taxes!
What kind of democracy would Five Guys run?
A two patty system.
What do you call a liberal politician who likes to insult people?
Bernie Slanders.
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.
The assailant says, “Give me all your money.”
The politician says, “Do you know who I am? I’m an important government official.”
The mugger says, “Fine, give me all my money.”
What’s every politician’s favorite healthy food?
Word salad.
What do u call a politician with a potato in his pants?
A dicktater.
The devil pays a visit to a politician and makes an offer.
“I can make some arrangements for you,” the devil says. “I’ll get you billions of dollars, unrestricted political power, and anything else you can imagine. All I ask in return is that millions of people around the world die of disease and poverty.”
The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What’s the catch?”
What did the British man say to the sunburned politician?
“Aloe Governa!”
How do you make a politician laugh?
Have a poli-tickle debate.
North Korean, United States, and an Irish Politician walk into a bar.
Everyone orders a beer. When they go to drink them, they notice a fly in each of their beers.
Outraged, the North Korean politician declares war and threatens to destroy the bar for allowing this to happen.
A US politician declares that stricter sanctions and regulations will be imposed on the restaurant and bar industry immediately.
The Irish politician grabs the fly by the wings and screams, “Spit it out, you bastard!!!”
How are Christmas Eve and Christmas Day like American politics?
Both are a two-party system.
Did you hear the joke about the Government cover-up?
No? Good.
A politician is stepping down from office and shaking the hand of a newcomer. The old bear motions for the newcomer to approach him and exchange words.
“You’re now a public figure. You must act in a most respectable manner, and you must care for your people – not so much that they require you, but just enough that they remember who you are. Most importantly, keep these two letters close at hand.”
“If you ever find yourself in a situation you can’t get out of, open the first letter and you’ll be safe.” When you find yourself in another situation from which you cannot escape, open the second letter.”
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don’t do dick.
What’s the difference between a politician and a hooker?
A hooker will stop f*cking you once you run out of money.
What do politicians and p*rn stars have most in common?
They’re experts at switching positions in front of the camera.
How are Politicians similar to sperm?
One in a million turns out to be an actual human being.
What happens when you give a politician viagra?
He gets taller.
Do you have a better political joke? Please share your clever political puns and one-liners in the comments section!
It’s hard to know where you stand politically these days…
… Am I right?