Veterans Day rolls around every November 11, standing tall and proud on the calendar as a salute to the men and women who donned the uniform and served their country with bravery. It’s a day steeped in gratitude and reverence, marked by parades where the flags wave as enthusiastically as the little kids perched on their parents’ shoulders. We pin poppies to our lapels, shake hands with heroes, and if we’re lucky, we get to listen to grandpa’s war stories that somehow manage to mix up historical timelines with episodes of MAS*H.
Now, when it comes to Veterans Day jokes, tread lightly, for humor in the barracks can be as tricky as a drill sergeant’s pop quiz. The topics that might tickle the funny bone could involve the lighter side of military life, like the great mystery of where one’s left sock disappears to during laundry day in boot camp or the culinary conundrums faced when trying to spice up yet another meal of MREs (Meals Ready-to-Exhaust). It’s about those moments when the sergeant major’s stern look could almost make you forget your own name, but not the words to every cadence ever shouted during a march. The humor found here is the kind that brings veterans and civilians to the same table, sharing laughs that echo the camaraderie and spirit of those who serve, all while keeping the tone as respectful as a crisp salute.
Best Veterans Day Jokes
What do you call a soldier who covers himself in sage, thyme, salt, pepper, and saffron?
A seasoned veteran.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Noah.
(Noah, who?)
Noah good joke about Veterans Day?
What is a veterinarian?
Someone whose diet strictly consists of veterans.
Why wouldn’t the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?
There were too many vets.
Why don’t skeletons go to the Veterans Day parade?
Because they don’t have anybody to go with.
A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee”.
“Have you ever been in the military?”
“Yes, I served two years in Iraq”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Do you have any disabilities?”
The guy says, “Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles”.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “OK, you’re a dis*bled veteran, you have enough points for me for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start here tomorrow at 10 am, and make that your start time every day”.
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are 8-4, why don’t you want me here til 10 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”
What do you get when you cross a veteran and a danish dessert?
A Pastry-iot!
What do HumorNama’s jokes and an Army Veteran have in common?
They’re both reposted.
How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
YOU DON’T KNOW, MAN, BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE..!!!
Three grizzled veterans eyed the new recruit with contempt.
“Son, I served multiple tours as a Marine in Afghanistan and killed 40 men!”
“That’s nothing! My hummer hit an IED, and I still have pieces of it in my leg!”
The third smiled and simply said, “I was a member of SEAL team six.”
“What have you, in your eighteen years accomplished that we could respect?”
“I went to public school in the US.”
“Yes Sir, Lead the way!”
How many veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
You don’t know, man! You weren’t there.
What did a husband say to his veteran wife that recently gave birth?
“Thank you for your cervix.”
Recommended: Military Jokes
A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts “If it weren’t for me you’d all be speaking German!”
“That’s right” replies the German teacher.
A kid asked his veteran grandfather, “What’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?”
Grandfather replied, “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”
Why did the waiter get a veterans’ discount?
Because he served our country.
What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?
A loo-tenant.
Why was the veteran battery sad?
He was let go due to a dishonorable discharge.
A war veteran Robert enters the bar and orders a drink on Veterans’ Day. A man to his right strikes up a conversation. After an hour and many drinks, they discover that they are both Vietnam veterans.
Robert begins, “I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I saw everything that war had to offer.
The other veteran replies, “Oh, I still have nightmares about everyone I’ve killed. It’s dreadful!”
Robert says, “I completely understand; I’ve killed 15 men.”
“But you were only a helicopter mechanic, right?” the other veteran asks.
Robert replied, “Never said I was a good one…”
Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?
Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM.
What is the insurance for Canadian military veterans?
U-S-eh-eh.
Recommended: Veterans’ Day Memes
Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.
Do you know what your grandfather got for surviving the mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?
He got the seasoned veteran award.
Why do WWI veterans dislike golf?
They always end up in the bunker.
How are war veterans and janitors alike?
You won’t believe the sh*t they’ve seen.
A 97-year-old American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. The man took a few minutes at the French customs desk to find his passport in his carry-on bag. “You’ve been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer sarcastically inquired. He admitted to having previously visited France. “At that point, you should know enough to get your passport ready.”
“I didn’t have to show it the last time I was here,” the American senior said. “Impossible; Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!” the Frenchman replied. Then he explained quietly.
“Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”
What does an American WW2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea?
Sherman tanks.
What do you say to a retired soldier that’s being chased by a dog?
“You veteran.”
Does anyone else hate their war veteran grandads at the dinner table?
Kids are trying to eat dinner here grandad, they don’t care how many Jews you’ve killed!
A veteran’s son asks him, “Dad, did you get shot in the army?”
The dad replies, “Nope! But I got shot in the leggy.”
What did the old war veteran say at Thanksgiving dinner?
“‘Nam ‘nam ‘nam ‘nam.”
Recommended: Thanksgiving Jokes
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
What do you call a veteran working at a sandwich shop?
A submarine.
What’s the WWII veteran’s name?
Norman D.
With Veteran’s Day coming up, a father asked his son if he knew why the army was so strict about their uniforms.
He didn’t know, so the dad told him, “It’s to minimize casual tees.”
What do you call a motivating veteran?
Positive reinforcement.
After 35 years, a General retired and fulfilled a lifelong dream by purchasing a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to come and shoot pheasants with him for a week. “Sarge,” the General’s new bird dog, wowed the friend. The dog could point, flush, and retrieve like no other, and the friend offered to buy the dog for any price. The General declined, stating that Sarge was the best bird dog he had ever owned and that he would not part with him under any circumstances. The same friend returned a year later for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. “What happened to ol’ Sarge?” he inquired.
”Had to shoot him,” grumbled the General. ”A friend came to hunt with me and couldn’t remember the dog’s name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his a** and bark.”
What’s the slogan of a clothing store that only sells to veterans?
No service, no shirt, no shoes.
What music does a decorated veteran listen to?
Heavy Medal.
After many years in captivity in enemy territory, Lt. Victor Danforth returns home to much fanfare. After his return, he is interviewed by journalists on national TV.
“Lt. Victor. You were endlessly tortured by the enemy, but you held out. How did you do it?”
“I’m sure there was nothing special I did. I mean, sure, the enemy was relentless. One week they’d put me in a hot box, the next week they’d put me in an ice box. One week they wouldn’t give me any water, and next week they’d waterboard me. One week they’d put me in solitary confinement, and the next week they’d shove 50 of us prisoners like sardines in a small cage. So on average, circumstances were quite idyllic.”
Lt. Victor was a statistician in his previous civilian life.
How does a World War 2 veteran snore?
Nazzzzz, Nazzzz.
What do menopausal veterans get?
Hot flashbacks.
Bowe Bergdahl walks into an Applebees in his uniform.
Eats a hearty dinner, and is satisfied with it. Afterward, the waitress comes over and asks, “Dessert sir?”
Bergdahl replies, “Already did.”
A veteran walks into a bar.
He sits down next to his friends and is about to say a joke about blondes when he is suddenly cut off by a blonde from another table who is 6’4 and strong. “What we’re you about to say?” Then the blonde waitress walks in holding a baseball bat standing next to the other blonde. Then the blonde chef comes in with a knife on her belt standing next to the two. “Tell us the joke you were about to say?” The veteran responded by saying, “Not if I have to explain it 3 times over.”
How do you clear out a veteran’s bingo hall?
B 52.
On Veteran’s Day, you say, “Thank you for your service.”
On Memorial Day, you say, “Why weren’t you better at your job.”
Recommended: Memorial Day Jokes
What would your veteran friend tell you if you asked what the first ranking is in the military?
You wouldn’t get a straight answer… he will keep telling you it’s private.
Remember the veteran who had a heart of a lion?
Which is why he is banned from every zoo.
What does “Secure the Building” mean to veterans?
If you’re a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase “secure the building.”
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means going from room to room and clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and locking the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.
What does an amputee veteran do?
He calls for arms…!
What do you call an army of dis*bled people?
Special forces,
A WWII veteran goes to a doctor’s appointment.
The old veteran sits down in the doctor’s office for his check-up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.
“Okay,” says the doc, “when’s the last time you were sexually active?”
“1946,” says the veteran.
“Oh. It’s been a while, huh?”
The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. “Not really. It’s only 2135.”
What do you call a veteran’s uncomfortable erection?
Battle of the bulge.
Why did the Vietnam veteran cross the road?
”YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!!!!!!”
What do you call a homeless shelter for Veterans?
Jail.
A green co-pilot boards a plane and meets the veteran pilot flying with him.
The pilot looks at him and tells him, “Son, your wife’s legs have spent more time in the air than you have!”
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know your barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?” The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, dis*bled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”
Why do veterans only have a day but gay people have a month?
Because being gay is more tragic than being a veteran.
What do you call stories by war veterans?
Veggie Tales.
Of course, a simple “Thank you for your service” is appropriate at all times. However, if you want to express your gratitude in a more humorous way, we found some meaningful jokes above. Let us know if you have any better Veterans Day puns or one-liners!
What does an animal doctor have in common with a German soldier after WWII?
They’re both veteran Aryans.
My Grandad was a WWII veteran.
In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators. Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.