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40 Funny Veterans Day Jokes And Puns

Funny Veterans Day Jokes For Military
Happy Veterans' Day Jokes

Veterans Day is observed on November 11th in the United States to honor military veterans and victims of all wars. To commemorate the occasion, we’ve compiled a list of the funniest jokes.

Every November, the United States honors soldiers and veterans who have fought for the country. From us to you, Happy Veterans Day to all who have served and continue to serve.

Best Veterans Day Jokes

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Noah.
(Noah, who?)
Noah good joke about Veterans Day?


Why wouldn’t the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?
There were too many vets.


Why don’t skeletons go to the Veterans Day parade?
Because they don’t have anybody to go with.


What do you get when you cross a veteran and a danish dessert?
A Pastry-iot!


What do HumorNama’s jokes and an Army Veteran have in common?
They’re both reposted.


How many veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
You don’t know, man! You weren’t there.


What did a husband say to his veteran wife that recently gave birth?
“Thank you for your cervix.”


A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts “If it weren’t for me you’d all be speaking German!”
“That’s right” replies the German teacher.


A kid asked his veteran grandfather, “What’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?”
Grandfather replied, “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”


Why did the waiter get a veterans’ discount?
Because he served our country.


What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?
A loo-tenant.


Why was the veteran battery sad?
He was let go due to a dishonorable discharge.


A war veteran Robert enters the bar and orders a drink on Veterans’ Day. A man to his right strikes up a conversation. After an hour and many drinks, they discover that they are both Vietnam veterans.
Robert begins, “I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I saw everything that war had to offer.
The other veteran replies, “Oh, I still have nightmares about everyone I’ve killed. It’s dreadful!”
Robert says, “I completely understand; I’ve killed 15 men.”
“But you were only a helicopter mechanic, right?” the other veteran asks.
Robert replied, “Never said I was a good one…”


Recommended: Veterans’ Day Memes


Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.


Do you know what your grandfather got for surviving the mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?
He got the seasoned veteran award.


Why do WWI veterans dislike golf?
They always end up in the bunker.


How are war veterans and janitors alike?
You won’t believe the shit they’ve seen.


A 97-year-old American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. The man took a few minutes at the French customs desk to find his passport in his carry-on bag. “You’ve been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer sarcastically inquired. He admitted to having previously visited France. “At that point, you should know enough to get your passport ready.”
“I didn’t have to show it the last time I was here,” the American senior said. “Impossible; Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!” the Frenchman replied. Then he explained quietly.
“Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”


What does an American WW2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea?
Sherman tanks.


What do you say to a retired soldier that’s being chased by a dog?
“You veteran.”


Does anyone else hate their war veteran grandads at the dinner table?
Kids are trying to eat dinner here grandad, they don’t care how many Jews you’ve killed!


A veteran’s son asks him, “Dad, did you get shot in the army?”
The dad replies, “Nope! But I got shot in the leggy.”


What did the old war veteran say at Thanksgiving dinner?
“‘Nam ‘nam ‘nam ‘nam.”


Recommended: Thanksgiving Jokes


A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”


What do you call a veteran working at a sandwich shop?
A submarine.


What’s the WWII veteran’s name?
Norman D.


With Veteran’s Day coming up, a father asked his son if he knew why the army was so strict about their uniforms.
He didn’t know, so the dad told him, “It’s to minimize casual tees.”


What do you call a motivating veteran?
Positive reinforcement.


After 35 years, a General retired and fulfilled a lifelong dream by purchasing a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to come and shoot pheasants with him for a week. “Sarge,” the General’s new bird dog, wowed the friend. The dog could point, flush, and retrieve like no other, and the friend offered to buy the dog for any price. The General declined, stating that Sarge was the best bird dog he had ever owned and that he would not part with him under any circumstances. The same friend returned a year later for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. “What happened to ol’ Sarge?” he inquired.
”Had to shoot him,” grumbled the General. ”A friend came to hunt with me and couldn’t remember the dog’s name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.”


What’s the slogan of a clothing store that only sells to veterans?
No service, no shirt, no shoes.


What music does a decorated veteran listen to?
Heavy Medal.


How does a world war 2 veteran snore?
Nazzzzz, Nazzzz.


What do menopausal veterans get?
Hot flashbacks.


Bowe Bergdahl walks into an Applebees in his uniform.
Eats a hearty dinner, and is satisfied with it. Afterward, the waitress comes over and asks, “Dessert sir?”
Bergdahl replies, “Already did.”


How do you clear out a veteran’s bingo hall?
B 52.


Recommended: Memorial Day Jokes


What would your veteran friend tell you if you asked what the first ranking is in the military?
You wouldn’t get a straight answer… he will keep telling you it’s private.


Remember the veteran who had a heart of a lion?
Which is why he is banned from every zoo.


What does “Secure the Building” mean to veterans?
If you’re a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase “secure the building.”
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means going from room to room and clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and locking the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.


What does an amputee veteran do?
He calls for arms…!


What do you call a veteran’s uncomfortable erection?
Battle of the bulge.


Of course, a simple “Thank you for your service” is appropriate at all times. However, if you want to express your gratitude in a more humorous way, we found some meaningful jokes above. Let us know if you have any better Veterans Day puns or one-liners!

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