An anti-joke is one that makes you laugh by defying the final expectation of a joke. That is, it will at least attempt to be amusing. It’s a type of meta-comedy that (ideally) makes you laugh by providing something you never expected to see.
It entails the joke teller presenting something that is neither funny nor lacks intrinsic significance. The practice is based on the audience’s expectation of something amusing, and when this does not occur, the irony itself is amusing. The punchline is the lack of a punchline. Anti-humor is also the foundation of many forms of pranks and hoaxes.
Best Anti Jokes
I have a bed but do not sleep. I have a mouth but do not eat. What am I?
Tired and hungry.
Why can’t Helen Keller see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Because she died in 1968 which predates the birth of Cinnamon Toast Crunch by 16 years.
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
Tenants.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Steve?
(Who’s Steve?)
(Shit wrong door. Sorry.)
No problem.
What do you call a cross between a Toyota and a Honda?
A cross. Some priest must have dropped it.
My friend said to me, “What rhymes with orange”
I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
How do you fight off three home intruders with nothing but a TV remote?
Please respond quickly.
What do lesbians and donuts have in common?
They’re both plural nouns.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
A letter from their family. They probably haven’t seen their wife and kids in years.
What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell from a tree would kill you?
Pool table.
What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart?
A scalpel and a chest seperator.
What do you call the day before Easter?
Saturday.
Yo mama so fat, she enrolled in a weight-loss program to improve the lives of herself and her beloved children.
Recommended: Yo Mama Jokes
What do you call a naked man walking on the moon?
Dead.
There was this assassin who demanded $10,000 for each bullet.
One day in the pub, a man approaches him and asks, “Are you the one who costs $10,000 per bullet?”
“Yup.”
“What if you fail?”
He gives the man a deadly serious look. “I never miss…”
“Okay, so I’ve got $20,000 to play with. I recently discovered that my wife is having an affair with my best buddy. They’re now staying at the same motel.”
“Let’s go,” says the assassin.
So they drive across the street to a store and climb up on the roof. The assassin pulls out his rifle and adds a scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.
“Hold on a minute,” said the assassin, “I’m just taking some time to line up my shot to ensure I don’t miss.”
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the batmobile?
“Robin get in the batmobile.”
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Someone else’s cheese.
What’s costlier than a diamond?
2 diamonds.
Why couldn’t the blonde dial 911?
Because her angry boyfriend took her phone.
Knock, Knock.
(Who’s there?)
The Cops.
(The Cops who?)
Look sir, there was a horrible car accident and your parents are dead.
What did the Jew say when he entered the bank?
“I am now in the bank.”
Why was Bill not able to find his book?
He lost his book.
What did one Russian man say to the other?
I don’t know. I don’t speak Russian.
What’s orange and bad for your rectum?
A traffic cone.
What’s icy and bad for your teeth?
A comet.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
The reason we should stop dumping toxic waste into rivers.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “I did not give you sufficient data to determine whether or not these women are married. The way a woman chooses to consume ice cream has no correlation to her marriage status.”
Why did little Timmy fall off his bike?
Someone threw a fridge at him.
Why doesn’t Hitler like going to gay bars?
Because he’s dead.
Three American guys start digging a hole straight down, guess where they came out?
The same hole, after they got tired.
What’s black & white, and red all over?
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner.
What did a Chinese man say to an English man?
早上好。你是英国人吗？你会说中文吗？
Recommended: Asian Jokes
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What’s yellow and is something you shouldn’t drink?
A school bus.
What’s the difference between Hitler and a rabbit?
Hitler preferred mass murder to carrots.
What do you call a fish with no neck?
A regular fish. Fish don’t have necks.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O.”
The second one says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O, too.”
The bartender tells them they’re out of water due to the drought.
A Japanese serial killer, an American school shooter and a middle-eastern terrorist walk into a bar.
They struggle to communicate because they all speak different languages.
Why can’t Beethoven piss in the dark?
Because he’s dead.
Why did little Timmy fail his math test?
It’s an automatic fail when you don’t show up and Timmy was busy flatlining in the hospital.
If the opposite of PRO is CON, then the opposite of progress is?
Regress.
What did the pirate say when he turned 81?
Nothing. He stood alone and sobbed uncontrollably, wishing that he could exchange all of his loot to get back the family and friends who all died long before him.
Unable to bear his sorrows for another lonely year, the old pirate kicked the stool out from underneath himself and smiled for the first time in years. He would see them again soon.
What do you get when you mix a teenager and a gun?
Probably a dead teenager as guns aren’t organs.
Why does Africa never win the Olympics?
Cause it’s a continent, you idiot.
When is the best time to tell your wife you’ve been having an affair?
There’s no good time, it’s one of the hardest conversations anyone can have.
Do you know what the toughest part about being a gay, black police officer is?
The discrimination.
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.
What a fine example of an integrated community.
An Arab, a Mexican, and a black man are in a car together. Who’s driving?
The Arab. These three buddies went to a night out together and the Arab is a Muslim. Because he doesn’t drink due to his faith, he has offered to drive the others back home, preventing anyone from driving under the influence.
Recommended: Mexican Jokes
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50 Mexicans!
How do you make a plumber sad?
You kill his wife and kids.
What do you call someone who kills all your cereal
An asshole.
What was the rock called as a kid?
Dwayne.
Why can’t a pumpkin ride a bike?
Because it doesn’t have any arms or legs.
What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 meters long?
A long f#cking snake.
What did the farmer say when he lost his plow?
“Where’s my plow?”
Why shouldn’t you climb up the slide?
So you won’t get hit from the person going down the slide.
Why did mary fall off her bike?
She was shot down by the police for mass murder.
What do you call it when you have a side chick?
Cheating.
What’s black and hangs from a tree?
A tire swing.
A Muslim walks into a bar.
The bartender knew about the religious constraints of Islam and so he politely said, “I’m sorry. We don’t serve non alcoholic drinks here.”
“I know,” the Muslim guy replied, “I’m here just to use the restroom.”
“Ah, fair enough,” the bartender smiled.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because birds don’t actually urinate.
What do you call a black man in space?
An astronaut.
Jeffrey Dahmer walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Nope, that shit’s not funny. I don’t care if it’s Halloween, get out.”
Why couldn’t Vincent Van Gogh wear headphones?
Because he died in 1890 and they didn’t have headphones then.
What do straight dudes, gay dudes, and bi dudes have in common?
They’re dudes.
What do you call a trans woman that still dresses masculinely?
Her name, just like you would any other woman.
Why do black people love fried chicken?
For the same reason, white people love fried chicken; because it’s delicious.
A man met a lovely lady and immediately decided he wanted to marry her. “But we don’t know anything about each other,” she said. “That’s fine,” he responded, “we’ll get to know one other as we go.”
So she agreed, they married, and they went on their honeymoon to a very wonderful resort.
He got up from his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board, and did a two-and-a-half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
He returned and lay down on the towel after a few more examples.
“That was wonderful!” she said.
He stated, “I used to be an Olympic champion in diving. I told you we’d get to know each other better as time went on.” So she stood up, hopped in the pool, and began swimming lengths.
She climbed out of the water, laid down on her towel, and was barely out of breath after 75 lengths.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“Yes,” she said.
What did Nelson Mandela say to Gandhi when he visited India?
Nothing… Gandhi died in 1948 and Mandela’s first visit to India was in 1990.
What’s the difference between 96 and 69?
27.
What’s brown and sticky?
Shit.
What do you call two girls walking the streets late at night?
A taxi. They probably need a ride.
What do you call a pregnant woman riding on a bus?
A passenger.
Why couldn’t the child see the pirate movie in theaters?
He is blind.
Recommended: Blind Jokes
Three guys are traveling through the woods when they come across a genie in a bottle. They crack the bottle, and a genie appears. “You have finally released me after all these years!” the genie exclaims, delighted. As a reward, you each get three wishes.”
The first person exclaims, “I want a billion pounds!” POOF, he’s clutching a printout indicating that his account balance has increased to 1,000,000,003.50. The second man pauses for a moment before declaring, “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s clutching paperwork proving his net worth has surpassed $100 billion. The third man thinks about his request even longer before saying, “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the remainder of my life.” POOF, his arm begins to rotate.
The Genie informs them that it is time for their second wish. “I want to marry the most gorgeous woman on the planet,” says the first guy. A lovely beauty wraps herself around his arm, POOF. “I want to be good-looking and personable so I can have every female I want,” adds the second guy. POOF, his appearance changes, and the first guy’s wife begin flirting with him right away. “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise till I die,” says the third guy. POOF, his arms are now rotating in different directions.
The genie advises them to consider their third desire very carefully. After a while, the first guy declares, “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to be well until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne clears up, and his knees no longer trouble him. “I never want to get old,” replies the second person. “I’d like to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he immediately appears younger. “My last desire is for my head to nod back and forth,” adds the third guy joyfully. POOF, he’s nodding his head and waving his arms around again. The genie wishes them well, then vanishes, and the men soon part ways.
Many years later, they reconnect and catch up on their lives. “I’ve invested the money and tripled it many times over, so I and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever,” says the first person. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I haven’t caught a cold in all these years.” “Well, I created charities globally with a percentage of my fortune, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds,” the second guy replies with a smile. I haven’t aged a day since the last time we met, and sure, your wife is a real babe in bed.”
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says, “Guys, I think I f*cked up.”
What is the difference between my ex-wife and a house plant?
My ex-wife can’t perform photosynthesis.
What’s even easier than stealing candy from a baby?
Giving candy to a baby.
What did Vlad the Impaler say when he arrived at the Italian restaurant for his date?
“Hi, I have a reservation for Vlad the Impaler for two tonight at 7 pm.”
Why did the girl with no arms fall off the swing?
Because someone punched her in the face.
How can you tell when a mathematician has schizophrenia?
Asking for a friend.
Your mama so fat, when people see her walking down the street they say, “Damn. She’s pretty fat.”
What did number 7 say to number 9?
Nothing, numbers don’t talk.
Why are the two lesbians vegan?
They don’t like using animal-products.
Why doesn’t Jesus like Christian rock music?
Because it f*cking sucks.
Recommended: Jesus Jokes
What’s worse than jokes about the holocaust?
The Holocaust.
Why didn’t the guy die when he fell asleep with the car engine running in the garage?
Because it was a Tesla.
What do a banana and a helicopter have in common?
Neither of them is a Police Officer.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3…?
Because that’s the order they filmed them.
What’s the difference between this and that?
That is the question. This is the answer.
What’s worse than almost drowning?
Drowning.
How many Alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why was dad staring at the carton of orange juice?
He was having a stroke.
What do you call a homing pigeon that can’t find its way home?
A pigeon.
Have a better anti-joke? Post your own anti-humor jokes to increase the list above!
The best anti-jokes.