It’s winter – and we’ve all been told to ‘put a jacket on outside, or you’ll catch a cold!’ We’ve all felt the pain of cold weather, whether you’re used to harsh winters or have to deal with the occasional cold front. Laughter is an effective pain reliever. These cold jokes are so funny that even the most ardent winter fans will laugh.
The list contains short cold jokes, puns, and one-liners that will give you heater fun.
Best Cold Jokes
What did the rain say when it was too cold?
“What the hail?!”
What does a spy do when he gets cold?
He goes under cover.
What should you do if got cold?
Go stand in a corner because corners are always 90 degrees.
Harry up! It’s cold out here!
What is a country with a cold name?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
Yo mama so cold, she gives everyone around her frostbite.
How should one eat his food when one has a cold?
I – I – I – CHHHEEEWWWWWWW!!
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?
An old woman’s recollection of cheating on her fiancé with a thief named jack and watching him freeze to death.
What type of blanket makes you cold?
A wet blanket.
What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?
Did you hear about the fortune teller who could predict only cold winters?
Then he found out the crystal ball shop had sold him a snow globe.
Why should you carry french fries with you when walking your dog on a cold day?
French fries go well with chili dogs.
It sounds like you’re catching a cold.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
It’s too cold to wash them out-tide.
Customer: Waiter, My soup is cold.
Waiter: It’s Borscht.
Customer: Borscht, my soup is cold.
Why didn’t The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea?
Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.
What did the guy say who every morning on his way to work slipped on the frozen newspaper left on his front step?
“I have fallen on some hard Times.”
Yo mama so cold, when she sat in a hot tub, it froze.
Did you know that it was possible for anything to be hot and cold at the same time?
Until they discovered necrophilia.
When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat…..!
Is a warm toilet seat.
A man enters a store and notices a thermos.
The clerk approaches him and asks, “May I assist you with anything?”
“Yea! What exactly is it?”
“Oh, it’s a thermos!”
“What does it do?”
“It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!”
“I’ll take it.”
The man goes to work the next day, carrying this thermos. “What’s that?” his coworkers inquire.
“It’s a thermos,” he replies.
“What does it do?”
“It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!”
“So, what do you have in it?”
“Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.”
Recommended: It’s So Cold Outside Jokes
How cold is it?
It was so cold today, people saw a congressman put his hands in his own pockets.
Yo mama so cold, she got frozen by the freeze ray.
What did a cold particle say to its hot partner?
“You excite me!”
Did you hear about those calls in which the caller sneezes and ends the call?
Most people are tired of all these cold calls.
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?
They both enjoy cracking open a cold one.
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.
What did the cabinet maker do when he got cold?
He cupboard himself.
Yo mama so cold, she’s the refrigerated section at the grocery store.
What did the water say to the cold?
“You make me so hard!”
Do you know what they say about cold spaghetti?
“Those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.”
What do you call a cold, angry pig?
What do you need if you’re cold, while on the moon?
A space heater.
Why did the computer catch a cold?
Because somebody left the windows open all night.
Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter.
Scientist 1: It’s really cold outside, how many degrees?
Scientist 2: it’s -40°
Scientist 1: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Scientist 2: Yes.
Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?
Dad: It’s because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
What do you say when you feel a cold presence and hear a sharp knocking at the door?
“Honey, your parents are here!”
Yo mama so cold, she uses menthol body wash to get warmer!
What do you call The Joker in a Cold forest?
Joaquin in a winter wonder land.
Recommended: It’s Colder Than Jokes
What does a Pokemon say when it gets a cold?
It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen.
Didn’t work though, I only got 10% off.
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
What do you call an encyclopedia in the fridge?
Cold, hard facts.
Do you know that Justice is a dish best-served cold?
Because if it were served warm it would be justwater.
What is the worst part about kissing a perfect 10?
“How cold the mirror feels on my lips?!”
What do Mexicans eat when it’s cold out?
Why do men give their jackets to women when it’s cold outside?
Because no man wants to be blown up by a woman with chattering teeth.
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat.
What has 4 legs and goes booo?
A cow with a cold.
Cabbage in it’s cold outside.
Why do fewer marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
What do you call an espresso with a cold?
What do you call a cold cucumber?
What do you call a peanut with a cold?
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
What food is served hot but is always cold
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
Why is Deadpool’s house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall.
What do you call a cold you get twice?
Did you know habaneros can grow in the snow?
You would think they would get cold, but they are just a little chili.
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Emma bit cold out here – can you let me in?
Why was the football stadium so cold?
Because of all the fans.
Why do supervillains never get cold?
They dress in lairs.
What do an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common
If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold.
What do you call a cold hooker?
Why are cannibals afraid of being late to the party?
Because they’re afraid of getting the cold shoulder.
Why do penguins live in the cold?
Because they are brrrrrrrrrds.
What do you call a Jedi who is neither hot nor cold?
What do ice cubes take when they have a scratchy throat?
Claws the door, I’m getting cold!
How does a cold horse greet you?
Howdy. Neigh. Brrrrr.
What do you call a cold bird?
What do you call a group of superheroes with cold powers?
Just Ice League.
What would you call a rideshare in a cold vehicle?
Why do most murders in the Arctic go unsolved?
Because the trail goes cold.
Ken I come in? It’s cold out here.
Why was the spreadsheet so cold?
Its panes were frozen.
What did the hot coffee say when iced coffee made fun of him?
“Why you gotta roast me like that? That’s cold, brew.”
Where do they keep cold sheep in a hospital?
ICU (icy ewe).
When does a peach taste like an eggplant?
When ur sick with a cold.
Did you hear about the mathematician that was murdered?
It was cold and calculated.
Candice door open, it’s cold out here!
What device only measures cold?
It’s so cold out here that my fingers are numb.
If they were any number, they’d be digits.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold?
Why igloos are cold?
They have no 90 degree corners.
Did you hear about the lizard that got arrested?
He killed a fly in cold blood.
What do you call a cowboy with a cold?
A hoarse whisperer.
Fifi-ling cold. L-let m-me in!
Why did the guy named Rob get arrested after getting cold?
What is white, cold, and can kill you if fell from the sky?
Recommended: Snowman Jokes
How did the vegan start eating meat?
It’s so cold out, we had to chop up our piano for firewood.
We only got two chords.
How do you make rice wine cold?
Remove the “r.”
Why was the tale of the haunted refrigerator so calm and cold?
It was chilling.
Do you have a better cold joke? Put your winter puns and one-liners in the comments!