Happy mornings can brighten your day, but it’s not always that simple if you’re not a morning person. Here are some of the best and funniest good morning jokes to share with those you care about as you wish them a good morning.
Morning means different things to different individuals, and there has always been a stark split between morning people and night owls on the subject. Some people may leap out of bed with a spring in their step, while others trudge along sleepily until their morning coffee kicks in. Irrespective of the situation, these jokes fit for every morning.
Funny Morning Jokes
How is being cheerful and peppy in the morning similar to committing murder?
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual actually to go through with it.
What happens when you eat yeast and shoe polish?
You rise and shine every morning.
Did you hear about the man who every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months announced loudly to his family that he was going for a jog, and then he don’t?
It’s his longest running joke of the year.
Why is morning difficult in Athens?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Did you hear about the guy who got hit by the same bike every morning?
It was a vicious cycle.
What do you say when someone says, “Man, your clothes look gay?”
“I know, they came out of the closet this morning.”
How do nuns get up at 5:00 am every morning?
You get into the habit.
Why did the coffee taste like mud?
Because it was just ground this morning.
Why did the father give his daughter another apple in the morning?
She said that she only likes pears.
What did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth?
You’re gonna be Thor in the morning.
Why did the trucker sleep under his oil tanker?
To get up oily in the morning.
A man is strolling through a cemetery when he notices another man squatting beside a grave.
“Morning!” he calls out.
“No, just having a shit!”
Where do eggs enjoy their morning coffee?
On the poach.
How is a pig’s tail like 4:00 in the morning?
What did the rising sun say to the morning dew?
You will be mist.
Why couldn’t you shave this morning?
Because someone stole my mirror. The police are looking into it.
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What happened when you eat a kids meal at McDonald’s in the morning?
His mom was furious.
One morning, a man walks into a bar and greets the bartender. “Do you have gold toilets?” he inquires.
“What? Toilets made with gold? What are you on about?”
“Look, I got extremely wasted last night, but the only thing I remember is urinating in a golden toilet.”
Bartender says, “Okay, first, no we don’t have golden toilets. Secondly, hey Jimmy, I found the guy that pissed in your tuba!”
What’s a cannibal’s favorite morning drink?
A cup of Joe.
What do you name a dog with no legs?
Cigarette. Because every morning you take them out for a drag.
What is Amber Heards’ morning routine?
Wake up, Eat breakfast, Go to the bathroom, Get out of bed, Shower..
Did you hear about the guy who slips on the frozen newspaper left outside his front door every morning on his way to work?
Must have fallen on some hard Times.
If it’s called morning wood for men then what is it for women?
“Where the heck are you?” yelled the boss one morning. “It’s 8:30 a.m., and you were meant to begin at 8 a.m.”
“Don’t worry, I’m at my office.” the employee responded.
“Stop the shit!” he yelled. “I’m here in your office.”
“Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to inform you about my new job,” I said.
What is the first thing an organized ghost does in the morning?
Make a to boo list.
What do they call first thing in the morning in Poland?
The Krakow dawn.
What’s yellow and makes mothers happy?
The school bus in the morning.
Why was the police officer tired in the morning?
He hadn’t had his cop-ucchino yet.
Doctor: Is your cough better this morning?
Patient: Yes, doc. I’ve been practicing all night.
One morning as a newlywed couple lay in bed, the husband suggests, “How about you go brew us some coffee?”
“That’s your work,” says the wife.
“Says who?” asks Husband.
“The Bible, it’s on almost every page,” says the wife.
“The Bible says nothing about brewing coffee,” says the husband.
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): “See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
Did you hear about the neighbor who knocked on someone’s door at 2:30 am in the morning?
Luckily for him, the dude was still up playing his Bagpipes.
Where is the first place Batman goes every morning?
What do you call a quesadilla you eat in the morning
An employee called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.”
Boss exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
The employee replied, “Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!”
One morning, about 7:45 a.m., there was a big queue at a grocery store that only serves senior citizens and opens at 8:00 a.m.
A young man arrived from the parking lot and attempted to cut in front of the line, but an old lady drove him back into the lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to sneak in again, but he was punched in the gut, kicked to the ground, and rolled away by an old man.
As he reached the front of the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the damn door you’re never going to get in there!”
Did you hear about the guy who got sick at a funeral?
He was coffin all morning.
Bill woke with a severe hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he notices on the side table is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water.
He sits down and notices his clean and pressed clothes in front of him.
Bill glances around the room and notices that it is neat and clean. The rest of the house is as well.
When he takes the aspirins, he sees a note on the table, “Breakfast is on the stove, honey; I went early to go shopping. I love you.”
So he heads to the kitchen, where he finds a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also eating at the table.
“Son, what happened last night?” Bill asks.
His son explained, “You arrived home after 3 a.m., wasted and delirious. You shattered some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
“So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” Bill wonders.
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady leave me alone, I’m married!”
Did you hear about the guy police arrested last night for eating batteries?
The police say he’ll be charged in the morning.
What do dogs eat in the morning?
What do you call someone who can’t stop himself from eating every morning?
Xi Jinping sat on his balcony early in the morning, appreciating everything that Bejing has become.
He took a deep breath of fresh Beijing air and turned east to see the sun smiling down on him.
“Hello, Sun,” Xi Jinping said.
The sun said “Hello, Glorious Leader, the architect of a magnificent Communist utopia. Best wishes as you lead your already prosperous country.”
Despite his delight, Xi Jinping remembered he had an upcoming meeting. He praised the Sun and walked away.
As the day came to a close, a fatigued Xi Jinping returned to his office and pondered on it. He returned to his balcony and gazed westward at a stunning sunset. “Good evening, Sun,” he added, hoping to catch more praise.
The Sun candidly said, “Fuck you, I’m in the West now.”
What kind of condensation does Fred Flintstone see in the morning?
Yabba Dabba Dew.
What if clocks would hit you back in the morning?
That would be truly alarming.
What do you call the same shit every morning?
A drunken man is displaying his new apartment to pals.
The final stop is the bedroom, which has a large brass gong next to the bed.
“What’s that gong for?” his friend inquires.
“It’s not a gong,” says the drunk. “It’s a talking clock.”
“How does it serve?”
The guy takes up a hammer, pounds the gong loudly, and then steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 4:30 in the god damn morning!”
Why does the mechanic sleep under a car at night?
Because he has to wake up very ‘oily’ in the morning.
Why does the dyslexic farmer wake up every morning?
Because of his cron job.
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What does a statistics professor drink to warm up on a chilly morning?
One morning, a priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting for a particularly slow set of golfers.
Engineer says, “What’s the deal with these guys? We already have waited for more than 15 minutes!”
The irritated Doctor says, “I’m not sure, but I’ve never seen such stupidity!”
The priest says, “The greenskeeper has arrived. Let’s talk to him about it.”
“Hello there, Jimmy. What’s wrong with the group ahead of us, Jimmy? They’re a little slow, aren’t they?” asked the priest.
Jimmy says, “Oh, certainly, that is a team of blind firefighters. They became blind while rescuing our clubhouse last year. So we let kids play here for free at any time.”
“That’s very sad,” said the priest. “I’m going to say a particular prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist pal to see what he can do for them.
At last, the engineer says, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
Why do eggs get usually cooked in the morning?
Cause that’s when they breakfast.
What do you call a tree that only grows at sunrise?
Why do birds always sound happy in the morning?
Because they don’t have to goto work.
One evening, a man phones the proprietor of a liquor store. When do you plan to open the store tomorrow morning? The owner replies, saying, “We open at nine, Sir, goodbye.”
A few hours later, the same man phones again, this time a little tipsy, and asks the same thing. Sir, I’ve previously told you that we open at nine a.m., so please stop calling.
Then, at about four o’clock in the morning, he phones again. He’s completely wasted this time. He asked the same question once more. The owner, enraged by this point, screams at him, “You know when we open, and by the sound of your voice, we won’t be letting you in any time soon.”
The man says slowly, “Who said I wanted in, says the man, I want to get out.”
What do sharks eat in the morning?
What does a pirate do on Saturday mornings?
What is the first thing that a blonde always does in the morning?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Don’t let him drive that cargo freighter,
Don’t let him steer that cargo freighter,
Don’t let him near that cargo freighter,
early in the morning.
What’s 12” long and hard in the morning?
What do you call a morning coffee with semen in it?
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Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because the lad put on the wrong sock this morning.
The wife was in the kitchen one morning, ready to cook eggs for breakfast. As soon as her husband walked in, she turned to him and whispered, “You’ve got to make love to me right now!”
“This is my fortunate day!” he thought as his eyes lit up.
He didn’t want to miss out on the moment, so he gave her a bang right on the kitchen table.
She then murmured, “Thank you,” and returned to the stove.
“What was that all about?” husband wondered, a little confused.
She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning?
What’s the difference between scratch and sniff?
You don’t wake up in the morning and sniff your balls.
Did you hear about the guy who used Redbull instead of water for this morning’s coffee?
He was on the highway for 15 minutes before realizing he left his car at home.
A man has been drinking alone in a bar all day and checks his watch.
“It’s 1:30 a.m., fuck. I have to get home now or my wife would rip my balls off, ” he thinks to himself. But as he tries to stand, he falls awkwardly on the floor.
“I’m a little tipsy right now; I need to sober up.”
So he asks the bartender for a coffee, drinks it, and 30 minutes later tries to stand up, but falls to the floor again, this time harder.
At this time, he understands he has no choice but to return home, so he begins crawling toward his house. He arrives after 40 minutes, lays down next to his wife, and falls asleep.
His wife wakes him up the following morning and begins yelling at him, “So… how was your night last night? Was it enjoyable to drink all day?”
The man is certain his wife was asleep when he arrived home, so he plays it cool, “Not really, just hanging out with some coworkers… we didn’t drink much… just a couple of drinks.”
The wife starts nodding sarcastically and responds, “The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, you dumbfuck.”
If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.
If you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.
Why is it important to play a round of golf on the morning of your wedding?
That way the whole day isn’t shot.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.”
His wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”
What do Muslims call the early call to prayer that wakes them up in the morning?
The Allahm clock.
Why are men always suspicious in the morning?
Because you just know when they open their eyes, something is up.
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What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?
It’s hard to say, she’s already woke.
A nun comes out of bed, and runs into another nun, who laughs and says, “Someone got out of bed on the wrong side this morning!”
The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that cranky and goes to the bathroom, where she is confronted by another nun who checks her over, smiles, and says, “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
This repeats another 12 times, and the nun is enraged by this point. She runs into Mother Superior, who grins at her.
The nun screams, “Don’t ask me if I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
“I wasn’t going to.” Mother Superior replies, “I was just going to ask why you were wearing the Bishop’s slippers?”
How does Moses get his coffee in the morning?
Have a better corny joke for a good morning? Post your funny puns and one-liners in the comment section below.