Israel is a place where the hummus flows like wine and the geopolitical tension is thicker than a loaf of challah. This pint-sized Middle Eastern nation is a melting pot of history, religion, and cultures, where you can find an ancient wall, a tech startup, and a killer falafel stand—all on the same street. Yes, Israel’s got everything: beautiful beaches, sacred sites, and more political complexity than a Game of Thrones season finale. So what’s the common thread stitching this intricate tapestry together? No, it’s not the compulsory military service; it’s the indispensable Israeli sense of humor.
Now, you may wonder, how do Israelis keep their wit sharper than a shawarma knife? Israel jokes, that’s how! Whether they’re making light of their famously aggressive driving or quipping about the never-ending stream of elections, Israel jokes serve as comic relief in a land that often faces intense challenges. In a country where the past is always present and the future is a hot topic of debate, laughter isn’t just the best medicine; it’s the national elixir.
Best Israel Jokes
Did you know that The Holy Land isn’t a fake place?
Israel.
What if Israel gets wiped off the map?
Then we’ll have to start calling it Wasrael.
Who wins in a war between Israel and the Middle East?
Everyone in the Western world.
A tourist in Israel asks to see that famous place where Jews are wailing.
He’s given directions to the Israeli Tax Authority.
What’s the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli?
About thirty calories.
An Israeli commando is captured and is set to be executed along with an American reporter.
He asks the executioner, as a final request, to kick him as hard as he can in the ass. The executioner thinks it’s some kind of insult but sure enough the soldier is bending over and it’s hard to refuse. After being kicked the soldier easily breaks his bonds, knocks out the executioner, takes his rifle and quickly shoots the other guards. The reporter is thrilled to be alive and thanks the soldier profoundly, but can’t help but ask about his strange request. “Because if I hadn’t” the soldier replied, “you would report that I was the aggressor.”
Israel officially decriminalized marijuana use.
So that’s one country in the Middle East where one wouldn’t mind being stoned.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Israeli.
(Israeli, who?)
Israeli hot out here; open the door!
What would you call a video game on the Israel and Palestine conflict?
Hamas Effect.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thinks Israel is a legitimate state.
Ever met any conspiracy theorists in Israel?
They keep ranting about Jews secretly not controlling the government.
Recommended: Clean Jewish Jokes
A pilot lands a commercial plane in TLV and is taxiing on the runway.
“Thank you for flying with our airline. For your safety, please remain seated with seatbelts fastened until the aircraft has fully stopped at the gate and the seatbelt sign is turned off. For those who have already gotten up, opened the overhead compartment, brought down your luggage, and are standing in the aisles, welcome home.”
Have you heard about the new car from Israel?
Not only does it stop on the dime, but it picks it up too!
How do you start a rave in Israel?
You stick a quarter to the ceiling.
In Israel, why is it that only men are allowed to make coffee?
Because of Hebrew law.
A pollster asks the following question:
“Excuse me, what is your opinion on the lack of bread in the country?”
The Russian says, “What’s ‘opinion’?” The American says, “What is ‘lack’?” The North Korean says, “What is ‘bread’?” The Israeli says, “What is ‘excuse me’?”
USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has?
24/7.
What do you call an explosive in Israel?
Mazel Tov Cocktail.
How did the Israeli kid get an A+ in his history exam?
He left the answer sheet blank.
Recommended: Palestine Jokes
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he’s a Christian now.
The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says, “That’s funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian.”
The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says, “That’s funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.”
The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud, “Dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian.”
God’s voice booms down, “That’s funny…”
Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel?
He called it “Cheeses of Nazareth”.
What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?
A Jew.
An Israeli arrives at the London airport.
Border control: Name?
Israeli: Moshe.
Border control: age?
Israeli: 45.
Border control: Occupation?
Israeli: No, just visiting!
Why does Google like Israel?
Because Israel’s leader is Not In Yahoo.
Who provides tech support for Israel?
RabbIT.
A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.
While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.
The people there told him, “Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it’s going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.
The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home. When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said, “I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves to me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her.”
The husband replies, “Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I’m not about to take that risk with your mother.”
What is the national martial art of Israel?
Jew jitsu.
What do you say when you meet someone in Israel?
“Israeli nice to meet you!”
An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel.
When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well.
“What happened?” his friend asked.
“Well, since I didn’t know Hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The second panel showed him drinking Coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated.”
“That sounds great! Why didn’t it work?”
“Nobody told me they read right to left!”
Why do schizophrenic foreigners always get confused with the Israel-Palestine conflict?
Because they never know what is real and what is not.
What’s the slogan for Burger King in Israel?
“Have it Yahweh!”
Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.
“I’m telling you, Moskowitz, there’s an easy solution to all the problems Israel has.”
“I’m sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein.”
“No, no, no. I say we invade the United States.”
Mr. Moskowitz almost choked on his drink. “Invade the- what possible good do you think that could do for us! We would be absolutely destroyed if we declared war on them!”
My. Finklestein’s face lights up. “Ah-hah! That’s all part of the plan! We would be in such a terrible state that the U.S. would have to give us aid in order to rebuild ourselves! Now, we have modern U.S. technology, and if our neighbors would never attack us while the U.S. is occupying us!”
Moskowitz thinks about this for a while. Is the plan so crazy it might actually work? “Phah,” he says. “With our Jewish luck, we would win the war.”
How can you tell when a country isn’t fake?
When it Israel.
How come Israel isn’t caught up on current events?
Because they live under Iraq.
A CNN reporter is in Israel.
She sees a man praying by the Wailing Wall. She walks up to the man and begins interviewing him.
“Sir, how long have you been praying here”
Looking at his watch, the man replies, “I have been praying here for 60 years, 3 months, 17 days, and 3 hours”
“Sir, what have you been praying for”
“I have been praying for world peace, an end to hunger, an end to famine, an end to AIDS, and goodwill towards all men”
The reporter then asks,” Sir, how do you think its going?”
The man looks her straight in the eye, and says “It’s like I’m talking to a f*cking wall!”
What do you call the candles on a Menorah?
Israel lights.
What is the Irish solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict?
A two stout solution.
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.
Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family-oriented and held women in high esteem. The donkey shows they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel tells us they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: if famine hit the land, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.”
However one of his fellow archaeologists begged to disagree.
“Hebrew is read from right to left,” he explained. “The symbols say: “Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that chick.”
How do you know when an orange comes from Israel?
When it’s tangy and hasidic.
What do you call Israel’s legislative system?
Jude Law.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Israel.
(Israel who?)
Israel nice to meet you!
A law in Israel will only allow Electric Cars.
They have a bad experience with gas.
Why can People in Israel only have 3 skins?
Because Jews weren’t allowed to have foreskins!
Why aren’t there any school shootings in Israel?
Because there aren’t any Palestinian kids there to shoot.
An Iranian, an Israeli, and a Nazi are walking through the desert when they happen upon a magic lamp! Excited, they rub the lamp and a Genie appears. “Thank you for releasing me! In exchange, I will grant you each one wish”.
The Iranian thinks for a minute, and says, “My people get pushed around by the rest of the world, but we would be fine if we had 1,000 tanks”. The Genie says “Granted”.
The Israeli thinks for a minute and says, “My country is in danger now because of these tanks, I wish for a wall around Israel that will keep out these tanks and protect us”. The Genie says “Granted”.
The Nazi thinks for a minute, and says, “Tell me about this wall”. The Genie replies, “Well, it is 1,000 meters tall, 100 meters thick, and made of solid steel. The only way in our out is by helicopter or plane”. The Nazi thinks for a bit, asks, “Nothing can get through?”. “Correct,” says the Genie.
The Nazi says, “Fill it with water.”
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What is the sex-position where you are surrounded by circumcised dicks and they constantly try to f*ck you even when you don’t want to?
Israel.
Why are circumcisions cheap in Israel?
Because rabbis work for tips.
Guys, Stop saying “Free Palestine”.
The Israel will want it even more.
Which country has the highest rate of tattoos?
Israel.
During the late 1960s, an IDF sergeant and a buck private were out on patrol. The sergeant is berating the private for his constant stupidity and incompetence. Suddenly, they’re attacked by an Egyptian patrol.
“All right, private,” the sergeant yelled, “Hurl a grenade their way!”
“A grenade?” The private asked, confused.
“Dammit, private!” the sergeant screamed, “You don’t know what a grenade is?! Hurl something inflammatory! Something incendiary!”
“Got it, Sarge,” the private replied, and then stood up, cupped his hands, and yelled at the patrol, “Long live the state of Israel!”
It must be Halloween every day in Israel.
Since they’ve been pretending to be a country for 76 years.
Why is the smoking rate so high in Israel?
They miss their ancestors and want to see ’em again.
Do you have a funny Israel joke? Write down your own Israel puns in the comment section below!
I’m starting to think Jews really do run this country.
but don’t want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel.
“The Palestinian cause will never go away” – Jeremy Corbyn
It will if the Israelis kill them all.