70 Clean Jewish Jokes Only for The Chosen People

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Jessica Amlee


The Jewish culture is rich, deep, and has survived millennia, bearing stories of triumphs, tragedies, and unwavering faith. Central to Jewish life are the traditions, rituals, and celebrations that have been passed down through generations. From the solemnity of Yom Kippur to the joyous spins of the dreidel during Hanukkah, it’s a culture that knows when to reflect and when to revel. And let’s not forget the time-honored Jewish tradition of “schmoozing” (chatting) over a good meal, because if there’s one thing Jewish families love, it’s gathering around a table full of kugel, brisket, and latkes.

Now, onto the lighter side, Jewish jokes often emerge from the very essence of Jewish life, drawing humor from the quirks and idiosyncrasies that come with the territory. Have you ever heard the one about why Jewish mothers never play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you’ve got 20 minutes to eat before your fast starts! These puns offer a lighthearted peek into Jewish life, emphasizing the community’s ability to find humor in even the most mundane moments. After all, it’s said that laughter is the best medicine, and in a culture that has mastered the art of chicken soup for the soul, a chuckle is just the kosher cherry on top!

Funny Jewish Jokes

What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
The pizza can have ham and cheese together.

What do you call a Jewish rapper?
Doctor Dreidel

What is the objective of Jewish football?
To get the quarter back.

How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?
“No, that’s all right. I’ll just sit here in the dark.”

What do you call a Jewish rock band?
“I want my nickelback.”

What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture?
Bench Appearo.

Did you hear about the new Jewish Sports Car?
It stops on a dime then picks it up.

What do you call a Jewish piano?
A cash register.

What’s the biggest Jewish conundrum?
Free Bacon!

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he’s a Christian now.
The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says, “That’s funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian.”
The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says, “That’s funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.”
The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud, “Dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian.”
God’s voice booms down, “That’s funny…”

Why do some Jewish people believe in Santa Claus?
Because he isreal.

Recommended: Israel Jokes

How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it.

Did you hear about the Jewish mother doll?
You pull the string on its back and it says, “Again with the string?”

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity, and we’ll give you $100.”
The one says to the other, “Should we do it?” The other says, “NO!! Are you crazy?” The first guy replies, “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I’m gonna do it.”
So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out. The friend asks, “Well, did you get the money?” He replies, “Oh that’s all you people think about, isn’t it?”

How do Californians address a Jew?

How is Judaism a lot like the pH scale?
On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

What do Jews do when they get cold?
They all huddle around a candle.
What do Jews do when they get really cold?
They light the candle!

How does a Jewish onion say hello?

What do you get as a holiday gift for a Jew who already has everything?
The New Testament.

An anti-semitic walk into a bar, looks around and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, “A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.”
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The anti-semitic is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected.
Later. he goes back to the bar and says, “Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf!” The anti-semitic looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before.
“Is that Jew a complete fool or what?” he asks the barman Bartender responds, “Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar!”

What do you call a non-practicing Jew?

Where do imaginary Jews live?

A Jewish gentleman walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender looks up and says, “Hey, where’d ya find that?”
The frog replies, “Brooklyn, there’s thousands of em.”

What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews.

Who are the three cowboys in Adon Olam?
Billy Ray Sheet, Billy Tachleet, and Kid Ruchi.

A Jewish man is stranded on an island for 20 years.
He is finally rescued by a team, and he insists on showing them the life he’s built for himself there. They come across a small clearing with a bunch of makeshift buildings.
He points to the closest one, “That’s my home.” He continues to point to the other buildings as they walk by.
“There’s the supermarket. And the bank. And the saloon. Over there is my synagogue, where I went to pray that someone would come rescue me.”
A rescuer pointed to a lone building away from the rest. “And what’s that?” The Jewish man disdainfully says “Oh, that. That’s the other town synagogue… We don’t go there.”

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decides to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said “That’s not funny”, to which the Jew replied, “Oh, I guess you had to be there.”

What do you call a Jewish holiday?
A challah-day.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
“I don’t have a clue!!!” the Rabbi said.
“First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.”
“And then what?” asked a woman.
“Who knows!!” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!”

How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?!

Recommended: Hanukkah Jokes

Do you know how to say ‘congratulations!’ to a Jewish bodybuilder?
Muscle tough.

A Jew went into synagogue, calling for his g-d. “Lord, are we the chosen people?”
“Yes, Heime, you are my chosen people.”
“The Jews, the sufferers of pogroms, the Holocaust, and centuries of discrimination and hate, we really are your chosen people?”
“Yes, Heime!”
“Isn’t it about time you chose someone else?”

How are Christians and Jews are as different from men and women?
There’s always arguments between the opposite sects.

What martial arts do Jewish people use?
Jew Jitsu.

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”
Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining.
And says, “ladies, is anything ok?”

What do you call a Jewish Robot?

A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man were walking in a national forest.
All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. “Now there are only two bears on this mountain,” the ranger explained. “One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?”
The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male bear. So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away. When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty.
The moral of the story? Never trust a Jew that says the Czech is in the male.

What do cool Jewish people speak?

Why did the Jewish man walk into a stop sign?
He wasn’t an observant Jew.

A Jewish woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts: “Is there a doctor here?”
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her, “I am. What is the problem?”
She replies, “Do you want to meet my daughter?”

What kind of self-defense does a Jewish Trump supporter practice?
Krav MAGA.

Where do Jewish witches congregate?

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applied to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.
“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.
“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
“Yeah, yeah, I can’t complain.”
“And here in Russia, don’t you have job to work at?”
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
“So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?”
“Because There I can complain!”

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
“That’s okay… I’ll just sit here alone in the dark…”

Recommended: Rosh Hashanah Jokes

What drink do you give a Jewish anarchist on their birthday?
A mazel tov cocktail.

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.
He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.
“Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, – they say. – Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?”
Shainski thinks. On the one hand, the people of the town are his clients; how can he refuse and offend them? It’s bad for business. On the other, he is a Jew; how can he donate for a Christian church?
“Listen,” he says. “Before you build the new church, I imagine you’ll need to demolish the old church, right?”
“Yes, of course. How else?”
“And I believe it must cost a lot of money, right?”
“Yes, we estimate it will cost about… ten thousand dollars.”
“Excellent, here is a check for ten thousand dollars!”

What’s a Jewish girl’s favorite wine?
“I want to go to Miami!”

What is the currency used by Jewish ogres?

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson.
Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, “Oh god, I have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back.” And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, “He had a hat.”

What’s the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
A canoe will eventually tip.

A Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.
He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife is cooking dinner.
The wife asks, “What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?”
Guy says with a huge smile, “Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!”
He was extremely proud of himself and thought his wife would be happy with him for saving money.
Instead, his wife screams, “Ben-zona! Why didn’t you run behind a taxi, and save $15?!”

What kind of cheese do Jewish people eat on Passover?

Recommended: Passover Jokes

Two guys were eating breakfast together.
“Do you want some of my bacon?”
“No thanks, I’m Jewish!”
“Don’t worry it’s free!”

Why did his fiance not tell him about a certain Jewish ritual before asking him to convert?
Because ignorance is briss.

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant.
He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?”
“Try it and find out.” The old man responded. “Is the soup too cold?” “Try it.” “I-is it too hot?” “Just try it.” “Not enough vegetables, too much broth, does it smell funny?” “What are ya, mishegas? Just try the soup!” The old man shouts. “Alright!” The waiter gives in.
“Where’s the spoon?” He looks over the table. The old man just smiles.

Why do Jewish people have big noses?
Air is free.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?
“I don’t like her,” replies the mother.

How was copper wire invented?
Two Jews fighting over a penny.

One day at kindergarten the teacher said she would give anyone 10 dollars if they could tell her the most famous man who ever lived.
A little Irish boy said, “It was St. Patrick!” The teacher replied, “I’m sorry Sean, but no.”
A young Scottish boy said, “It was St. Andrew!” The teacher replied, “Sorry Hamish, but that is not correct.”
Finally, a young Jewish boy named Marvin raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.” The teacher replied, “Yes Marvin, that is correct! Come up here and I will give you your 10 dollars!”
As Marvin was being paid, the teacher said, ‘You know, you being Jewish and all, I never thought you would say ‘Jesus Christ.'”
Marvin replied, “Well, I know in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”

Recommended: Dark Jewish Jokes

How did the Jewish soccer player get hurt?
He Torah ligament!

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it’s built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He’s not sold on the God stuff but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.
So, he goes to see the local rabbi and asks about joining. The rabbi explains it’s not so easy. There’s a process, and it’s a long one, and it maybe easier to go back in time and be born to a Jewish mother, if truth be told.
But, atheist says those rules are outdated, and a religious community should be based only on shared beliefs.
The rabbi responds that part of those shared beliefs is a shared respect for the tradition.
However, the atheist points out that the tradition is one of questioning the rules.
They go back and forth, on and on, neither giving an inch in the argument until finally the atheist is just exhausted and gives up saying, “Fine, I guess if you won’t let me join there’s nothing I can do about that.”
“Not let you join?” the rabbi says, “What do you think we’ve been doing this whole time?”

What do you call it when someone is Jewish, converts, and then converts back?
Don’t worry about it, it was a re-torah-cle question.

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.
He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder, “Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot.”
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

What do you call a Jewish cat who lives in Spain and only speaks Japanese?

What’s the Jewish police officer’s favorite day?
Yom Coppur.

Recommended: Yom Kippur Jokes

Two Jews were arguing about whether or not white is a color.
After arguing for a week they went for advice to their rabbi.
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color. A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black was a color. Later they went with the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color.
“See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!”

What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?

What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually, a Rottweiler will let go.

Do you have a funny Jewish joke? Write down your own Jewish puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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