75 Funny Nurse Jokes With The Prescription for Smiles

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Jessica Amlee

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Inject a hearty dose of humor into your day with our delightful collection of nurse jokes that’ll have you grinning from ear to ear. From light-hearted banter to clever medical wordplay, these amusing anecdotes celebrate the hardworking nurses who bring smiles to our faces even during tough times.

Perfect for sharing with your favorite medical professionals or for quick laughter therapy during a break, these witty nurse jokes will remind you that laughter truly is the best medicine. So, get ready to put on your scrubs, embrace the lighter side of healthcare, and indulge in a much-needed laughter break!

Best Nurse Jokes

Why do nurses bring a red crayon to work?
In case they have to draw blood.

What did the nurse tell the doctor after she made a mistake on the blood type record?
He made a type o!

Why did the nurse cross the road?
To get hit by traffic and not have to clock in.

Knock, knock.

Knock, knock.

Oh that’s right, you’re intubated and non-responsive after a TBI.

How is Nursing school a lot like giving birth?
Once its over, you just tend to forget just how painful the process really was.

Nurse: Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby.
Patient: No thanks, I’d like my baby to keep her liver.

Yo mama so ugly when she was born, the nurse said, “I think it is a child…”

What kind of fish works in a hospital?
Nurse shark.

How long does it take for a physician to change a light bulb?
As long as it takes to find a nurse.
How long does it take for the nurse to change the light bulb?
30 seconds, but 45 minutes to document it.

How can nursing be a dream job?
If there were no patients and doctors.

Why did the nurse ask the waitress for advice?
The waitress was getting 18% tips for serving food, while the nurse was scrubbing feet, providing medicine, and keeping people alive with no tips at all!

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?
Band aides.

What do you know about the nurse who can smile when things take an ugly turn?
That she is probably going off duty!

What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Lemme give you a taste of your own medicine.”

A man was in the hospital and asked the nurse if he could do his own stitches.
She said “Suture self.”

Knock, knock!
(Who’s there?)
I’m sorry that information is protected by HIPPA!

Why do you prefer peeing normally, versus having a nurse use a catheter?
Urine control.

Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies and still couldn’t find one.
Doctor: I was just checking if my pen works.

Why should you always be kind to nurses?
Remember that they choose your catheter size.

What does LPN stand for?
Low paid nurse.
What does RN stand for?
Real nurse.

To her credit, the nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.
But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”

Did you hear about the guy who had his left side removed?
The doctor said he is alright. The nurses say there is nothing left in him.

Nurse: Sorry for the wait!
Man: It’s alright, I’m patient.

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

John Cena wakes up at a hospital
John Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU.
John Cena: No you can’t.

What do elves and nurses have in common?
They both do all the work and one guy in an over sized coat gets all the credit

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.”
He responds, “Well at least give me the one my wife made.”

Doctor: How is the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Urine who?)
Urine in trouble if you don’t do bedside report!

Did you hear about the maternity nurse that had a mental breakdown?
It was a midwife crisis.

Do you know why nursing is a woman’s job?
Because men can’t breastfeed.

What type of nurses never get accurate pulse readings from their patients?
The attractive ones. Mind you neither do ugly ones.

Recommended: Dirty Nurse Jokes

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”
“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

Why do a lot of nurses go to college at the North Pole?
It’s where the Icy U is.

How can you tell the difference between a traveling nurse and a resident nurse?
Traveling nurses take more than 3 steps before they dribble.

Why is the doctor always crabby at the nurse while she takes someone’s blood pressure?
Because she’s testing his patience.

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ lounge that said, ‘Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.’
Underneath, a nurse had written, ‘The last five are pretty risky, too.’

Under the soft glow of the moonlight, a nurse tiptoed into her patient’s room.
She gently woke her patient, saying, “Good evening, madam, time to take your sleeping pills.”

What do nurses watch at the old folks’ home?
The grammies.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Night shift.
(Night shift who?)
.. Um nevermind.. It can wait till dayshift.

What did King Edward V’s dad say to his nurse?
“Don’t forget the IV.”

What did the nurse tell the patient suffering from bird flu?
“Don’t worry, its tweetable.”

One British nurse said to the other, “You’ll never guess who picked up the urine samples today. Gary Oldman, the actor!”
“Really? Was he dressed like his character from Harry Potter?”
“No, he wasn’t Sirius. He was just taking the piss.”

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore.

A man was feeling terribly sick and finally went to see his doctor. The doctor said, “Nothing much to worry about, you’ve just got a touch of pneumonia. I’ll prescribe some medications, you get plenty of rest, and you’ll be up and on your feet in no time at all!”
The man was very worried, “Are you sure it’s just pneumonia? I once heard of a guy who had pneumonia but died of a heart attack.” The doctor’s nurse patted the man on his hand, “It’ll be okay, really. When Doctor Harris treats someone who has pneumonia, the patient will die of pneumonia.”

Why did the cat want to become a nurse?
To be a first aid kit.

A worried charge nurse said, “Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead just as he was leaving the hospital.”
The doctor replied, “Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in.”

Do nurses have to change adult diapers?
It Depends.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Ivana who?)
Ivana give you a shot, but don’t worry, I’m a nurse!

Why should you treat your nurse well?
Because she can walk as slowly or as fast as she chooses to retrieve that pain medication you requested.

What did the nurse say to her dying patient who is a Power Rangers fan?
“It’s morphine time!”

How did the ninja nurse care for incontinent patients at the Catholic hospital?
Nun Chux.

A man was admitted to the hospital and developed feelings for the nurse.
She used to look after him and be very polite to him. Always checking up on him and paying special attention to him in comparison to other patients. As a result, the guy assumed that the nurse was also interested in him.
The guy was too shy to ask the nurse out on a date. However, after being discharged, he managed to obtain the nurse’s phone number and messaged her, saying, “Hi, I’m the patient you looked after.” I’ve been considering it, and I believe you’ve stolen my heart.”
The nurse didn’t reply for two days and the patient was sure that he won’t be getting any reply from her.
Then out of the blue, she replied, ” Whatever you are accusing me of is not true. We only took one kidney out.”

What did the nurse say to the constipated soldier?
“I’m afraid I have to relieve you of your duty.”

Why did the hospital send all the nurses to art school?
So they could learn to draw blood.

How are nurses different from other people?
“We wash our hands before and after going to the bathroom.”

A patient was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to him and said, “Would you like me to inform anyone that you’re here?”
He said, “Yes, please. The doctor.”

Patient: Will I be able to play the piano after this operation?
Nurse: Yes, of course.
Patient: That’s great because I couldn’t before.

Why did the nurse become a gardener?
They were great at helping things grow and healing!

A nurse comes into the doctor’s waiting room and says to the group of people waiting, “Due to new GDPR privacy rules I am not allowed to call you by your names.
So, can the patient with syphilis, please come in.”

What do you call a nurse with an excellent sense of humor?
An injection of laughter!

Why did the nurse keep a stethoscope in their car?
So they could always listen to the heart of the matter!

A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks, a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewelry.
“I am ‘Gina the Great’,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit, and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone. The floor nurse went next.”I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.
The charge nurse said,” I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

Why did the nurse always carry a needle and thread?
They were great at stitching up a situation!

Did you hear about the gambling nurse that’s doin’ hard time?
She got booked for aiding and abetting.

What’s the difference between a nurse taking a patient’s pulse and a champion runner?
One records the beats, the other beats the records.

What did the ghost nurse give to her 50-year-old patient?
A boooooooster shot.

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The doctor says to the blonde nurse, “Nurse, did you take the patient’s temperature?”
The nurse replies, “No, is it missing?”

A senior nurse tells her patient, “Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”
The patient replies, “Give me the good news.”
The nurse says, “You’re about to have a disease named after you.”

What do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?
A synapse.

Don’t you think it’s not possible for anybody to hate nurses?
The only time they do is when the nurses are giving you an enema.

Do you have another nurse joke? Post your Nurse puns in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

1 thought on “75 Funny Nurse Jokes With The Prescription for Smiles”

  1. Got my nurse going into surgery today She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left. She said, “Wow! How can you do that?” I responded: “I’m ambi-textrous.”


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