50 Dirty Nurse Jokes And Puns for the Naughty Adults

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Jessica Amlee

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Laughter truly is the best medicine, and there’s no better way to prove it than with our collection of risqué nurse jokes! We’ve compiled a delightful assortment of dirty nurse jokes that’ll brighten your day and make you blush in equal measure.

So, whether you’re a nurse looking for some light-hearted amusement during your break or simply someone who appreciates medical humor, get ready to be tickled by our tantalizing selection of adult jokes on nurses. We guarantee you’ll be laughing so hard, you might just need a naughty nurse yourself!

Adult Nurse Jokes

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some a**hole has my pen.”

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The head nurse.

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn’t go very well.
Especially when the husband diagnosed her as clinically obese.

Yo mama so ugly when she was born, the nurse screamed, “Put it BACK! PUT IT BACK!!!”

A young man had a minor procedure done, and the next day his friend came to visit.
He noticed many female Nurses were flowing in and out with all sorts of snacks and beverages. The friend asked the patient why he was getting so much attention from the Nurses. The patient responded, “I guess the Nurses heard it took 12 stitches for my circumcision.”

The nurse at the sperm bank asked Timmy if he’d like to m*sturbate in the cup.
He said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”

After the accident, a man woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over him.
She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” he replied and felt her breasts.

Why did the nurse give Viagra to all the old men in the nursing home?
To keep them from rolling over and falling off the bed. Kick stand.

Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, “Damn, can’t let that go to waste,” and rides him.
The second nurse does the same.
The third nurse hesitates and explains that she’s on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead.
The man replies, “I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel f*ckin great!”

What do you do when an epileptic takes a bath?
Throw in the laundry.

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What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Getting down the life support.

What’s the difference between a nun and a nurse?
A nun only serves one god.

A nurse is bathing a female coma patient when she sees that her heart rate and respiration rate increase every time she cleans the vaginal area.
She has the notion that oral sex could genuinely revitalize her. She informs the patient’s husband and explains that oral sex may be able to revive her, and the husband agrees to assist. She brings the husband to the patient’s room at night and closes the door to allow him to begin. Not even 2 minutes later, the alert sounds, indicating that the patient’s vitals had deteriorated to catastrophic levels. “Is everything okay in there?” the nurse asks as she knocks on the door.
The husband answers, “I think I’m choking her.”

What’s the difference between a nurse and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

What did a doctor say to the nurse about the rude patient in a sperm bank?
“Get a load of this guy!”

What’s the difference between a nurse and a Lamborghini?
Not everyone’s been in a Lamborghini.

A man and his wife decided to spice things up and roll play our actual jobs, her a nurse and him a handyman.
She went to bed early from working a double and her feet being sore and he didn’t even show up.

A man is in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
“Nurse”, he mumbles. “Are my testicles black?” The nurse raises his gown, and holds his p*nis in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She takes a close look and says, “There is nothing wrong with them sir.”
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ‘Are-my-tests-re-sults-back?’”

For Valentine’s Day, a wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of a husband when she dressed up as a nurse.
At last, he got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

How can you tell who the head nurse is in a hospital?
Dirty knee caps.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with a dumbbell stuck up his a**?
The nurse asked him to weight in the rear.

“Of course, I won’t laugh,” said the nurse.
“I’m a professional. In over 20 years, I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Ok then,” said Bob, and he dropped his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was the same size as a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle but it just came out. Feeling very bad that she laughed at the man’s p*nis, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen.”

How many gay guys does it take to put in a lightbulb?
Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out.

Why did the nurse get rid of her vibrator?
She had a patient with Parkinson’s.

A guy walks into an emergency room complaining about a pain in his a**.
A nurse takes him into a room, checks his a** out, and notices a bunch of miniature horse figures shoved up his a**hole. Not the worst she’s seen takes them out and gives the guy some pain meds.
A moment later the doctor walks in and asks what’s wrong with the patient. The nurse says, “Don’t worry doctor, he’s stable.”

What is common between a nurse and a sociopath?
Both wear a mask.

Why did Michael Jackson want to become a Nurse?
He wanted to give Wax-In to children.

Two nurses were in the hospital talking about the new patient in room 302.
The first nurse said, “You’ll never believe it about the guy in 302! I was giving him a sponge bath and I saw that he had the word ‘Swan’ tattooed on his manhood! That’s crazy!”
The second nurse said, “That does sound strange! I’ll have to see for myself — let me do his sponge bath tomorrow”
The next day they met and the nurse told the other, “You’re right! He does have a tattoo on his manhood, but it doesn’t say ‘Swan’, it says ‘Saskatchewan’!”

What is the best thing about being a male nurse?
Being in the same room as the unconscious women.

A psychotic mechanic in a mental hospital had sex with a nurse then he escaped.
The headline in the paper the next day was ‘Nut screws and bolts.’

Doctor: So you have bad and good news, which one you wanna hear first?
Patient: Please, the bad one.
Doctor: Ok you have 1 month left to live.
Patient: Damnn and what’s the good news?
Doctor: Do you see that hot nurse over there? Yep, we are f*cking!

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!

Two senior nurses are talking about sex.
One says to the other that she reckons sex is 75% work and 25% pleasure. The other nurse reckons that sex is 25% work and 75% pleasure. They decide to ask the student nurse for her opinion. “Sex is all pleasure,” says the student nurse. “Why do you say that?” asked the other two. The student nurse replies, “Because if there is any work involved, you two have me do it.”

A nurse was delivering a baby
Once the nurse got the baby out, he threw it right at the wall. The mother screamed while the nurse said, “Oh sorry that must have scared you, don’t worry it was already dead.”

There was a woman found floating in the Detroit River.
Turns out she was a nurse. How did they know? Her stomach was empty, her bladder was full and her a** had been chewed.

Why did the cannibal nurse get disciplined?
For buttering up the patients.

A gay old man in a nursing home is being cared for by a sexy male nurse.
The old man is flirting with the nurse, telling him what a strapping young man he is. Then the old man says, “Sonny, I’m thirsty. Could you bring me something to drink please?”
The nurse agrees and brings him a glass of water. The old man says, “I don’t really want water, sonny. Could you bring me something else?”
The nurse then brings him a glass of milk. The old man says, “I’m sorry sonny but milk upsets my stomach. Could you maybe bring me something else?”
Exasperated, the nurse brings him a glass of apple juice. The old man says, “I never really liked apple juice, sonny. It gives me gas.”
Finally, the nurse says, “Well what do you want to drink then?”
The old man says, “How about some Sunny D?”

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A man driving down the road is h*rny so he stops and asks a stranger for directions to a brothel. He’s unaware that he misheard the directions. So he heads to what he thinks is the correct address.
When he goes inside, he is amazed that it looks like a doctor’s office, though he couldn’t understand why there were so many pictures of feet on the wall. A nurse greets him and hands him a gown and leaves. When she returns, he is sitting there with his penis in his hand.
The nurse says, “My goodness! I was expecting to see a foot!”
The man says, “If you’re going to quibble over 2 inches, I’m going to take my business elsewhere!”

Kid in a hospital: Will you visit me when I get out?
Nurse: Lol nah, I hate graveyards!

A man was feeling nervous and embarrassed about his upcoming colonoscopy. He decided to have the procedure done in San Francisco while visiting friends, as he had heard that the nurses there were more gentle and attractive.
During the procedure, he lay naked on their side on the table while a beautiful nurse attended to him. The nurse, noticing the patient’s uneasiness, tried to reassure him by saying that it’s normal to get an erection at that stage of the procedure.
“I don’t have an erection,” he replied.
“I do,” replied the nurse.

What’s the worst part about chopping up vegetables?
The dirty stares you get from nurses.

A child with cancer makes a wish.
He calls his nurse in and tells her that he needs the number to make-a-wish. She asks what he’s going to wish for. His response is, “I want to have sex with a famous celebrity.”
The nurse walks over to the side of his bed, takes a knee, and grabs his hand. In her most comforting voice she says, “Aw hunny, god already f*cked you when he gave you cancer.”

Why Stephen Hawking’s nurses must have been pretty sh*t?
They couldn’t even keep a vegetable alive.

Do you have another dirty nurse joke? Post your adult nurse puns in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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