Every year, tax season shows up like that one guest who never leaves early. No matter your age, whether you’re fresh out of school or well into your golden years, there’s no hiding from it. Forms, numbers, deductions, and the occasional head scratch come bundled with the experience. That’s why Tax Jokes are so valuable as they help turn the sighs into chuckles when the math gets messy.
Trying to understand tax codes can feel like reading a cookbook in a language you don’t speak. It’s no surprise that people everywhere use humor to cope with it. Tax Jokes take all that stress and twist it into something fun, making the whole ordeal feel a little less serious. When laughter is added to the mix, even tax season becomes slightly more bearable.
Best Tax Jokes
Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.
They both know what needs to be done and could tell you but instead you’re the one who needs to figure it out.
Do you know how you can tell Monopoly’s an old game?
It has a luxury tax, and rich people can actually go to jail.
How do Tusken Raiders cheat on their taxes?
They always single file, to hide their numbers.
Why are Sherlock Holmes’ taxes so low?
He’s a master of deduction.
Yo mama so fat, McDonald’s claims her as a dependent for taxes.
Did you hear that the government denied tax exemption for a church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith.
What do you call a blood sucking tax specialist?
Account Dracula.
Has anyone realized “The IRS”.
Spells “theirs”?!
A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.
The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:
“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living?”
The gambler says, “I’m a professional gambler.”
“A gambler?” asks the agent.
“Yes, I make money from bets. Let me demonstrate. I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my eye.”
“You have a bet!” the agent has a smug smile on his face. But it vanishes when the gambler takes out his glass eye and bites it. The agent did not see that coming, but he did agree to $1,000 in front of the gambler’s attorney.
“Fine, that wasn’t fair,” says the gambler. “I’ll give you a chance to win your money back by betting another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye.”
The agent looks through the guy’s paperwork and sees he’s not legally blind, so he takes the bet. To his horror, the gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. Now he’s on the hook for $2,000.
“You know what,” says the gambler, “Double or nothing; I’ll stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes, piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop. What do you say?”
Perplexed but desperate, the agent agrees. The gambler stands on the desk, unzips his pants, closes his eyes, then pisses all over the agent’s desk.
“YES!!!” exclaims the agent, glad he won’t owe the gambler anything.
“Ah, shit.” sighs the attorney.
“What’s the matter?” asks the agent.
“Well… He bet me $20,000 that he’d come into your office today, piss all over your desk, and you’d be happy about it.”
Did you hear that the atheists are trying to get tax-exempt status now?
They are a non-prophet organization.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well!
I was surprised when the IRS wrote to me to say my tax return was “outstanding”.
Especially as I don’t recall sending one in.
A judge asked Shakira if she had committed tax fraud.
Shakira said, “Of course not, Your Honor.”
Also, Shakira’s Hips said, “Of course, we did, Your Honor.”
Guess which Avenger paid the least taxes this year?
Spiderman, because his entire income was net income.
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber?
One’s a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.
Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years… but they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.
A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey.
And each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in the tea houses or restaurants in the city, they see the same man spending lots of money and boasting that he is in fact a smuggler and that no one can catch him.
Every day, incensed at his bold claims, the tax collectors obsessively search his bags of straw. They sift the straw, cut it into pieces, rip open the fabric of his bags, attempt to burn the straw, check his hat, his beard and even cut open his shoes in the hope of finding coins between the leather. And yet, each evening, he is seen back in the city growing ever more prosperous and ever more brazen, even offering to pay for the tax collectors meals and drinks while continuing to tell stories of his wily smuggling. The tax collectors continue their futile interrogations of the straw bags for years, to no avail.
This continues until, now a prosperous man, the smuggler moves away to another city and settles down to enjoy his wealth. Years pass and one day, in the market, one of the retired tax collectors meets his old foe and asks,
“Mister, many years have passed: I am no longer a tax collector and we are just two old men. Please, you can tell me, what was it you were smuggling all that time?”
The smuggler replied, “Donkeys.”
Just imagine if the IRS and IBS merged.
They would tax the s*it out of us!
People who cheat on their taxes disgust me
This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.
Yo mama so broke, the IRS pays her to not file her taxes.
What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
A taxidermist takes only your skin.
What do farmers use when they do their taxes?
A cow-culator.
A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people.
And squeezed it dry. He said, “If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I’ll give them 100 bucks.”
Many people tried, and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, “Who are you?”
The second man replied, “Income tax officer.”
Why do they call gross pay gross pay?
Because it’s disgusting to see how much you could’ve made before they took it all in taxes.
The tax accountant just finished reading the tale of Cinderella to his daughter.
The little girl loved the story and asked, “Daddy, when the pumpkin becomes a golden coach, would that be income or a capital gain?”
There are three certainties in life:
Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.
What’s the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?
One’s a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other’s a lepidopteral taxonomy.
How do stoner couples file their taxes?
Jointly!
At the end of the tax year, the Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the executive. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. “Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the executive. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history.
They’ll be the first billionaire to pay taxes.
What’s the difference between churches and cults?
Tax exempt status.
Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.
It’s hard to believe that 95% of us can’t do simple math.
Why do large eggs cost more than small eggs?
Excise tax.
A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time…
He sees the price is $10, but when he goes to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“What’s this 65 cents about?” He asks. The cashier says, “It’s for the tax.”
“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”
Which state has the biggest tax rate?
Taxas.
I don’t feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes…
I finished mine over a year ago…
A man walked into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.
“No,” said the man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”
Why doesn’t Big Oil pay taxes?
Because they have a Shell corporation.
What is the difference between an electron and a proton for a tax collector?
They are charged differently.
A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.
The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.
“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,000 a year, but you’re not giving any money to charity!” he told her. “Now, I happen to run a very credible charity, and…oh look! I live right next door. Tell you what: you write me a check for $1,000 right now to help my charity, and then I promise I’ll leave you alone.”
The politician gasped, very offended. “You think I have money just sitting around to give to charity?” she said. “Were you aware that last year, my father lost his house in a fire, and everything he owned along with it?”
“Um, I didn’t,” said her neighbor.
“And did you also know that my daughter got into a horrible car accident last year, having medical bills several times her annual wages?” she went on.
“Er…no, I’m sorry…”
“And that my sister had her husband walk out on her, leaving her penniless with three children?”
Her neighbor, now very embarrassed, said, “Oh, my! I apologize. I had no idea what was going on with your family members!”
And the politician continued, “And so… if I didn’t give any money to them, why would I give any to you?”
Don’t get in line behind Lucifer at the tax office!
The devil takes many forms.
Did you hear about the chiropractor who got in trouble with the IRS?
It was for back taxes.
Why did the chocolate shop’s taxes get audited?
The owner had fudged the numbers.
How can you tell if you’ve found a good tax accountant?
If he has a loophole named after him.
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”
So much tax evasion in America.
Almost like the country was founded on it or something.
Why is the IRS always tired?
Collecting money for the government is taxing.
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I just got a great job offer to collect taxes for Hell.
I’ll be part for the Infernal Revenue Service.
What happens when the liquor store forgets to tax its sales?
It’s a sin-tax error.
Two men are stranded on a deserted island.
One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
Apparently, Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin.
His name is Tax E. Vader.
What do dogs and trees have in common?
Neither can file taxes.
Can I claim my Indian Bread Company as a charity tax deduction?
It’s a Naan Profit Organization.
What kind of tax is placed on paper?
A tear-iff.
A catholic priest had served the church for over sixty years and finally decided that he was too old to continue the priesthood. He was giving a speech to the congregation.
“I remember when I first became a priest,” he said. “I was terrified. I had never done public speaking before such a large audience before, and I was afraid I would mess up. To make matters worse, my first confession was terrible. Adultery, theft, gambling, tax fraud- luckily, it wasn’t all like that.”
The priest finishes his speech and sits down. Just then, the mayor walks in the door to give a closing to the ceremony.
“Sorry, I’m late,” he said. “The traffic was terrible. Our priest here will be dearly missed. I remember when he first became a priest. In fact, I was his first confession!”
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and someone working at McDonald’s?
The guy working at McDonald’s has to pay income taxes.
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If you go to jail for tax evasion….
….aren’t you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.
When marijuana is legalized, all the money raised through taxes should go into road repair.
It would be called Operation Pot Holes.
What do you call someone who likes giving the government taxes?
A paytriot.
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony’s walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. “John, what happened?” Tony asks.
“I have no idea,” John replies. “I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don’t understand is why she always yells ‘Damn income taxes!’ whenever we have sex.”
Boss: “And this is what you’ll be making before taxes.”
Employee: “That’s gross.”
Did my taxes on Valentine’s Day.
It was the only way I was getting f*cked today.
If you elected me president, I would implement a m@sturbation tax…
Talk about saving the economy single-handedly.
The king asks his tax collector, “How much have we collected in taxes this quarter?”
The tax collector replies, “I’m afraid our villages were raided by bandits, m’lord. The villagers have had to pay their taxes in chickens.”
With an outward sigh of mild irritation, the king speaks, “Well, man, how many chickens did you manage to scrounge together?”
The tax collector replies, “Well, my liege, the Northern village provided us with 6 chickens, the Western village gave us 4, after much persuasion the Eastern village could only muster 2 chickens, and the Southern village offered a measly 1 chicken.”
The king thinks about this for a moment until the tax collector speaks up, “M’lord, allow me to explain… 6 chickens + 4 chickens + 2 chickens + 1 chicken = 13 chickens altogether.”
To which the king replies, “Bah, a poultry sum.”
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Who is the highest-ranking officer at tax time?
General Sales Tax.
Why don’t dogs pay taxes for their meals?
Because they’re all under the table.
Did you hear about the guy who didn’t want to file his taxes?
I would’ve asked him more, but he didn’t want to get Intuit.
As a patriot, I have decided to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay import taxes.
That’ll be….my Civic duty.
Do you have a Tax Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
